How Is It Possible That We Have An 8-Month Old!?

I realize my blogging frequency has plummeted...I think this is just my new reality. If you want more frequent updates/pictures, please find us on Facebook. :)

But, I'll give an update on the last several months.

1-2 Months

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Her eyes started focusing on us more. Developed good head strength. And smiled! Oh what a beautiful sight! Only cried a little bit after her first set of vaccines, tough girl. Still ate like a champ and slept well through the night - a huge blessing to us.

2-3 Months

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Lots more smiling and babbling. Started hair and earring grabbing, which eventually led to my getting a hair cut. Eager to move - learned how to "scooch" on her back by pushing with her legs. Big head - 83rd percentile for head circumference. :)

3-4 Months

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I officially quit my job to be full-time Mom! EVY started blowing lots of spit bubbles. Also started to give us some soft laughs. Started rolling over to tummy and back before 4 months old...which at first concerned me during nighttime sleep because I was worried about SIDS, but after extensive Googling, I learned that once baby can roll back and forth on their own, you don't have to worry as much about it, just make sure their crib environment is safe. Started teething at 3.5 months (but teeth didn't appear for several more months). Still ate and slept great.

4-5 Months

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Made a turtle face as pictured on the right that we love. Rolled over with ease and loved sleeping on her tummy. Giggles a lot more and is very playful. Tried to sit up and push up when on tummy.

5-6 Months

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Went to visit the birth family - had a wonderful time seeing everyone again! Took many precious pictures and videos. Still ate and slept great. On the brink of crawling. Loves our pets. So playful and goofy.

6-7 Months

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And she's crawling! Also sitting up while using an arm as a kickstand. Enjoys bouncing in the jumper. Loves the pets and crawling after them. Started solid foods...banana is her favorite. She's a good fit for us! Lots of giggles. We finalized our adoption this month!

7-8 Months

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Crawls with ease and very quickly when she wants to hustle and get somewhere. Also sits up easily without arm support. AND started pulling up on things to get on her knees. Just a matter of time before she gets a foot underneath and stands up. First two teeth on the bottom came through, our cute little bulldog. Loves to play, pull things from their shelves, smoosh her face into the crib railings like she's in jail, throw and then chase after her toys...while panting like a dog (I guess they've been teaching her how to fetch). "Talks" a lot more. And screams a LOT more. Eardrum piercing squeals to communicate that she's bored, mad, or tired. Went "swimming" for the first time (we held her the whole time) and loved it! We put her in the nursery at church for the first time and praise the Lord she has yet to get sick! Church was getting to be difficult when trying to keep her entertained and quiet. Wears 9 month size clothing, weighs close to 17 lbs, and is about 27 inches long.

All videos are posted here.

Now somehow we have an 8-month old who is growing up WAY too fast. For the first 7 months, our mentality was "I can't believe she's already __ months old!" Then when she started crawling at 7 months, it shifted to "Wait...she's ONLY 8 months old??" My day-to-day routine completely changed once she became mobile. Time feels like it has flown by, but then in reality not that much time has passed. It's a weird feeling.

But motherhood has been such a joy for me. I had always heard from friends that they felt desperate to have adult conversations or to get a break. Though I can certainly understand the frustrations and stresses that come with being a mom, I truly love my day-to-day "job". My role isn't what defines me as a person, but it's a role that I'm so thankful and honored that I get to fulfill. It stretches me, convicts me of my own selfishness, and inspires me to live a life that she might want to look up to. I'm just so in love with this little girl and can't believe she hasn't always been in our lives. Michael is completely smitten with her and will probably buy her a pony if she asks for it. :)   But really y'all...parenthood has been such a blessing and wonderful growing experience. We still make our marriage a higher priority by setting aside time to talk, but our hearts and home are so much fuller with sweet EVY.

Meet EVY, The Sweetest Potato There Ever Was

There is much to fill in since our last post, and I'll do my best to capture everything on here.

Before Birth
After we got the call that we had been chosen, we began the process of getting to know the birth family. We had the honor of meeting them in person on December 3rd in their hometown.

We took the afternoon off work and drove to their hometown. We arrived early and walked around to do a little shopping near the restaurant. We bought the best tasting chocolate ever - Taza Chocolate. Thank goodness it's not for sale at our local stores, lol.

We stopped in a bookstore and little did we know, but the birth family was there too and saw us looking at some children's books (they knew what we looked like because they had seen our profile).

Then we walked to the restaurant to meet them. It was incredible getting to meet the birth family, and was wonderful because so many family members were there and in support of their adoption plan. We got to meet the birth mother and her mom, sister, and grandmother, as well as the birth father and his mom.

These two individuals are so amazing. They're quirky and nerdy just like us, and we share a lot of the same taste in music, movies, and books. The birth family said several times that they viewed us as the grown-up versions of the birth parents. We feel so honored they feel that way!

And they are incredible. To have ended up in a tough situation, but to have maintained a mature attitude...way more courage and maturity than Michael or I ever had at their age. Michael jokes that he was still eating boogers at their age. LOL.

Anyway, we grew an instant love for them all and couldn't wait for our families to merge, all centered around a precious little baby girl. Family is not just blood and genetics. Love is all it takes. :)

Welcoming EVY into the World
The birth family felt so comfortable with us that they invited us to join them at the hospital for the birth. Understand that in TX, the birth parents must wait a minimum of 48 hours before signing relinquishment papers, so before that time, they don't have to include the adoptive parents at all. It was nothing but a gift to us to invite and include us during this precious time.

Her due date was the 16th, but EVY decided she wasn't ready yet. The birth mother was scheduled to be induced on Friday morning the 19th. But EVY decided that she'd start making her way into the world at the same time they arrived at the hospital to be induced. That's right, the birth mother went into labor as she was signing into the hospital to be induced. So she didn't need to receive as much Pitocin as would have been needed.

We arrived at the hospital around lunchtime Friday, and the birth family invited us into the L&D room to hang out. The first sound we heard when entering the room was EVY's heartbeat on the monitor...what a beautiful sound! We got to meet the birth father's dad and grandma, and the birth mother's grandpa and stepdad. The birth mother had an epidural, so she was as comfortable as the situation warranted.

After a couple hours of visiting with the family, we felt hungry and decided to go get our lunch from the car and then come back. We didn't expect it to take us half an hour just to FIND our car...trust me, it was not obvious which parking garage we had parked in...turned out it wasn't either of the two garages associated with the hospital, but it was still connected to the hospital by a tunnel. What genius thought of connecting a third parking garage and then not make a single sign directing you back to it??

Anyway, we finally found our car, grabbed our lunch, and then found the cafeteria and microwaves to heat it up. We enjoyed lunch and then received a text message from the birth family that they just sent everyone but the birth mother's mom out of the room so she could start pushing!

So we went to the waiting room and waited with the rest of the birth family. The birth mother's mom called me after a little while and all I heard was a baby crying...she let me hear EVY's first cry! After a little more time passed, her mom came and said the birth father and Michael and I could come back to the delivery room to meet EVY. They wanted us to spend "the golden hour" after birth with her to help bond - yet another incredibly generous gift that they did not have to do for us. All in all, the labor lasted 10 hours.

