October Baby Movie

Here's a trailer for the movie, in case you've never heard of it:

Every Life is Beautiful.

That's the movie's tagline. We watched this movie last week and were moved to tears. For several reasons.

1. It's a reminder that no matter what, you have the power to forgive others for their wrongs. For their choices. But here's the key: you only have that power if you yourself hold the free gift of God's forgiveness through Jesus Christ in your heart. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:32

2. It's a reminder that God has a plan. And even when, from our narrow perspective, His plan includes pain, suffering, and death...there is inevitably beauty and glory to be found in that plan. When a life is lost due to miscarriage, abortion, murder, an accident, illness, suicide, or simply old age, it is a tragedy. It does not escape God's notice. It is within His sovereign plan. There can be joy found in those moments of sorrow. When a life is saved from those tragedies, it's for a purpose. Had a life been successfully aborted, then that life would never have interacted with all the people it eventually did. It's amazing how the chain of events are impacted. In our personal situation, we are beginning to see how God orchestrated every detail in our journey of pursuing to have children. Every moment of sadness, every setback, every disappointment...has led us to the place where we are today. God has used our painful journey to shape us, completely change our hearts about a variety of things, and open our minds to the reality of our health choices. Enough to change our diet and lifestyle forever. Which, in case you didn't know this about us, has now changed how we plan to raise, nurture, and nourish our future children. If we have anything to say about it, our children will not eat meat or dairy. When they are adults, they can make their own choices, but while in our house, they will be given no other choice than to follow our dietary standards because we believe it's what best for them. We can only speculate if God has spared us or our future children of some health-related condition that would have otherwise been developed. He is so good!

3. It's a beautiful story about adoption. Without spoiling too much of the movie, I'll simply say that it's tearjerking to hear stories of fallen, sinful human beings displaying the kind of unconditional love that God showed to us through Jesus. God adopted us horrible creatures as His children. We don't deserve it. We should not be desirable. But God loves us and adopted us anyway. When there is a child who is adopted in the world, it's beautiful. When there's a disabled or impaired child who is adopted, it's so beautiful. God loves us all. We should strive to return that love to all the world.


I highly recommend that you see the movie!

A Life of Uncertainty

A life of uncertainty. That's what I'm facing.

I suppose that's what we're all facing. No one knows what the future holds, except for God. Your life could end at any moment. Your loved ones could be taken from this earth at any moment. We, as human beings, may have control over some things, but there will always remain parts of our lives that we simply cannot control.

If you're a planner, like me, you may find this extremely challenging to accept. It's so incredibly easy to delude yourself into thinking that you maintain more control over your life and future than you actually do. It can be difficult to swallow that moment when you realize this essential truth of life. When you are faced with the choice: to accept it or fight it.

I've been attempting to accept it lately. It's not easy. (Then again, this whole journey has been the furthest thing from easy.) But I'm working on it. Slowly, I'm starting to accept that this is the situation we are in. We are childless. We want children. We pray for children. We hope for children. We hope the Lord will answer our prayers. But we do not know the future. We do not know how long this will last. We do not know what lies ahead, or how this painful journey will end. We simply do not know.

But God does.

This is where hope is conceived. This is where faith is truly tested. This is where I'm daily facing that choice, to accept or fight that God is the One in control of this instead of me.

Some days I fail and choose to fight it. Those days usually end with tears and fits of depression. But on the days I choose to accept it, and better yet, choose to move closer to the One who IS in control, because who better to get close to than the one holding the key to my future, the one who can see the end already, the one who saw the end from the beginning of time? Those days my heart is at peace. My heart and mind are at peace, and I'm okay relinquishing that compulsive need to know everything that is going to happen. That need to have a plan. That need to have an answer. There is freedom in this acceptance.

Music has always been important to me. I would connect so strongly with certain songs based on my emotions and how it related to my life. When I was single, I struggled with singleness. I struggled with depression and hopelessness at my uncertain future. I was terrified that I would never marry. It frightened me to read the Scripture about the gift of singleness, that for some people, it's better to remain single than to marry. At that time of singleness in my life, I was not turning to uplifting music to encourage me through that painful journey. I would listen to whiny, depressing songs. It's no wonder I struggled with depression! You know the saying "you are what you eat"? Well, I say "you are what you listen to".

This time around, throughout my present painful journey, I've been clinging to certain Christian-artist songs. My heart fills so quickly with hope every time I listen to one on my "Encouraging Songs List". I'd like to share my absolute favorite with you right now: Josh Wilson "Before the Morning".



