Infertility Humor

Just spreading a little holiday cheer...and infertility laughs...Merry Christmas!

HSG Test, a.k.a. The Alien Abduction

Thank you all so much for your prayers on October 4th for my HSG test!!

Question: How did it go?
Answer: Ouch, but good.

HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram. Seeing as how I had to copy and paste that, you can see why everyone prefers to abbreviate it. It's basically an x-ray, coupled with injecting x-ray visible dye to see the shape of the uterus and to check if the fallopian tubes are blocked or open. Thankfully, mine were were open. Praise God!

But as for the "how do they do that"...well, that's more akin to an alien abduction movie. So not that I recommend getting one of these tests for fun, but if you ever have to have one, or are simply curious, here's what my experience was.

First surprise is that these tests are done in radiology (unless you're at a fertility clinic where perhaps they have equipment specifically for this procedure). Then I changed into the toga-gown. Very fashionable. I think it's what they use for women getting a mammogram. Like this:

But mine was blue. So there you go.

Anyway, then they took me into the x-ray room, and I waited there for Dr. H. to arrive. At this point Michael and my mom were allowed to come in and put on their lead aprons. Then I had to lay down on the metal table. Thankfully, the nurse working that room was wonderful. She laid a blanket on the metal table so it wasn't as cold. She also gave me two rolled up rags to squeeze in case I needed to. Oh boy, how handy those came in!

After Dr. H. gathered all the tools she would need, the alien prodding began. Speculum, a.k.a. bird beak. Then I have no idea what tools were used, because I was focused on squeezing every single fiber out of those rolled up rags, and staring at the square-shaped air vent in the ceiling. You know the ones that have concentric squares of smaller and smaller sizes as you move towards the center?

But from reading, I believe Dr. H. did something to hold onto the cervix to allow her to insert a catheter into it. On the other end of the catheter was a syringe with x-ray visible dye. The first time she tried to inject the dye, it wouldn't inject, so she had to re-insert or maybe insert the catheter even farther to allow the dye to be injected. Like I said, I was not aware of anything at that point, just those concentric squares and squeezing those rags. An actual alien could have walked into the room and did a song and dance number and I doubt I would have noticed. In fact at some point, the radiologist was all of a sudden at my side, operating the x-ray machine to take images of my pelvic region as the dye was injected. Being male, normally I'm very shy and paranoid about being modest and ensuring I'm all covered, but by this point I was just wanting. it. to. end. (Plus I knew Michael had my back, lol.)

Apparently whenever the cervix is tampered with, immediate cramping can be triggered. Now obviously I do not know this from experience, but I'm guessing that what I felt was similar to early stages of labor, except that it wasn't letting up until she removed everything. Hence squeezing those rags. Oh and breathing. Slow deep breaths to try to force myself to relax despite the pain. The nurse had wonderful bedside manner, and kept checking on me and rubbing my shoulder and asking if I was okay. Her name was Mary. I love you, Mary!

The procedure part lasted about 10 minutes for me since she had to re-insert the catheter. It probably would have been a bit shorter otherwise. But once she removed everything, I felt much better, with only mild cramping and a feeling of being light-headed. So I remained lying down while Dr. H. showed me the x-ray image and reassured me that everything looked great, both tubes are open.

Sorry I don't have a picture of my uterus, but here's an example of what a "normal" HSG test looks like:

Michael and my mom said it was really neat to watch the x-ray images form a flipbook like video of the dye filling the uterus and going through the tubes and then exiting the tubes in a spiral cloud.

Dr. H. said that having this test can "flush out" my tubes, which can increase our fertility chances this month and told us "don't skip this month". ;)

If I do not get pregnant this month, then next month we plan to begin using a fertility drug.

Thank you again for your prayers and sweet messages on the 4th! Please continue to pray that we would be patient for God's timing, and that He would guide us to the best decision about what steps to take next. Thank you!

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up, People!

Last night Michael and I attended a double-retirement reception in honor of two fellow co-workers. The reception took place in a hotel banquet room, with light appetizer foods and alcoholic beverages for purchase. Lots and lots of employees from our work were there: young, old, middle aged, male, female, new, been around forever...get the idea? Your standard mix of people. Normal people.

But what happens to me?

As I'm standing just behind Michael between a wall and a table, very much out of the way of the highly trafficked middle, I sense that there's someone behind me, so I turn around. It's a middle-aged to older woman, who I later find out also works for our company even though I had never met her before, whose first spoken words to me are: "So, where's the baby???"

*Crickets chirping....to allow the similar moment of shock to hit you like it did me...*

Me: "What baby?"
Crazy Lady: "Your baby!"
Me: "...I don't have a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "You don't have a baby?!"
Me: .....
Crazy Lady: "I'm looking for John's other son..."
Me: "Okay..."
Crazy Lady: "They have a baby."
Me: (Pointing across the room to a young woman holding a baby) "There's a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh, I've already met her, she's John's other son's wife, that I've already met."
Me: "I'm sorry, I cannot help you..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh okay, well I'm [Name Withheld, even though she deserves to have it slandered here], and I work in Administration."

