Misconception

Which of the two orange circles is larger, right or left?

Ready for the correct answer?

You guessed correctly!! Because they are the same size...

Don't believe me? Take out a ruler and measure them on the screen. (Yes, I actually did this!) This is called the Ebbinghaus illusion.

I thought this was a wonderful example of the common misconceptions associated with infertility. I want to focus on two perspectives: from the infertile's and the fertile's points of view.

Infertile
I know you well. You often have thoughts like, "Why is it so much easier for [her] to conceive than me?"

My dear sister, it may feel like everyone else around you could get pregnant from drinking the water while you are carefully planning and timing and tracking and counting and peeing and...well...you get the idea.

But sometimes things are not as they seem. The circle on the right may look bigger, but it's really the same size as the one on the left. Translated for you: it may seem like [she] can conceive so much easier than you, but it's simply not true.

You have a misconception about this. You are allowing yourself to be fooled into believing the lie that Satan works very hard at getting you to believe.

Because the truth is, [she] has no higher odds of conceiving than you do. Yes, really. Why? Because God is the one and ONLY ONE who decides when a life will begin. No matter what [she] says, no matter who [she] gives the credit to, no matter how many kids [they] have already, no matter how little [they] were trying to conceive...the one and ONLY reason [she] conceived at all was purely because God said it was to be so.

On the flip side, the one and ONLY reason you have not yet conceived [or birthed a baby] is because God says it is not yet the time for it to be so. No matter what doctors have told you, no matter how messed up your cycles are, no matter how many years you've been trying...the only reason you are still waiting is because God's plan is still yet to unfold in your life.

That levels the playing field. You should no longer feel inferior to [her]. You should no longer compare yourself to [her]. Your journeys are obviously very different, but your odds are exactly the same: 100%. It is a guarantee, a certainty that God's plan will unfold in each of your lives. It will happen in different ways, at different times, and with different endings, but it WILL happen.

So go "all in". Bet big. Put all your cards on the table before God. Pray without ceasing. Keep asking Him for guidance. Keep crying out to Him for help and strength and comfort. Keep the proper perspective about your situation and remember that you are loved and not forgotten. You are NOT the smaller circle.

Fertile
Please remember to give credit where it is due. Just as the infertile is fooled into believing they are inferior to you, you can easily be fooled into believing that you played a bigger role in the conception of your child than you really did.

So my plea with you is to use caution with how you speak about your fertility. Always try to choose humility over pride. It may not be so easy the next time you try to conceive. Secondary infertility is a real thing for many women. They often find themselves frustrated and confused, realizing that they took for granted their apparent fertility the first time around.

Just remember that it is God and God alone who gives children to parents. You have been blessed with a precious gift, and He calls you to honor Him with it and give Him the credit for it (Psalm 127:3).

If you already know the two circles are the same size, then I thank God for your awareness of this and for your sensitivity to the infertiles' hearts. Your understanding is invaluable to us.



In summary, we are all made in the image of God. We are all fallen creatures. We are all at the mercy of our Lord's plan for our lives. Our stories will be different, our prayers will be answered in different ways and at different times. We must not compare one journey to the next. We must not think of our journey as superior or inferior to another's. Those comparisons lead only to shame.

Philippians 2:1-11
1 Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Hopeful Mother's Day

Mother's Day. A day to celebrate mothers. But how exactly do you define a mother?

In a church service, Mother's Day usually includes a special "Standing of the Mothers Ceremony." It's not normally called such a prestigious title, but for some women, that's exactly how it feels. Sometimes small gifts or roses are given to those who stand. The picture above shows a church crowd on Mother's Day, where the mothers were asked to stand. I don't know why some men are also standing...but notice that there are some women who are still seated.

This very special day can be very complicated. Is a mother strictly a woman who has born a child? What about adoptive moms? What about women who bore a child that died in its infancy? What about a woman who had a stillbirth? Miscarriage? Pregnant? Infertile? What about single women who desperately long to get married and have children?

This public event at church - that I'm sure has very good intentions to honor mothers - at the same time dishonors and isolates women in these complicated classifications. To stand or not to stand, that really is the question.

I long to be a mother, but it's not the appointed time for me yet. But my heart already acts like a mother's heart. My heart is already so full of love for my children, and I haven't even met them yet. Does that mean I'm "worthy" of standing? I have five furry children...does that count? Have I earned my mother's badge?

I love that there's a special day to celebrate mothers, I just wish that we could honor mothers without isolating non-mothers. This blog post addresses this issue very well.

So what to do, what to do?

Moms Already
You are so blessed. Psalm 127:3 says, "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward." Please be considerate of other women around you who may be deeply hurting on this day. Don't be afraid to reach out to those women and encourage them, pray for them, and love them. And please think twice before you utter a complaint about being tired, frustrated, spit up on, etc. Learn to better appreciate the blessings you have been given. You are richly blessed, so have a heart of joy and thankfulness.

Wanna Be Moms
This day will be hard for you. Brace yourself, it comes every year. You should decide for yourself how you will handle this day. We personally choose to skip church on this day, because our church congregation still does the Standing of the Mothers Ceremony. And there is nothing more awkward and painful for me than sitting in a room full of women who have the honor of standing, where all I long to do is have the credentials necessary to stand. I literally have dreams about being in a room full of pregnant women/mothers. It's isolating and painful, so I choose to avoid this day to protect my heart.

But don't let this day be a day of darkness for you. You may not have a physical (human) child yet, but you will one day. Each new day you wake up, you are one day closer to meeting your child. So stay strong in the Lord. Worship Him for His goodness. His plan is perfect and beautiful. Pray for strength, comfort, and peace to wait patiently for His plan to unfold. Treasure this time with your husband, and celebrate the day as a day of Hopeful Mother's Day.

Church Body, Pastors, and Congregation
Know that the church body is composed of sinners. This means that the black and white mother/non-mother descriptors are a thing of the past. So let's just celebrate and honor the mothers we know personally, rather than having a formal Standing of the Mothers Ceremony. Mothers should be honored, but not in the way that is done in many churches today. So reach out to the mothers you know and tell them how much you appreciate them. Encourage and uplift them. And also be aware of the more complicated situations, like adoptive, infertile, and former parents. There is much suffering in the church body, and we should all seek to uplift and love on those who suffer. Let compassion be your motto.

Happy Hopeful Mother's Day!!

Fertility Envy

This was a very interesting blog post that also references a news article written by a woman who conceived her twins easily, but felt abandoned by her friends that were struggling with infertility. Her point-of-view is interesting to read, even though I don't agree with it. She eventually admits she may have been self-absorbed about her pregnancy and it was simply too much for her infertile friends to handle. The blog post is written by a therapist who specializes in infertility support (and she herself formerly struggled with infertility).

If you'd like to read the blog post, you can click here (within her blog post is the link to the news article).

My takeaway from this subject matter is that:

A) Infertile women have a responsibility to communicate their feelings to their close friends and family. It's only wise to do so sometimes, because how can you blame a person entirely for being insensitive to your pain if you don't even mention your pain to them? Be specific. Tell them exactly what hurt your feelings, even if you think it's totally obvious. To someone who's never experienced infertility, it may not be so obvious. And don't be afraid of speaking up about your hurt feelings. Yes, it may feel awkward, but it will feel so much better having gotten that off your chest. A lot of infertility, I have found, involves teaching your family and friends what it's all about. Before I struggled with it, I had no clue what IVF, BFP, 2WW, TTC, etc. meant. I had no idea how painful it is. I had no idea how even the "innocent" question of, "So, when are you planning to have kids?" would feel like a knife cutting deep.

