Sorry for the commerical break

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted anything. I've been compiling responses to the upcoming series I want to post about, which will hopefully be ready in the next month or so.

In the meantime, I'll share a couple updates...

• We got our blood work back that showed the pre- and post-diet levels. We were astonished at how much Michael's cholesterol dropped! If you want to read about our other before/after results, we blogged about it here.
• Because the information about diet and nutrition is so vast, and because so many people have asked about it, we decided to create an entirely separate blog specifically about our journey to health. If you're interested in following that blog too, the link is: http://tofuandmanna.blogspot.com/
• I realized about a month ago how much these health improvements have helped my outlook on our fertility and my life in general. It makes sense, right? That the physical, mental, and spiritual are all intertwined. Looking back to my state of mind over the summer, I see how much I was struggling with depression. I wasn't actively aware of it at the time, but boy was it deep. But since we've changed our diet and exercise habits, my outlook on life is dramatically improved. I no longer feel weighed down by thoughts of hopelessness. I'm so thankful for God leading us towards this decision!
• I ran a mile without taking a break to walk for the first time in my whole life! For you regular runners out there, I realize this is no big deal, but for me, it's a really big deal. I used to hate running. H.A.T.E. I.T.! I would attempt to run and quickly feel so winded that I would have to stop to walk. But a couple weeks ago, it was a beautiful Friday afternoon when we got home from work, and we decided to go for a jog. I didn't quite make it to a consecutive 1-mile distance without walking, but we ended up going a total distance of 3.5 miles, where most of it was running! Then we went a few days later, and I beat my previous record - we ran for 1-mile, walked briefly, then ran another mile! This former run-hater was so proud of herself. Now, don't expect me to be running any marathons any time soon, but I was happy to get rid of my hatred for it. :)
• Dr. H. is super sweet. She emailed me to check up on me because she hasn't heard from me in a while. I just love how caring she is and how she strives to invest in her patient's lives.

That's pretty much it. Thank you all for your continued prayers. We really appreciate it!

HSG Test, a.k.a. The Alien Abduction

Thank you all so much for your prayers on October 4th for my HSG test!!

Question: How did it go?
Answer: Ouch, but good.

HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram. Seeing as how I had to copy and paste that, you can see why everyone prefers to abbreviate it. It's basically an x-ray, coupled with injecting x-ray visible dye to see the shape of the uterus and to check if the fallopian tubes are blocked or open. Thankfully, mine were were open. Praise God!

But as for the "how do they do that"...well, that's more akin to an alien abduction movie. So not that I recommend getting one of these tests for fun, but if you ever have to have one, or are simply curious, here's what my experience was.

First surprise is that these tests are done in radiology (unless you're at a fertility clinic where perhaps they have equipment specifically for this procedure). Then I changed into the toga-gown. Very fashionable. I think it's what they use for women getting a mammogram. Like this:

But mine was blue. So there you go.

Anyway, then they took me into the x-ray room, and I waited there for Dr. H. to arrive. At this point Michael and my mom were allowed to come in and put on their lead aprons. Then I had to lay down on the metal table. Thankfully, the nurse working that room was wonderful. She laid a blanket on the metal table so it wasn't as cold. She also gave me two rolled up rags to squeeze in case I needed to. Oh boy, how handy those came in!

After Dr. H. gathered all the tools she would need, the alien prodding began. Speculum, a.k.a. bird beak. Then I have no idea what tools were used, because I was focused on squeezing every single fiber out of those rolled up rags, and staring at the square-shaped air vent in the ceiling. You know the ones that have concentric squares of smaller and smaller sizes as you move towards the center?

But from reading, I believe Dr. H. did something to hold onto the cervix to allow her to insert a catheter into it. On the other end of the catheter was a syringe with x-ray visible dye. The first time she tried to inject the dye, it wouldn't inject, so she had to re-insert or maybe insert the catheter even farther to allow the dye to be injected. Like I said, I was not aware of anything at that point, just those concentric squares and squeezing those rags. An actual alien could have walked into the room and did a song and dance number and I doubt I would have noticed. In fact at some point, the radiologist was all of a sudden at my side, operating the x-ray machine to take images of my pelvic region as the dye was injected. Being male, normally I'm very shy and paranoid about being modest and ensuring I'm all covered, but by this point I was just wanting. it. to. end. (Plus I knew Michael had my back, lol.)

Apparently whenever the cervix is tampered with, immediate cramping can be triggered. Now obviously I do not know this from experience, but I'm guessing that what I felt was similar to early stages of labor, except that it wasn't letting up until she removed everything. Hence squeezing those rags. Oh and breathing. Slow deep breaths to try to force myself to relax despite the pain. The nurse had wonderful bedside manner, and kept checking on me and rubbing my shoulder and asking if I was okay. Her name was Mary. I love you, Mary!

