Overjoyed and Overwhelmed

I intended to write a blog post last week explaining that we had a change in caseworkers because B had decided to change careers and was sadly leaving our agency. We were sad to see her go because we had specifically requested B to be our caseworker after we met her at the initial orientation and really liked her personality. It's pretty important for us to feel a connection to the person working as our caseworker. Even though we did not want to lose her, we had also enjoyed meeting "I," the caseworker who completed our home visit portion of the home study, so we requested to be placed in I's caseload if possible.

We were happy to hear last week from "I" that she was in fact assigned as our new caseworker. She is so sincere and sweet. She called me just to ask if I had any questions and to tell me that she's looking forward to working with us. She also loved seeing our profile book. "I" informed me that compared to other waiting families, we are more on the open side, so there was a likelihood that our profile might be shown to a tougher background situation soon.

So that was last week.

This past week, I turned 30 on Tuesday. I had a blast celebrating with friends and family over the weekend, and affectionately call myself 30, nerdy, and thriving! "I" even sent me an email on my birthday just to wish me a happy one.

Then came Wednesday, November 19th. Busy day at the office, but got to eat a quick lunch with Michael. Then my phone rang around 2:30 pm. I recognized the area code and actually thought it might be "I" calling.

Sure enough it was. "I" called and asked how I'm doing. I said good and thanked her again for the sweet birthday email. She said, "Well, I have a birthday present for you. On your birthday yesterday, I mailed your profile book to a birth mother with a tougher background."

"But today I have an even bigger birthday present for you: a birth mother saw your online profile and picked you guys to adopt her baby."

I immediately asked her to hold on a second, dialed Michael on my office phone and abruptly said, "Hi...come down here now." I don't think I was even polite enough to say please!

"I" chuckled a little and said it must be nice working close to one another. I agreed. She asked if I call him to my office often, and I said no, so he's probably thinking it's something bad. Michael quickly arrived and shut my door while I put my phone on speaker.

"I" repeated the news...and I think that's when my mind started to shut down because my heart and emotions took over. Because here's what she said next:

"It's a girl and she's due December 16th."



She asked if we wanted to hear about the birth mother.

Of course!

So "I" told us the details she knew at the time: 17 years old, senior in high school, also lives in Texas, is very certain about adoption because she recognizes she is not prepared to parent and has goals/dreams she hopes to achieve. She said the birth mother waited a while to tell her parents because she was afraid of how they would react, but finally told them in early November. Since that time, the birth mother has been receiving pre-natal care.

She told us that the birth mother's parents were really supportive when she finally told them. And that the birth father and his family are also supportive of this adoption plan.

And here is where it begins to be a complete and obvious God-thing.

"I" told us that apparently the birth mother's mom, who was trying to show her support of the adoption decision, started searching online profiles.

On Tuesday - my birthday - she came across our online profile at ParentProfiles and as "I" said, "fell in love with us." She then showed our profile to her daughter (the birth mother) and she too fell in love with us.

Late Tuesday night, the birth mother called our agency and told them she wasn't interested in seeing anyone else's profile - she wants us to adopt her baby.

If you're not crying yet, grab a tissue in case this next part sends you over the edge.

"I" told us that one of the main reasons the birth mother's mom thought her daughter might like us is because the birth mother considers herself a "die-hard vegetarian" and loved that we are so passionate about that too.

You guys, the fact that we eat a plant-based diet was something we felt hesitant about stating in our profile because we feared no birth mother would want to pick us crazy leaf-eating hippies. Isn't that just so like God, to take something we're insecure about and reassure us that His love knows no bounds? And to think, we never would have been open to eating a plant-based diet had it not been for our struggles with infertility. I started weeping after "I" told us that part.

Furthermore, all along we have desired - but not expected - to end up in a situation where we might be able to pick the baby up directly from the hospital (at the minimum 48 hours after birth) instead of having to wait for placement to be at least 30 days after birth. In the latter situation, they place the baby in a transitional family's home while they wait the statute of limitations for the birth father to possibly appear to claim parental rights.

But in this situation, because the birth father is known, supportive, and cooperating, this will be the situation we have desired - pick up from the hospital.

All along, we have also desired a healthy birth mother who might take good care of herself while pregnant (no drugs or alcohol consumption). We were willing to consider some of the tougher situations where usage was involved, but that is not this situation either - the birth mother has taken great care of herself.

I'd like to just pause for a moment and link to this song that speaks directly to our hearts right now: "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave.





We are speechless and overcome with awe at how intimately God knows our hearts. And beyond that, He so tenderly touches the deepest corners of our hearts in unexpected and unimaginable ways.

This journey was not our original plan. But it has clearly been God's plan all along. It is because, and only because, of our inability to conceive a biological child that we even considered adoption in the first place.

And now there is a brave young lady and a precious baby girl inside her womb that are about to meld with our lives forever.

God's plans may not line up with your plans, and they might contain a fair share of pain and suffering, but I hope you can see from our story that His plans also contain immense joy and grace.

This is an answer to many of our prayers. A 4-year struggle with infertility led to an unexpected surprise of only waiting 3 months to be chosen by a birth mother to adopt her baby.

We are so excited, scared, overjoyed, overwhelmed, and completely awestruck.

In less than 4 weeks, we will become parents! And we're happy to share the name if you ask us, but on the blog I'll just share her initials: EVY - we plan to use that as a nickname anyway. :)

We have enjoyed sharing this joyous news with family and friends and thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support. You have made us feel so secure and encouraged, which is what we needed with all of the emotions and short time line of preparing for a baby. We humbly ask that you continue to pray for us to be prepared, for the birth mother to have a safe and healthy delivery, for God to comfort her heart as she faces the emotions of placing her baby for adoption, and for our little "sweet potato" to feel the abundant love that already exists for her.

Much Love,
Christine

Wish There Was a Button for That

First, let me apologize for my lengthy break in blogging. Work picked up for me, which meant I had much less free time to blog. But I hope to get back to blogging more regularly, so cross your fingers.

Life is full of joy, but also challenges. For those that experience the suffering of infertility, you can find yourself riding a roller coaster of emotions over a period of several years. My journey being no exception, I have had moments of solid trust and faith that God is in control and I'm 100% okay with that, and then seemingly the very next day will have a moment of complete despair and hopelessness.

Doubting is a part of life, as much as anything else (joy/bitterness, happiness/sadness, dancing/mourning). To be human, is to be filled with doubts. In those moments of despair and heavy doubts, I often wish I could simply escape it.

We have this button at work. Once the building is locked after work hours, you have to press this button in order to open the door.

In those moments of doubt and despair, I wish there was this sort of button for my life. With a simple push of a button, I could escape the pain and suffering of waiting for an unknown period of time for a child. It would be so much easier if I had a button like this to push in times of despair. It would be so easy to skip over this difficult part of my life.

But I think that's God's point of this, and any, trial. He doesn't want me to skip over this difficult part of my life.