B) Pregnant women or women who are already mothers have a responsibility to their infertile friends to treat their heart with care. If you are aware of your infertile friends' struggles, or even simply aware of someone you know who is struggling with infertility, it's your responsibility to behave in a considerate manner. Think twice before you speak, and only speak words that encourage and edify your struggling friends. As a believer, you are called not to be a stumbling block to fellow brothers or sisters in Christ, so shame on you if you carelessly brag or complain about your pregnancy around your infertile friends.

C) We all, as human beings and especially as believers in Christ, have a responsibility to serve others around us. To not be self-absorbed and only focused on your own life. The woman who wrote the article, as the blog writer wrote, was probably unaware that those friendships were already not as close as she thought. It seemed to me that the writer was very self-absorbed and wanted to be showered with lots of praise and attention for being pregnant. Selfishness. With regard to pregnancy and children, always be thankful and humble about your blessings. After all, you did not create those children, you were merely the humble vessel God chose to carry and raise those children, so don't act prideful and selfish about it. Infertile women should strive to not let infertility struggles define your life, and consume your every thought and conversation with others. You should still invest in the others around you and not be self-consumed by your pain. Even unrelated to pregnancy, no one wants to be around a person who only cares about themselves, and shows no interest in how others around them are doing. Be selfless and not selfish.

Elizabeth Series - Part II

Today I will continue in my three-part series about the story of Elizabeth. The full story of Elizabeth can be read in Luke 1:5-80. This series is part of the larger grouping of blog posts that have been labeled the Commonness of Barrenness, a label I refer to as I learn about women in the Bible who struggled with infertility. One such woman, Elizabeth, is a great example in many ways. I'm proud to say my middle name is Elizabeth, so, you know, we have that in common too. :)


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Part II: Humbleness
Please read Luke 1:24-25; 39-56.

Imagine that you are Elizabeth. You are a woman and wife. You are older in age. You have spent your married life, and probably more, longing for a child of your own. In your society, it's expected to bear children. It's a show of God's blessing upon you. It's a show of womanhood. It's a right of passage. It's customary. Imagine the embarrassment you would feel at social events as you are expected to have children, but you do not have any. As you see many other women with one, two, three, or more children, but you do not even have one. For a reason you do not know, you spend year after year after year, growing older and older, watching other women bear children, but not you. As you age, you watch as the childbearing group of women become younger and younger compared to you. The gap between you begins to widen. With each passing year. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. You love the Lord with all your heart, but ache with a deep desire to become a mother too. To love and to hold your precious little one. To have the chance.

And then one day, you become pregnant. The day you have hoped for. The day you have prayed for. The day your heart has longed for finally arrives.

What would you do?

I think for many, myself included, the temptation or reflex response is to shout it from a mountain top. To parade around town and show everyone, "Look! Look what I finally have! You people can no longer make me feel shame, for I am now one of you!"

But what does Elizabeth do? She remained in seclusion.

Luke 1:24
After this his wife Elizabeth became pregnant and for five months remained in seclusion.

It says here that she remained in seclusion for five months. As you will see in the next few verses, the five months was mentioned because Luke writes about an event that takes place while Elizabeth was six months pregnant. It says later in verse 58 that "Her neighbors and her relatives heard that the Lord had displayed His great mercy toward her; and they were rejoicing with her." This implies that she continued to remain in seclusion for the duration of her pregnancy.

Why would she remain in seclusion, after waiting so long to experience this joyous event? Was she ungrateful, or bitter about having to wait so long?

Luke 1:25
"The Lord has done this for me," she said. "In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people."

Nope. Clearly she saw this pregnancy as a favor bestowed from the Lord. She recognized that she would no longer feel disgrace from among her people. So why hide yourself from the people?

And why in verses 39-45 would she direct all the focus on her relative Mary (as in Jesus' mother who was pregnant at the time of her visit with the now pregnant Elizabeth), and Mary's pregnancy, instead of her own pregnancy? I mean, Elizabeth surely could have expressed praise over Mary's miraculous conception and pregnancy, and then also express praise about her own pregnancy...so why did Elizabeth behave in this way?

My opinion? Elizabeth may well serve as an example of the most humble woman in the Bible. She is described early on in Luke 1:6 as being a righteous woman. But every way that Elizabeth is described and every thing Elizabeth says after that point portrays her as an incredibly humble, and thankful woman.

She was so thankful to God for answering her prayer. But she chose not to be prideful about it. She chose not to make an idol out of her pregnancy or her baby. She chose not to parade around town flaunting her newfound grace among the people. Remember how much pressure there was in that time to bear children, and the likely shame and disgrace Elizabeth and other barren women must have felt. It's amazing that she so strongly desired to have a child, and when she finally received that desire, she was so humble as to remain in seclusion and just bask in God's goodness in solitude.

What an example!

I hope I have a chance one day to respond the same way Elizabeth did. I don't think I can realistically remain in seclusion, never leaving my house for nine months, but I strive to keep her example as my heart's attitude. I wrote a previous blog post similar to this topic. I know that even in our society today, there is so much attention given to pregnant women. It is still very much considered a right of passage to becoming a woman. I strive to remain humble if I am given the opportunity to become pregnant.

For you women who become pregnant one day, please follow Elizabeth's example, even if you did not have to wait as long as she did to become pregnant. Remember that it's a lie to believe that you had anything to do with becoming pregnant. Sure, you're carrying the child, and you were the vessel to receive your husband's seed, but ultimately it is only God alone who chose to grow a human life in your womb. Choose humbleness over pride. Use the attention you will surely receive to be humble and express praise to God and others around you. That is true beauty.

And I'd like to say a little something special to any husbands reading this. I believe that you men are included in this story. It's not just your wives who will receive the attention from society if she becomes pregnant. I have seen and heard many husbands proclaim that they impregnated their wives. Are you sure about that? No, don't go out and demand a paternity test...what I mean is that yes, you contributed the seed, you consist of half the genetic makeup. But you did not cause the pregnancy to occur. Only God creates a life. It's prideful to think that you and "your powerful boys" accomplished this task, made this field goal, or scored this run. Try to reject the temptation to feel pumped up with your own self-power and remember that God is the one and only giver of life, both physical and spiritual.  You too can learn from Elizabeth's example to not flaunt your "power to impregnate" in front of your friends. Choose humbleness over pride.

I'll leave you with a repeated verse from yesterday's Part I post, and parts of Mary's praises to God during her visit with Elizabeth:

1 Corinthians 3:7
So then neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but God who causes the growth.

Luke 1:47-52 (Mary speaking)
47 My soul exalts the Lord,
And my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior.
48 For He has had regard for the humble state of His bondslave;
For behold, from this time on all generations will count me blessed.
49 For the Mighty One has done great things for me;
And holy is His name.
50 And His mercy is upon generation after generation
Toward those who fear Him.
51 He has done mighty deeds with His arm;
He has scattered those who were proud in the thoughts of their heart.
52 He has brought down rulers from their thrones,
And has exalted those who were humble.