I absolutely love this song. The lyrics speak so deeply into my heart. I hope that if you're reading this and you're facing a future of uncertainty and struggling with that, maybe this song will uplift your heart as well. I've copied and pasted the song lyrics below.

Hope & Peace,
Christine


Josh Wilson - "Before the Morning"

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, and just fight the good fight
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you got to wait for the light
press on, and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

I Would Die For That Song

I saw a friend post this song on Facebook (someone who struggled with infertility, failed IUI's and IVF's for 6 years before having her first child - she's now expecting #3!)

It's a good view of the emotion behind infertility.

A Look at Hollywood

Hang with me here while I give you a little background...

In case you didn't know this about us, we love movies. That may even be an understatement because we have quite the movie collection (approaching 600), and average watching about 5 movies per week. It's just one of our favorite "down time" activities that we enjoy spending together. Because we take our collection seriously, we keep lists of several things:

• Movie Library: Movies we already own
• The Wish List: Movies we want to own
  
• The Tryouts List: Movies that are out in theaters/on video that we'd like to see first (and then decide if it will make the wish list or not)
  
• Piqued Interest List: Movies that are not yet in theaters, but sound appealing (but in order to make it onto the tryouts list, they must pass our "content test," where we make movie-by-movie judgement calls after reading reviews, most often from kids-in-mind.)

I often fill out our Piqued Interest List by looking at upcoming releases on imdb. Well, today I came across a movie that is supposed to be coming to theaters in August 2012 called "The Odd Life of Timothy Green."

Will you judge me if I told you that the TRAILER made me cry? (And don't even get me started on The Vow or October Baby! If you have never heard of October Baby, go watch the trailer here.)




This of course is not a Christian movie, but I love that Hollywood is starting to expose infertility and the painful emotions behind it. Maybe I'm only noticing things like this for the first time, and it's always been this way, but for me it seems that infertility/miscarriages/adoption are taking a more forward seat in movie/tv plots.

Want Examples?

• Facing the Giants, as I previously blogged about
• The character Celia in The Help experienced multiple miscarriages
• Monica and Chandler on Friends were unable to conceive naturally, and eventually adopted
• Sun and Jin on Lost were unable to conceive off the island (as we learned in flashbacks)
• The movie Juno portrayed a teenager who was unexpectedly pregnant and chose to give it up for adoption to a couple who was unable to conceive
• Though we've never seen it, there was a movie Baby Mama about using a surrogate
• The opening story of Up showed that Carl & Ellie couldn't have children
• Dr. Cuddy on House was infertile and adopted a baby, in addition to other episodes that referred to infertility
• Even the movie Dreamer had a twist where the mare, Dreamer was infertile, so they decided to try racing her again (apparently it happens to horses too!)

I'm sure there are others not listed here! And it's not just plots in tv and movies...celebrities themselves are struggling. Of course, they have much higher salaries than most people and can afford to do numerous IVF's, but it's encouraging to me that they share their journey and painful emotions with the public.

Celebrities Who Have Struggled With Infertility:

• Nicole Kidman - used a surrogate to have her second child
• Kirstie Alley - suffered a miscarriage and eventually adopted her two children
• Mariah Carey - suffered miscarriages
• Halle Berry - said she saved nearly 35 negative pregnancy tests before she finally got a positive result
• Sarah Jessica Parker & Matthew Broderick - used a surrogate for their second and third children
• Celine Dion - struggled for 6 years with infertility and then had their first child via IVF. She went through another six rounds of IVF and a miscarriage before having twins next.
• Courtney Cox - I had no idea when I watched her character in Friends that she in reality was battling the real thing. She and David struggled with multiple miscarriages and finally conceived via IVF.
• Brooke Shields - she conceived with IVF but miscarried at 3 months, then went through six more IVFs before having her first child
• Angela Bassett - after 7 years of infertility and a failed IVF, they decided to use a surrogate
• Christie Brinkley - experienced three miscarriages including a failed IVF before having her third child
• Jane Seymour - went through three IVFs with the last being successful
• Emma Thompson - had her first child via IVF and later adopted a child
• Sherri Shepherd - two years of infertility until an IVF worked with twins, but she lost one of the twins via miscarriage
• Barbara Walters - adopted her daughter after suffering three miscarriages and being told that she was infertile
• Sharon Stone - suffered numerous miscarriages and eventually decided to adopt

Always remember that you are not alone. God is ALWAYS with you (Hebrews 13:5)!