He wants to share in this suffering with me. He wants to hold me and comfort me and listen to my every cry and catch my every tear. He wants to teach me what it means to persevere. He wants to teach me what it means to have unfailing faith, even when it makes logical sense to give it up. He wants to write a beautiful story leading us to parenthood, and to the specific children He has chosen for us, but He needs me to learn that time and events must fall into proper place for that story to unfold.

So it may be easy to have a button like this for your life when it gets tough, but skipping over the hard parts of life will not help you in the long run. You will miss out on so many character-building, faith-building, and relationship-building moments if you do. And trust me, those moments are worth experiencing.

I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you, but try not to skip over the difficult parts of life. Instead look for God in those moments. Look for the ways that God is working, or the ways that He has blessed you. Sometimes you have to look really, really, really closely, but it is always there, somewhere.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Even Though Now For A Little While

 

photo credit

1 Peter 1:3-9
3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.

I love this passage for several reasons. First, when I accepted Christ, I became a new person once and for all eternity. That means sin is no longer my master. When I mess up, fail, give into temptations…I’m forgiven because Christ stands before me, protecting me from the fate I deserve, and gives me a pass to be with Him for all eternity. Such grace. Such humbling, beautiful grace. Truly an undeserved favor.

Second, Peter says we have a living hope. This comforts me so much when I struggle with anxious thoughts of the unknown future of infertility. My hope is not in vain. It is alive because Christ lives in me. But like a living being, that hope must be nourished and properly cared for, otherwise it might shrink into a state of dis-health. When I allow depression and the enemy to dominate my thought life, my living hope is injured and sickly. I need to nourish it with food and water in the form of choosing hope over hopelessness. By spending time with my Father and His Word instead of dwelling on my own thoughts, fears, and worries.

Third, I’m protected by the power of God. That’s so huge and important to remember! When fears and worries begin to overtake me…when the enemy is whispering lies of shame in my ear, my God is ready and available to protect me. I need to turn to Him in those moments of weakness. He wants me to turn to Him in moments of weakness.

Fourth, Peter says that the various trials the people are being distressed by are for a little while. It is so incredibly easy to feel overwhelmed by infertility and to feel like I’m trapped in this chapter of life. Like it will last forever, I’ll never become a mother, woe to me. But that’s not true. Like any trial, it has been, is, and will always be temporary. A season. A chapter. It must have a beginning (December 2010) and therefore MUST have an END! For a little while. The “little while” may feel like an eternity to my earthly-bound state, but to God, it’s but a blip in the grand timeline He’s orchestrated. I just need to trust Him and do everything I can to be patient for His timing.

Fifth, Peter says that the purpose of our trials is to demonstrate the proof of your faith. He says trials should result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. This relates to how I am called to respond in the midst of suffering and trials. The purpose of my suffering is to show the greatness of God, not the vastness of my self-pity. I am called to respond with hope and joy when it’s illogical to other people. When the world says it’s time to give up, there’s no chance, etc…I should remain hopeful and joyful. Even when I’m hurting, God is still worthy of my praise. And I truly do have so much to praise Him for!

I love how verse 9 ends with you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible. Not just a little joy, but inexpressible joy. Greatly rejoice. So much joy you cannot describe with words how much! That’s a lot of joy, and if I truly focus on all that God has blessed me with – even while facing the pain and suffering of a trial – I find it easy to have joy. My eyes see that I am so richly blessed already. Even though now for a little while I am hurting. Be joyful. Inexpressibly joyful.

The Three C's

When you face a trial, a natural tendency is to blame yourself or feel guilty for getting yourself into the trial. With infertility, it's common to think thoughts like:

If I hadn't taken birth control pills for all those years, would I still have difficulty conceiving?
What did I do wrong to deserve this pain and suffering?
What more could I have done this past month to better track my cycle or time intercourse?
Why can't I do what so many other women are able to do with seemingly no effort?
What's wrong with me?
Why am I broken?

I could go on listing similar questions, but hopefully you get the idea. It's common to worry and dwell on thoughts like that.

But let's get one thing straight: infertility is NOT your fault.

You must accept the fact that there will always be certain aspects of life that are out of your control. And infertility is simply one of those things you can't control, so don't blame yourself for it.

Life is made up of choices, consequences, and circumstances. The three C's.

Choices
You have the freedom to make certain choices in life. With infertility, you can choose how much or how little you want to track your cycles, pursue medical intervention, be available for intercourse (but you only have control over your half of that equation; your husband has control over his half and you have to accept that it takes two to tango). This is the only thing you have control over, so I encourage you to pray for wisdom as you take time to decide on choices in your life.

Consequences
You have control over the choices you make. You do not have control over some of the consequences of your choices. Your choices will naturally lead to consequences. Tracking your cycles excessively may result in feelings of empowerment, knowing how your body is behaving...but it may also bring added stress because you're focused on your cycle day in and day out. Pursuing medical interventions will certainly have consequences on your body, your health, your future health (increased risk of cancer, for example), your relationships, and schedule. Ask any woman who has been through IVF procedures, and she will tell you how involved and expensive the process is. Likewise, not pursuing medical interventions may lead to feelings of fear, like "What if I'm not doing everything I could be doing to get pregnant?" As I previously mentioned, you have to make certain choices about what you are or are not okay with, and then be okay with the consequences of those choices. All choices have consequences, good or bad. Since consequences are a direct result of your choices, this should motivate you to pursue God before you make a choice, asking Him for wisdom and guidance. Once you've made your choice, you are at the mercy of consequences that are out of your control.

Circumstances
You do not have control over your circumstances, and unlike consequences, circumstances are not a direct result of your choices. Circumstances are independent of your choices. You can choose to save up for a house, mortgage a small portion of it, and purchase home insurance, but you cannot control a tornado destroying your house and having to start over with a few belongings and the insurance money. You can make wise choices that hopefully result in good consequences, but your circumstances may affect your life dramatically without any input from you. The death of a loved one, natural disasters, etc. With infertility, you cannot control your circumstances like a close friend announcing her pregnancy, or you miscarrying your baby. You can choose everything wisely, and you can prepare and hope for good consequences to your choices, but your circumstances are independent and unpredictable.

So once you've accepted how much and how little control you have over aspects of your life, how do you deal with the things you can't control? Allow Paul to share some of his wisdom with you.

Philippians 4:11-12
11 Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.

This is the key to maintaining a heart of hope and joy in the midst of trials and suffering. God will grant you wisdom to make wise choices if You ask Him. The consequences to your choices or simply the uncontrollable will lead to your life's circumstances. God asks us all to be content no matter what our circumstances are. Whether your circumstances are good or bad, happy or sad, full or empty, bright or dark...be content. There is ALWAYS at least one thing you have to be thankful for. So dwell on that. Praise God for that one thing (and the many things). Be content.