Meeting EVY for the first time was amazing, and such a mixture of emotions. I was ecstatic, but it also suddenly occurred to me "Oh my gosh, I'm an only child, never babysat growing up, and have a germophobic compulsion that makes me squeamish around other people's kids...I have NO idea how to hold let alone care for a baby!" EVY was just so tiny and delicate, I was afraid of breaking her. So I was a little nervous the first few times with EVY, and a little horrified/amazed at how the nurses flipped and turned the babies in the nursery - they made it look like no big deal, like they weren't handling a fragile little angel. I was so amazed with Michael. He took the initiative with feeding and changing her while at the hospital. That helped me gain some confidence back.

It was a wonderful weekend with family - with the birth family and getting to know them better, with my parents who drove down also, and with EVY getting used to the idea that she would soon come home with us.

On Sunday the 21st, we first met the caseworker to sign the adoptive parent agreement. It wasn't quite as lengthy as closing on a house, but felt pretty close. Then we waited while the caseworker met with the birth parents to sign the relinquishment papers. When it was done, we visited with the birth family for a while and then said our goodbyes. Very bittersweet experience. The birth family gave us a photo album of the birth parents growing up as a child, as well as a beautiful blanket their church had blessed. Such wonderful gifts to give to EVY someday.

After our goodbyes, we went to the nursery with the caseworker to discharge EVY from the hospital and head home. That process took quite a bit longer than expected, so we got home really late that night. EVY was an angel and slept the whole car ride home until we were 5 minutes from home because she got hungry.


EVY's First Month at Home
Since being back home, we have learned so much as we settled into a groove. First we learned that the whole co-sleeping thing does not work for us. I'm way too much of a light sleeper that I was waking up to every little coo and sound she made and got no sleep.

Once home, we started feeding her the donated breast milk several friends have generously given to us. She's about 6 weeks old now and has been almost exclusively on breast milk for that time - what a gift! She's a fantastic eater, never refusing anything from the bottle. And she guzzles her bottles, which explains why she frequently gets hiccups. :)

She's been a great sleeper too, really taking it easy on us. Our first few days home were rough because her days and nights were flip-flopped. We realized she was getting her deepest sleep during the day, so we had the thought of trying to disrupt her daytime sleep to help her get her deepest sleep at night. That worked beautifully for her. Until we got a baby monitor, I slept in the guest room (next to the nursery) and took the night shift.

Michael was sadly dealing with his mom passing at the time (high highs and low lows all at once!) and I wanted him to be fully focused on that. You only lose your mom once and he needed to honor her and take care of everything.

After her memorial service, we got a baby monitor and I started sleeping in our bedroom again. I just keep the volume on the lowest setting and can still hear her cry when she wakes up. But thankfully, she has been sleeping through the night for a while now, which is a wonderful blessing to us. We got about 1 week behind in our workout schedule, but now we're back to a daily routine of working out and the hippie-lifestyle of plant-based eating and gardening. :)

At her first pediatrician's appointment on 12/23, she already weighed her birth weight again (6 lbs, 12 oz). She was born with a few holes in her heart that they said is pretty common. The doctor still heard the heart murmur, so we followed up with a children's cardiologist on 12/31. They did another echocardiogram, and the doctor says she only has one tiny hole remaining, and he's confident it'll close on its own. We'll see him again in early February to hopefully confirm the murmur is gone.

At her 2 week appt, she weighed 7 lb, 5 oz, and the doctor said he's very happy with her growth rate, so we can start letting her decide how long she wants to sleep at night (which she started around 6 hours and worked up since). We'll see the doctor again at 2 months for her first vaccine.

She is a feisty and very active girl. When she's awake, she is very alert, and loves to look around the room. She responds to our voices and other noises. She displayed strong neck muscles early on too, and now at 1 month can easily support/lift her head when having tummy time. Speaking of tummy time, she HATES it usually, and will have a crying fit that Mommy was so mean to put her on her tummy again. She got so mad one time that she actually rolled herself back onto her back! She's done this three times now, one of which I caught on video (which is included in the video link below). Now you'll understand why she was crying during that video!

She also loves to squirm, punch, and kick when she's awake and displeased with whatever we're doing (such as changing her diaper). :) Her noises and grunts amuse us, and we refer to them as "E.T. noises" like the movie. Also, when she begins to cry, she starts off with a comical scoff sound, like "Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah!" And then works up to an actual cry. She loves her pacifier, which is so funny to watch/listen to her suck on - she looks like a little fishy. She hates to be swaddled, contrary to what the hospital told us to do. The reason is because she likes to self-soothe with her hands, which she can't do when they're tied down in a blanket. So we started swaddling her with her arms free and she was much happier.

She has recently started to smile a little at us, usually in the mornings or after I change her diaper. She's not a fan of bath time either, but loves the time right after when I wrap her up in a towel and cradle her. Her bottom lip will quiver and pout as I comfort her. Our favorite of her expressions is her frowny face.

The pets are very interested and protective of her. Ginger thinks it's her baby and that we're never doing a good enough job raising her. Sometimes she'll chase off the other pets that go near her. So far, we've only lost one pacifier to canine casualties (chewed it up).

She also is really funny right before you feed her. She knows what's about to happen and she gets really excited by munching on her hands and making the E.T. noises. She then proceeds to guzzle her bottle and pass out. She regularly gets the hiccups and sneezes, both of which are precious to see. Her hair is also growing in nicely and is currently light brown but seems to be darkening.

This first month has flown by and we are so thankful for every moment with her. :)

Links to pictures and videos.

Overjoyed and Overwhelmed

I intended to write a blog post last week explaining that we had a change in caseworkers because B had decided to change careers and was sadly leaving our agency. We were sad to see her go because we had specifically requested B to be our caseworker after we met her at the initial orientation and really liked her personality. It's pretty important for us to feel a connection to the person working as our caseworker. Even though we did not want to lose her, we had also enjoyed meeting "I," the caseworker who completed our home visit portion of the home study, so we requested to be placed in I's caseload if possible.

We were happy to hear last week from "I" that she was in fact assigned as our new caseworker. She is so sincere and sweet. She called me just to ask if I had any questions and to tell me that she's looking forward to working with us. She also loved seeing our profile book. "I" informed me that compared to other waiting families, we are more on the open side, so there was a likelihood that our profile might be shown to a tougher background situation soon.

So that was last week.

This past week, I turned 30 on Tuesday. I had a blast celebrating with friends and family over the weekend, and affectionately call myself 30, nerdy, and thriving! "I" even sent me an email on my birthday just to wish me a happy one.

Then came Wednesday, November 19th. Busy day at the office, but got to eat a quick lunch with Michael. Then my phone rang around 2:30 pm. I recognized the area code and actually thought it might be "I" calling.

Sure enough it was. "I" called and asked how I'm doing. I said good and thanked her again for the sweet birthday email. She said, "Well, I have a birthday present for you. On your birthday yesterday, I mailed your profile book to a birth mother with a tougher background."

"But today I have an even bigger birthday present for you: a birth mother saw your online profile and picked you guys to adopt her baby."

I immediately asked her to hold on a second, dialed Michael on my office phone and abruptly said, "Hi...come down here now." I don't think I was even polite enough to say please!

"I" chuckled a little and said it must be nice working close to one another. I agreed. She asked if I call him to my office often, and I said no, so he's probably thinking it's something bad. Michael quickly arrived and shut my door while I put my phone on speaker.

"I" repeated the news...and I think that's when my mind started to shut down because my heart and emotions took over. Because here's what she said next:

"It's a girl and she's due December 16th."



She asked if we wanted to hear about the birth mother.

Of course!