Yes Lord, I Would

Last night I had a night to myself while Michael attended a men's Bible study. After some household chores, I decided to watch Facing the Giants, because I knew it would be an encouraging story about infertility. I have seen this movie several times, but not in the past year - the time in which we have been struggling with infertility. Therefore, like the Living Word, this movie spoke to me in such a different way than it ever had before.

One of the first points I could relate to was when Brooke (the wife of the main character) took a home pregnancy test and it was negative, how she felt disappointed and then later told her husband (after he saw the discarded box in the bathroom and asked her about it) that "I want to be pregnant so bad, that my mind plays tricks on me." Oh, how I can relate to that! In the two-week-wait part of my cycle, the slightest "symptom" will not go unnoticed.

Then there was a heart-breaking scene where the main character, Grant, finds out from the doctor that he is sterile or has a low sperm count and that the two of them will likely not have children naturally. It was on the same day that Grant also finds out that he is unwanted as the head football coach, and is left feeling like a complete failure in every way. Grant and Brooke are sitting across from one another at the kitchen table as Grant pours out his heart before his wife about his tough day, and finally tells her that he can't give her the children that she desires. It was so emotional for me, even though it was only a movie - they both cried and tried to tell one another it will be okay, and they both questioned God about what He's doing, where is He.

But then Grant spends the whole night in the Word, seeking after God. When Brooke approaches him in the morning, Grant asks her, "If God never gives us children, would you still love Him?" At the time, she doesn't answer. A few months ago, I was not able to answer either. I was refusing to accept that as a possible outcome of all of this. I was still trying to be in control of my own life.

Later on in the movie, after Grant surrenders his career to God and beautiful changes take place with his team, Brooke's heart is softened too. She also has been experiencing sickness, so she goes to the doctor to see if everything is okay. She is told that she is not pregnant, but instead of letting the despair of the disappointment overcome her, she holds her head high, and goes out to her car, where she tells God that she will still love Him.

Just before driving away, a nurse runs outside and stops her - her test results were mixed up with someone else, and she is pregnant. It was so beautiful watching her reaction to the joyous news. After four years of struggling, the news she had been longing for had finally arrived.

More recently, I finally reached a point where I could answer that question. Yes Lord, I would. If the Lord never blesses me with children, as difficult as that may be to bear, I will still love Him. I will still seek Him. I will still be thankful for all that He HAS blessed me with: a loving husband, a roof over my head, a job, food to eat, clean water to drink, a car to drive, family and friends to love and fellowship with, and five furry children to raise, complete with all their quirkiness. But if someday the Lord does bless me with children, how much more will I have to be thankful for! My cup would overflow!

Lord, please give me patience to wait for You and whatever future You have planned for us. Fill my heart with joy, no matter the outcome!

Thank you all for sharing in this journey with me. Your continued prayer, support, love, and hugs are GREATLY appreciated!

Songs of the Heart

These are a few songs that speak to my heart and encourage me to keep my hope in the Lord and trust in Him for giving me the desires of my heart. Hope you enjoy them!

John Waller - While I'm Waiting


Psalm 5:3, 27:14, 33:20, 37:7, 38:15, 40:1, Isaiah 30:18, Lamentations 3:24

John Waller says: "The explanation for this song is simple, I was waiting on God and I was hurting when I wrote the lyrics. I probably wouldn’t have written a song if my friend, Mike, hadn’t encouraged me to document what I was going through during that time. I’m sure there are few people who can’t relate to this song, but the important thing to remember while we’re waiting on God is to not just wait but to actively wait. Serve, worship and be faithful with what you have, where you are… even while (you) wait."

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I’m waiting
I will serve You
While I’m waiting
I will worship
While I’m waiting
I will not faint
I’ll be running the race
Even while I wait

I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting
I will serve You while I’m waiting
I will worship while I’m waiting on You, Lord


JJ Heller - Your Hands


I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yeah, one day You will set all things right

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands

Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave You

When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands


Chris Tomlin - Our God


Water You turned into wine
Open the eyes of the blind
There's no one like You
None like You
Into the darkness You shining
Out of the ashes we rise
There's no one like You
None like You

CHORUS
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

Into the darkness you shining
Out of the ashes we Rise
There's no One like You
None like You.

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

BRIDGE
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
What can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
And if Our God is for us, then who can ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?
Then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...
Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome and power
Our God, Our God...


Kutless - What Faith Can Do


Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise