Settled In

It was a sunny afternoon on December 4, 2010. We had just returned from a church social event, where a mutual friend/couple had brought her twin girls. They were so precious! She asked me to help feed one of her girls, and I sat in awe as I held this little girl and gazed into her eyes as she sipped from her bottle. I remember thinking, "I could totally get the hang of this." (I formerly had a fear that I wouldn't have a clue how to take care of a baby's needs.) Michael came over shortly after and held one of the girls. I remember thinking how much I loved that image of him - my handsome husband holding a tender, delicate little baby girl.

I had been talking for months with Michael about how I felt more and more comfortable with the idea of starting a family. So this afternoon, after having been around babies, of course the conversation went that way again. I shared my feelings and desires to become a mom, and after expressing some concerns about financial stability and how a baby would dramatically change our lives, Michael agreed that we could begin trying.

Hooray!!! It just so happened that I was scheduled to ovulate a couple days later. What perfect timing to get pregnant, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning! How did I ever get to be so lucky to have that timing work out so well.

After a few days of enjoying the "consequences" of the decision to start trying (hint hint), I began counting down the days until I could take a pregnancy test. I had everything planned perfectly...I went to the Dollar Store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Kudos to me for saving some money!

Finally the day arrived when I could take the test. Having never taken one before, I of course had to read the instructions to make sure I did everything right. Put a couple drops of urine on the strip, wait 3 minutes, and then let the celebrations begin!

2 minutes 55 seconds...
2 minutes 56 seconds...
2 minutes 57 seconds...
2 minutes 58 seconds...
2 minutes 59 seconds...
3 minutes!

Wait a second...what does one line mean? Only one baby?

Negative...

It's amazing how much one tiny pink line can impact one's emotions. And it's equally amazing how quickly your mind can be inundated with thoughts of doubt.

Is there something wrong with me? With Michael? Will we have a hard time getting pregnant?

A little disappointed, I brushed off those thoughts, and was determined to figure out this whole conception thing. Christmas came and went.

I remember sitting in bed talking with Michael on New Year's Eve. We were discussing our New Year's Resolutions. Michael's was to compete in an arm-wrestling tournament (which he did). I remember stating mine: "To become a mom."

Oh dear was I setting myself up for disappointment. To make that a resolution, or even a goal or accomplishment was so naive. I had yet to learn how little control a person has on the conception of a life.

Fast forward to today. It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 7 days since that decision was made. 829 days to be exact.

829 days of waiting. Of prayers and pleading. Of tears and broken dreams. But also of growth and character development. Renewed faith and neverending hope. God has completely transformed the both of us in these past 829 days. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually...we are forever changed. We have a new mindset and heart when it comes to children and the hope of having them someday.

I personally went through darkness and thankfully, emerged again into His light. I know that I did not always behave or react the right way during these past 829 days, but I have learned so many valuable lessons.

I'm at a point now where I feel very settled in. Infertility is the norm for me now. I don't mean that in a depressed way. More of a comfort level kind of way. I am so used to the process of trying, waiting, grieving, and trying again, that I feel like if things were to change, it might take me some time to get used to that change.

I've always been slow to change...it's just my personality type. When I make a plan, I get uncomfortable if the plan changes. I used to be a lot worse about that, but I've relaxed quite a bit thanks to infertility. But still, I'm comfortable with where I am now. The thought of getting pregnant is almost bringing back the same fears as before we started trying. Wow, could I really learn how to take care of another life?

I realized the other day after we listened to a conference call about pregnancy that the Wellness Forum hosted that I know nothing about pregnancy and labor. I mean, I know the basics of what goes in must come out, but I'm lacking the details of what happens throughout a pregnancy, the stages of labor, and what in the world you're supposed to do with a baby when you take it home (without an instruction manual)...that's really scary to me. I intentionally forbade myself from reading and learning about it in order to keep my expectations from getting out of hand. I also wanted to save something special for pregnancy. Because of that, I realized that if the Lord does allow us to become pregnant, we will be starting completely over from scratch. We will have a ton of research to do and things to learn and decide about. I already feel like I need to start taking some deep breaths to relax!

