Friday, January 27, 2012

Yes Lord, I Would

Last night I had a night to myself while Michael attended a men's Bible study. After some household chores, I decided to watch Facing the Giants, because I knew it would be an encouraging story about infertility. I have seen this movie several times, but not in the past year - the time in which we have been struggling with infertility. Therefore, like the Living Word, this movie spoke to me in such a different way than it ever had before.

One of the first points I could relate to was when Brooke (the wife of the main character) took a home pregnancy test and it was negative, how she felt disappointed and then later told her husband (after he saw the discarded box in the bathroom and asked her about it) that "I want to be pregnant so bad, that my mind plays tricks on me." Oh, how I can relate to that! In the two-week-wait part of my cycle, the slightest "symptom" will not go unnoticed.

Then there was a heart-breaking scene where the main character, Grant, finds out from the doctor that he is sterile or has a low sperm count and that the two of them will likely not have children naturally. It was on the same day that Grant also finds out that he is unwanted as the head football coach, and is left feeling like a complete failure in every way. Grant and Brooke are sitting across from one another at the kitchen table as Grant pours out his heart before his wife about his tough day, and finally tells her that he can't give her the children that she desires. It was so emotional for me, even though it was only a movie - they both cried and tried to tell one another it will be okay, and they both questioned God about what He's doing, where is He.

But then Grant spends the whole night in the Word, seeking after God. When Brooke approaches him in the morning, Grant asks her, "If God never gives us children, would you still love Him?" At the time, she doesn't answer. A few months ago, I was not able to answer either. I was refusing to accept that as a possible outcome of all of this. I was still trying to be in control of my own life.

Later on in the movie, after Grant surrenders his career to God and beautiful changes take place with his team, Brooke's heart is softened too. She also has been experiencing sickness, so she goes to the doctor to see if everything is okay. She is told that she is not pregnant, but instead of letting the despair of the disappointment overcome her, she holds her head high, and goes out to her car, where she tells God that she will still love Him.

Just before driving away, a nurse runs outside and stops her - her test results were mixed up with someone else, and she is pregnant. It was so beautiful watching her reaction to the joyous news. After four years of struggling, the news she had been longing for had finally arrived.

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More recently, I finally reached a point where I could answer that question. Yes Lord, I would. If the Lord never blesses me with children, as difficult as that may be to bear, I will still love Him. I will still seek Him. I will still be thankful for all that He HAS blessed me with: a loving husband, a roof over my head, a job, food to eat, clean water to drink, a car to drive, family and friends to love and fellowship with, and five furry children to raise, complete with all their quirkiness. But if someday the Lord does bless me with children, how much more will I have to be thankful for! My cup would overflow!

Lord, please give me patience to wait for You and whatever future You have planned for us. Fill my heart with joy, no matter the outcome!

Thank you all for sharing in this journey with me. Your continued prayer, support, love, and hugs are GREATLY appreciated!

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