The procedure part lasted about 10 minutes for me since she had to re-insert the catheter. It probably would have been a bit shorter otherwise. But once she removed everything, I felt much better, with only mild cramping and a feeling of being light-headed. So I remained lying down while Dr. H. showed me the x-ray image and reassured me that everything looked great, both tubes are open.

Sorry I don't have a picture of my uterus, but here's an example of what a "normal" HSG test looks like:

Michael and my mom said it was really neat to watch the x-ray images form a flipbook like video of the dye filling the uterus and going through the tubes and then exiting the tubes in a spiral cloud.

Dr. H. said that having this test can "flush out" my tubes, which can increase our fertility chances this month and told us "don't skip this month". ;)

If I do not get pregnant this month, then next month we plan to begin using a fertility drug.

Thank you again for your prayers and sweet messages on the 4th! Please continue to pray that we would be patient for God's timing, and that He would guide us to the best decision about what steps to take next. Thank you!

Latest Update and Prayer Requests

August through October are hereby declared the season of "Doctorall" in our household (or do you prefer "Doctorer" or "Doctoring" instead?)

Between the two of us, we have been (or will be) to the doctor:
August: 4 times
September: 6 times
October: 4 times (scheduled so far)


Keep in mind this is compared to the other typical months of the year:
Typically: 0 times

I don't want to do the math to figure out how much that is in co-pays...yikes, I did it anyway...geez

So here is the latest update on us:

----------------------------------------------

Completed Appointments:
August 2 -- My annual checkup with my primary care physician, Dr. S., and to get a renewed progesterone cream prescription. He also ordered a blood test for me to check CBC (complete blood count) and progesterone levels again.

August 21 -- Unrelated to infertility, I had a cyst removed from my scalp. Fun, let me tell you...but Dr. S. did a great job, and thankfully there is no bald spot. I've since gotten a haircut to celebrate:

For those who haven't seen it yet...I got the length of it trimmed, the front angled, and now have side swept bangs instead of no bangs.

August 24 -- Fasting blood draw that Dr. S. ordered from the August 2nd appointment. This was on my cycle day 23 of 28 (optimal time to check progesterone levels). All CBC blood work was normal, except for a very slight vitamin D deficiency, so I've added that to the bunches of pills I swallow every day. :)
And I was so excited because my progesterone was 15.5!! (Previously in the 7-9 range)

August 29 -- Went to have my stitches removed, and could finally scratch my head normally. Hey, small things make a big difference, okay?

September 4 -- Another U.T.I. and so you know what that means...more Adventures of Peeing in a Cup!

September 5 -- Michael had a fasting CBC blood draw appointment.

September 10 -- Eye appointment. All looked great, and I was fitted with a trial pair of contacts to see if I can switch from Acuvue 2 to Air Optix Aqua.

September 13 -- Follow up eye appointment. Couldn't see as well, so he increased the prescription slightly to the really poor mild amount of -8.00 and -7.50 contacts (my natural eyesight is so good, that without the contacts, I couldn't make out the big E until I was inches away)...but at least I can see 20/10 with the contacts!

September 19 - A doctor appointment with my OB/GYN, Dr. H. This appointment was meant to be a discussion on the next plan of action to take (additional tests, procedures, etc.) and to discuss our options. I really love Dr. H. She is so nice. And what I love most is that she is not pushy at all. And when I say not pushy, I mean she says things like "Well, here are your options [lists them], but I just don't know what you guys feel is right for you..." It's so refreshing to hear a doctor say stuff like that.

So the consensus is that we have two options from here:

1. Continue down the road of diagnostic testing (try to find a problem to explain why we haven't conceived); or 
2. Begin basic fertility assistance treatments (drugs, IUI, IVF). 

After discussing the fine details of our particular situation, Michael and I feel like the best option at this point is to have one more diagnostic test done called an HSG test that will check to see if my fallopian tubes are open or blocked. It's not a very comfortable test from what I've been told. They insert a tube into your cervix, and then inject x-ray visible dye through the tube, then immediately x-ray your abdominal cavity to watch how the dye moves through the uterus and (hopefully) out both tube openings near the ovaries.

Dr. H. doesn't think there's any reason my tubes would be blocked, but the reason Michael and I (and Dr. H. agrees) want to just be sure my tubes aren't blocked is because we feel ready to take the next step under option 2) -- Clomid drug.