Sometimes I imagine what our lives will look like if the Lord does allow us to get pregnant. Would it really change our lives and daily routine all that much? What social norms am I comfortable with now and which am I uncomfortable with? Will I one day forget about this struggle and begin to take our child for granted? And here's my biggest question: Will I always feel that twinge in my stomach whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman, or does that go away? I have gotten so used to that twingy feeling that it's hard to believe it will disappear over night.

I'm just so thankful that no matter what changes occur in our lives, one thing will remain unchanged:

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Our lives could remain this way for even more years, or they could be thrown upside down with the blessing of a pregnancy. But God will always remain the same, forever the steady and peaceful presence by our side. Settled or unsettled, He is always with us. I'll close with a song I love that illustrates this point...enjoy!

There's Just Something About Seeing Two Lines on a Pee Stick

This is NOT a pregnancy test. It's an ovulation predictor test that measures the amount of luteinizing hormone (LH) in my urine.

Unlike a pregnancy test, where a positive result means that you see even a faint second line, an LH test is only positive if the second line is the same or darker than the control line.

When you're struggling with infertility, it's nearly impossible to not become obsessed with seeing two lines on a pee stick. You've been waiting and waiting, and in my case, have never seen two lines...always one. It can be crushing, just like starting your period. The only benefit to taking a pregnancy test is that you can plan the exact moment you'll find out the news of Yes/No, giving you a chance to prepare your heart properly to receive the news. I like to pray and listen to encouraging music right before testing.

There's such a longing to see two lines. To see that your body works "properly". To see that God has chosen to open your womb. To be free of this particular pain and begin the next chapter of your life. The next chapter won't be free of its own hurdles and pain, but there's a longing for something different. To move on. To not feel stuck and left behind any longer. Longing for a change.

So as silly as it may seem to some people not struggling with infertility, my seeing this positive LH test uplifts my spirits. My body produces something that's positive! And it makes me thankful that at least I'm ovulating regularly, something that other infertile women may not be experiencing. With so many opportunities to get discouraged, it's a breath of fresh air to receive positive results on whatever the test may be.

Master of My Own Bladder

For those that don't recall part of a previous post, I have this psychological battle with myself during the night, nearly every night. I've pasted the section from the previous post here:

You see, on a normal night, I have this psychological issue where if I wake up at all, I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm awake and that I could go pee if I tried. It's not that my bladder is full and that I NEED to go, it's just an awareness that my bladder isn't empty, which therefore makes me obsessed with that fact until I give up trying to go back to sleep and just get up and go. Silly? Yep. Just go back to sleep? I know, right? That does seem logical. Except that when I do that, and really, I have tried several times, I just end up DREAMING about going pee or having to go pee. It's a problem, I know. But at least I admit it...

I'm really not exaggerating how often this happens to me. There are nights when I feel very tired and would much rather just turn over and go back to sleep again instead of getting up to pee, but my mind will not allow it (the epitome of "mind over body" -- just not in a way that's helpful to me).

Well, lately this issue has increased in frequency because I've made a personal goal for myself to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, often times averaging around 75 ounces. It's been great making that a habit because I feel better, and know that it's good for my body. (I recently felt convicted about my need to increase my water intake due to the UTI I blogged about and pulled quad muscles that made me realize how much I took for granted being able to walk, let alone run.) The only downside to drinking so much water is that it means I'm making more trips to the bathroom each day, including at night because it takes some time for it exit my system even after I've stopped drinking at bed time. What used to be getting up once per night is now at least two or three times a night.

We've also been watching The Big Bang Theory for the first time (we bought the first four seasons), and let me tell you, this TV show will have you laughing yourself to tears with nearly every episode. So when I saw this scene in one of the episodes, I burst into laughter because I could so easily relate to that psychological battle about having to pee or not.