Better still, LEARN to be content. Paul admits that contentment is something to be learned. When you learn something, you usually have to study it, ponder it, repeat it, and practice it. Do the same with contentment. Choose contentment, and your consequences will follow a heart of contentment. Choosing contentment will strengthen your heart for whatever circumstances come your way.

I'm copying and pasting today's devotional from Sarah's Laughter because I found it very encouraging and I hope that you do as well. Stay hopeful, my friends!

When God Says "No" August 1, 2013

When you face a crisis in your life such as infertility, you must come face to face with your true belief about God.  Is He who He says He is?  Can He--will He--do what He says He will do?  In times of crisis, we must grapple with the fact that we are called on to trust the God who sometimes says “No”. When infertility enters your life, a lot of things can happen.  Some people turn to doctors.  Others decide to trust God to allow conception to happen naturally.  Some people tell everyone they know so they can garner support, and some choose to keep their situation very private.  Emotions go haywire and decisions must be made, but one thing is usually constant when infertility invades the home of a Christian couple: we pray.   We ask God to reverse the barrenness we carry.  We cry out for healing of endometriosis or polycystic ovaries.  We promise Him that we will be good mothers, that we will not only take these much-desired children to Sunday School, but we’ll teach the class as well.  We beg and plead with Him to end our struggle with infertility and give us the baby that only He can provide.  But sometimes--at least for a time--God says “No”. What does it mean when God says “no”?  It feels like He has abandoned us or that He is somehow unaware of how badly we want a baby.  Maybe He thinks I wouldn’t be a good mother, so He withholds from me the blessing of my womb.  It would be so much easier if God was unable to give me a baby!  Then I could imagine Him saying “Oh child!  I wish I could grant this desire.  I want to place life in your womb so badly, but I just can’t.  I would if I could, but I cannot.”  Then it would feel like He was a partner in this struggle with me, rather than a holy being that I must convince of my desire and commitment to being a good mother. How do I serve this God who says “no”? If your heart is hurting today, and you are struggling with how God must feel toward you and your infertility, let’s turn together to the Word, and examine another who heard God say “no”.  Perhaps you’ll understand a little better how He loves you.  Mark 14:35-36 says this: And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground and began to pray that if possible, the hour might pass Him by. And He was saying, “Abba!  Father!  Everything is possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will. This emotional passage of Scripture lets us in on the intimate exchange between God the Father and Jesus the Son, in the hours leading up to the excruciating execution of Jesus.  He is praying in the Garden of Gethsemane and you can hear His anguish dripping from every word.  He cries out to His “Abba Father”--the literal translation is like us crying to our “Daddy”.  Can’t you hear Him?   “Daddy, please!  Please, Daddy!  Please let this cup--let Calvary pass from me!  If it’s possible, Daddy, please!  It’s going to hurt!  The weight of sin will be crushing!   Oh Daddy, please, if it’s possible, make another way!”   Didn’t Jesus know whether or not it was possible, or whether or not God could make another way?  Of course He did.  Read on... Everything is possible for You;  remove this cup from Me;  yet not what I will but what You will. God the Father, heard the anguished cries of His only begotten Son, begging Him to let the cup of Calvary pass from Him and God said “no”. Why did God say “no”?  He had a greater plan.  If He had allowed Jesus to by-pass Calvary, infertility would be the least of your worries.  Your eternity would be a terrifying reality.  God, in His infinite wisdom and mercy, told Jesus “no”. Did God love Jesus that day?  Absolutely.  Did His heart break to tell His hurting Child “no”?  Without a doubt.  He does the same for you. You’ve begged God to let this be the month you conceive.  God says “no”.  You’ve asked Him to let you avoid medical treatment, but you pick up the phone to make the appointment because God said “no”.  Others have babies so easily, yet your family is formed through tears and years. Hard to understand?  Unquestionable.  But God has a greater plan.  Will He always say “no”?  Of course not.  He has marvelous works in store for you.  He just knows that for a time, He must say “no” to allow the greater plan to unfold, and He weeps with you as your tears fall.  Trust the God who sometimes says “no”.   His plan for you is unimaginable. His mercy for you is inexhaustible.  And just as He loved His only begotten Son, He loves you enough to sometimes say “no”.

To Plan or Not to Plan?

I've always been a planner. Whether or not I actually carry through with a plan, I have always been one to make plans. I feel scattered and lost without at least having a plan for many aspects of my life. In other words, it comforts me to know what's supposed to happen. For example, even something as simple as running a few errands compels me to formulate a plan. I list out all the locations I want to go to and then write numbers next to each location to tell me what order I should go to each one to maximize the efficiency of my driving route.

If I'm that crazy with errands, you can imagine how much I planned for big decisions in my life. When we married over 6 years ago, our plan was to enjoy the first few years together "just us." We were both wanting to finish school and a baby was simply not in the plan. Birth control pills were the method of contraception we chose. It was the method with the highest probability of preventing conception - the method that was most likely to keep us on the path of our child-free plan. I've always been meticulous and responsible, so it was no trouble for me to take the pill at the same time every day without missing one.

I took the pill for the first 2 years of marriage, but experienced negative side effects (depression, low libido, nausea, etc.) that made us decide to change our plan. We switched contraception methods to a less certain one - condoms - in 2009. Still sticking with our child-free plan, we knew there was a higher chance that we might get pregnant using condoms than taking the pill, but we decided that was best for us overall.

It's not that I didn't like or want kids at all. They were definitely part of the plan in the future, but not yet. And if I'm honest, I wasn't starstruck about kids. Sure, they could be cute. But they could also be completely and utterly gross. Sticky. Smelly. Slobbery. Worse behaved than my dogs. I was very timid around kids, and had no desire to hold other people's kids. But I figured I would love my own kids someday, hence why they were in my plan. Plus, the way I felt about kids at that time was more like "you're supposed to have kids" not "I want to have kids." (Michael shared my same mindset.) As you can see, God had some work to do in our hearts.

About a year later, I experienced a very late period. I was so scared that I went to the doctor to have my blood tested for pregnancy. I don't know why, but I didn't think about taking a home pregnancy test first. (I think God knew what events needed to take place, so maybe that's why the thought never entered my mind.) We were both very nervous about possibly being pregnant. What would we do?! This is much earlier than we'd planned for. Could we afford to have a baby now? Are we mature enough to raise a child? The what-ifs were endless. I received a phone call from my doctor's office with the test results.

"Your pregnancy test came back negative."

My heart sank. I felt...disappointed. Disappointed?

I couldn't believe that was my response to the test result. Not being pregnant was in line with our plan, so why would I feel sad by the test result? It made no sense to me. But now I know that it was clearly God working and moving in the depths of my heart, stirring a deep rooted desire to be a mother. Metaphorically, he awoke a sleeping giant.

Since that day, my desire to be a mother has only grown. And so from that day forward, my plans changed. I wanted to be a mother as soon as possible.

