Friday, March 25, 2011

Go Back to Start


Well, it's day 2 of  a new cycle...
I made it until day 32 to take a pregnancy test and it was negative. But, my temperatures kept staying up there, and my period had not started. I even saw some spotting on day 33, which was 14 days past ovulation, which isn't unheard of for implantation bleeding. The spotting cleared up for another 2 days, and I kept thinking I was experiencing symptoms (sensitivity to smells, tender breasts). I took a second test on day 36 (which turned out to be day 1 because I started my period later that day) and it was negative of course. I finally saw my temperature lower slightly on this day and sure enough I started. In summary, 35 day cycle, ovulation on day 19 (I think), and 16 day luteal phase.

"Sorry, go back to start!" Just like the board game, SORRY, I felt like I was almost home but got jumped on at the last minute before entering the safe zone (they say if your luteal phase is over 16 days long, you are likely pregnant). Of course in reality, there was no fertilized egg, so I really wasn't that close to anything, it just felt that way to me during the 2+ week wait.

Like I said before, though, a new beginning is also a good thing because with every unsuccessful cycle that passes, I learn something new. From this past cycle, I learned that I have a healthy luteal phase length that should be able to allow enough time for implantation if a fertilized egg is present. I also learned by looking back at my notes that we need to really time sex well and I need to drink a lot more water than I have been. I've always been a little bad about drinking the "right" amount of water every day...sometime less than 2 cups for the whole day, including exercise that day. I know, it's bad. Well, I noticed that I had several days this past cycle that I described my cervical stuff as white and sticky, but very stretchy. It dawned on me that maybe that is supposed to be obvious fertile eggwhite fluid, but it's too thick because my body doesn't have enough water. So, I'm being diligent so far about getting at least 8 cups a day, more if I can help it. Hopefully that will help. Also this upcoming cycle, I will be temping and actively recording cervical fluid and sensations according to the Fertility Awareness Method. I hope to learn even more this month!

Lord, no matter what the result of this new cycle is, I will praise You. Please give me patience and strength  to wait for Your will and timing, and not expect my own.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Oh the Uncertainty

The lovely two week wait is nearing an end, which is both good and bad (or has been so far). It's bad because so far every month we've tried, I'm greeted with Aunt Flow, which is a big red slap in the face that "Nope, didn't happen!"

It's good because it's like a fresh start where I can at least know for sure yes or no. I can take a deep breath and start looking back over my notes from the past cycle and see if maybe we could have done anything differently. It's a reminder to lean on God and have faith that this too shall pass and one day I will hold my child in my arms and raise him/her to love the Lord. It is also a good thing because all of the guessing games come to a temporary end. No more questioning every little thing I think I feel going on in my body (was that a cramp? a twinge? are my boobs actually sore?)

But at this moment, I am still uncertain. I don't see any clear symptoms of being pregnant or not. I just have
hope. "Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." - Hebrews 11:1
An update on my cycle:
I'm on day 28. Assuming my non-BBT thermometer is decently accurate, my temperature has not begun to drop yet. I think I ovulated on day 19, so it's good news that my period hasn't shown up yet because that would be too short of a luteal phase. Hopefully if I'm not pregnant, it won't show up until day 32 like a normal luteal phase should be (14 days).

Unlike previous cycles, I'm not worrying about pregnancy tests. I ran out last month and have not purchased more yet. I decided to wait at least until day 31 (Saturday) to test and try to be relaxed about it all.

Good or bad, at least I'll know for certain soon enough!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Temp Fast!

I bought a thermometer the other day because I decided I just couldn't decipher the random pattern of observing cervical stuff, so I wanted to have a second set of data to be able to analyze and better determine when I ovulate.

Of course as soon as I get home I take the thermometer out of the packaging, clean it, and then start playing with it to see how consistent it is. The next morning I record a low temp of 96.4 (which, I must ask, is it normal to have one that low??). Then later that morning at work, I start surfing websites about temping (to see if other women have such low temps ever) and I read that actually I was supposed to buy a special thermometer - a BBT thermometer - which is not what I purchased (and stuck in my mouth several times)...oh well. Hopefully this regular thermometer will still serve the same purpose...

Something wonderful happened this past best friend and I were talking about a common friend and her struggles with infertility, and I guess I sounded very knowledgeable about the topic, so she point blank asked me, "So, are you two trying?" Woah, that caught me off guard. No one has ever asked flat out like that. They normally hint at it like "So, do you think you guys might try soon?" That one is easy to dodge. But my best friend asked it straight. I couldn't (and honestly part of me didn't want to) lie to her. I told her yes. So she is now the only one besides the hubby and me who know of our attempts at trying to get pregnant. The great thing? It was such a relief to talk to a female friend about it!! I love my hubby and he's a wonderful (and patient) listener, but it's just different being able to talk about this with her. And she also confided that she and her husband are also trying (technically, not trying, just have stopped preventing for a few months). I'm just glad someone else knows.

As for an update on my cycle...the day I recorded the 96.4 temp was cycle day 19. Later that evening, my cervical stuff was extremely watery and slippery and I felt a few sharp pains on my left side. That's the sign right? We had sex within 8 hours of that, so hopefully the timing was right. Seems kind of late in my cycle to be ovulating. Assuming my luteal phase is 14 days (which honestly, I have no idea if that's the case for me), that would put my expected period at March 21st. The last two mornings, my temp was 97.0 and 97.5, respectively. So I don't know if I just coincidently started temping right when my temp dropped (indication of ovulation) or whether it was a bad reading. Plus, keep in mind that you're not supposed to start temping in the middle of your cycle, but I'm impatient.

I guess we'll see in the next few weeks what happens!

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Give Me a "P"...P!

Three friends have announced they are pregnant since we've started trying (which was 3 months ago). And a couple friends I've asked how long they tried and they casually say "a month". It's a little irritating. A lot irritating. I know it's not normal to have luck on the first try, so I really should know better than to feel like there's something wrong with me. After all, their super fast success is much more rare according to statistics I've read. But still, part of me can't help but feel like I'm trying out for a cheerleading squad (had to pick a sport to go with my blog post title) and really, really, really want to make the team, but just can't. All while my friends around me barely practice for their tryout and then bam, they're on the team. My hubby reminds me that it's not a competition. He's completely right, and looking at it like a competition will only put me in a stressed out and negative mindset. Easier said than done though. That's one reason I started this blog was so I could vent about my feelings to get them out of my mind (hopefully). And of course, I really am happy for them and their blessed news. But at the same time, it just reminds me what I want and don't have. Lord, please help me reject these negative thoughts and not dwell on them. Help me to focus on You and keep faith and patience that someday (hopefully soon) it will be my time.

Cycle update: It's day 15 for me and we've Baby Danced every other day since day 7. My cervical stuff is somewhat confusing me this month, but that's how it's been for me every month so far. That's why we instituted the plan of having sex every other day during the mid-range of my cycle so that hopefully we'll catch the timing right and successfully conceive. I've been reading three different books and their sections on ways to tell if you're ovulating. They are all helpful, but then I find my mind playing tricks on me. (I think I feel a pain on my left my right side...I think my cervical stuff is ramping up toward day...why is it dry day...why is it ramping up again...) c.o.n.f.u.s.i.n.g.