So if you recall from a previous post referring to a doctor's visit in the summer of 2011, Clomid was the drug that my first OB/GYN doctor wanted to put me on, but I didn't feel comfortable at that time because Clomid is a drug meant to stimulate ovulation. But at that time, I knew from my cycle tracking that I was already ovulating (and this fact was confirmed via vaginal ultrasounds with Dr. H. later). But Dr. H. thinks that even though I'm ovulating regularly, it might be a good first drug to start with because it may cause multiple eggs to be released, which might increase our "normal chances" each cycle. (So instead of us, say, having an average chance of 5% of conception, we may have 10%...just made those numbers up as an example.)

She also said that Clomid has been around for a long time (50 years) and that it's the cheapest fertility drug you can get. (There are injection type drugs that costs hundreds/month.) But, using Clomid is pointless if your tubes are blocked because there would be no way for the sperm to meet the egg no matter how many eggs there are, hence why we want to be certain my tubes aren't blocked before paying for and using Clomid.

The positives of using Clomid:

• 45% of couples using Clomid get pregnant within 6 cycles (they recommend not using Clomid for more than 6 cycles) 
• It tricks your brain into thinking it hasn't produced enough estrogen, so your body kicks it into overdrive to make more estrogen (estrogen is what makes cervical mucus and stimulates egg production)
• Since I've been low in cervical mucus production, there's a chance my body may produce even more (hopefully)

But the negative side effects are:

• Clomid can cause your body to make hostile cervical mucus - obviously not what I want, but they say that this risk is greater for higher doses (I'll be starting on a low dose) 
• 10% chance of twins (although I would love to suddenly have two children instead of zero, twins create a complicated and potentially dangerous pregnancy)
• Headaches 
• Nausea 
• Blurred vision 
• Breast tenderness 
• Hot flashes 
• Mood swings 

Again, these are more likely to happen with higher doses, so hopefully I won't experience any of them. I also plan to use ovulation predictor pee sticks to facilitate our timing of intercourse, just in case the Clomid dries my cervical mucus to where I can't tell when I ovulate (since I don't track my temperatures anymore, I've only been watching my cervical mucus to determine when I'm about to ovulate).

September 20 -- Michael's annual appointment with Dr. S. to discuss the results of his blood draw from September 5. Overall his CBC looked great, just a slightly high cholesterol level. Dr. S. recommended we eat a wheat-free diet, which we are now moving towards. I may blog about this later because it's a lengthy topic on its own. :)

Upcoming Appointments:
September 27 -- Vet appointment. Obviously this doesn't involve us or infertility, but I just wanted you all to know that our pet children are getting the care they need. :)

October 3 -- Urology appointment for me. I've contracted 3 U.T.I.'s in the past year, and since the usual tips to avoid getting them have not been helping me, they want me to see a urologist to make sure there isn't some other reason I might be prone to getting them all of a sudden. (These 3 have been the only 3 U.T.I.'s I've ever had.)

October 4 -- HSG test to check my fallopian tubes.

October 10 -- Dermatology appointment to check possible skin allergies. Over the past 6 months or so (not really sure when I finally thought that it was strange), I've been getting very short-term (15-20 minutes) raised bumps along my jaw line that itch like crazy for a little bit and then disappear. I can't tie it to a particular product or food or anything because it also happens on days I don't wear anything on my face, eat different foods, and it happens at different times of day. Sometimes once a day, sometimes several times in one day. Maybe stress-related? I hope whatever it is would be easily identified and treated if necessary.

October 30 -- Dentist appointments. Unrelated to infertility, but still good to have done. Gotta maintain those purrty smiles! :)

Prayer Requests:

• Urology appointment - that the results would be favorable, no serious cause for frequent U.T.I.'s. Or better yet, that I would simply stop getting them, period! (And while you're at it, you could pray that I'd stop getting periods for nine months...thanks!)
• HSG test - I'm a little nervous about this test, because I tend to get a little squeamish when it comes to medical procedures, and this one does not sound like your ordinary OB/GYN checkup. As my mother can confirm, my first gynecology appointment at 18 years old was traumatic for me. I literally fainted. And this procedure is going to feel "uncomfortable" she said, and she also suggested I take 3 ibuprofens about an hour beforehand. So your prayers about this procedure for me to be calm and tough it out would be much appreciated. Dr. H. was wonderful in explaining all the details I can expect to happen that day, which brings me a lot of comfort that she takes the time to tell me everything. Also please pray for the result to be favorable (tubes would be open).
• And the usual prayer request - For us to have patience and strength to wait for God's perfect timing and plan to unfold.