At first it was I alone that held this desire. Michael was not yet ready to even consider trying to conceive a baby. I still have my old prayer journals full of prayer after prayer that God would work in Michael's heart, help him to be open to becoming a father and gain that desire for himself. I tried to talk about my desires with Michael so that he would be fully aware of how I felt. I was ecstatic when he finally relented in December 2010 and agreed that we could begin trying to conceive.

So I made my new plan in that moment: get pregnant right away and announce it Christmas morning to our families. It would have been magical. There would have been tears and hugs and tons of excitement.

But it would not have been right, because it was my plan and not God's.

Since entering the realm of infertility, God has moved mountains of stubbornness in my heart. Mountains so large and deeply entrenched that I never thought they could be moved. But He is God after all. Most powerful, yet most gentle. Unwavering in His plans.

He taught me that it's okay to make plans, but only if I remain open to His plan above all else. That's the hard part to apply in life.

When you struggle with infertility, there are so many overwhelming decisions to make. What tests and procedures to try, when, with what doctor, how much are you willing to pay, when do you decide to move on to the next step, etc.

Planners like me can be very tempted to make plan after plan and keep trying to force their plan into existence. But at some point, you must stop. You must yield to the unyielding God. You must let him move your mountain of stubbornness where He pleases (which is out of your heart). You must trust that He has a plan, that it includes you, and that His plan will truly be the best one. And then the hardest part, you must decide to choose to follow His plan instead of your own.

I continue to struggle with this, but I recognize and am thankful for how far I've come in this struggle. I know how stubborn I used to be, how hard I fought to keep my plan in place.

But I reached a point where I finally relented and decided to let go of keeping my plans in first place. My desires to be a mother have not changed. My desires to conceive a biological child have not changed. But pretty much every other part of my heart has been forever changed.

I no longer look at kids as just part of the plan. I no longer view adoption as a charitable act of kindness. I know better than to pry into other couples' family planning ("So...when will you guys have kids?"). I know that if I do end up conceiving a biological child, that child is never going to truly be mine, but the Lord's. I know that whomever ends up being my child, it is the purest form of a blessing from God, and I should be grateful day in and day out at having the honor of such an important role as a mother.

Most importantly, I know that all of this pain and heartache is ultimately meant to bring glory to God and all His goodness. He has been so faithful and gentle in dealing with this stubborn planner in yours truly. He took a girl who was lukewarm about kids and transformed her into a woman longing for children of her own yet seeking God's will even if it does not line up with her plans and desires. He took a boy who had superficial and unrealistic views about children and molded him into a man with a deep heart's desire to be a father and to teach his children about the glory of the Lord. He took a marriage that likely would not have survived had we conceived according to my plans, and transformed it into a lasting and beautiful expression of grace. He made us partners. He showed us that children are not to be idolized because all good things come from God, and He deserves all the glory, not the object of the blessing.

As much as I think my plans are best, I believe His plans are even better, and I want nothing more than to allow Him to carry out His plan in my life.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

The Latest Update On Us:
We are loving our new diet and lifestyle and plan (lol) to stick with it for life because we believe it's the best way to honor our temples, no matter the outcome (hoping for biological conception but whether our journey ends with conception or not will not change our decision to adopt a plant-based diet). I don't think we ever would have been open to adopting a plant-based diet unless we'd experienced this trial, so praise God for that.

We have been plant-based for almost 9 months, and although we have yet to conceive, we are not interested in pursuing any form of medical procedures to help us conceive. We have felt the Lord confirm in our hearts that He wants us to keep waiting at this time. The only way we will include the medical field in our family planning is if the Lord clearly moves us in that direction.

We are open to God's will, whatever that may be. We are open to adopting, but will not pursue adoption until we feel Him leading us down that path. Adoption is not an easy process. It will require an extensive amount of research, financial planning, and emotional commitment. We have decided to wait until December 2014 before we begin to research the adoption process, unless the Lord moves us to act sooner (or later) than that time. This is an example of me making a plan because it brings me comfort to have a date to look forward to (December 2014), but God's plan and timing come first. We will ultimately do what He wills, when He wills it.

Thank you to those who continue to pray for us. We are grateful for your love and friendship. We look forward to seeing what God has planned for our lives.

Hope & Love,
Christine

How

How

How long must I pray before You answer me
How long must I wait before Your plan is revealed to me
How long, O Lord, how long

How many more birthdays will pass with empty arms
How many more mother’s days will pass with silence
How many more father’s days will pass with no celebration
How many more, O Lord, how many more

How come so many ask me if I have children
How come so many friends don’t understand
How come I feel like I’m the only one dealing with this
How come, O Lord, how come

How is it that so many conversations involve one’s children
How is it that most commercials I see target mothers
How is it that most churches don’t have a place for someone like me
How is it, O Lord, how is it

How do I deal with all these bumps in my road
How do I handle the silence and waiting
How do I hold onto hope and faith
How do I, O Lord, how do I

God I need You
I need You to guide me
I need You to answer me
I need You to carry me
I need You to tell me how

Misconception

Which of the two orange circles is larger, right or left?

Ready for the correct answer?

You guessed correctly!! Because they are the same size...

Don't believe me? Take out a ruler and measure them on the screen. (Yes, I actually did this!) This is called the Ebbinghaus illusion.

I thought this was a wonderful example of the common misconceptions associated with infertility. I want to focus on two perspectives: from the infertile's and the fertile's points of view.

Infertile
I know you well. You often have thoughts like, "Why is it so much easier for [her] to conceive than me?"

My dear sister, it may feel like everyone else around you could get pregnant from drinking the water while you are carefully planning and timing and tracking and counting and peeing and...well...you get the idea.

But sometimes things are not as they seem. The circle on the right may look bigger, but it's really the same size as the one on the left. Translated for you: it may seem like [she] can conceive so much easier than you, but it's simply not true.

You have a misconception about this. You are allowing yourself to be fooled into believing the lie that Satan works very hard at getting you to believe.

Because the truth is, [she] has no higher odds of conceiving than you do. Yes, really. Why? Because God is the one and ONLY ONE who decides when a life will begin. No matter what [she] says, no matter who [she] gives the credit to, no matter how many kids [they] have already, no matter how little [they] were trying to conceive...the one and ONLY reason [she] conceived at all was purely because God said it was to be so.

On the flip side, the one and ONLY reason you have not yet conceived [or birthed a baby] is because God says it is not yet the time for it to be so. No matter what doctors have told you, no matter how messed up your cycles are, no matter how many years you've been trying...the only reason you are still waiting is because God's plan is still yet to unfold in your life.

That levels the playing field. You should no longer feel inferior to [her]. You should no longer compare yourself to [her]. Your journeys are obviously very different, but your odds are exactly the same: 100%. It is a guarantee, a certainty that God's plan will unfold in each of your lives. It will happen in different ways, at different times, and with different endings, but it WILL happen.

So go "all in". Bet big. Put all your cards on the table before God. Pray without ceasing. Keep asking Him for guidance. Keep crying out to Him for help and strength and comfort. Keep the proper perspective about your situation and remember that you are loved and not forgotten. You are NOT the smaller circle.