So "I" told us the details she knew at the time: 17 years old, senior in high school, also lives in Texas, is very certain about adoption because she recognizes she is not prepared to parent and has goals/dreams she hopes to achieve. She said the birth mother waited a while to tell her parents because she was afraid of how they would react, but finally told them in early November. Since that time, the birth mother has been receiving pre-natal care.

She told us that the birth mother's parents were really supportive when she finally told them. And that the birth father and his family are also supportive of this adoption plan.

And here is where it begins to be a complete and obvious God-thing.

"I" told us that apparently the birth mother's mom, who was trying to show her support of the adoption decision, started searching online profiles.

On Tuesday - my birthday - she came across our online profile at ParentProfiles and as "I" said, "fell in love with us." She then showed our profile to her daughter (the birth mother) and she too fell in love with us.

Late Tuesday night, the birth mother called our agency and told them she wasn't interested in seeing anyone else's profile - she wants us to adopt her baby.

If you're not crying yet, grab a tissue in case this next part sends you over the edge.

"I" told us that one of the main reasons the birth mother's mom thought her daughter might like us is because the birth mother considers herself a "die-hard vegetarian" and loved that we are so passionate about that too.

You guys, the fact that we eat a plant-based diet was something we felt hesitant about stating in our profile because we feared no birth mother would want to pick us crazy leaf-eating hippies. Isn't that just so like God, to take something we're insecure about and reassure us that His love knows no bounds? And to think, we never would have been open to eating a plant-based diet had it not been for our struggles with infertility. I started weeping after "I" told us that part.

Furthermore, all along we have desired - but not expected - to end up in a situation where we might be able to pick the baby up directly from the hospital (at the minimum 48 hours after birth) instead of having to wait for placement to be at least 30 days after birth. In the latter situation, they place the baby in a transitional family's home while they wait the statute of limitations for the birth father to possibly appear to claim parental rights.

But in this situation, because the birth father is known, supportive, and cooperating, this will be the situation we have desired - pick up from the hospital.

All along, we have also desired a healthy birth mother who might take good care of herself while pregnant (no drugs or alcohol consumption). We were willing to consider some of the tougher situations where usage was involved, but that is not this situation either - the birth mother has taken great care of herself.

I'd like to just pause for a moment and link to this song that speaks directly to our hearts right now: "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave.





We are speechless and overcome with awe at how intimately God knows our hearts. And beyond that, He so tenderly touches the deepest corners of our hearts in unexpected and unimaginable ways.

This journey was not our original plan. But it has clearly been God's plan all along. It is because, and only because, of our inability to conceive a biological child that we even considered adoption in the first place.

And now there is a brave young lady and a precious baby girl inside her womb that are about to meld with our lives forever.

God's plans may not line up with your plans, and they might contain a fair share of pain and suffering, but I hope you can see from our story that His plans also contain immense joy and grace.

This is an answer to many of our prayers. A 4-year struggle with infertility led to an unexpected surprise of only waiting 3 months to be chosen by a birth mother to adopt her baby.

We are so excited, scared, overjoyed, overwhelmed, and completely awestruck.

In less than 4 weeks, we will become parents! And we're happy to share the name if you ask us, but on the blog I'll just share her initials: EVY - we plan to use that as a nickname anyway. :)

We have enjoyed sharing this joyous news with family and friends and thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support. You have made us feel so secure and encouraged, which is what we needed with all of the emotions and short time line of preparing for a baby. We humbly ask that you continue to pray for us to be prepared, for the birth mother to have a safe and healthy delivery, for God to comfort her heart as she faces the emotions of placing her baby for adoption, and for our little "sweet potato" to feel the abundant love that already exists for her.

Much Love,
Christine

So...Now What?

Many friends and loved ones have been asking for updates on our adoption journey. It usually goes something like this:

Friend: "So...um...how is the adoption...like...going?"

My answers have probably been very underwhelming, but I just want you all to know that we welcome people to ask about our journey. So please don't ever hesitate to ask us about it. :)

With that said, I just want to prepare you for our typical answer when you do ask:

Me: "Good...we're just still waiting..."

That's pretty much all we're going to be doing for a while. And that's okay - we're prepared for that and are very used to waiting. The difference between our current "waiting" and our previous "waiting" is that there is an extremely high chance of a baby at the end of this waiting.

Over the past 4 years with infertility, the waiting was very uncertain with no guarantee whatsoever of a baby through pregnancy. That's what made it so difficult. There was no due date, no deadline, and no approximate timeline. Just the month-to-month cyclical agony of "Maybe?" and then "No."

But with adoption -- especially how God so clearly opened our hearts to even consider adopting in the first place -- we are very confident that a baby is on the way to joining our family. It may take a year or more for that to actually happen, but it feels more like a really lengthy pregnancy than the complete uncertainty that comes with infertility.

So...Now What?

If you are at all unfamiliar with the adoption process (like I once was), I'm happy to share what's been happening with our journey since getting approved.

First, you can see that more than 2 months have passed since we were officially approved. That's crazy to me how fast the time has gone, but in a good way. Our lives have been really busy during that time, but we have made some progress in the adoption process.

After we were approved, our caseworker, B, told us to work on our profiles. It probably varies by agency, but our agency wanted us to create:

1. Printed profile book
2. Agency's website online profile
3. ParentProfiles.com online profile
4. Agency's Facebook page profile (if you are a sneaky super spy and you manage to find our profile on our agency's Facebook page, please do NOT comment or "like" it in any way; we do not want our personal Facebook account with our full names associated with our adoption profile.)

Thank God we had already started working on our printed profile book months ago! It took much more time than either one of us had originally thought. Granted, we are both perfectionists, so we spent a ton of time picking out the most appropriate photos, caption text, and organizing the flow of it. But our efforts clearly paid off because B literally had only four comments. Four! And they were so minor that she said we didn't need to run the final version past her before ordering the printed copies. If you're interested in seeing our printed profile book, you can click here to view it.

For the online profiles, we took a selection of photos from the printed book and used a lot of the same text. Having spent so much time and effort on the printed books made it much easier to build the three online profiles. The hardest part was getting familiar with each online profile builder. Again, I don't want to share the Facebook profile in order to avoid it somehow linking up with our personal account, but here are the links to view our profiles on the agency's website and ParentProfiles.com

Now that we're finished with all of our profiles, we've completed all the steps that we have control over, so we are now waiting for the Lord to finish the rest of this story. Essentially we are waiting for a birth mother (whose situation fits with our level of openness) to view our profile and want to meet us. B said that our printed book will probably be shown around months 6-9 (February-May 2015). They only show a small number of books to a birth mother at a time (so as not to overwhelm her with choices) and they first show families' books that have been waiting longer to be fair. But anyone can view our online profiles and so potentially a birth mother could see our profile and contact our agency before our printed book is ever shown. Again, God is the One in control of this process.

During this time of waiting, our agency requests that we take various courses and continue to become educated about adoption. So far, we have taken a Baby Care Basics class and an Infant CPR class, which was where we met this creepy dummy doll:



We have also joined a support group at our church specifically for families that foster or adopt. It's been wonderful meeting other families who have walked this road ahead of us and can offer some wisdom and perspective.

We're so thankful to each of you that continues to pray for us and support us as we wait for God to deliver our baby into our lives!