I finish the introduction of myself and Michael, who turned around about the time I pointed to the woman holding the baby, and then turn my back to her.

You just can't make this stuff up.

After again asking Michael if I look pregnant, or like I have a baby attached to the side of my body, I asked him, "Why does this keep happening to me? Seriously, why me? That could have happened to any other young looking woman in the room, why did that happen to me?"

His answer sparked my thinking to remember the truth of Ephesians 6:11-13 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."

His answer was "Because you're struggling."

He is completely right. It's not a simple coincidence that events like above, or like this, or like THIS keep happening to me. Or that similar events happen to my fellow infertile friends. The enemy is using every opportunity he can scrounge up to steal my hope, faith, and joy - to get me to doubt my all-powerful God, and what's most challenging is that all of the enemy's efforts are unseen physically. The enemy is working actively behind the scenes, under the radar, in secret, in disguise, in the darkness, undetected and unrelenting.

Praise the Lord that He has conquered ALL! He has provided each and every person the opportunity to readily prepare for those battles. He freely gave His Son to allow us to have an eternal relationship with Him, to allow His Holy Spirit to live in our hearts to win the final battle no matter how you get there. Furthermore, He has freely given us His everlasting Word, the source of 100% truth, and that has the ability to train us, and teach us to put on the full armor of God. Amen to that!

Master of My Own Bladder

For those that don't recall part of a previous post, I have this psychological battle with myself during the night, nearly every night. I've pasted the section from the previous post here:

You see, on a normal night, I have this psychological issue where if I wake up at all, I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm awake and that I could go pee if I tried. It's not that my bladder is full and that I NEED to go, it's just an awareness that my bladder isn't empty, which therefore makes me obsessed with that fact until I give up trying to go back to sleep and just get up and go. Silly? Yep. Just go back to sleep? I know, right? That does seem logical. Except that when I do that, and really, I have tried several times, I just end up DREAMING about going pee or having to go pee. It's a problem, I know. But at least I admit it...

I'm really not exaggerating how often this happens to me. There are nights when I feel very tired and would much rather just turn over and go back to sleep again instead of getting up to pee, but my mind will not allow it (the epitome of "mind over body" -- just not in a way that's helpful to me).

Well, lately this issue has increased in frequency because I've made a personal goal for myself to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, often times averaging around 75 ounces. It's been great making that a habit because I feel better, and know that it's good for my body. (I recently felt convicted about my need to increase my water intake due to the UTI I blogged about and pulled quad muscles that made me realize how much I took for granted being able to walk, let alone run.) The only downside to drinking so much water is that it means I'm making more trips to the bathroom each day, including at night because it takes some time for it exit my system even after I've stopped drinking at bed time. What used to be getting up once per night is now at least two or three times a night.

We've also been watching The Big Bang Theory for the first time (we bought the first four seasons), and let me tell you, this TV show will have you laughing yourself to tears with nearly every episode. So when I saw this scene in one of the episodes, I burst into laughter because I could so easily relate to that psychological battle about having to pee or not.

Just to set the context for this scene, Sheldon and Leonard's apartment had been robbed that day, and Sheldon was very scared that the burglars might return to finish them off.

The Adventures of Peeing in a Cup

The last time I blogged about this topic, it was in regards to taking a pregnancy test.

I'm...happy?...to say that this time, it is in regards to something else. Gimme a "U"! Gimme a "T"! Gimme a "I"! Put it together, and what do you get? U.T.I.!

Fine print: A U.T.I. may cause a sudden sense of panic when you realize that you've taken three trips to the bathroom in the past hour at work, and that you should probably go ahead and go submit a urine sample in case your nightmare is about to be realized...that you do in fact have a U.T.I. and since the lab closes at 4:30pm, you better leave work early. It may also cause a sense of urgency...not only in the need to urinate, but in your willingness to take any and all medication necessary to stop the BURNING and discomfort. Oh yeah, and a U.T.I. may also cause you to feel like your bladder hates you and has caught on fire, and that the insides of your urethra are lined with gasoline. Warning: Do not mix fire and gasoline.

So at the lab, they give you a cup to submit your urine sample in. They act like it's all discreet, but seriously, I'm pretty sure even a five-year-old is intelligent enough to figure out that a person carrying an empty cup into a bathroom is not trying to get a glass of water.

And they have the little "discreet" secret door in the wall where you leave your fresh sample for some technician to take out from the other side. There is nothing discreet about carrying a cup full of yellow liquid from the bathroom to this secret door.