To be concluded...

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up, People!

Last night Michael and I attended a double-retirement reception in honor of two fellow co-workers. The reception took place in a hotel banquet room, with light appetizer foods and alcoholic beverages for purchase. Lots and lots of employees from our work were there: young, old, middle aged, male, female, new, been around forever...get the idea? Your standard mix of people. Normal people.

But what happens to me?

As I'm standing just behind Michael between a wall and a table, very much out of the way of the highly trafficked middle, I sense that there's someone behind me, so I turn around. It's a middle-aged to older woman, who I later find out also works for our company even though I had never met her before, whose first spoken words to me are: "So, where's the baby???"

*Crickets chirping....to allow the similar moment of shock to hit you like it did me...*

Me: "What baby?"
Crazy Lady: "Your baby!"
Me: "...I don't have a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "You don't have a baby?!"
Me: .....
Crazy Lady: "I'm looking for John's other son..."
Me: "Okay..."
Crazy Lady: "They have a baby."
Me: (Pointing across the room to a young woman holding a baby) "There's a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh, I've already met her, she's John's other son's wife, that I've already met."
Me: "I'm sorry, I cannot help you..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh okay, well I'm [Name Withheld, even though she deserves to have it slandered here], and I work in Administration."

I finish the introduction of myself and Michael, who turned around about the time I pointed to the woman holding the baby, and then turn my back to her.

You just can't make this stuff up.

After again asking Michael if I look pregnant, or like I have a baby attached to the side of my body, I asked him, "Why does this keep happening to me? Seriously, why me? That could have happened to any other young looking woman in the room, why did that happen to me?"

His answer sparked my thinking to remember the truth of Ephesians 6:11-13 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."

His answer was "Because you're struggling."

He is completely right. It's not a simple coincidence that events like above, or like this, or like THIS keep happening to me. Or that similar events happen to my fellow infertile friends. The enemy is using every opportunity he can scrounge up to steal my hope, faith, and joy - to get me to doubt my all-powerful God, and what's most challenging is that all of the enemy's efforts are unseen physically. The enemy is working actively behind the scenes, under the radar, in secret, in disguise, in the darkness, undetected and unrelenting.

Praise the Lord that He has conquered ALL! He has provided each and every person the opportunity to readily prepare for those battles. He freely gave His Son to allow us to have an eternal relationship with Him, to allow His Holy Spirit to live in our hearts to win the final battle no matter how you get there. Furthermore, He has freely given us His everlasting Word, the source of 100% truth, and that has the ability to train us, and teach us to put on the full armor of God. Amen to that!

Dig Up the Root of Bitterness

While Michael and I were watching Part 5: Taking Out the Trash of Mark Driscoll's Real Marriage video series, I felt very convicted about my heart. While it's true that I have been down in a rut lately with feelings of hopelessness, the Lord also convicted me that my heart has been filled with bitterness towards certain people.

As I alluded to in the previous post, there have been a few people who have greatly hurt my feelings regarding our infertility. Whether it was intentional on their part or not, whether they are aware of the fact that they hurt my feelings or not...it does not matter. Not in order for me to forgive or not.

This was my main holdup in my battle to forgive or not to forgive these people. "But God...they haven't even said they're sorry. In fact, some of them haven't even said a thing!"

Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Oy. You mean, I should forgive because Christ forgave me...not because they apologize? Oh. Ok. Hm...I hadn't wanted to think much about that.

Mark Driscoll went on to explain that by choosing not to forgive someone (definition of bitterness), that's like you saying that Christ's blood is insufficient. Golly Mark...way to punch me in the face! Or I guess maybe it was the Holy Spirit doing that, but I fully admit I deserved the punch.

He also explained that just because you choose to forgive someone does not necessarily mean that you should also seek to reconcile the relationship. This was something I had also been held up on...I was thinking that if I forgave these people, that would mean I would have to get over the hurt feelings and be their friend again, regularly see them again, and allow them into my life. I'm relieved to understand that this is not the case. He explained that repentance of bitterness (choosing forgiveness) requires one person. Reconciliation requires two people.

Another thing to remember is that forgiveness is not just a one-time deal. I chose on Saturday to forgive all of these people who have hurt me. But there will be (and already have been) moments that will trigger the hurt feelings again, tempting me to walk down the path of bitterness. So I will have to re-forgive. And re-forgive. And re-forgive. Possibly for a very long time. Probably until Michael and I are well past this trial. Practice makes perfect, right?

One very helpful exercise he suggested, especially in the case of the situation where the person who has offended you has never apologized, was to journal out your feelings. This allows you to experience a sense of closure that can allow you to move from bitterness to forgiveness.

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.

That's probably a good idea, so that my heart of bitterness doesn't continue to spread in my heart like a cancer, and then bleed over into Michael's heart, and so on until much destruction is caused.

So I chose to forgive these people. It may be hard to do, but it's so freeing if you can actually accomplish it. Choose forgiveness over bitterness, and let the healing begin. (And turn on Tenth Avenue North's Healing Begins song, just for good measure!)

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood

Total honesty here. I'm struggling. This journey we're on is getting a little too routine for me, to the point where it's been a huge struggle for me to think positively or hold onto hope. I know it's not right to think that way, but I can't seem to shake the negative feelings. It feels like what was once a blessing in disguise that taught us so much, humbled us so much, and drew us closer in marriage...is now becoming a stumbling block in my heart.

If you've ever experienced a point in your life where you were waiting for something you desire, then you can probably relate. When you've waited, and waited, and waited, and don't have even a clue as to how much longer you have left to wait, thoughts of hopelessness enter your mind so much more frequently. Satan knows exactly what he's doing, and what to whisper in my ear to get me to lose hope.

You will never get pregnant.
You've always seen a negative result on the pregnancy test, therefore you will always see a negative result. It won't ever change.
You're going to have to rely on science to get pregnant.
This may never end. God doesn't promise to give children to everyone.
You are powerless.
You have endometriosis.
You don't produce enough fertile CM to conceive naturally.
And the darkest one: I'm a terrible wife because I can't even give my husband a child.

My hope in listing these negative, dark thoughts out is to help them lose their power. Bring Satan's lies to light so they can be revealed as false. Re-reading them shows me that they contradict one another. Thankfully, God is not a God of disorder (1 Corinthians 14:33).

As a side note here, Michael has been a wonderful help and comfort to me. I love that he has openly expressed his willingness and desire to be the listening ear when I need it, any time. I love that he prays for us right after I've tearfully let all my feelings out. I am so thankful to have him by my side as my spiritual head, and to not have to go through this alone. I know the truth is that he loves me no matter what, children or no children. But facing the lies and temptation to despair has been more than I can handle as of late. I have been praying for God's strength through His Spirit to take over, but feel like I'm still depleted. I know He is in control and has a perfect plan, but the waiting is getting to be unbearable.

The other hard part for me is that I have felt a division taking place in my heart with regards to my friends. Michael and I have chosen to be as open about our struggle as possible, in the hopes that when our friends find out they are expecting, they might show some courtesy by warning us ahead of time before they announce publicly in front of us. It is also in the hopes that our friends who already have children might use caution around us before complaining about unnecessary things related to being parents.