SO Worth the Wait

This past weekend was full of joyous celebration as I co-hosted a baby shower for my dear friend, Jocelyn. I met Jocelyn for the first time in August 2011 at NWYM class. I overheard her tearful conversation with someone else in the class that she had been trying to get pregnant for a while and didn't know what else to do. My ears perked up immediately, because my heart was struggling with the same thing.

I boldly introduced myself and shared that I too had been trying to get pregnant for several months (it had not quite been one year for me at the time) and asked if she wanted to be friends. We had an instant connection over such a heartbreaking trial.

I remember the first time we hung out, we shared our background stories and our struggles with infertility. Oh how much we hated measuring our basal body temperatures. (We even joked that hopefully after getting pregnant someday, we'd throw a thermometer burning party.) We shared our frustrations with the insensitive comments and questions from well-meaning people (So, do you have any kids? Oh don't worry, just relax, and it'll happen! Oh I know exactly how you feel - it took us 2 whole months to conceive our third child.) We also shared the bittersweet pain we felt when friends announced their pregnancies, and the feeling that we were left behind, forgotten by God and society even though our hearts longed to be remembered.

In a world that does not talk enough about, let alone understand, infertility and the deep pain it causes, we shared a sisterly bond that will likely last the rest of our lives. We got together regularly for lunch, and then stayed in touch through email and telephone after they moved out of town. We supported one another through all the doctor's appointments, blood test results, two week waits, negative pregnancy tests, and the dreaded periods. We encouraged one another, cried together, laughed together, reminded one another that God has a plan, and always kept hoping that one day our struggles would end with us finally becoming mothers.



The thing about God's plan is that it takes time. Usually much more time than you want or realize.

But the point of waiting, and of suffering, is not what is waiting at the end of the road. It's all the bumps, rocks, and cracks along the way. 

Those sharp rocks hurt like nothing else, but they make you tougher. They teach you to accept your present circumstances but to push onward and not let your circumstances define you.

Those deep cracks that your countless tears fall into make you feel like your prayers go unanswered. That you are alone in the darkness. Uncared for. Forgotten. But when you're in utter darkness, you stand the best chance of seeing the tiniest sparks of Light. You're ears are primed and ready to hear the softest whispers.

It's the journey to what's waiting at the end that makes the waiting worth going through. As Michael so wisely said one time, "The blessing of infertility isn't so much the child at the end, but the trial itself."



Though it is deeply painful, and makes you question everything about yourself and what makes you a woman, infertility is one of the greatest blessings God can give His daughters. Because it always has a purpose. You see it multiple times in the Bible - Sarah, Rachel, Elizabeth, Hannah, Ruth, Rebekah - women who suffered years of waiting to conceive a child. But each child played an integral role in God's plan.

Every story of suffering, every trial, has a purpose. God truly does have a plan, but He will not be rushed. His plan is intricate and perfect and simply has to unfold according to His timing.

So while you're on that bumpy, rocky, crack-filled road...pay attention. Look around and listen for God. There is so much to be learned from Him along the journey. The waiting is not in vain. It's the most important part. And God's plan is SO worth the wait!

God, I thank you so much for answering my prayers for Jocelyn to become pregnant. I thank you for her friendship and the journey you've brought each of us on. You are always and only good, and I look forward to seeing the rest of Your plan unfold.

Misconception

Which of the two orange circles is larger, right or left?

Ready for the correct answer?

You guessed correctly!! Because they are the same size...

Don't believe me? Take out a ruler and measure them on the screen. (Yes, I actually did this!) This is called the Ebbinghaus illusion.

I thought this was a wonderful example of the common misconceptions associated with infertility. I want to focus on two perspectives: from the infertile's and the fertile's points of view.

Infertile
I know you well. You often have thoughts like, "Why is it so much easier for [her] to conceive than me?"

My dear sister, it may feel like everyone else around you could get pregnant from drinking the water while you are carefully planning and timing and tracking and counting and peeing and...well...you get the idea.

But sometimes things are not as they seem. The circle on the right may look bigger, but it's really the same size as the one on the left. Translated for you: it may seem like [she] can conceive so much easier than you, but it's simply not true.

You have a misconception about this. You are allowing yourself to be fooled into believing the lie that Satan works very hard at getting you to believe.

Because the truth is, [she] has no higher odds of conceiving than you do. Yes, really. Why? Because God is the one and ONLY ONE who decides when a life will begin. No matter what [she] says, no matter who [she] gives the credit to, no matter how many kids [they] have already, no matter how little [they] were trying to conceive...the one and ONLY reason [she] conceived at all was purely because God said it was to be so.

On the flip side, the one and ONLY reason you have not yet conceived [or birthed a baby] is because God says it is not yet the time for it to be so. No matter what doctors have told you, no matter how messed up your cycles are, no matter how many years you've been trying...the only reason you are still waiting is because God's plan is still yet to unfold in your life.

That levels the playing field. You should no longer feel inferior to [her]. You should no longer compare yourself to [her]. Your journeys are obviously very different, but your odds are exactly the same: 100%. It is a guarantee, a certainty that God's plan will unfold in each of your lives. It will happen in different ways, at different times, and with different endings, but it WILL happen.

So go "all in". Bet big. Put all your cards on the table before God. Pray without ceasing. Keep asking Him for guidance. Keep crying out to Him for help and strength and comfort. Keep the proper perspective about your situation and remember that you are loved and not forgotten. You are NOT the smaller circle.

Fertile
Please remember to give credit where it is due. Just as the infertile is fooled into believing they are inferior to you, you can easily be fooled into believing that you played a bigger role in the conception of your child than you really did.

So my plea with you is to use caution with how you speak about your fertility. Always try to choose humility over pride. It may not be so easy the next time you try to conceive. Secondary infertility is a real thing for many women. They often find themselves frustrated and confused, realizing that they took for granted their apparent fertility the first time around.

Just remember that it is God and God alone who gives children to parents. You have been blessed with a precious gift, and He calls you to honor Him with it and give Him the credit for it (Psalm 127:3).

If you already know the two circles are the same size, then I thank God for your awareness of this and for your sensitivity to the infertiles' hearts. Your understanding is invaluable to us.



In summary, we are all made in the image of God. We are all fallen creatures. We are all at the mercy of our Lord's plan for our lives. Our stories will be different, our prayers will be answered in different ways and at different times. We must not compare one journey to the next. We must not think of our journey as superior or inferior to another's. Those comparisons lead only to shame.

Philippians 2:1-11
1 Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Hopeful Mother's Day

Mother's Day. A day to celebrate mothers. But how exactly do you define a mother?

In a church service, Mother's Day usually includes a special "Standing of the Mothers Ceremony." It's not normally called such a prestigious title, but for some women, that's exactly how it feels. Sometimes small gifts or roses are given to those who stand. The picture above shows a church crowd on Mother's Day, where the mothers were asked to stand. I don't know why some men are also standing...but notice that there are some women who are still seated.

This very special day can be very complicated. Is a mother strictly a woman who has born a child? What about adoptive moms? What about women who bore a child that died in its infancy? What about a woman who had a stillbirth? Miscarriage? Pregnant? Infertile? What about single women who desperately long to get married and have children?

This public event at church - that I'm sure has very good intentions to honor mothers - at the same time dishonors and isolates women in these complicated classifications. To stand or not to stand, that really is the question.

I long to be a mother, but it's not the appointed time for me yet. But my heart already acts like a mother's heart. My heart is already so full of love for my children, and I haven't even met them yet. Does that mean I'm "worthy" of standing? I have five furry children...does that count? Have I earned my mother's badge?