But my favorite part of this process are the instructions in the bathroom stall:



To sum up the instructions, you must NEVER touch anything that is remotely close to the lid of the specimen container, and you need to have at least three hands to hold everything.

Thankfully, Dr. S. is super awesome, and he called me that same evening and prescribed me some antibiotics which started making me feel better the next morning, so all is well now. :)

Shame

How does being embarrassed about something affect you? For me, my cheeks turn red, little beads of sweat start to form, and I keep analyzing the situation over and over in my head, trying to convince myself that either A) No one saw it, or I will never see those people again in my life, so stop worrying about it; or B) Everyone is clumsy sometimes, so stop worrying about it. Easier said (or thought) than done! I tell myself those things, but my ego still feels embarrassed for a little while.

Since it's Friday, I'll throw in some humor by sharing a personal example. We have started to ride our bikes and take our dogs with us to get a bit more energy out. Since they are quite energetic, we have to take them in separate directions so they don't feed off of one another or compete to see who can go the fastest. You see the sweet, angelic looking German Shepherd to the right? That's Abby, and she's a Mama's girl, so Abby and I usually pair up for these aforementioned bike rides. If we were smart, we'd invest in something like this:


But we haven't. (And by the way, if we did buy such a thing, I don't want to even think of the bike disaster awaiting me. It would probably end up on the evening news for worst bike crash ever!)

So my strategy was (note the past tense, ha ha) to hold the leash loosely with one hand while holding onto the handlebars. We have done this several times successfully, without incident. I guess that's why they say it only takes one time...

Abby and I had just turned around to head back home (I've ridden horses all my life, I should have known better than to let my guard down when heading in the direction of home!) when Abby started to speed up. A lot. Imagine this, with one dog:


With that speed-thirsty look on her face too. Needless to say I, well, became unstable. But instead of just letting go of the leash to regain my balance, for some reason I had it in my mind that the leash was breakable or something because that was the only thing I held onto. (Until I hit the ground and it broke my hold on the leash!) Abby knew immediately when I started to get unstable that she shouldn't have sped up, so when I finally let go of the leash, she sulked back to me and sat down with an "Oops, my bad..." look on her face. Luckily, I was not seriously hurt, just a minor scrape on my shoulder and knee, but the worst injury was my ego. I was really embarrassed at my clumsiness (yet again). Fortunately for my pride, no one saw it. Score!

I bet it would have been quite the sight though. :)

But what about shame? How is shame the same/different than embarrassment? After a quick Google search (Webster who?), embarrassment is defined as a feeling of self-consciousness whereas shame is defined as a painful feeling of humiliation or distress. Shame sounds a bit more serious to me.

So now I'll ask, how does feeling shame affect you? For me, I want to hide. Maybe not physically, but certainly emotionally.

I have learned that there is a lot of shame through infertility. Not that experiencing infertility is a shameful thing, but rather that those in the midst of it tend to feel shame. Why? I think the root of it is the feeling that my body isn't working properly, and so I am tempted to feel ashamed, inadequate, and unworthy. It's a painful feeling, as opposed to feeling embarrassed. After all, weren't women created to bear children?

Yes and no. Yes, our bodies were created with the physical capability to bear children and propagate the earth. But that is not WHY women were created. I know, it's very easy to forget the truth when Satan is pouring buckets of lies into your thought pathway. But here's the truth:

Genesis 2:18
Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."

First, women were created to become a helper to their husband. That means the top priority (after loving and serving the Lord) is to love and help your husband. As I mentioned in yesterday's post, in the moment you decide you want to have children, it's so easy to lose track of your other roles in life. But God does not want you to forsake your husband for your children or future children. Take joy in loving the man God has given you to be your earthly protector, provider, and leader. Even if he is not the best at expressing his feelings about the infertility journey you're on, remember that he's in the midst of this with you. He's struggling with feelings of shame and doubt as well. He just may express or show it in different ways than you (i.e., I doubt you'd find him sobbing on your closet floor in a fetal position...not that I would know what that's like either *wink*)

And don't give into the thoughts of feeling shame about your body and how it does or does not function. We are all fallen creatures, with broken bodies while we are mortal. But take comfort that it will not always be this way.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.

Psalm 139:13-14
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.

God is all-powerful. He made your earthly body and will make your heavenly body. He has the power to heal if He chooses to. On Tuesday nights, we attend a Bible study that has been studying the miracles of Christ, many of which are healings. Michael put the thought out there last Tuesday that he wonders if there were lots of people who were present near Christ who were not healed. Because Christ chose not to. Does that make Christ unfair?

I don't think it's a matter of fairness. Fairness is a result of our sinful nature feeling entitled to receive certain things. It's tough for me to swallow, but I am not entitled to receive my own biological child. No matter how a child enters the world, it's 100% a gift from God. I may never experience pregnancy for myself. We may end up adopting our child and growing our family in that way instead. It's all uncertain, but don't be tempted to think of it in terms of what's fair.