So that's where we're at. We both feel excited about this next step for some reason (trying Clomid). I'm surprised, especially because we both were so resistant to using Clomid back when my first doctor prescribed it last summer. My hope (not having expectations) is that God knew we needed to go through this past year of growing in Him, faith, and our marriage and that's why He didn't let us feel peace about Clomid the first time, but now we do. I know I definitely needed to learn that I cannot control everything, because there will always be some things that are simply out of our control. Creating a life is one of them. We are both so thankful for all of the humility and wisdom God has taught us through this, and we greatly appreciate your love, prayer, and support. This journey would be much more difficult to bear without it. Truly, we thank you!

Love & Hope,
Christine

Milestones

Several friends have reached out to us lately, to express their love and support and to let us know they are thinking of and praying for us. We are so thankful for each and every one of you!

This journey is not an easy one. I would imagine that any journey that involves a long period of waiting can start to feel very challenging as time continues to move on without an answer as to when the waiting will end. Singleness is probably the best analogy to infertility. Or you could also think of it like a job that you're at, but you can't quit, get fired, or promoted...you're just stuck. Waiting, no matter what you're waiting for, can be incredibly hard to bear.

Our journey has felt like a long time, but I know there are so many others who have waited much, much longer than we have. I cannot imagine that, how much harder it must be for them.

The thing that has kept me going has been when God sends me little milestones along our path. Normally, milestones are equidistant markers to show progress through time or distance. But in our case, they are markers of thankfulness for this journey we're on and they have come in unequal intervals along this path.



When we first started trying to conceive, it was the starting line of this journey. I remember feeling so much excitement that we made that decision, and were ready to begin the next chapter of our lives - parenthood. The first few months were full of slight disappointments, uncertainty, and the beginnings of doubt.

I wonder how much longer it will take for me to get pregnant? Could there be something wrong? Surely not...we're both healthy and young. Did I do something to cause this? Did we wait too long?

Then I noticed my heart starting to get more sensitive. The thickness of my skin decreased. Every little comment and remark related to pregnancy and children would register easily with me. No pregnant woman or infant within a quarter-mile radius escaped my notice.

Then in the summer of last year, I received some slightly disappointing news from the doctor about one of my blood tests (that my progesterone levels were too low). Even though this is not much of a concern anymore, at the time, it was my first milestone. It was the moment where I broke down before God and realized that everything related to conception, apart from having an intimate relationship with my husband, was completely out of my control, and that I had been desperately and sinfully clinging to all forms of control I could get my hands on. This milestone and very valuable life lesson was the first marker of thankfulness that I experienced about this journey. I was thankful to have learned that I needed to give all control to the Lord. That I needed to stop assuming that my plans mattered more than God's plans.

A second milestone was within our marriage. This milestone was placed very shortly after the first because they went hand in hand. I realized that I had started viewing sex with my husband as just a necessity to procreate, and less on the expression of intimacy and love in our marriage. My former attitude had resulted from my sinful desperation to maintain control over the situation. But with this second milestone, I realized I owed Michael a big apology for taking all the fun out of the bedroom. He was gracious enough to forgive me. At that time, I made a commitment to fully turn our lovemaking over to the Lord, by praying that Michael would initiate sex during my fertile window, and if he didn't, then I wasn't going to initiate it because I didn't trust myself to not have the wrong motives. We have since reached a healthy balance, but this milestone was very necessary at the time, and I was again thankful for our infertility because it helped me to truly appreciate my man instead of just his seed :)

The third milestone resulted from my reaching out to others about my struggle. I began to share publicly that we were hoping for children, and that we were experiencing some emotional difficulties in waiting. The return of prayer support and encouragement from friends was amazing. Again making me thankful to have experienced infertility. I also started meeting others who struggle with infertility, which allows us to share a very special bond.

The fourth milestone occurred at the end of the summer. Michael and I had previously declined to lead the Newlywed/Young Married class at church because we had expected to begin a family. But the opportunity again presented itself at the end of the summer in 2011, and we felt like perhaps God wanted us to serve in that way before we became parents.

The fifth milestone was on September 1, 2011. My first doctor's appointment with Dr. S. You can read about it here. Great doctors are a joy to find.

The sixth milestone occurred in November when a friend who formerly struggled with infertility told me that because of my advice, she gave up control to the Lord and repented of her bitterness, and lo and behold, she became pregnant the next month. Not that I really had anything to do with her conception, but it greatly encouraged my heart that I'm on this path for a bigger reason. For a God-given reason.

The seventh milestone was on December 1, 2011. My first doctor's appointment with Dr. H. Again, great doctors are a blessing to find, and my appointment with her was awesome. She also followed up with me on December 29th and confirmed that everything appears to be functioning and looking normally.

The eighth milestone also occurred in December 2011. I started this blog and began finding other inspiring infertility blogs out there that really spoke hope and encouragement to my heart. I felt the Lord leading me to share my thoughts about infertility to hopefully help others on this journey. I never would have had that opportunity if I hadn't experienced infertility. It made me thankful.