I love that there's a special day to celebrate mothers, I just wish that we could honor mothers without isolating non-mothers. This blog post addresses this issue very well.

So what to do, what to do?

Moms Already
You are so blessed. Psalm 127:3 says, "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward." Please be considerate of other women around you who may be deeply hurting on this day. Don't be afraid to reach out to those women and encourage them, pray for them, and love them. And please think twice before you utter a complaint about being tired, frustrated, spit up on, etc. Learn to better appreciate the blessings you have been given. You are richly blessed, so have a heart of joy and thankfulness.

Wanna Be Moms
This day will be hard for you. Brace yourself, it comes every year. You should decide for yourself how you will handle this day. We personally choose to skip church on this day, because our church congregation still does the Standing of the Mothers Ceremony. And there is nothing more awkward and painful for me than sitting in a room full of women who have the honor of standing, where all I long to do is have the credentials necessary to stand. I literally have dreams about being in a room full of pregnant women/mothers. It's isolating and painful, so I choose to avoid this day to protect my heart.

But don't let this day be a day of darkness for you. You may not have a physical (human) child yet, but you will one day. Each new day you wake up, you are one day closer to meeting your child. So stay strong in the Lord. Worship Him for His goodness. His plan is perfect and beautiful. Pray for strength, comfort, and peace to wait patiently for His plan to unfold. Treasure this time with your husband, and celebrate the day as a day of Hopeful Mother's Day.

Church Body, Pastors, and Congregation
Know that the church body is composed of sinners. This means that the black and white mother/non-mother descriptors are a thing of the past. So let's just celebrate and honor the mothers we know personally, rather than having a formal Standing of the Mothers Ceremony. Mothers should be honored, but not in the way that is done in many churches today. So reach out to the mothers you know and tell them how much you appreciate them. Encourage and uplift them. And also be aware of the more complicated situations, like adoptive, infertile, and former parents. There is much suffering in the church body, and we should all seek to uplift and love on those who suffer. Let compassion be your motto.

Happy Hopeful Mother's Day!!

Jealousy - Green Is Not My Best Color

I have struggled with jealousy for all my life. Blame it on being an only child, or simply the fact that I'm a regular, sinful, selfish human being...often times my first response to someone who has something that I want but don't have is a response of jealousy. This especially became a foothold for me when we first began struggling with infertility. It took every ounce of strength I possessed to not dwell on thoughts like this (and I often failed, allowing myself to stew in jealousy):

Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?
She's so ungrateful for being pregnant by complaining so often, it just makes me sick.
I bet I would handle that so much better than her.
It's so unfair that teenagers get pregnant all the time after "just once", yet I can't get pregnant at all!

And on and on...turning greener and greener by the minute.

As I learned to depend on the Lord, and give everything about this journey to Him, submitting to His and only His plan, it became easier for me to reject thoughts of jealousy. I still face many temptations to be jealous about others' pregnancies and children, but the more I focus my attention heavenward, the easier it gets to move past the narrow-focused thought of jealousy.

I still intentionally protect myself by setting boundaries that aid my ability to reject jealousy, such as refusing to attend all baby showers or visit newborns and new parents. I do this in the same way that a man who struggles with sexual purity might set a boundary by installing protective computer software or avoid seeing a movie with sexual content. It's only prudent to set yourself up for success rather than willingly entering a situation you know will lead you into temptation and struggle. But the greatest recipe for success is keeping your gaze focused on the Lord, pursuing Him actively.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Sarah's Laughter devotional below is a wonderful example of how jealousy, especially in the midst of infertility, can lead you away from the dream you so desperately long for. We infertile women must be extra cautious about the condition of our hearts. We must make every effort to not set ourselves against our husbands and begin a trend of instilling jealousy in our children. It does not mean you are not allowed to feel sadness and grief, but always viewing the world from the perspective of "what I'm not getting" is a selfish and narrow perspective to have. We must fix our eyes on the hope and plan God has for us.

Profile: Rachel April 15, 2013

Rachel was definitely one of us.  She wanted a baby so badly, and it seemed that nothing she tried worked.  There is much we can learn as we examine Rachel’s life.  Just as Hannah gave us examples of how we should strive to handle the heartache of infertility, Rachel gives us a crystal clear look at what pitfalls we need to avoid as best we can. Jealousy was a major chapter in Rachel’s infertility story.  Undoubtedly, the most painful reminder of her infertility was her sister.  Her sister who lived in her own house.  Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant.  Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant by Rachel’s husband.  I know it’s tough to be infertile in 2013, but most of us don’t have pregnant siblings living with us who are carrying our spouse’s child!  Ugh! Jealousy was such a factor in Rachel’s heart that it is one of the themes that Scripture shares with us about her life.  She was so jealous of her sister that it tainted everything she did, everything she said, and even played a role in the naming of her children that God did eventually grant her.  Rachel’s jealousy didn’t go away when her children were born.  It colored her parenting and even affected her children throughout their adult lives. All of us feel a twinge of jealousy when we see a pregnant woman or hear someone our age announce their third pregnancy.  Sometimes it’s more than a twinge!  Ask God to help you with this hurtful emotion when jealousy begins to rear its ugly head.  Don’t let your infertility story be written by jealousy’s hand. There is no doubt that Rachel was consumed by baby hunger.  She was also consumed by rage.  She was so angry that she couldn’t conceive and her anger spilled over into her relationships.  In Genesis 30:1, we see her snipping at her husband.  Chances are, it wasn’t the first argument they’d ever had regarding her inability to conceive.  “Give me children, or else I die!”  What was her husband, Jacob’s response?  Then Jacob’s anger burned against Rachel...(Genesis 30:2).  No wiping her tears.  No strong shoulder to lean on.  Rachel’s accusations lit a fire in her husband’s heart. (Remember Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”)  How many times could she lash out at Jacob without expecting him to reciprocate?  Chance are, he was doing everything he could possibly do to help her get pregnant.   Learn from Rachel’s mistakes.  How different would her life have been if she had found a way to harness jealousy and rage?  How much lighter would the burden of infertility have been had she not had to simultaneously struggle with broken relationships and hurt feelings? No one says it’s easy.  No one expects you to get through this season of your life with the total absence of anger or jealousy.  After all, you are a human being, you know.  But keep an honest eye on yourself and on your heart.  Don’t let Satan get a stronghold in your life as he tries to wrap your heart in anger and jealousy.

Hindsight Series, Part 4: Sonia

Our last story is told by Sonia. Sonia and Cameron have been married for almost 12 years, where a third of that time was spent waiting for the Lord to bless them with a child. Please enjoy Sonia's story below. Thank you, Sonia, for taking the time to contribute!

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Sonia's Story

1. Please share your story/background briefly (about your journey of infertility and how it ended, where you are now)

Cameron and I tried, prayed, and trusted God for 4 years to get pregnant. We had all sorts of tests done, saw doctors & specialists, did 3 IUIs, I was treated by a Chinese acupuncturist & a Russian naturopath, took herbal fertility supplements, and were prayed over at a faith healing center by some friends. While I had different issues affecting my fertility, i.e. endometriosis & luteal phase defect, doctors never gave us definitive reasons as to why we couldn’t conceive. After 4 long years while taking a break from seeking treatment, to our surprise we were pregnant! God made the impossible, possible. Praise God! He first blessed us with our son, Lincoln (now 2.5 years old) and 10 months later, we got pregnant with our daughter, Naomi (now 1 year old).

2. Looking back, how was God at work during your time of waiting for children?

I think that God was maturing us. With Cameron, when we began trying to get pregnant, he wanted to have children, but it wasn’t a really strong desire. After a couple of years of trying, I feel that he began to really want to have children and become a father. With me, I feel like God drew me closer to Himself during that time of waiting. While reading through the Bible and in prayer, over and over God laid things on my heart. He impressed upon me that nothing was too difficult for Him, that He was right there with me on this journey, and that He loves me. I experienced a beautiful intimacy with the Lord unlike I ever had before. Suffering and waiting for a child is what brought me to my knees before my Savior. While the waiting was painful and harsh at times, there was a sweetness to it knowing that God was with me, right by my side, and that He would get me through it. Were there times when I lost hope that I would ever get pregnant? Yes. Often I rode on the hopes of others and my hope in God that He could do a miracle.

3. Looking back, what would you describe as the purpose for you having to wait for children? In other words, what do you think was the reason(s) you had to wait?

I feel like there were several reasons that I know of as to why I had to wait and the purpose behind it. Of course, I also realize that there were other reasons that I’m not aware of and that I may never know or understand. My role is to be faithful to Him and trust that He loves me, He works all things together for my good, and that He is in control. He is the author and sustainer of life. I had to learn to put my hope in Him, not in my doctor, upcoming procedure, or anything that I was doing. God wanted to use the time of waiting to grow and mature me. In the Bible, James 1:2-4 says that God uses hard times to develop perseverance. Perseverance helps us to mature. In Romans 5:3-4 it says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope.

Another reason I think I had to wait was to give me compassion and sympathy for others going through infertility and other struggles. I was clueless about infertility before we journeyed through it. Looking back now I’m reminded about a few of the insensitive comments and questions I said to others. And those are only the ones I remember. I’m sure there were more. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God “comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”. How beautiful is that? He comforts us and we comfort others out of the comfort we’ve received from Him. Infertility has definitely helped me to better be able to comfort others and walk with them.

4. What was the biggest lesson(s) you learned through your journey?

God’s character is never on trial. His character does not change whether it’s smooth sailing or I’m going through hard times. My circumstances do not dictate His character, His nature and who He is. Also, I’m not in control. I never was and I never will be. I thought I was in control of my life as I enjoy setting goals and planning. Infertility helped me to see that no matter how hard we tried, or what our doctors did, God is in control of my life. He is the author and sustainer of life. I believed before that in most things if you try hard enough, set your mind to something, you could accomplish anything. This is not the case with the miracle of life. It’s just that. It’s truly a miracle and God has to act.

5. What helped you endure the time of waiting?

Endure is the right word as it was such a challenging rollercoaster ride! For me it was spending time reading through the Bible and in prayer, journaling, seeing a counselor, meeting with other friends going through infertility, having family & friends pray for me and knowing that I wasn’t forgotten. Also important was allowing myself to grieve, but to not stay stuck in the grief. So I would have a good cry when I needed to and then I would ask for God’s help to endure. As a couple we continued to live life and do fun things like travel and visit friends. It was also critical to not compare myself to others. Comparison robs you of joy. So I made it my goal to keep my eyes on Jesus and to not shift my focus onto who all was pregnant or having babies.

6. If you could go back and tell your past self something -- the past self who is in the midst of waiting -- what would you say?

As you suffer, suffer well. God is going to redeem the time and turn the suffering into something beautiful if you let Him. It will be more beautiful than you could ever imagine. This is really hard, but you’re going to get through this and come out on the other side. Put your hope in Him, trust Him, lean on Him and the family and friends supporting you.

7. Is there anything else you'd like to share?

A friend of mine, Heather, once told me in the midst of waiting that God has in mind a certain time for my child to be born. God wants him to befriend certain people and influence those around him. I have seen that come true. God has given me some beautiful friendships through my son. There is a bigger plan at work around us. Allow God to do His work and you won’t be disappointed. You will be amazed!

Previous: Part 3: Jenny's Story
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Hindsight Series, Part 3: Jenny

Our next story belongs to Jenny. Jenny and Kyle now have three beautiful children and maintain their own blog called A Chosen Child. Thank you, Jenny, for taking the time to contribute to this series. I hope you all enjoy her story as much as I do.

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Jenny's Story

When I think about my story of becoming a mother, I think about adoption. About God teaching me that He loves me so crazy much that He would come down to this place, make a way into my life and choose me, for some reason I'll never figure out He chose to adopt me as His daughter. I think about how somewhere along the way He began to teach me that He wanted me to love someone so crazy much that I would find a way into their life, that I would cross over countries, and fears, and obstacles, and make them mine. I often forget that He started that journey for me years before I knew what was happening, that He used us waiting to conceive to show us that there are other ways to build a family.

We waited 14 months to become pregnant with Kylynn. At the time it seemed forever, it seemed like it would never happen, at the time it was all the reason I needed to believe every lie Satan tried to feed me. But somewhere in the midst of it all I looked at Kyle and said, "What if this never happens, what if we can't get pregnant?" and without missing a beat he said, "Then we'll adopt." It was simple for him and even though my mind was raging with BUT...I allowed myself to cling to his simplicity and say, "Okay."

We never saw a doctor, I'm a scaredy cat when it comes to doctors, but after about a year I decided that even though we weren't interested in most medical interventions, we should at least consult a doctor. So I made an appointment. They couldn't see me for a couple of months, October 5th was their earliest date. On October 5th, I heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time, I was six weeks pregnant. It was one of the happiest days of my life, we celebrated at Sonic, we called family, we rejoiced, and I quickly put to bed the idea that our family would consist of anything but little Kyle/Jenny clones.

But before I knew it Kylynn was 11 months old and it was time to talk about having more children. God had done something quietly, steadily in Kyle's heart during those months and he had decided that one: he only wanted two children, and two: it was important to him that we adopt at some point and so that some point had to be now.

I did not feel the same, I mean adoption is a nice thing and sure I wanted to (maybe/probably) do it someday, but let's do that once we are done having biological children. But God gave me a peace about what Kyle wanted to do and I was able to say yes to his plan. This was the first time in my life I can remember simply obeying God, even though I didn't like it, I was finally learning to let go. At that time if you would have told me I would never give birth/nurse another baby I would have been heartbroken, God took me to where I am today slowly. I began to pray during Jack's adoption that God would remove every one of my own desires in regards to children from my heart and replace them with His desire for children in our family. He was so faithful with that prayer, which I prayed daily for months and clung to desperately. Our third child, also adopted, is testimony to how He changed the desires of my heart, it made everything in our journey easier.

It's funny how hard it is to remember that time of waiting on children, they surround me today and overwhelm me, and sometimes they even remind me to bend low in awe of His goodness and the abundance of blessings in my life. But what I learned while we waited for Kylynn and for Jack and Chloe -   adoption requires a lot of waiting :)   - was that I want more than anything for His will to be done in my life. He is using this journey to teach me that He is truly good, that He can be trusted, it has caused me to want to choose His plan (scary and painful as it may seem at the time) every time. It taught me that it's only in trials and pain that we can grow and strange as it may seem that there can be such sweet joy in the midst of deep sorrow, there is nothing quite like being tended to by the great Comforter.