I know it's hard, but you have a choice to make. If God chooses to never heal your physical body to allow for conception and birth of your biological child, will you still love and follow Him? There is no shame in what you're going through. It doesn't make you incomplete or any less of a woman. Believing otherwise is believing in lies. I may never understand why some people go through infertility and never get to experience the joy of having biological children, but it's up to me to choose my attitude about that end result. So what do you choose to believe?

A Little Friday Humor

I've seen these types of photo collections circulating around the internet about various professions, so I decided to make this one for all my fellow infertile friends out there. Enjoy!

The House Always Wins

Do you ever gamble? I grew up playing nickel-ante poker with my family every summer, but now as an adult, I don't enjoy gambling anymore, even in a friendly family game because I'm very risk averse. Why risk losing my coins if I know I'll get to keep them all by not playing? I know, I know...you risk takers respond with the flip side of the coin - pardon my pun - "But you could walk away with even more coins than you started with if you play!" But that's my issue, the word "could." It's not a certainty.

So me being the risk-averse person that I am, did not react well when I first learned some statistical facts about fertility...most specifically, your chances of getting pregnant each month is only 15-25% depending on your age. Seriously!? 15-25% is why you dragged us into same-gender classrooms in middle school and insisted that if you don't use a condom you WILL get pregnant, as if it is a certainty! Of course, I'm fine with that being taught to students because hopefully that will scare enough of them into abstaining or at least using protection, but at some point the truth should be revealed to women that in reality, your odds each month are not that high, even if you are perfectly healthy and fertile. Perhaps when handing out the marriage licenses..."Oh by the way, you should know that your middle school gym teachers were lying to you, you only have a 15-25% chance of conceiving each month...congrats and happy honeymooning!"

And here is another alarming statistic that I don't recall ever being focused on: 7.4% (1 in 13) of married women in the U.S. ages 15-44 are infertile (unable to get pregnant for at least 12 consecutive months). And this figure is from 2002, mind you. That equates to 2.1 million by the way. That's not a small population. That's the population of Houston, TX. Did you know that April 22-28, 2012 is Nation Infertility Awareness Week?

I'm glad that awareness is brought to it because frankly, it's easy for those of us who are the "1" in the group of "13" to feel a bit forgotten about by our fellow sisters. (Whatever happened to Lucky 13?!) Especially when we read statistics like this:

• 25% of all couples become pregnant in their first month of trying
• 60% become pregnant within 6 months
• 75% become pregnant within 9 months
• 80% become pregnant within 12 months
  

It's super easy for me to feel like I just bet all my coins on blackjack, and the house kicked my butt, stole all my money, and ran off laughing. Are you telling me that I'm in a minority of 20%? How did I get to be so "lucky"? God, couldn't you apply that fortune to something like, oh I don't know, the LOTTERY??

But there is some good news, or rather, a light at the end of the tunnel: 90% of couples trying to become pregnant do so within 18 months. Ok, there's still a chance for me there since this is our 15th month to try...

Even better news: You are not alone. You may be a minority of those suffering in silence through infertility, but you are certainly not the only one experiencing that pain. You have a whole 2.1 million women, right now, shedding tears and uttering prayers over the same struggle. And more importantly, you are not alone if you are a believer in Christ.

God says in Joshua 1:5, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

A close friend shared this verse with me today, and I encourage you to take it to heart as well.
2 Chronicles 20:17, "You do not have to fight this battle. Position yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD. He is with you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Tomorrow, go out to face them, for Yahweh is with you."

So tomorrow, wake up with courage knowing that God is by your side, carrying you through this painful trial. He is with you always, with love so abundant that we cannot even comprehend its depth. No matter where your infertility pathway leads, remember that you are not alone.

Outside Looking In

When you struggle with infertility, you often find yourself feeling like you're on the outside looking in. Like you're desperately wanting to be a member of this exclusive club, but they're not accepting new memberships at this time. You can feel stuck, like your life is frozen, not moving forward...or more like the world is passing you by, while you're forced to stay the same. You can also feel like you're running out of time (the biological clock phenomenon).

Parking lot signs like this are no help at all:

(Photo taken at HEB)


Don't get me wrong, being pregnant should entitle you to certain privileges - and Lord willing, someday I hope to receive said privileges, but a parking spot? Really?? Obviously, handicapped parking spaces makes sense. But HEB also has parking spaces next to handicapped for Mothers with Young Children...I think they're pushing the limits a bit there...Now they have this sign. What's next, Reserved for Pet Owners? (At least I qualify for that one!) Reserved for Those Having a Bad Day? Reserved for The Unemployed? Let's not go overboard with parking privileges.

Funny Infertile T-shirts