Many of our friends, as a result of our openness and their hearts of sensitivity, have shown us those courtesies above. For you, we are so thankful.

But there are others who I once felt very close to, and now I struggle with deep-seeded bitterness towards. There are people we once considered close friends who have said absolutely nothing to us since we've announced our struggle. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. And it has not been for a lack of opportunity. To you, I pray that you will learn to be more sensitive to other people's struggles and be less self-involved. I'm being totally honest because...well...it's my blog, and this helps me to process my feelings.

There are others who have at one time expressed their condolences about our struggle (and some who on top of condolences, offered their 'sage wisdom' and lectures on how I should get over it because kids are hard and change your life), and then they publicly announce their pregnancies without so much as an "I'm sorry, I hope that wasn't too hard on you." Again, zilch. To you, I struggle the most with you. I struggle so deeply with bitterness that I scare myself. I don't want to feel this way about you. I want to forgive you, but at this time, I just cannot seem to bring my heart to that place yet. I know I should. I know Ephesians 4:32 says "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Even though you have not asked for my forgiveness, I should grant it to you anyway. I know. But I'm just not there yet. It's easier to rationalize the previous type who has never expressed any condolences at all, because I can hope that they are just oblivious and perhaps too embarrassed to bring it up, or perhaps they think bringing it up will hurt our feelings, but your type...it feels like you're being fake. You offer phony condolences and pity, then turn around and act selfishly, only concerned about yourself. My prayer for you is that you would be made aware of how often you do this. I wonder if I'm the only one who has been affected by this trait of yours. I hope so, because I would not want someone else to feel the hurt that I feel from you. My hope and prayer for myself is that one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to truly forgive you. Sometimes I get really close to forgiving you because doing so honors God, not because you deserve it. But then I get pulled back in to those thoughts of bitterness towards you, making me realize I need to start the process over again. I really hope one day I can be free of the bitterness towards you and truly forgive you.

So the way I've been feeling lately is like I'm standing at a fork in the road, with all my friends lined up just before the fork, and I'm sorting them to the right and to the left: those whom I can trust with my struggling heart, and those I cannot. Those who have stood by us through this difficult time, and those who have not. Those who have been praying for us, and those who have not. Those who have entered a new, even more beautiful space in my heart reserved for friendship that I didn't even know existed, and those who have bruised my heart and taken advantage of it.



This feeling has made me question what kind of friend am I? Are there people in my life that I have ignored during their struggles? Have I been fake about my condolences and then hurt someone without even realizing it? If I have, I'm so, so sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. Know that I'll be a lot more aware of this from now on, and I pray that I can become even more sensitive to others' struggles.

And for those who graciously have been praying for us...please don't stop. I desperately need your prayer to help get me through this. To help bring me to a heart of forgiveness and hopefulness. To not let the lies listed above take root. To not let bitterness take root. I need you, I love you, and I greatly thank you.

A City Set on a Hill Cannot be Hidden

My apologies for having not posted in a while...I have been traveling a lot for work, but thankfully, the Lord continues to inspire me in every situation, even at work, about topics to blog about here.

Earlier this week I attended a conference with several of my co-workers, one of whom is currently expecting her first child. Just before leaving for the conference, I was fearful of getting into the car with her and another female co-worker (we were all three carpooling to the conference) because I was afraid I would be subjected to 3+ hours of nothing but baby-related talk.

To my surprise, this pregnant woman did not mention anything remotely close to her pregnancy, babies, children...nothing. Later that evening she was telling me how she used to be able to travel a lot without it affecting her, but now it's harder "Maybe because I'm married now..." She did NOT say "Because I'm pregnant" or anything close to that.

This really impressed me.

Why?

Because I've noticed a pattern in our culture, specific to females only. Obviously there are a lot of different personalities, backgrounds, strengths/weaknesses because we are all unique, but there is one thing that I've observed about women that can be classified into two groups, and only two groups: Prideful or Humble.

The pattern that I'm speaking of specifically relates, of course, to pregnancy or being a mother of children of any age. I have observed that women fall into one of the two groups above, either they are prideful or humble about how they view their role as a future or current mother.

Really and truly think about this pattern. I have observed that when women get pregnant, it seems like all of a sudden a switch is flipped, and they realize that they get to have 9-month's worth of doting on and full-blown attention from society. They get special parking spaces, strange women approaching them to comment about how great they look or ask them about their plans, the gender, the name, etc. They get to be the center of attention for at least one baby shower thrown for them by friends or family.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with recognizing the beauty and blessing of pregnancy. But where I have a problem, is how that pregnant woman's attitude and heart responds to all of this attention.

Does she remain humble, and just dwell in her gratitude and thankfulness for the blessing she's been given by the Lord? Or does she take this opportunity, where for 9-months she is placed in the spotlight on center stage, to keep the focus on herself?

Does she remain humble by expressing her thankfulness to God for the blessing she's been given, taking the opportunity to share her faith with complete strangers or unbelievers? Or does she post an unnecessary amount of ultrasound pictures, status updates about pregnancy, pictures of her growing belly, or a cartoon "Your Pregnancy, Week by Week" tracker on her blog or Facebook?

What should your heart focus on while the world is focusing on YOU?

Matthew 4:14-15
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house."

It's inevitable -- when you become pregnant, the world will focus a lot of attention on you. I'm not saying this attention is a bad thing. But if you choose to keep that attention mostly focused on yourself, then I believe you are falling into that Prideful group instead of the Humble one.

What message will you choose to send? If you know you have infertile friends, yet you choose to update frequently on Facebook or blogs about your pregnancy, doesn't that send a message to others that you are insensitive and intentionally being a stumbling block to your infertile friends? (Assuming of course that you have not already personally contacted those friends to warn them you will be updating those types of things. I have had two friends message me on Facebook prior to their announcing pregnancy for all of Facebook, warning me that they will be doing so, and to unfriend or hide them so that I won't be hurt. That is true class if you ask me. Their sensitivity frees me up to be joyful for them, without struggling with bitterness towards them.) If you utter several complaints about how sick or tired you feel, doesn't that tell the world all about yourself instead of how faithful God is to give you a child? When you meet a stranger who asks you about your pregnancy, do you only talk about yourself and your plans, or do you bring the focus back to God -- the One who created the very topic of your conversation?

Psalm 127:3-5
3 Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

If you are fortunate enough to receive the blessing of carrying a child, then please realize that you have been given an amazing opportunity from the Lord to share His glory and your testimony at a time when you will most certainly have a listening and watching audience.

I was so very impressed with this co-worker of mine that I flat out told her that I think she is so incredibly sensitive for not flaunting her pregnancy. I shared about how I struggle with infertility and thanked her profusely for making it easier for me to be around her -- so much easier that I joyfully asked her questions about her baby, the gender, the name, etc. because my heart was free of fear and full of joy and happiness for her.