Waiting, on anything, is painful. Waiting to become a mother is perhaps one of the most painful times. All my children came to me through a journey, all of them required a great deal of waiting on the Lord. If I could go back in time to the woman I was as I waited on Kylynn, I would want to introduce her to the woman I became while I waited on Jack. I would encourage her to use that time to draw nearer and nearer to our God, to allow herself to be stretched, to be changed, to rejoice in the midst of pain. I would press down on her that God's promises are true and He can be trusted.

"This God-his way is perfect;

the word of the Lord proves true;

he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

For who is God, but the Lord?

And who is a rock, except our God?-

the God who equipped me with strength

and made my way blameless."

Psalms 18:30-32

Previous: Part 2: Charissa's Story
Next: Part 4: Sonia's Story
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Hindsight Series, Part 2: Charissa

Our next story belongs to Charissa. Charissa and John had a lengthy journey of waiting on the Lord, but now have three beautiful daughters. They also have their own blog called Highs and Ludlows. Thank you, Charissa, for taking the time to contribute to this series. I hope you all enjoy her story.

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Charissa's Story

1. Please share your story/background briefly (about your journey of infertility and how it ended, where you are now)

John and I were married for 4 years when we just felt it was a good time to start trying for a family. We ended up trying for 3 1/2 years before i got pregnant. My mom got pregnant very easily and I just never had infertility on my radar. I didn't know anyone who had had a hard time trying to conceive personally. Sure I heard stories and prayed for people's prayer requests, but it wasn't really real until it happened to me.

We tried for the year that they suggest to you before you do anything, and nothing. So we both went in for tests and my doctor was not really concerned at that point. I felt that it was a lot of tests, just for them to say, 'eh'. We decided to pursue medical intervention through IUI. My doctor really only recommended three rounds and this what we did for 3 months. Scheduling, shots, and tears were normal during this time. We took a break for a few months and then tried one more IUI round.

The day I got my period and not a pregnancy was the day we also got a call that John's younger sister had gotten pregnant on her wedding night. We called a counselor the next day. It wasn't that I didn't want her to have a baby, it just was supposed to happen to me first! Going to a counselor was one of the best decisions that John and I have made as a married couple. We discussed our families and how we viewed God, and the loss of not being able to have a baby.

We also felt like we were ready for the next step of IVF. I read in one of the many infertility books that sometimes couples can go broke trying for just "one more time", and that it was good to have a limit on what you were willing to do before you started. So we set a limit of one.

It was during this time that I heard our pastor's wife share her personal story of infertility at a women's event. I came blubbering afterwards to talk to her and we met a few months later with a group of others who had struggled with infertility. I was surprised at who all showed up. Couples I knew in passing showed up. Couples who already had babies were there. And I remember bitterly thinking, "They have their babies, why do they struggle anymore?"

God was so gracious during this time. He showed me how much he did love me and cried with me each disappointing month after disappointing month. We used the same doctor as the pastor and his wife, which was unfortunately 2 hours away! John and I used that time to pray, talk, and discuss life. We transplanted two embryos but unfortunately lost one of the babies in month 2.

Gianna Joy was born 6 weeks early in an emergency C-section as she was breech! But God was faithful and our baby girl came home with only 8 days in the hospital. Fast forward 18 months later and we found ourselves going through IVF again. John had amazing insurance that covered IVF, and he was laid off but could still be on COBRA. We had no frozen eggs so we repeated every shot, every pill, and every blood check again! On the day of our retrieval, we had to be relocated for our procedure to Dallas, as our doctor's office was in the direct path of Hurricane Ike. God spared us and this time two embryos are our twins Elizabeth and Cosette. Currently we are days away from Gianna's 6th birthday and Elizabeth and Cosette are 3 1/2.

2. Looking back, how was God at work during your time of waiting for children?

I would say that God used my time of waiting to let me really see how good He is. Even when things were hard - that He still cared for me and my needs, that He cried and held my dreams dear. That He loved me no matter what, and that I needed to love Him no matter what too.

3. Looking back, what would you describe as the purpose for you having to wait for children? In other words, what do you think was the reason(s) you had to wait?

I wish I knew! All I know is that it was totally His timing. Maybe it was so I would be able to identify with so many women and share how a void worked in my life. Maybe it was to bring about greater dependency on Him, or maybe it was just so I could remember when other things have been hard - that I survived and He helped me with the pain once as He will do again.

4. What was the biggest lesson(s) you learned through your journey?

That God is good no matter what.

5. What helped you endure the time of waiting?

Having my husband be in the same place of desperation and longing and dependence on God as I was. We were partners and prayed so so much together. It also helped to have friends that had been through infertility praying for me. And honestly, going to counseling really helped me identify some sin patterns and areas I needed to trust God in, that I don't think I would have ever discovered if not for going through infertility.

6. If you could go back and tell your past self something -- the past self who is in the midst of waiting -- what would you say?

Your life may not ever end up being the daydreams you had in your mind. But God is still good, and you are loved. Time will ease this pain and memory.

7. What were your thoughts/feelings about IVF prior to trying for a family, and how did your struggle affect those feelings?

Ok, honest truth - I judged people who had IVF. I wondered about all that science stuff and if it was really "God's plan." I thought that twins from IVF weren't "real" and somehow cheated. So yup, I am a hypocrite. But when faced with my options I no longer cared. I wanted a baby and felt that if other holy women in my life thought it was ok to do, that I just might be ok with it. We prayed and really put up our own limitations prior to ever walking in the doctor's door. We knew where our lines were and what the number and effort we were willing to do for it. I also flat out told family members that we have prayed about our decisions, and shared some of our reasons for them, but that if they had any problems with IVF to keep them to themselves and to just pray for us. I was blown away by the support from many members of all our families. I also struggled with the "what ifs" about having too many fertilized eggs, but I never had any extra to spare that were of the quality to be frozen. In fact when we decided to do IVF again because of insurance, I had to start completely over with every shot and pill again. God was gracious with us again and the second time we didn't have any eggs that were of the quality to be frozen.

8. Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I truly can't believe how fast time has flown since I cried ugly tears and begged God to give me a baby each and every month. I still pray with a heart that understands when I hear of someone who is struggling with infertility. It's a shared sisterhood of quiet tears. I now know the pain, but I also know God more. Without the struggle, I would have kept God in my box and my plans and my desires. I wouldn't have been able to say my God is good - all the time.

Previous: Part 1: Amanda's Story
Next: Part 3: Jenny's Story
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Hindsight Series, Part 1: Amanda

Our first pair of shoes belongs to Amanda. Amanda and Joey have been married for 5 years, and struggled with infertility for over 3 years before welcoming their daughter, Joni. Please enjoy Amanda's story below. Thank you, Amanda, for taking the time to contribute!

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Amanda's Story

1. Please share your story/background briefly (about your journey of infertility and how it ended, where you are now)

Joey and I surprisingly found out we were pregnant in December of 2008, just a year after we were married. We say surprisingly because we were using birth control at the time, but unfortunately just learned we were expecting right as we were miscarrying. The loss of a baby we weren’t expecting or prepared for affected each of us differently, but profoundly. We decided to stop using birth control in February 2009 and see what the Lord had planned for us. Little did we know that we were what you call “idiopathic infertile” and would have our second miscarriage in January 2010 after trying a round of Clomid, since we had not gotten pregnant since our first loss and wasn’t testing positive for ovulation, followed by our third miscarriage in October 2011 after trying Progesterone cream and regular chiropractic treatments.