Fertile
Please remember to give credit where it is due. Just as the infertile is fooled into believing they are inferior to you, you can easily be fooled into believing that you played a bigger role in the conception of your child than you really did.

So my plea with you is to use caution with how you speak about your fertility. Always try to choose humility over pride. It may not be so easy the next time you try to conceive. Secondary infertility is a real thing for many women. They often find themselves frustrated and confused, realizing that they took for granted their apparent fertility the first time around.

Just remember that it is God and God alone who gives children to parents. You have been blessed with a precious gift, and He calls you to honor Him with it and give Him the credit for it (Psalm 127:3).

If you already know the two circles are the same size, then I thank God for your awareness of this and for your sensitivity to the infertiles' hearts. Your understanding is invaluable to us.



In summary, we are all made in the image of God. We are all fallen creatures. We are all at the mercy of our Lord's plan for our lives. Our stories will be different, our prayers will be answered in different ways and at different times. We must not compare one journey to the next. We must not think of our journey as superior or inferior to another's. Those comparisons lead only to shame.

Philippians 2:1-11
1 Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, 2 make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. 3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; 4 do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. 5 Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus, 6 who, although He existed in the form of God, did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, 7 but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant, and being made in the likeness of men. 8 Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. 9 For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, 10 so that at the name of Jesus every knee will bow, of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth, 11 and that every tongue will confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Confessions of an Infertile

I'm a really bad waiter. I was also a really bad waitress.

I just want so desperately to know what God's plan is. I feel pretty confident that I can get on board with whatever His plan is...I just want to know what it is so all of this uncertainty can go away.

No matter what happens in my life; no matter what I'm doing; no matter how busy I am...nothing will make me feel whole. Only God can do that.

I feel like the most impatient person in the world. I do not like waiting. I get so anxious and antsy. Waiting at a red light or for a train. Waiting for a speech or lecture to end. Waiting for an airplane to get moving. Waiting to get off said airplane. Waiting in line at the store. Why do people move sooooo sloooooooow when I'm around?? Get a move on people!

That's honestly how I feel about God sometimes...get a move on God! Why are you taking so long to reveal your plan?!

Could there really be a reason for all this waiting? Is it really for some good? I mean, looking back, I definitely see all the good that has happened. So many lessons learned, relationships made, and opportunities realized. But in each moment, I feel like that must certainly be it. All the learning must surely be over. Right? RIGHT?!

Deep breath. And again.

And again.

Days like this make it really hard to trust that God knows what He's doing. But that's absurd. Because He's GOD! Of course He knows what He's doing. He made the world and everything in it. And the most crucial detail: He made time. Time belongs to Him. The stupid thing that I keep obsessing over is the very thing that He made and is in complete control of.

So the real question I find myself asking is: How to be patient? I clearly do not possess this skill when it comes to waiting for God's plan to be revealed, so how can I learn to be patient? Is there a class I can attend? A book I can read? A magical potion I can swallow?

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

It's a fruit of the Spirit. Great! And which store can I pick that up at? I'm a health nut...I love fruit!

But this fruit is not something that is so simple to find and possess. Or is it?

John 15:1-11
1 "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. 9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."

This is lengthy, but so very informative and valuable. In short, the only way to bear fruit (read "patience" for yours truly) is to abide in Christ. So patience is not something that I yield on my own. Just as a farmer is not the one to grow a crop, he is the one who puts in the time, labor, and care. God then causes the growth. So I will only gain patience by putting in the time, labor, and care (love) towards Christ.

And that's not all. In verse 5, He says that if you abide in Him, you will bear much fruit. You mean I might bear more things from that list than just patience?! Sounds unbelievable...I mean, have you met me before? Phew, God has His work cut out for Him growing so many different fruits from this sinful being.

But God is faithful. So I must be faithful. I want to abide in Him. And if I have any hope of keeping some semblance of my sanity, I need to abide in Him. I need to stop and smell the roses, not push passed all the slow pokes at the park. I need to bear fruit while I wait for the Lord.

God, please help me abide in You. I long to make you proud. I want to bring You glory. Please help your daughter out.

Don't Be a Fiddler

"I'm fiddling"

(You get an 'A' if you know what movie this is from!)

Are you a fiddler? I'm the type that will fiddle with something in my hands when I'm thinking, conversing, listening...it's just something I mindlessly do with various objects nearby. I'm usually not actively thinking about it. My hands seem to have a mind of their own in that way and before I know what happened, I look down and realize I've unscrewed the pen tip or I'm twirling my wedding rings around my finger.

Infertility can be like that. Without even realizing what happened, you can find yourself going from carefree to fretting. You can find yourself obsessing about one tiny detail or following the thought pathway of a particular what-if scenario.

I've come to realize that the enemy uses these "mind fiddles" as an opportunity to decrease your faith. Because when I have that moment of realization that I've been fretting about something, I realize that I feel more hopeless and alone. The enemy uses those opportunities to draw you away from God.

So it's very important to faithfully and continually evaluate yourself. If you realize you're fretting or that you've started claiming the reins of your life/situation thinking you have control over something that you really don't...release it. Give them back to God.

1 Peter 5:6-11
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, 7 casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. 10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 11 To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

It's unfortunately not a decision you just make once; it's a decision you have to keep making throughout your journey (and whole life, I would argue). Let it go, and put the reins back into God's hands. Take charge of your thoughts, and direct them where you know they should go.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ

Take ownership of what you do have control over, but nothing beyond that...you have to let those things go. It's worth it, because whose hands are more capable than God's?

Jealousy - Green Is Not My Best Color

I have struggled with jealousy for all my life. Blame it on being an only child, or simply the fact that I'm a regular, sinful, selfish human being...often times my first response to someone who has something that I want but don't have is a response of jealousy. This especially became a foothold for me when we first began struggling with infertility. It took every ounce of strength I possessed to not dwell on thoughts like this (and I often failed, allowing myself to stew in jealousy):

Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?
She's so ungrateful for being pregnant by complaining so often, it just makes me sick.
I bet I would handle that so much better than her.
It's so unfair that teenagers get pregnant all the time after "just once", yet I can't get pregnant at all!

And on and on...turning greener and greener by the minute.

As I learned to depend on the Lord, and give everything about this journey to Him, submitting to His and only His plan, it became easier for me to reject thoughts of jealousy. I still face many temptations to be jealous about others' pregnancies and children, but the more I focus my attention heavenward, the easier it gets to move past the narrow-focused thought of jealousy.