Matthew 23:12
Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

If one day the Lord blesses me with a pregnancy, you will not see me flaunt it, nor will you hear me utter a complaint about it. I do not want to keep the focus on myself because I know for a fact that the pregnancy will not be a result of any effort I made, it will only be because God decided it was the right time to open my womb. I cannot wait for the opportunity to share my faith even more with strangers who approach me. This infertility journey has certainly given me a lot of practice at remaining faithful through difficulties. And since I never plan to use any form of contraceptive ever again, even after having a first child, Lord willing....second pregnancy right away? Bring it on. Ten children in my future? Bring it on. I say this will full confidence because I have complete faith in the Lord to carry me through any situation or struggle we may face. Easy? Certainly not...this is the most difficult struggle I've ever gone through, but I have such a greater testimony to share about the Lord and His Grace and Love because of it.

Don't Ignore Us

This week, April 22nd-29th is National Infertility Awareness Week. Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after 12 months of unprotected sex, or the inability to carry a child to full-term.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 couples. So whether you are struggling with infertility, or just know someone who is, I challenge you to spread the word about this suffering that is often kept too silent.

My goal for this week is to educate those around me who do not know much about infertility, so that they can be better informed and hopefully more sensitive and empathetic to people they may know who are impacted by infertility.

I have previously written a blog post specifically about sensitivity, but yesterday was the Family Planning Panel in our Sunday School class and it was so refreshing to hear from another couple who struggled with infertility for 4 years, and thankfully now have two children. Her wisdom and tips for friends of infertile couples have inspired me to re-summarize some thoughts here too.

Emotional Struggles of Infertile Couples
In this section I want to shed some light on how couples who struggle with infertility may find themselves feeling or struggling - take this moment to put yourself in their shoes. The following list is comprised of emotions that infertile couples struggle with quite often, even though deep down we know we should have a joyful and hopeful heart. The enemy loves to use the following emotions to lead us into the pit of despair.

• Forgotten - It's easy to feel forgotten and ignored. When you first learn about a couple who's struggling, you're likely to reach out to comfort them often at the beginning, but over time, as months and months pass, their struggle may slowly move to the back of your mind. Infertile couples may start to perceive that people ask them less often how they're doing or how they can be prayed for. How You Can Help: I encourage you to continue telling your infertile friend that you love them, care for them, and are praying for them. Remember that for infertile couples, this is something we struggle with monthly, weekly, daily, hourly.
• Inadequate - Because our bodies are not producing what everyone else's are so easily able to (it's not true, but appears that way), infertile couples can struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Shame and guilt also play a role here too - as if we had made better choices, or done certain things, perhaps we wouldn't be in our infertile situation. How You Can Help: Encourage your infertile friend that he/she is NOT inadequate. That their infertility is NOT a result of past sin or a failure on their part - remind him/her that this is out of their control entirely, therefore the "blame" for infertility is certainly not their own.
• Sadness/Depression -This may apply more so to the wife of an infertile couple, but each month the woman rides a roller coaster of emotion: begins with hope in the "fresh start" of her cycle, hoping and praying that intercourse is timed successfully (or procedure is successful) around ovulation, then waiting and hoping during the "two week wait" (but trying not to get your hopes too high or read too much into possible early pregnancy symptoms), and then when her period starts, it's a very sad time of mourning and crying because it's a big, red slap in the face that you are in fact not pregnant this month either. This cycle repeats this way month after month, year after year. How You Can Help: Ask your infertile girl-friend where she is in her cycle (so you know what stage of the roller coaster she's on), and encourage her to keep her chin up no matter what. Remind her that she won't be struggling with this forever. And tell her you're praying for her (and actually pray for her!) If she's really struggling with the onset of her period, take her out for a drink or some ice cream to help cheer her up. The best thing you can do is just be there for her and encourage her.
• Bitter-Sweet - When friends of the infertile couple become pregnant or have children, it's a very bitter-sweet emotion for the infertile couple. On the one hand, we are SO happy for the friend because we truly recognize and appreciate the blessing that children are. But on the other hand, we feel sad that it's not our time yet to experience pregnancy and children. Others being pregnant or having children also reminds us that we do not have that blessing yet. It can very painful as we deal with those conflicting emotions. How You Can Help: Use discretion when talking about your pregnancy or children. See my tips below in the section "When Announcing Your Pregnancy to an Infertile Couple".
• Impatience - Who likes waiting for long periods of time for something they desperately want? Not me! And certainly not other infertile couples. Although on some level we are glad that we can still go on spontaneous dates, we also really, really, really want children. Like, yesterday! With infertility there is SO MUCH WAITING! You not only wait month-to-month as each cycle proves unsuccessful in conceiving a child, but you also wait within the month's cycle for certain milestones to occur (ovulation, two week wait) - the end result is you feel almost as if each day drags slowly by. How You Can Help: Pray for your infertile friends to have more patience, and encourage them with Scripture and other words of wisdom that the waiting will not last forever and challenge them to use this time of waiting for God's glory and good, to not let this time go to waste. Do NOT say things like "Well, at least you can get a full night's sleep, have a quiet house and time to yourselves."
• Worries/Doubts/Fears - This is the biggest struggle for me personally, which the enemy frequently and most often uses to get me to lose hope. It's so easy for me to dwell on a worrisome or fearful thought. It can be as tiny as "Am I drinking enough water everyday...maybe if I drink even more water, that will help me get pregnant." So many different thoughts can trigger these emotions. The tiniest thing can trigger a mountain of emotion. And with a person averaging about 3,000 thoughts per day, it's no wonder why this is my biggest struggle! When I start to dwell on a thought like this, it can be really hard to snap myself out of it even after praying and reading the Word. The same thought can be recurring too. How You Can Help: Speak truth to your infertile friends when they express their worries/fears/doubts. If they say something like "What if I have some terrible disease that I haven't been tested for yet, and I'm sitting here trying to get pregnant and have no idea that this disease is making it difficult to, and I could be getting treatment if I only knew about it..." Speak truth that God is bigger and greater than anything and everything. If the friend is truly worried about it, you can encourage them to see a specialist, but always remind them that God is ultimately in control and that God makes the impossible possible, as He has shown us in His Word time and time again. Also pray for your infertile friends to have strength to overcome those fears and doubts and surrender them to God.
• Anger/Frustration - Infertile couples often struggle with anger and frustration. Sometimes these emotions are directed inwardly at themselves because they're just plain angry that they're stuck in the infertility situation that they're in and want answers. Now! But anger and frustration can also be directed at others who either knowingly or unknowingly say/do something to offend them. How You Can Help: Encourage them that it's okay to be angry. But don't let that anger become a stumbling block in their walk with the Lord. Remind them that the Lord is not ignoring their prayers, and to not give up. And remind them that when offended by other people, it's a wonderful opportunity to express grace and forgiveness even when an apology is not given. Also refer to the section below called "Do's and Don'ts of Comfort- and Advice-Giving" to hopefully avoid being the target of offense.