Interestingly enough, just two weeks after miscarrying the third time, we became pregnant and got the strongest positive test ever on November 14, 2011. We welcomed our daughter, Joni Elizabeth, into the world with a beautiful natural water birth on July 27, 2012, 1,306 days after the loss of our first precious gift.

To this day, I attribute our fertility success to the use of natural products. Just two months before getting pregnant, Joey and I went on the Maker’s Diet, shedding 20lbs each, and getting my blood sugar in the most level place possible. I researched causes of infertility and natural remedies, taking to a mixture of beliefs. I really focused on diet, knowing that nutrition is key. I gave up gluten, in case I had a gluten sensitivity that could be causing some Celiac disease (causes miscarriages). I also started eating organically and drinking raw milk in an attempt to remove as many preservatives as possible from my diet. We started seeing a Chiropractor as well, who did micronutrient testing on me and put us both on very high quality vitamins. (Highly recommend the micronutrient testing! Call Dr. McCrae at Essential Sport and Wellness in The Woodlands and tell him Amanda told you about this and he’ll order it for you long distance). We found a doctor that 1. Believed we had a problem and didn’t just keep testing my hormones over and over and 2. Who offered affordable solutions that if were unsuccessful, would at least help me feel better as I was. The micronutrient testing showed that I was deficient in a non-essential amino acid that’s only essential during, interestingly enough, DNA replication as it pertains to reproduction. All of our miscarriages were at 5 weeks, which is about when the heart starts beating. My lack of an otherwise useless amino acid was causing our babies to not properly develop to the state of viable pregnancy. God’s design is amazing!

2. Looking back, how was God at work during your time of waiting for children?

I truly think God was wrestling with me in an area I’ve always struggled in -- trusting through everything. I can look back at pivotal moments in my life where there was nothing but disappointment and abandonment. I think God was trying to show me that He blesses us in His timing as it fits according to His plan. I’ve always been in control, or so I thought, as I grew older to try and prevent disappointment from entering my, what I thought was, stable adulthood. Dependence on God is so much more beautiful and freeing than thinking we have everything under control that we don’t need Him. He was trying to show me that He has a plan for me and stop fighting against that plan.

3. Looking back, what would you describe as the purpose for you having to wait for children? In other words, what do you think was the reason(s) you had to wait?

I think I needed to wait for children so that I could really see God working in my life. I think if I would have gotten pregnant so easily, I wouldn’t have been as thankful for my daughter as I am now. It’s so easy to look at things and think, “Look what I did!” God wanted me to say “ALL praise and glory to Him!” I don’t mean that to say I wouldn’t be thankful either, but I think the growth and spiritual maturity that occurs during struggles can be so beautiful in hindsight, and makes us into such better people!

4. What was the biggest lesson(s) you learned through your journey?

I think the biggest lesson I learned was to just trust in the unknown. I think there finally came a point in time where I was so miserable in not being pregnant as I watched 37 (yes, I counted) other couples around us get pregnant and have children throughout our three and a half years of infertility where I just threw my hands up and just cried/screamed “God, I really don’t understand what you’re trying to show me! Could you possibly make it a little clearer, because I don’t think I’m going to figure this one out on my own?!” I had to force myself to listen to KSBJ (which the afternoon show host was pregnant at that time) in hopes I’d hear an inspirational song, read my bible as often as I could and specifically search for passages that would encourage the difficult walk that was laid before me. I learned that trust in the unknown doesn’t mean it’s easy, but rather more so that it takes hard, real, diligent and deliberate work to stay grounded in Christ. Hear me, though, when I say I went off the proverbial deep end before reaching this place, where I was so angry at God and anyone around me that was pregnant, wanting to offer advice, or who wanted to pass judgment upon me for our infertility as if it was a sin that was keeping us from getting pregnant. The enemy is near when we are hurting and wants nothing more than for us to blame God and turn away from Him. I had to learn to cling to Him, even when it was more a choice, rather than an instinct.

5. What helped you endure the time of waiting?

Actively seeking other women/couples that experienced the same thing is what helped the most. Infertility is such a strange beast that I think most people really don’t know how to respond so they end up responding oh so poorly! I had to find people who understood my struggle and who I knew I could feel safe venting/crying/praying with. It’s such an extremely emotional time that there are often times of questioning yourself. How much or how little should I share with people? How should I respond when something unknowingly hurtful is said? Should I feel obligated to go to showers, and will people who don’t understand be mad and not come to my shower later on? My mind would go in crazy places constantly, and knowing I wasn’t alone saved me from crying every time someone asked, "So, do you and your husband want kids?" Something else that someone told me was really helpful. "God wears big boy panties, so He can handle you being angry with Him right now for the hurt you’re feeling, as long as you keep two things in perspective. 1. Be seeking forgiveness for being angry with God and work toward fellowship with Him, even in the midst of your hurt. 2. Don’t forget that He understands your hurt and sent His only Son to die for you."

6. If you could go back and tell your past self something -- the past self who is in the midst of waiting -- what would you say?

God knows you and wants you to be a Mom. It may or may not be your own biological children, but He wouldn’t give you such a strong desire to love another human as a mother and give you such a Godly husband and not let you fulfill that gift in rearing children. Just be patient and learn to fall in love with God during this time.

7. Is there anything else you'd like to share?

I think it’s so extremely important for this topic to be discussed in premarital counseling, to talk about as a couple how they would like to handle things should this come up in their marriage. Infertility is so unexpected, that often times you don’t know how to react to one another, especially if you are lucky enough to get an answer as to why you’re infertile, leaving that party feeling so responsible and blamed. It’s also imperative that you pray about treatment options and only do what you feel comfortable with! Don’t let your emotions cloud your judgment and do something just because a doctor recommended it. Search within yourselves and really think about what treatments line up with your beliefs, what your budget is, what your timeline looks like, etc. Infertility treatment can be so expensive, and the last thing you want is to create financial stress between a husband and wife that are already stressed about infertility when you’re trying to bring a child into a family. Also, remember you became a family when you said, “I do”, not just when a child is introduced. No matter what God has planned, the ultimate goal is for the glory to be given to Him.

Previous: Hindsight Series Introduction
Next: Part 2: Charissa's Story

Hindsight Series

As I previously promised, I will begin blogging tomorrow a 4-part series about hindsight. Each of the 4 posts will feature one woman. But not just any woman...a woman who at one point in her life was right where I am today. Waiting patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) for the Lord to answer her prayers and deepest heart's desire to grow her family. A woman who knows what it feels like to wait on the Lord's perfect timing. A woman who knows what each month's disappointment feels like. A woman who has a scar from all the knife-probing questions and insensitive comments from others. A woman who had her fair share of tears, doubts, fears, and frustrations. A woman who was familiar with years of waiting, doctor's appointments, infertility treatments, or adoption papers.

But the special thing about each woman is that all of the pain and anxiety associated with the struggles above is now over. They are now on the other side. Each woman is now past the chapter of infertility in their lives. Each woman now sees, looking into the eyes of each of her children, that all of the tears and heartache was worth the wait. They now see clearly why God had them wait to receive each child: because God wanted them to receive their specific child, who has a very special purpose.

So beginning tomorrow, and for the next four days, let's allow ourselves to step into the shoes of another. To hear her story, and reap of the wisdom and life lessons that each learned as a result of their struggle. Let's take a sneak peak at the other side.

Part 1: Amanda's Story
Part 2: Charissa's Story
Part 3: Jenny's Story
Part 4: Sonia's Story