The ninth milestone also occurred in December when we decided it was time to tell our families that we were struggling with infertility. This resulted in us feeling much closer to family, which made me incredibly thankful.

March 2012 marked the tenth milestone for me with the first meeting of Hope Does Not Disappoint. I again felt thankful because I felt the Lord reassuring me that all this pain I've been feeling has a big purpose in His ultimate plan, that He's doing lots of good through it.

I went downhill a bit since then, struggling back and forth with uncertainty of what to do, how to move forward, weariness from this journey. It became difficult to experience a thankful attitude because I just wanted the pain to end. So my most recent (eleventh) milestone happened only in the past two weeks, and it was in the context of our marriage again. There was a particular issue that has been a source of pain in our relationship for our entire marriage and much of our dating years. But just recently, Michael and I were able to communicate our feelings effectively and experience great healing that was so very needed. It was so beautiful to see that happen in our relationship. I know for a fact that had we not been on this infertility path, it would have been years and years from now before we would have experienced this healing, so it made me the most thankful I've ever been for infertility.

That's the funny thing about milestones for me. Each milestone is like hitting the reset button in my heart. I'll be trucking along, starting to get really weighed down by hopelessness, and then boom, I run straight into a milestone that God puts in my path that wakes me up and makes me realize that I don't regret a single minute of the pain we've been experiencing. The glory and beauty of each milestone greatly outshines the pain that's behind it in the past. It makes me truthfully say that I'm glad for every minute we've struggled, because I'm glad to have learned what we've learned and be where we are right now, this minute.

So if you're praying for us, please just pray that God will get us through the rest of this journey and guide us every step of the way. We desire His will and timing to be done, so we just ask that He prepare us for that plan of His. And maybe pray that in the meantime, God will put many milestones in our path to continue to help remind us to be thankful for it. Thank you all so much!

Lucky Number 8.5

I have a praise to share!

On March 2nd I had my blood tested for the second time to see what my progesterone level is (it was my cycle day 22). Dr. H. herself called me this past Friday to tell me the result, that my progesterone looked normal, at 8.5. (The first time I had it tested in summer 2011 with my former OB/GYN it was 7. Then I went to Dr. S. who put me on daily progesterone cream to help supplement my low level.) According to the medical profession, a mid-luteal progesterone level for non-pregnant women is about 8-10, so I'm in the normal range now.

This result was encouraging to hear. However, this also means that there is still no medical explanation for our lack of conceiving children.

But I'm okay with that. I'm thankful that everything in our bodies appears to be healthy and working properly. So perhaps there is only a spiritual explanation for our situation - that the Lord is still wanting to grow us during this time, and that He is still using us as pre-parents to serve His kingdom, so our time of waiting isn't "done yet". We still feel at peace with waiting, and not pursuing any medical options (IUI, etc.).

Our prayer requests:
*Endurance through waiting
*Patience for God's plan, whenever it will unfold
*Be open to God's will, whatever it may be and however it unfolds
*Inextinguishable hope and joy, especially when tempted with doubts, fears, and worries
*Purposefulness during this time of waiting

Thank you all for your love and support!

Good News

As I mentioned in a previous post, I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. H. scheduled for the 28th to do another ultrasound and help us plan the timing a bit better. Well, the appointment was rescheduled to the 29th because Dr. H. had to go to the hospital for a delivery, but it worked out better for me anyway.

She did another ultrasound, which by the way, both ultrasounds were done vaginally...have you ever seen what they use to do that? It's a little intimidating, but after experiencing it, it's no big deal and is more comfortable than the speculum, a.k.a. the dreaded duck beak.

Anyways, the ultrasound showed images of my uterus and ovaries, and according to Dr. H., everything "looks great." She informed me that I will ovulate on the left side again this month (it's a myth that you alternate ovaries each month) and that according to the size of the egg's cyst in the left ovary (20 mm), I was likely to ovulate that evening or the next day, so timing sex that evening would be ideal. Good to know ;)

I was so thankful that Michael was able to come with me this time and meet Dr. H. as well and be there for the ultrasound. We both feel confident that at this time, we should just keep trying the old fashioned way, and focus on growing our faith in the Lord for now. Lord willing, we'll successfully conceive without additional medical help.

If you feel led, I'd appreciate prayer for me to keep my focus on the Lord and my husband, and that I would enjoy this time of waiting prior to children, and would have a heart full of joy and thankfulness as I practice being patient. Thank you!