Do's and Don'ts of Comfort- and Advice-Giving

• DO tell your infertile friend you're praying for them
• DO pray for your infertile friend (it's easy to say you'll be praying, but don't just speak empty words - actually follow through!)
• DO encourage your friend through Scripture and wisdom
• DON'T tell your friend that it's all in their head, they need to relax, or to stop thinking about it
• DON'T tell the infertile couple that they should adopt or ask if they have considered adopting. Though adoption can be a beautiful journey on its own, it is NOT the same as having biological children.
• DO ask the infertile couple how they're doing and how you can help (if at all)
• DON'T ask the couple "Are you sure you really want kids?"
• DON'T say careless things like "We'll enjoy marriage for 2 years and then we'll have 3 kids" or even just "When we have kids...." - Hopefully you won't learn the hard way, but there are no certainties, and with God, sometimes your plans mean squat.
• DO empathize with the infertile couple - tell them "I'm so sorry you're going through this, that must be so incredibly hard."
• DON'T pretend to empathize by saying something like "Oh my goodness, I totally understand how you feel...it took me three whole months to get pregnant with my second child."
• DO hug your infertile friend
• DO reassure and complement your infertile friend
• DON'T "show off" your pregnancy or baby to your infertile friend (either in person or social media - consider how often you draw attention to yourself)
• DON'T complain about your pregnancy or new-found parenthood
• DON'T be offended if your infertile friend avoids going to your baby shower or meeting your baby

When Announcing Your Pregnancy to an Infertile Couple

• Tell your infertile friends in private so that they can process the news in a private setting. The BEST way to tell your infertile friends you're expecting is via email/letter because when the friend receives your joyous news, he/she can process it on their own in the moment. The next best method would be via telephone. Your LAST RESORT should be telling them in person in private. And you should NEVER tell them in person, in a public setting.
• If you plan to announce your pregnancy in a group/social setting (Sunday School, work, Facebook, Bible Study, even an email announcement sent to a group of people), you should always strive to tell the infertile friends privately beforehand via the method above. That doesn't mean you have to tell them before your family, but you should strive to avoid the "surprise" announcements in social settings by telling the infertile friends before you announce publicly in their presence or where they may quickly hear the news.
• Never avoid telling the infertile friend you're pregnant, thinking you're hiding something or sparing the pain from them (after all, seeing you with a huge belly kind of gives it away). The chances are great that they will find out through mutual friends, and it would be way more hurtful if you left them out of the loop entirely instead of being sensitive, direct, and upfront in considering their feelings.
• Try to avoid complaining about your pregnancy (or newborns/children) around your infertile friends. Here's a relevant example: Let's say you love chocolate. Really love it. But suddenly you found out that you are deathly allergic to chocolate. It would be really rude and inconsiderate of me to stand in front of you and talk and talk about the chocolate brownie I'm holding, and how good it tastes, and how gooey and warm and delicious it is. And it would be even more rude and thoughtless of me to hold said chocolate fudge brownie and complain about how it's not the right kind of chocolate, it's too warm or gooey, not enough sugar, makes me feel sick, etc.  Apply that same analogy to your pregnancy. Most infertiles, me included, would gladly throw up every day if it meant that we were carrying a child. So be careful that you do not come across as ungrateful or obnoxiously "showy". In fact, as tough as it may be, it may be most considerate for you to behave in such as way as if you were not pregnant around your infertile friends. If she wants to know how you're feeling, how your pants fit, if you've felt the baby move, know the gender, have an ultrasound picture etc. - she'll ask you. There's no need to throw any of those comments/pictures in her face.
• Ask the infertile friend privately if they even want to receive a baby shower invitation. Each couple may feel differently. For us, I like to receive the invitation, but I'm most likely going to decline and just give you a gift in private some other time. Don't be offended if your infertile friend chooses not to come. It's not that she doesn't love you or isn't happy for you, but it's because baby showers are just too painful because the focus is 100% baby. It can feel very suffocating for infertile couples.

Remember my challenge for you this week to help spread the word about Infertility Awareness. Teach others around you about this painful struggle!

Hannah

1 Samuel 1 tells the story of Hannah. A man named Elkanah had two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah did not have children. Every year Elkanah would go worship and sacrifice to the Lord, and he would offer a double portion on behalf of Hannah:

1 Samuel 1:5-8
5 but to Hannah he would give a double portion, for he loved Hannah, but the LORD had closed her womb. 6 Her rival [Peninnah], however, would provoke her bitterly to irritate her, because the LORD had closed her womb. 7 It happened year after year, as often as she went up to the house of the LORD, she would provoke her; so she wept and would not eat. 8 Then Elkanah her husband said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?"

Take a moment to imagine yourself walking in her shoes.

Do you have a "rival" in your life - someone who consistently seems to say careless things that bring unwanted attention and reminders to your struggle with infertility? "It happened year after year." How malicious of a heart must Peninnah have had to provoke Hannah over and over again, knowing how deeply pained she was to have no children.

How do you deal with your rival? In Hannah's case, it seems she didn't have much choice other than to weep bitterly and face the pain of her situation. Perhaps that's your situation too - maybe there's a family member who plays the part of your rival. It's not like you can just disown your family. So how do you deal with a situation like that - where you're stuck, and have to face this person "year after year"?

I have not experienced this type of "I'm stuck" situation yet with someone that I could not escape from. I cannot imagine how painful it must be to face someone time after time who seems to be out to hurt me intentionally. But here is some brief advice if that is your situation:

• Time Out or Apart - If possible, I strongly recommend taking a serious hiatus from spending any time with the rival person. If the rival just cannot learn to be sensitive to your pain (assuming they have been fully informed of your struggle), then time apart may be the best thing to protect your heart and offer a chance to salvage the relationship in the distant future (hopefully after your struggle has ended).
• Needle Prick - This could be applied in virtually any situation where someone offends you, full-blown rival or good-intentioned stranger alike. When someone says something hurtful once, maybe it's best to let it go - give them the benefit of the doubt that they didn't mean to hurt your feelings. Strike Two? Ok, just a little prick (you prick them, don't call them a prick, lol). Using your proper social upbringing tactics, make it clear that your feelings are hurt and that comment was what did it. The result is usually a change in subject, a sincere apology, or at the very least you have the satisfaction of seeing the open-mouth-insert-foot expression on their face. Examples? A) Respond with silence, no smile; B) "Um, we've actually been trying to have children for quite some time now and it's a very painful struggle."; C) "Thank you for your advice, but we both feel led to continue hoping and waiting on the Lord for children"; D) "I really appreciate you inviting me to your shower (or showing me a new picture of your baby), but I hope you can understand how painful my struggle with infertility is, and that it's just best for me to avoid those types of situations at this time."
• Bring Out the Big Guns - If time apart is not an option (perhaps a co-worker or other relative you cannot avoid) and the Needle Prick didn't work, then let's get something straight: if the rival person does not have the "respect for person" character quality, then I think it's time for you to shoot right back - at least at first. Hear me out here, I know there are social manners to keep in mind, but sometimes there are people who flagrantly ignore those manners. When you have already attempted common social maneuvers to communicate that your feelings are hurt, and the message might as well have been spoken to a bamboo shoot, then it's time to be a little more blunt - or a lot more blunt, depending on the person. Know your audience. I have not had to use this tactic yet (thankfully), but I've sure thought of several zingers in my head (hey, it can't hurt to be prepared, can it? lol) Examples -- A) "Wow, that was incredibly rude of you to say that."; B) "You really hurt my feelings with what you just said..."; C) [To a chronic-complainer] "I'm certainly not perfect in this area, but I think it's worth pointing out how often I hear you complain about your baby [or pregnancy] -- I'm sure deep down you're grateful for your child, but as an outside listener, all I'm hearing is moaning and groaning, and from someone who is currently struggling with infertility, it's very hard for me listen to your complaints because I find it making me angry a lot of the time. I just think it's important for you to remember how much of a blessing children are, and that there are lots of women, me included, who would give anything to be in your shoes and have a baby."