I still intentionally protect myself by setting boundaries that aid my ability to reject jealousy, such as refusing to attend all baby showers or visit newborns and new parents. I do this in the same way that a man who struggles with sexual purity might set a boundary by installing protective computer software or avoid seeing a movie with sexual content. It's only prudent to set yourself up for success rather than willingly entering a situation you know will lead you into temptation and struggle. But the greatest recipe for success is keeping your gaze focused on the Lord, pursuing Him actively.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Sarah's Laughter devotional below is a wonderful example of how jealousy, especially in the midst of infertility, can lead you away from the dream you so desperately long for. We infertile women must be extra cautious about the condition of our hearts. We must make every effort to not set ourselves against our husbands and begin a trend of instilling jealousy in our children. It does not mean you are not allowed to feel sadness and grief, but always viewing the world from the perspective of "what I'm not getting" is a selfish and narrow perspective to have. We must fix our eyes on the hope and plan God has for us.

Profile: Rachel April 15, 2013

Rachel was definitely one of us.  She wanted a baby so badly, and it seemed that nothing she tried worked.  There is much we can learn as we examine Rachel’s life.  Just as Hannah gave us examples of how we should strive to handle the heartache of infertility, Rachel gives us a crystal clear look at what pitfalls we need to avoid as best we can. Jealousy was a major chapter in Rachel’s infertility story.  Undoubtedly, the most painful reminder of her infertility was her sister.  Her sister who lived in her own house.  Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant.  Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant by Rachel’s husband.  I know it’s tough to be infertile in 2013, but most of us don’t have pregnant siblings living with us who are carrying our spouse’s child!  Ugh! Jealousy was such a factor in Rachel’s heart that it is one of the themes that Scripture shares with us about her life.  She was so jealous of her sister that it tainted everything she did, everything she said, and even played a role in the naming of her children that God did eventually grant her.  Rachel’s jealousy didn’t go away when her children were born.  It colored her parenting and even affected her children throughout their adult lives. All of us feel a twinge of jealousy when we see a pregnant woman or hear someone our age announce their third pregnancy.  Sometimes it’s more than a twinge!  Ask God to help you with this hurtful emotion when jealousy begins to rear its ugly head.  Don’t let your infertility story be written by jealousy’s hand. There is no doubt that Rachel was consumed by baby hunger.  She was also consumed by rage.  She was so angry that she couldn’t conceive and her anger spilled over into her relationships.  In Genesis 30:1, we see her snipping at her husband.  Chances are, it wasn’t the first argument they’d ever had regarding her inability to conceive.  “Give me children, or else I die!”  What was her husband, Jacob’s response?  Then Jacob’s anger burned against Rachel...(Genesis 30:2).  No wiping her tears.  No strong shoulder to lean on.  Rachel’s accusations lit a fire in her husband’s heart. (Remember Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”)  How many times could she lash out at Jacob without expecting him to reciprocate?  Chance are, he was doing everything he could possibly do to help her get pregnant.   Learn from Rachel’s mistakes.  How different would her life have been if she had found a way to harness jealousy and rage?  How much lighter would the burden of infertility have been had she not had to simultaneously struggle with broken relationships and hurt feelings? No one says it’s easy.  No one expects you to get through this season of your life with the total absence of anger or jealousy.  After all, you are a human being, you know.  But keep an honest eye on yourself and on your heart.  Don’t let Satan get a stronghold in your life as he tries to wrap your heart in anger and jealousy.

Settled In

It was a sunny afternoon on December 4, 2010. We had just returned from a church social event, where a mutual friend/couple had brought her twin girls. They were so precious! She asked me to help feed one of her girls, and I sat in awe as I held this little girl and gazed into her eyes as she sipped from her bottle. I remember thinking, "I could totally get the hang of this." (I formerly had a fear that I wouldn't have a clue how to take care of a baby's needs.) Michael came over shortly after and held one of the girls. I remember thinking how much I loved that image of him - my handsome husband holding a tender, delicate little baby girl.

I had been talking for months with Michael about how I felt more and more comfortable with the idea of starting a family. So this afternoon, after having been around babies, of course the conversation went that way again. I shared my feelings and desires to become a mom, and after expressing some concerns about financial stability and how a baby would dramatically change our lives, Michael agreed that we could begin trying.

Hooray!!! It just so happened that I was scheduled to ovulate a couple days later. What perfect timing to get pregnant, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning! How did I ever get to be so lucky to have that timing work out so well.

After a few days of enjoying the "consequences" of the decision to start trying (hint hint), I began counting down the days until I could take a pregnancy test. I had everything planned perfectly...I went to the Dollar Store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Kudos to me for saving some money!

Finally the day arrived when I could take the test. Having never taken one before, I of course had to read the instructions to make sure I did everything right. Put a couple drops of urine on the strip, wait 3 minutes, and then let the celebrations begin!

2 minutes 55 seconds...
2 minutes 56 seconds...
2 minutes 57 seconds...
2 minutes 58 seconds...
2 minutes 59 seconds...
3 minutes!

Wait a second...what does one line mean? Only one baby?

Negative...

It's amazing how much one tiny pink line can impact one's emotions. And it's equally amazing how quickly your mind can be inundated with thoughts of doubt.

Is there something wrong with me? With Michael? Will we have a hard time getting pregnant?

A little disappointed, I brushed off those thoughts, and was determined to figure out this whole conception thing. Christmas came and went.

I remember sitting in bed talking with Michael on New Year's Eve. We were discussing our New Year's Resolutions. Michael's was to compete in an arm-wrestling tournament (which he did). I remember stating mine: "To become a mom."

Oh dear was I setting myself up for disappointment. To make that a resolution, or even a goal or accomplishment was so naive. I had yet to learn how little control a person has on the conception of a life.

Fast forward to today. It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 7 days since that decision was made. 829 days to be exact.

829 days of waiting. Of prayers and pleading. Of tears and broken dreams. But also of growth and character development. Renewed faith and neverending hope. God has completely transformed the both of us in these past 829 days. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually...we are forever changed. We have a new mindset and heart when it comes to children and the hope of having them someday.

I personally went through darkness and thankfully, emerged again into His light. I know that I did not always behave or react the right way during these past 829 days, but I have learned so many valuable lessons.

I'm at a point now where I feel very settled in. Infertility is the norm for me now. I don't mean that in a depressed way. More of a comfort level kind of way. I am so used to the process of trying, waiting, grieving, and trying again, that I feel like if things were to change, it might take me some time to get used to that change.

I've always been slow to change...it's just my personality type. When I make a plan, I get uncomfortable if the plan changes. I used to be a lot worse about that, but I've relaxed quite a bit thanks to infertility. But still, I'm comfortable with where I am now. The thought of getting pregnant is almost bringing back the same fears as before we started trying. Wow, could I really learn how to take care of another life?

I realized the other day after we listened to a conference call about pregnancy that the Wellness Forum hosted that I know nothing about pregnancy and labor. I mean, I know the basics of what goes in must come out, but I'm lacking the details of what happens throughout a pregnancy, the stages of labor, and what in the world you're supposed to do with a baby when you take it home (without an instruction manual)...that's really scary to me. I intentionally forbade myself from reading and learning about it in order to keep my expectations from getting out of hand. I also wanted to save something special for pregnancy. Because of that, I realized that if the Lord does allow us to become pregnant, we will be starting completely over from scratch. We will have a ton of research to do and things to learn and decide about. I already feel like I need to start taking some deep breaths to relax!