About Us

Welcome! This blog is a means to help me as I traverse the path of unexplained infertility (and now adoption), but unlike some blogs out there, I am dedicated to keeping God in the center of this journey. If I did not have my faith in Jesus Christ, I know that I would be a bitter, angry, and depressed woman and wife. So if you don't want to hear about how God has moved in my life through this trial, how much I depend on His love, strength, and power, then please move on to a different blog that is more suited for you.

I firmly believe that with God, nothing is impossible, and as a result that is where my hope is grounded. It's a hope that I pray is never quenched or weakened. It's a hope that gets me through the low points. It's a hope that does not disappoint in the end because I know that God is causing all things to work out for the good of His glory and will. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me. And if you are reading this and are struggling to grow your family as well, I would love to have a chance to pray for you and help one another through this journey.

Here is the background of our story: Michael and I have been married since May 2007. On December 4, 2010, we decided to begin trying to start a family. I'm a planner, and had high expectations that we would get pregnant right away, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning. But to my surprise, we did not get pregnant.

At first I did not track much about my cycle, but after 3-4 months of no success, I jumped into Control Mode and learned all about how to track and chart your fertility cycles (using the Fertility Awareness Method, or FAM for short). At the 8-month mark, we had routine blood work and other testing done. Michael's semen analysis was "good" and all my blood work was "normal," except that I learned that I have low progesterone levels (despite a normal luteal phase length).

It was at this point, that I finally learned to surrender to the Lord and let Him lead this endeavor. I realized how much I had been trying to control. Everything from what food I was eating, lubricant we were using, position we were...doing, the timing of sex, etc. As if I thought I had the power to create life! I confessed my controlling heart, and made a personal commitment to give this desire over the Lord and to trust His timing, not mine.

My OB/GYN at the time took my low progesterone level to mean that I was not ovulating and wanted to prescribe me Clomid. I tried to explain that I didn't believe that was the case because I tracked my temperature and cervical fluid (sometimes I refer to this as cervical "stuff" since the hubby doesn't like the word fluid/mucus, lol). I also told her I didn't feel comfortable using an ovulatory drug right off the bat, and would prefer to first try supplementing the low progesterone level, then go from there. My requests were not well received.

After prayer, we made the decision to not see her again and take a month off to wait until September 1st when my insurance would switch back to my previous provider. We felt led to go see our previous family doctor, who attends our church: Dr. S. Being the planner I am, I made a 7:40AM appointment on the 1st - no waiting around people!

Michael was able to attend with me and Dr. S. even prayed over us at the end. He also prescribed me a topical progesterone cream to help supplement my low levels.

As December 2011 was approaching, I knew it was time to schedule my annual OB/GYN appointment. Not wanting to take control of this, I did a quick search of all the OB/GYN's in my insurance provider's network and scheduled an appointment with a doctor. But I kept hearing conflicting opinions from friends about who I should see, with one friend telling me that Dr. S. recommends a particular OB/GYN doctor, Dr. H. I realized as I was praying one night that it was silly for me to worry and fret about what doctor to see, and instead prayed for a clear sign if I should switch my appointment to see Dr. H. instead. The sign I prayed for was to see or hear the name Amy the next day (Dr. H.'s first name is Amy).

Lo and behold, God has a lovely sense of humor. As Michael and I were driving to church the next morning, we were behind a car for several miles that had a "Vote for Amy" bumper sticker. The funny thing was that I did not remember my prayer in that moment - it wasn't until I was talking to a friend after church that it hit me, and I just felt so much awe and wonder that God had so faithfully and specifically answered that prayer. (And my friend wondered why I suddenly had zoned out.) So the next day, I called and switched my appointment to Dr. H.

My appointment with Dr. H. was also wonderful. It turns out that she also goes to our church (perhaps a reason why Dr. S. recommends her), but more than that she was so kind and encouraging. She looked at all my records and told me she's confident that I'm ovulating regularly, but wanted to take a peek via ultrasound to make sure everything else is looking good. I never thought I would get an ultrasound unless I was pregnant, but I was so thankful for her attentiveness and wanting to check things out (without charging for the ultrasound). She confirmed that my uterus and lining look great (no polyps or fibroids). She also confirmed that I do not have PCOS, and that "it looks like you ovulated on the left side this month". I can't tell you how excited that made me since I had felt twinges of pain on the left side that month. It was like confirmation that "Yes, your body does work properly." She encouraged me to continue trying the old fashioned way, but that if I desired to, there are next-step options. She also wanted me to come back for another ultrasound just before I ovulated the next cycle to help us plan the timing better. My appointment for this was on the 29th of that month. She again confirmed that everything looks great, and that I'm ovulating.

Soon after this appointment, I realized that tracking my temperature everyday was only causing me to stress about the finest details, so I made the decision to no longer track it. How refreshing and relaxing it has been since I made that decision! I continued to use the progesterone cream until December 2012 (I'll fill in some details in between next).