The above advice is how I feel rivals should be dealt with: kindness and subtlety at first, but more blunt until it's effective. Do what works best for YOU and what you feel is still within your moral conduct. It never hurts to pray about a situation before trying any of the above.

Let's continue the story and see how the story of Hannah ends. One day Hannah went to the temple and poured out her soul before the Lord:

1 Samuel 1:10-11, 19-20
10 She, greatly distressed, prayed to the LORD and wept bitterly. 11 She made a vow and said, "O LORD of hosts, if You will indeed look on the affliction of Your maidservant and remember me, and not forget Your maidservant, but will give Your maidservant a son, then I will give him to the LORD all the days of his life, and a razor shall never come on his head." ... 19 Then they arose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD, and returned again to their house in Ramah. And Elkanah had relations with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. 20 It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son; and she named him Samuel, saying, "Because I have asked him of the LORD."

Now, Hannah meant her vow literally - once she had weaned Samuel, she took him to the temple and gave him to the priest.

1 Samuel 1:27-28
27 "For this boy I prayed, and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of Him. 28 So I have also dedicated him to the LORD; as long as he lives he is dedicated to the LORD."

That is a beautiful picture, is it not? To dedicate her son to the Lord. I'm guessing this is where the tradition of baby dedications comes from.

Lately I've been feeling like Hannah in the first part of the chapter. I don't have a rival that provokes me, per say, but I have been feeling attacked a lot more by the ultimate rival - Satan. I've found myself getting very discouraged easily (Is God ignoring my prayers? Does He even hear them?) and even with prayer and turning to the Word, I've been having a hard time getting back to a heart of joy and hope. I hope this is just a temporary low period, or better yet, I hope the reason I'm experiencing this attack is because the Lord has really been using me more in His kingdom, so I'm more "appealing" to Satan to try to take down and crush. It's a good thing God has my back. And Michael has been quite the encourager too, speaking truth to me when it's hard for me to tell what's truth and what are lies.

If you're in this struggle with me, stay encouraged my friend! Pray that the Lord will give you wisdom to discern which thoughts in your mind are truth and which are lies (I've been praying for this specifically lately). Pray for the Holy Spirit to fill you with strength to reject the lies and focus your heart on God. These are certainly my prayer requests now. :)

Glory to God

When something good happens in your life, do you remember to give God the glory? How about when something bad happens, do you turn to God and ask "Why did you let that happen?!"

I used to view life's events in this hot and cold sort of manner, or worse, when something good would happen in my life, it would be days or weeks later that I would remember to give the credit to God. I think as your typical over-achiever, I had a certain amount of pride that wanted to take all the credit for myself in my accomplishments. "Well, I'm the one who studied so hard for that test, so I'm the one who earned the high grade." It's admittedly a very selfish and naive point-of-view.

It felt awkward for me at first to give the glory of my accomplishments to God in the moment. For some reason I felt almost silly or childish expressing the words "Praise God for [fill in the blank]!" But eventually it became easier for me to make that my first response.

Now, in the midst of infertility, I have learned all the more reason to give all glory to God. After all, it is only He who has the ability to create life.

This is hard for me when friends or family make unsolicited suggestions. I know they mean well, and perhaps really do feel led by the Lord to pass along the said advice. But what always alarms me when I'm told a specific suggestion is when the person says, "You should try [insert advised medical procedure or alternative practice] because it worked for my [insert relational descriptor like friend, cousin, sister, etc.]" You see, the practice or procedure is not what was successful in the conception of a life - God allowed that procedure to work and He chose for the life to be conceived.

It all comes down to: What are you placing your faith and hope in? The procedure or the one and only Holy God?

I do believe that God has granted the human race with wisdom and knowledge to develop these medical practices that are used to promote conception of a life, but their efforts are completely futile without God being in the picture. They do not work by themselves. God allows those procedures, at certain times, according to His perfect timing and will, to become the avenue through which He creates life.

Don't limit yourself into thinking that you needed the procedure in order to conceive. God has the infinite power to conceive a child in your womb at any time, without the help from modern or alternative medicine. Give Him the credit He is due. If or when the procedure leads to a successful pregnancy, give ALL the glory to God - for allowing the creation of the procedure, and for using that procedure as the mechanism through which He created life according to His plan. As the Bible so frequently says, "To Him be the glory forever. Amen."

Always Be Ready For The Unexpected

This morning served as a fine example and reminder that I should always be on guard, in protecting my heart, that is.

Proverbs 4:23
Watch over your heart with all diligence,
For from it flow the springs of life.

I was sitting at my desk at work, and all of a sudden I hear a baby crying (an odd sound to hear in my office building). It turned out that a co-worker of mine brought her newborn for a visit.

"Ya Gotta See Tha Baby!" (Seinfeld reference in case you were wondering. Watch a short video clip of it here.)

It wasn't really that exaggerated, but there is always a certain amount of pressure to oogle over a baby. Selfishly, I wanted to sit at my desk and ignore their presence, but I didn't. I chose to pray instead, for strength to get through that moment. I think something that also helped me get through it was the fact that this co-worker had previously struggled with infertility, so I know she has been in my situation before. I appreciated her not "throwing her baby in my face," but instead was talking with other co-workers down the hall, so the choice was mine to come out and visit or not. Thankfully, the Lord gave me strength to get through seeing and holding the baby.

But it got me thinking how often "the unexpected" crosses my daily path. Maybe I'm just now noticing anything and everything baby-related since I've begun to struggle with infertility, but I also think maybe some of the unexpected is a spiritual battle in a sense.

Other examples that I'm often (if not daily) faced with:

• On our route to work there is a billboard for a local hospital, advertising that they "deliver", and it shows a picture of a baby
• While watching Hulu, there have been several baby-related commercials even though I repetitively click the "No, not relevant to me" button
• I've been asked if I'm pregnant 3 times in the past 8-months...now, I'm not just fishing for a compliment, but do I really look pregnant?? I don't think so! But it has caused me to stop wearing the said shirt I was wearing, just in case...
• Random sightings - like my example from this morning, or while at the store, it never fails that I'll cross paths with someone who's pregnant or who has a baby (or more)
• Social media - Pinterest is the worst in that respect. There's nothing you can do to avoid seeing baby-related things except to Unfollow the person (which can stink if you like some of the other things they often pin). Facebook is a close runner-up on the worst too. Some friends love to post a zillion pictures of their baby, or worse, all their status updates are negative/complaints about how hard it is to be pregnant, or to take care of a newborn. When did Facebook become the virtual complaint department of the world??
  

I've had to learn that it's okay to protect my heart. You shouldn't feel guilty about doing so! It's OK to decline going to a baby shower (or going and visiting "tha baby"). It's OK to hide certain friends on Facebook from your News Feed so that you aren't subjected to their constant complaining about pregnancy or infant "woes" or dozens of pictures of their babies. It's OK to spend less time with friends who you struggle to be around if your heart is at stake. It's OK!

Remember that when you are tempted, God always provides a way out.

1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it.

In those moments when you are faced with "the unexpected," take action to protect your heart. And PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! God will get you through it.

