When I think about my story of becoming a mother, I think about adoption. About God teaching me that He loves me so crazy much that He would come down to this place, make a way into my life and choose me, for some reason I'll never figure out He chose to adopt me as His daughter. I think about how somewhere along the way He began to teach me that He wanted me to love someone so crazy much that I would find a way into their life, that I would cross over countries, and fears, and obstacles, and make them mine. I often forget that He started that journey for me years before I knew what was happening, that He used us waiting to conceive to show us that there are other ways to build a family.
We waited 14 months to become pregnant with Kylynn. At the time it seemed forever, it seemed like it would never happen, at the time it was all the reason I needed to believe every lie Satan tried to feed me. But somewhere in the midst of it all I looked at Kyle and said, "What if this never happens, what if we can't get pregnant?" and without missing a beat he said, "Then we'll adopt." It was simple for him and even though my mind was raging with BUT...I allowed myself to cling to his simplicity and say, "Okay."
We never saw a doctor, I'm a scaredy cat when it comes to doctors, but after about a year I decided that even though we weren't interested in most medical interventions, we should at least consult a doctor. So I made an appointment. They couldn't see me for a couple of months, October 5th was their earliest date. On October 5th, I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time, I was six weeks pregnant. It was one of the happiest days of my life, we celebrated at Sonic, we called family, we rejoiced, and I quickly put to bed the idea that our family would consist of anything but little Kyle/Jenny clones.
But before I knew it Kylynn was 11 months old and it was time to talk about having more children. God had done something quietly, steadily in Kyle's heart during those months and he had decided that one: he only wanted two children, and two: it was important to him that we adopt at some point and so that some point had to be now.
I did not feel the same, I mean adoption is a nice thing and sure I wanted to (maybe/probably) do it someday, but let's do that once we are done having biological children. But God gave me a peace about what Kyle wanted to do and I was able to say yes to his plan. This was the first time in my life I can remember simply obeying God, even though I didn't like it, I was finally learning to let go. At that time if you would have told me I would never give birth/nurse another baby I would have been heartbroken, God took me to where I am today slowly. I began to pray during Jack's adoption that God would remove every one of my own desires in regards to children from my heart and replace them with His desire for children in our family. He was so faithful with that prayer, which I prayed daily for months and clung to desperately. Our third child, also adopted, is testimony to how He changed the desires of my heart, it made everything in our journey easier.
It's funny how hard it is to remember that time of waiting on children, they surround me today and overwhelm me, and sometimes they even remind me to bend low in awe of His goodness and the abundance of blessings in my life. But what I learned while we waited for Kylynn and for Jack and Chloe - adoption requires a lot of waiting :) - was that I want more than anything for His will to be done in my life. He is using this journey to teach me that He is truly good, that He can be trusted, it has caused me to want to choose His plan (scary and painful as it may seem at the time) every time. It taught me that it's only in trials and pain that we can grow and strange as it may seem that there can be such sweet joy in the midst of deep sorrow, there is nothing quite like being tended to by the great Comforter.
Waiting, on anything, is painful. Waiting to become a mother is perhaps one of the most painful times. All my children came to me through a journey, all of them required a great deal of waiting on the Lord. If I could go back in time to the woman I was as I waited on Kylynn, I would want to introduce her to the woman I became while I waited on Jack. I would encourage her to use that time to draw nearer and nearer to our God, to allow herself to be stretched, to be changed, to rejoice in the midst of pain. I would press down on her that God's promises are true and He can be trusted.
"This God-his way is perfect;
the word of the Lord proves true;
he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.
For who is God, but the Lord?
And who is a rock, except our God?-
the God who equipped me with strength
and made my way blameless."
Previous: Part 2: Charissa's Story
Next: Part 4: Sonia's Story
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