On September 19, 2012, I had another appointment with Dr. H. to discuss my next-step options. She basically said we have two routes to take: continue down the diagnostic path or begin infertility treatments. She is a really nice doctor, because instead of telling you what to do, she gives you the option (all doctors are supposed to give you the option, but many come across as being pushy). We took some time to discuss and pray about this decision, and we decided for me to have an HSG test done to check if my fallopian tubes were open or blocked. Assuming they were open, we would then begin using Clomid the following cycle.

My HSG test was on October 4, 2012 and thankfully the results were good - both tubes open and looked great. The test itself was akin to being abducted by aliens (or so I would imagine), but I made it through it, and am thankful for the good news.

We used Clomid for one cycle in November, but decided to discontinue using it. Why? Read on...

In September, we watched a documentary called Forks Over Knives. It recommends that everyone eat a whole foods, plant-based diet in order to achieve optimal health, prevent many common health conditions, and even reverse certain conditions already plaguing your body. As researchers by day, we greatly appreciated the mountain of scientific evidence presented in the documentary that supports their recommendations. At the end of the movie, we turned to one another and both said, "Let's try this!"

Then we watched a special feature on the DVD, consisting of some deleted scenes when the film crew was interviewing Dr. Pam Popper of the Wellness Forum. In her interview, she spoke about how eating an animal-based diet can negatively affect so many aspects of your body, including hormones, and how she has had hundreds of clients come to her with unexplained infertility or other infertility issues and has helped each of them structure their diet so that they were able to conceive a child. We turned to one another again, and realized that we now had even more reason to try this new diet.

Now, when I say "diet," I do not mean a temporary eating plan to achieve a fitness or weight loss goal. I mean our everyday, rest of our lives kind of diet. Our daily diet. Our new way of nourishing our bodies.

We began this diet on October 28, 2012. We also became members of Dr. Popper's Wellness Forum, which comes with a wonderfully informative Wellness 101 course packet and DVD. It's like drinking from a fire hose at first, but it is so clear, convicting, and compelling. Our new diet is discussed in further detail here.

For us, it's like James 4:17 - now that we have learned the right way to treat and nourish our bodies, we cannot simply turn our backs on this information, because it would be as if we were intentionally not honoring the temples God has given us, which is sinful. Looking back, it is so clear to us that God was taking steps, leading us and preparing us to the point of watching this movie and being open to the idea of radically changing the way we eat and live. Our former selves would never have been ready for this. Had we never struggled with infertility, we never would have had an interest in making such drastic changes. This diet is certainly not the path of least resistance, because in our culture, it can be challenging to choose healthy foods when so many unhealthy foods are always presented. This diet takes planning, commitment, and self-motivation to stick with it. But for us, it is worth it completely because we both feel and look so much healthier than when we began.

Continuing with our lifestyle changes, we had a phone consultation with Dr. Popper on December 6, 2012 -- just over two years after we first decided to start a family. This consultation was such a blessing, and I have never felt so much peace from the Lord. It was so clear to me that we are on the right path, and this is what God wants us to do right now. Focus on improving our health and waiting patiently for His timing.

During the consultation, Dr. Popper asked me a few background questions about my female history, and based on my answers (painful menstrual cramps, heavy bleeding, migraines, etc.), she said all my symptoms are indicative of having too high estrogen levels, which happens with an animal-based diet (dairy). This would explain why my progesterone levels were low, and why using the topical cream would provide some relief from my symptoms. She said that having begun this new diet, I am well on my way to balancing out my hormones naturally. (Using topical progesterone cream, or Clomid, was treating the symptom, not the root cause.) She said it could take years for my hormones to completely level out, so she recommended not worrying about actively trying to conceive for a while and just focus on our health. She said I should first notice that my menstrual cramps diminish significantly, and eventually I should notice my periods getting lighter and shorter and my cycle lengths getting a bit longer.

The first period I had after stopping all hormone supplementation was one that was free of PMS, menstrual cramps, and headaches. It was so encouraging to see the things she said should happen actually happen!

So at this time, I'm hoping that I will continually be more relaxed about everything, and continue to improve my overall health through diet and exercise. And of course I hope that if the Lord wills, hopefully one day I'll wake up and be pregnant.

In the fall of 2013, the Lord moved in our hearts to begin the journey of adoption. We realized that a biological child is no better/worse than a child we receive through adoption - they would each be our child (or on loan from heaven). Once we felt that conviction, we started the process. We're currently waiting to receive the baby that God will choose to be our own. We pray for his/her birth parents because we love them and know that their incredible sacrifice will one day be one of the greatest gifts we will ever receive.