Sensitivity

Have you ever been called over-sensitive? How about insensitive? Typically, I'm more often classified as the former. It's always been natural for me to react offended to something than for me to not care at all. Perhaps that comes with the territory for people who have compassion as a personality trait - the positive elements of that trait are generosity and having a kind, loving heart, but on the flip side, you can be easily wounded when you wear your heart on your sleeve.

In the context of infertility, it's extremely easy for me to get hurt feelings. From a friend haphazardly announcing her pregnancy, a friend complaining about the effects of being pregnant or having a newborn, or even saying "encouraging" words to me like "Just relax, and stop worrying so much" -- all of these have happened to me personally and have hurt me.

And I'm not alone in this either: a close friend recently told me that her sister-in-law announced her pregnancy without sensitivity even though the sister-in-law knew my friend has been struggling to get pregnant (the sister-in-law announced it in a way as "We weren't trying, just not preventing" - Folks, take care with this phrase when speaking to someone going through infertility, because that's basically saying, "We weren't trying to win the lottery, we just randomly found the winning ticket and it's no big deal" or like Elle from Legally Blonde when she got into Harvard Law School, "What, like it's hard?").

I'm a very loyal person, so when someone hurts my husband's or friend's feelings, it outrages me. I also feel so much empathy for her because I know that the sister-in-law's announcement was like a knife cutting deep. It hurts when others are insensitive to this trial. I'm so glad there are people who have taken the time to write down tips and advice for people who have friends struggling with infertility.

If you're tempted to think, "Well Christine, maybe you really are just being over-sensitive..." I would have to respond strongly to that: Friend, unless you too have experienced the pain that comes with infertility, you really have no grounds for thinking that. You simply cannot imagine the pain of having a desire in your heart for something that you have zero control over. Certainly not to discount the following trials (we too have experienced them and recognize the fear, stress, and pain associated with them), but infertility is not quite the same type of pain as losing a job, hoping for a job/scholarship/degree, or even losing a loved one. Because if you lose your job, you can take action to seek a new one. Sure, it may be hard, stressful, and require big life changes or a move somewhere else, but it is within your power to seek a new job. And because when you lose a loved one, you only lose that loved one ONE time, not month after month. There is some finality in losing a loved one too - you know for certain that they will not come back, so you can mourn their passing, and move on and allow God to heal your pain.

But infertility is on-going. Month after month your heart goes on an exhausting roller coaster ride of hope, enjoy "trying", waiting in hope, and then disappointment and mourning. Every month that passes where you do not get pregnant, you are having to mourn the dream that will not be born quite yet. Plus, you have to deal with your period...a big, red, slap in the face is never a fun thing.

Since I've been struggling with infertility, at first I would quickly take offense when something hurt me, hold onto that grudge and avoid/ignore the person who hurt me, and finally, weeks or months later forgive them. I'm getting better about this and learning to show more grace to others, with the Lord's help. But I also now have a passion for educating my friends and family about the pain associated with infertility - perhaps they have acted insensitively because they don't know how else to respond.

So friends who are struggling with infertility, show GRACE and lots of it. You're going to need it. Just look at it as a great opportunity to practice showing forgiveness to others even when they don't ask for it. Not easy I know, but it is what God asks of us:

Colossians 3:12-13
So, as those who have been chosen of God, holy and beloved, put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against anyone; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you.

Ephesians 4:31-32
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

And for friends of those struggling with infertility, here is a quick list of ways to encourage them and things to say if you're unsure (for more advice, I encourage you to read this):

• Ask how you can pray for her
• Better yet, tell her that you're praying for her
• Tell her to hang in there, stay strong, and never give up hope...God is bigger and more powerful than ANYTHING
• Hugs are always nice
• If you are pregnant/have a newborn, do your best not to complain about anything you're going through - it's easily interpreted as ungratefulness
• If you are pregnant or hosting a baby shower for a mutual friend, be sensitive that the shower can be extremely painful and depressing to go to. Be understanding if your friend declines to come. The point is that it's a temptation for your infertile friend to attend - she's tempted to focus on jealous, envious, bitter thoughts. If your husband struggled with sexual purity, you certainly wouldn't want him to attend a strip club would you? Of course not, it's only wise that he avoid situations that lead him into temptation. The same applies to women struggling with infertility - respect her decisions on what she can and cannot handle.
• When announcing that you are pregnant, tell her by email or letter...over the phone is possibly okay, but could still be hard sometimes. Telling her in person is very hard because your friend will feel obligated to react joyfully even though it's painful to hear of other friends who are expecting. Telling her in person in a public place is the worst possible way to tell her - she will feel trapped and will be fighting to hold back tears.
• When announcing your pregnancy, if doing so to a group of mutual friends (in a Sunday School class or Bible study group) and your infertile friend will be present, it is wise to tell the friend ahead of time via email/letter as previously mentioned so that she can process the news on her own alone, and will not be caught off guard by your surprise announcement in a group setting. I know you may have a dream of wanting it to be a "Guess what, WE'RE PREGNANT!" sort of moment, but for the infertile friend, that will hurt her deeply. After all, telling the infertile friend ahead of time is a win-win - you're sparing her some additional hurt feelings, and still getting to announce the surprise to others in the group (the non-infertiles).
• When announcing your pregnancy and "How It Happened", be careful with your phrasing. Implying that it's no big deal, "He just had to walk in the room," "Got it on the first try", and "We weren't really trying" are all very difficult for your infertile friend to hear. Use wisdom in knowing your audience and when to hold your tongue.

Still holding onto hope for this month's cycle, thank you all for your prayers and friendship.

Jeremiah 29:11
'For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'

Funny Infertile T-shirts

Advice for Friends and Family

This is an excerpt from Faith Biblical Counseling:

In our quest to be genuinely helpful, sometimes we say things that only make it more difficult. People are not the same and the “solutions” for a pregnancy are not identical. I remember that my wife and I had tried to have a child for about a year. The longer we were unsuccessful the more advice we received. Everything from what we should eat and drink, to what type of clothing we should wear, to when and how often we should have sexual relations and on and on the advice went. Our personal favorite was the dear folks who told us not to be stressed about it. Not be stressed! Really? There were even occasions that we received advice we did not ask for. In due time, we did have a child, three in fact, but to this day we cannot identify a “magic trick.” It seemed to us that we would try to have a child and then the Lord would give the increase in His time. Honestly, that is the way the Lord has worked in many couples’ lives.

So, please do not seek to help those struggling with infertility by simply explaining what worked for you. That may or may not be their experience.

Every infertile couple knows that you cannot solve the issue for them. They are not asking you to do that. They are simply asking that you would care about them and that you would care about their suffering. So, remember, if they tell you about their infertility they are simply asking you to “one another” them a little bit.

Pray for them. Pray that God strengthens them in the inner man to endure this trial. Pray that God would give them the desire of their hearts – to have a child – if it is according to His will. Pray that you would be kind and gracious to them.

Send a card or make a call. Ladies, you know how challenging it can be to start your cycle when you really want a child. So if you learn that one of your friends started her cycle now could be a great time for a card. A “thinking of you” card could go a long way to suffering with your friend.

Those struggling with infertility do not always want the “what worked for you” advice. They often want someone who would pray for them and care about them as they walk through this valley that seems like “the valley of the shadow of death.”