Sometimes I imagine what our lives will look like if the Lord does allow us to get pregnant. Would it really change our lives and daily routine all that much? What social norms am I comfortable with now and which am I uncomfortable with? Will I one day forget about this struggle and begin to take our child for granted? And here's my biggest question: Will I always feel that twinge in my stomach whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman, or does that go away? I have gotten so used to that twingy feeling that it's hard to believe it will disappear over night.

I'm just so thankful that no matter what changes occur in our lives, one thing will remain unchanged:

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Our lives could remain this way for even more years, or they could be thrown upside down with the blessing of a pregnancy. But God will always remain the same, forever the steady and peaceful presence by our side. Settled or unsettled, He is always with us. I'll close with a song I love that illustrates this point...enjoy!

An Empty Room

One night before bed, my heart was filled with these words, so I wrote them down in a pseudo poem. The intention is not to be a fancy, formal poem, but more to just bear my heart and share with you all.

-------------------------------------------------------

An Empty Room

An empty room. An empty womb.

When the sun sets on your plans

Leaving your dreams unfulfilled

You must choose.

How will you face the night?

How will you face the day?

Time will pass. Life will go on.

With or without you.

With or without your heart's desires.

You feel left behind.

Stuck in time.

Unable to move on.

Not understanding why.

Not understanding why not.

You must choose.

How will you pass the time?

How will you endure the wait?

Whose voice will you listen to?

Whose light will you follow?

Choose wisely, dear one.

For only one path leads to truth.

Only one path is straight.

Only one leaves you full.

Full of peace.

Full of love.

Full of joy.

Full of hope.

Let the light of the Lord

Show you the way.

Do not despair.

Your prayers are heard.

Your every hair is numbered.

Your every tear is collected.

You are never alone

When you have the Lord in your heart.

You are never hopeless

When you know who you are

And to Whom you belong.

A childless woman. No.

A failure and broken. No.

Unworthy and guilty. No.

A child of God. Most surely, yes.

Cling to the Truth

With every bit of strength you possess.

Run to your Savior

And never, ever forget.

One day your time will come.

One day your tears will cease.

One day your heart will overflow

Because one day your room will be full.

Hope & Love,
Christine

Blaming God

I'm catching up on a few blog post topics I've had lately. One very important topic is the tendency for people to blame God when something bad happens. Don't fear that you are the only one, we all have thoughts like these at times:

Why, God, would you let this happen to me (or someone you love)?

If you're so loving, why do you let your "loved ones" feel so much hurt?

If God knows everything, why didn't He stop this from happening to me?


I'm sure you could think of additional questions to add here...



Everyone struggles with doubting God's goodness at some point in their lives. After all, doubting God's goodness was the first sin committed by Adam and Eve, remember?

Genesis 2:15-17; 3:1-7
15 Then the Lord God took the man and put him into the garden of Eden to cultivate it and keep it. 16 The Lord God commanded the man, saying, "From any tree of the garden you may eat freely; 17 but from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat from it you will surely die."

1 Now the serpent was more crafty than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, "Indeed, has God said, 'You shall not eat from any tree of the garden'?" 2 The woman said to the serpent, "From the fruit of the trees of the garden we may eat; 3 but from the fruit of the tree which is in the middle of the garden, God has said, 'You shall not eat from it or touch it, or you will die.'" 4 The serpent said to the woman, "You surely will not die! 5 For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil." 6 When the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was desirable to make one wise, she took from its fruit and ate; and she gave also to her husband with her, and he ate. 7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.

They were living in perfect relationship with God, but because Satan suggested that God may not be as good as He seemed, that seed of doubt was planted, and Eve chose to focus on it, which in effect watered it and allowed it to yield a full-blown plant of sin. And that was that.

How have you doubted God's goodness, or taken it a step further and blamed God for something in your life?

Do you easily believe God is good and cares for you when times are good? But what about when something bad or painful happens? Do you feel slighted by God? Forgotten? Unloved? Uncared for? Doubt His good intentions? Do you feel tempted to seize control of your life, because if God lets bad things happen in your life when you let Him be in control, then surely you can do a better job yourself? Have you ever thought that way?

I have. Lots of times!

When we first decided to try starting a family, and month after month passed and nothing happened, I took control of my life because I thought, "If God's not going to 'just make it happen', then I'll figure out the way to get the job done." So I read all I could about how my cycle works, how to track it, when to have intercourse, how, what to do afterwards, what products to use, what foods to eat, what vitamins to take....on and on and on...I attempted to cling to every ounce of control I could lay my hands on. But I was only fooling myself. No matter how hard one tries, no one can will a life to begin except for God Himself. Hey, He created this world, so I guess He deserves that solitary right to create all life...

Once I yielded the control back to God, the feelings of doubt started to creep in. Satan skillfully tempted me with suggestions to doubt God's goodness. Remember, Satan is called the most crafty beast (Genesis 3:1), and that he prowls around like a lion seeking to devour (1 Peter 5:8). That's some serious imagery. Satan suggested that perhaps God doesn't care for me as much as I originally thought He did. Perhaps God doesn't care if I hurt as much as I am. Perhaps God doesn't care that I so desperately long for a child, a desire that supposedly God wants His people to have, so why in the world would He not give me that desire? Satan -- you gotta give him some credit -- he's super talented at his job. He is the epitome of the slimy snake businessman who can sell a pebble for a $1 million. Don't underestimate his ability to tempt you. I've faced many, many of his tactics. His suggestions. His subtle whispers that speak directly into the heart of all my fears. It's truly scary how well he knows my fears. How he can so easily target them.

I fail often when Satan tempts me. And sometimes, I'm just so used to thinking negatively, to doubting God's goodness and blaming Him for the suffering I'm going through, that I don't even need Satan's help to provide me with those suggestions of doubt. It's just buried inside of me, in the pit of my biggest fears.

So now let's talk truth. Let's focus on what's true and sure according to God's Word, so that when Satan or your own self begins to step down the road of doubting or blaming God, you can fight back.

Truth #1: God is complete perfection.
Everything about God is perfect. His actions. His thoughts. His will. His plan. He is the Creator God, and all that exists, exists because He made it so.

Psalms 18:30
As for God, His way is blameless; 
The word of the Lord is tried; 
He is a shield to all who take refuge in Him.

Colossians 1:16
For by Him all things were created, both in the heavens and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities— all things have been created through Him and for Him.

Truth #2: God is only good.
God cannot be anything other than good. Because God is complete perfection, only perfection can be in His presence. This is the root of why we need a Savior -- because we are all sinful creatures who fall short of God's standard of perfection (Romans 3:23). God is only good. Only light. It's impossible for God to have evil intentions towards anyone. So when Satan or your flesh suggest otherwise, cling to this truth.