Before I close this first blog post, I just want to also discuss how I've seen the Lord move in our lives. There have been several things that I consider blessings as a result of infertility:

• First and foremost, my relationship with the Lord has grown tremendously as I've learned how to completely depend on Him. He is my rock and strength, and I would be lost without Him. My prayer life has also grown exponentially.
• Our marriage has grown stronger. When we first started trying, Michael wasn't too thrilled about having kids. He was sort of giving in to my desire, and was more or less indifferent. As it didn't happen right away and I began to struggle with the pain of it, he didn't understand at first and wasn't as sensitive or supportive as I needed. It probably didn't help that I was still in Control Mode and demanding sex everyday during my fertile window without regard for his feelings. Ladies, don't put so much pressure on your men - it's not easy for them to feel like they're being used for their...seed. But as I learned to put God back in the center, Michael changed dramatically. He strongly desires to be a father soon, and shares my pain with me. He is so sensitive and supportive. I am SO thankful to have him as my partner through this. God is my rock and strength, but Michael is the physical presence that I get to hug and cry with whenever I need it. I love him so much more every day as we go through this together. I'm so glad we didn't get pregnant right away because we would not be as close as we are today.
• I'm so thankful for all of our friends who continue to pray for us and encourage us. I'm also thankful for the friends we know who have struggled or are currently struggling with infertility because we have learned much from them. As painful of a trial it is, that I wouldn't wish on anyone, it's nice to realize you're not alone. So far from alone!
• We're thankful for our family who also has been loving and supportive through this. We waited a while to tell them because we were still hoping we'd get pregnant soon, but we decided it might be best to tell them so they know where we're at emotionally.
• If we had gotten pregnant right away, we would not have had the opportunity to lead our Sunday School class for the newlywed and young married couples at our church. We were asked to lead a few months before we began trying, but at that time we knew it wouldn't be too much longer before we started trying for a family, so we declined. But as months and months passed without getting pregnant, a second opportunity to lead came up, and after prayerfully considering it, we accepted since we felt led to not let this time of "waiting" be wasted. We felt led to dedicate this time to growing our marriage and ministry together and enjoy the time of "just us" before children. We led this ministry for another year, before deciding to move on to a different ministry: helping others improve their overall health through diet and exercise. We are still in the early stages of this, so I don't have much else to add here yet.
• I'm also thankful that we didn't get pregnant right away because I would have never met my present OB/GYN, Dr. H. Now hopefully, if I do get pregnant, I would love for her to deliver our children.
• I'm thankful that I wasn't pregnant while we went through the adventure of building our first home. Some people say building a home together is a great way to ruin a marriage, but that was not our experience. Stressful at times? Certainly. But we greatly enjoyed designing the plans, picking the fine details, and watching it form before our eyes. We also dedicated this house to God by writing scripture on the framed walls (before they put up drywall). So now it's reassuring to know that in our bathroom (where I take my pregnancy tests and experience monthly disappointments), I have lyrics from John Waller's "While I'm Waiting" song, and James 1 encouraging me to consider it all joy when I encounter various trials.
• We have learned how sensitive of an issue this is. We used to haphazardly ask people, "So...when are you planning to have kids??" Having now been on the receiving end of that question, I realize just how personal that question is. It really makes you think twice before prying into others' lives.
• We've also learned how to be thankful and grateful for what we DO have instead of focusing on what we don't have. There is always something to be thankful for. You just have to CHOOSE to dwell on that. (Philippians 4:8)
• Furthermore, we have learned to be thankful for every trial and period of suffering...even while still in the midst of it. God's light seems the brightest when you're surrounded by darkness. It's been a growing experience to seek a joyful heart even when we're hurting.
• I'm in awe at how the Lord is using my painful trial to further His kingdom. God has led me to write many of the posts on this blog, and it seems to find its way into other's hands who are struggling with infertility. I pray that anyone who reads this blog will feel encouraged and full of hope.
• We are so thankful for infertility opening our hearts and minds to trying a whole foods, plant based diet. It has dramatically improved our health and we now plan to raise our family with this way of eating.
• We are also amazed at how God used our infertility to completely open our hearts to the idea of adoption. Being perfectly honest, we never once considered adopting a child. We were totally the "Oh, that's so nice [for you]!" type of people. That just goes to show you how powerful God is and how His will cannot be stopped. We now hope and pray that we can grow our family through pregnancy someday AND adoption - and we're currently pursuing adoption first! We are SO excited to become parents, and hopefully soon!

Thank you for stopping by my blog, and I pray that the Lord would bless you in your family planning endeavors!

Romans 5:3-5
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.