1 John 1:5
This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all.

Deuteronomy 32:3-4
For I proclaim the name of the Lord;
Ascribe greatness to our God!
The Rock! His work is perfect,
For all His ways are just;
A God of faithfulness and without injustice,
Righteous and upright is He.

Psalms 5:4
For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness;
No evil dwells with You.

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."

Truth #3: God will always love you.
Just like the Third Day song, God's love reaches to the heavens...and everywhere and everyone in between. His love is immeasurable. Unstoppable. All consuming. Unconditional. Yes, unconditional. No matter how hard a person rejects God and chooses to never believe that Christ was real or died for their sins, that doesn't change the fact that God loves that person and mourns that he/she will not accept God's free gift to enter into a right and eternal relationship with Him. A right relationship with God is conditional on a person putting their faith in Christ and believing that only through Christ and Christ's death and resurrection can one enter into a right relationship with the Holy and Perfect God. But God's love is unconditional, and extends to all people in the world. He created man, and He said Himself that it was very good (Genesis 1:31). God's love is neverending.

John 3:16
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.

1 John 4:8-11
8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 9 By this the love of God was manifested in us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him. 10 In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Truth #4: God will never leave you.
Not only is God complete perfection, only good, and will always love you...God will never leave you. He does not forget about you. He does not abandon you. He does not turn His back on you. He sent His Holy Spirit for goodness' sake...clearly God has no intentions of leaving you!

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the Lord your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

Hebrews 13:5
Make sure that your character is free from the love of money, being content with what you have; for He Himself has said, "I will never desert you, nor will I ever forsake you"

Romans 5:5
and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

And do yourself a favor and read all of Psalms 139.



Remember these truths when you're tempted to blame God or doubt His good intentions for you. I'll leave you with one of my favorite verses:

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Expectations vs. Desires

In our marriage, Michael is typically the optimist and I'm typically the pessimist realist. My mother raised me under the expression "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." So that's how I have always approached events in my life. For example, I was a very good student throughout my years of school. I don't mean to sound pompous, but just state the fact that I generally performed well in whatever class I took (there were certainly exceptions!). But nearly every time I would take an exam, even if the exam felt extremely easy to me, I would tell myself that I probably failed -- preparing for the worst, right? Then when the test score would be anything above passing, I'd be thrilled.

I don't necessarily like this viewpoint. In my opinion, viewing life this way causes one to sound like a negative person. Always saying things (either to others or to yourself) like, "There's no way we're pregnant this month" or "I doubt it'll happen this month" has only made me feel like I'm a Negative Nancy. And even though I tell myself those negative things, my hopeful heart cannot be contained sometimes. For instance, I'll take a pregnancy test a day before my period is supposed to start, of course it's negative, which disappoints me in the moment, but there's still this little, stubborn, hopeful part of me that thinks, maybe it's wrong. And when my period doesn't start right when I think it's supposed to, I'm convinced I must be pregnant. Then hours later or the next day when my period finally starts, it's heartbreaking, and I feel so stupid for thinking the test could be wrong when it hasn't lied to me yet.

So needless to say, I struggle a lot with how to keep my hopes high, without getting them too high so it doesn't hurt as bad when I fall down with disappointment, or when the captain of the red team, Aunt Flow, sends me hurtling back down to reality.

What's the right approach for my attitude? Should I just say the words "I'm pregnant!" just to feel what that feels like? To speak that into existence through faith?

How do you stay positive, without getting your hopes up too high? How much is too hopeful? When does hopeful become delusional and setting yourself up for depression-type disappointment?

I asked Michael about this, and as usual, I just love the wisdom he shares with me. He has a God-given and natural ability to be able to put things into words in a way that are so helpful to me. He said in my situation, it seems like what I'm doing is having expectations rather than desires. Like I'm expecting either extreme: to be pregnant or not to be pregnant. I'm either telling myself "Yes, this must be it!" or "No way, not happening!" When instead, my thoughts and attitude should be one of desires, not expectations. He said having a desire to have children is a good desire. It's biblical. It's godly. It's good. God wants us to desire children. So just stop it at that - at the point of expressing my desires - before it turns into expectations, into the two extremes.

Duh!

Sometimes something can be so simple, but so difficult to figure out for yourself. This was one of those things for me. In fact, it made me realize that for my whole life, I had been viewing events with expectations, with the two extremes. I misinterpreted the the "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" mantra. Hoping for the best is having a desire for the best. Having a desire for the thing you want. I'll come back to the second part of the mantra in a moment.

What differentiates expectations from desires? Sometimes a simple Google search is all that's needed to provide some needed perspective.

Expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
Desire: A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

So both attitudes are strong in their feelings. But the difference is believing something will for sure happen, and the other is stopping it at wanting or wishing for the thing to happen, not depending or relying on the certainty of that said thing happening.

In summary, it's GOOD to desire to have children, but NOT GOOD to expect to have children. Or in my case, to expect that we'll have children this month. Or next month. Or next month. So what I've been doing since Michael helped me realize this flaw in my attitude is every time I have a thought about wanting to have children or wondering if I might be pregnant at this very moment, I stop and pray the following:

God, I strongly desire to have children. Please give me strength to be patient and to wait for Your timing. If this month is not the time You have chosen to give us a child, please prepare my heart for that disappointment.

This past April, during National Infertility Awareness Week, I posted the following picture on Facebook to raise awareness about the average number of times per week that I think about my desire to have children. I actually counted, and wrote a tally mark on my arm to keep a running total.  So as you can see, this gives you an idea of how many times each day that I end up saying that prayer. A. W.H.O.L.E. L.O.T.

The "but prepare for the worst" part of the mantra was the part that I really had wrong. It doesn't have to mean "be super negative about everything", it could simply mean allowing yourself to think through what you would do if the thing you're hoping for doesn't happen. How would you handle it? What would you do? It does NOT mean you should tell yourself "It definitely won't happen."

So again, thanks to my husband's encouragement and wisdom yesterday, he suggested that I allow myself time each month to be sad for a moment. Because my desire to have children is a desire God wants me to have, it's okay, it's a good thing even, to feel sad when that desire is not answered or given. He suggested I take some time, actually plan some time and be intentional about it, to be sad. And then move on, let it go for that month, and then strive to be hopeful the rest of the time.

Again, it sounds simple, but it's something I had never done before. Sure, I usually ended up by myself in a closet, curled up in a fetal position on the floor, sobbing, but that wasn't planned or intended. So my new plan of action for this is to set aside time every month, when my monthly disappointment arrives, to be sad. I plan to sit somewhere by myself, with a Bible and Kleenex nearby, and a journal and pen ready to write my feelings out. I may even try to write letters to my future children, or simply write my desires for my children out on paper. To celebrate the beautiful fact that God has given me this desire, that perhaps doesn't come naturally to others. To be sad. To be allowed to be sad. For a moment. For a specific, planned, intentional moment.