Just to set the context for this scene, Sheldon and Leonard's apartment had been robbed that day, and Sheldon was very scared that the burglars might return to finish them off.

The Adventures of Peeing in a Cup

The last time I blogged about this topic, it was in regards to taking a pregnancy test.

I'm...happy?...to say that this time, it is in regards to something else. Gimme a "U"! Gimme a "T"! Gimme a "I"! Put it together, and what do you get? U.T.I.!

Fine print: A U.T.I. may cause a sudden sense of panic when you realize that you've taken three trips to the bathroom in the past hour at work, and that you should probably go ahead and go submit a urine sample in case your nightmare is about to be realized...that you do in fact have a U.T.I. and since the lab closes at 4:30pm, you better leave work early. It may also cause a sense of urgency...not only in the need to urinate, but in your willingness to take any and all medication necessary to stop the BURNING and discomfort. Oh yeah, and a U.T.I. may also cause you to feel like your bladder hates you and has caught on fire, and that the insides of your urethra are lined with gasoline. Warning: Do not mix fire and gasoline.

So at the lab, they give you a cup to submit your urine sample in. They act like it's all discreet, but seriously, I'm pretty sure even a five-year-old is intelligent enough to figure out that a person carrying an empty cup into a bathroom is not trying to get a glass of water.

And they have the little "discreet" secret door in the wall where you leave your fresh sample for some technician to take out from the other side. There is nothing discreet about carrying a cup full of yellow liquid from the bathroom to this secret door.

But my favorite part of this process are the instructions in the bathroom stall:



To sum up the instructions, you must NEVER touch anything that is remotely close to the lid of the specimen container, and you need to have at least three hands to hold everything.

Thankfully, Dr. S. is super awesome, and he called me that same evening and prescribed me some antibiotics which started making me feel better the next morning, so all is well now. :)

Monthly Mourning

Today I had to meet a window installer at our home to install some blinds in our master bathroom. I had originally planned to wait until tomorrow morning to take a home pregnancy test (HPT), but I realized that maybe that's not the best time of day for me personally.

You see, on a normal night, I have this psychological issue where if I wake up at all, I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm awake and that I could go pee if I tried. It's not that my bladder is full and that I NEED to go, it's just an awareness that my bladder isn't empty, which therefore makes me obsessed with that fact until I give up trying to go back to sleep and just get up and go. Silly? Yep. Just go back to sleep? I know, right? That does seem logical. Except that when I do that, and really, I have tried several times, I just end up DREAMING about going pee or having to go pee. It's a problem, I know. But at least I admit it...

Moving on, so whenever I know that I'm planning to take a HPT the next morning, it compounds this psychological problem. You see, with a HPT, you're supposed to use the "morning's first urine" or urine that has been in your bladder for at least 4 hours. Specific instructions, huh? So whenever I do wake up at 3:00 AM, I'm met with a dilemma. First, we all know I'm going to go to the bathroom since I'm a freak and can't go back to sleep without dreaming about toilets. So does this count as my morning's first urine? When does morning start? Since I'm getting up in 3 hours, does that mean I have to wait an hour after I wake up to pee in the cup? So what usually happens is that I take the test at 3:00 AM and then go back to bed with sad, disappointing news (never gotten a positive result). And then that ruins my night's sleep.

So today, I spontaneously decided to just start testing when I'm awake. It's just better and easier all around, and I'm sure those instructions are just guidelines. Unfortunately, the test was negative today, but having this blog helps to release the sadness and mourn this month's loss. If any husbands of infertile wives are reading this, it's important for you to realize how much your wife may hurt at the end of her cycles each month. You probably don't think about being a parent as much or often as she does, let alone have to get slapped in the face by a bright red Aunt Flow every month. It's important to let her mourn that loss every month. The loss that her dream of becoming a mom will have to wait for a little longer.

Ladies, don't take this mourning overboard, but instead try to remember that with each new period is a new cycle. A new beginning. A renewed hope. I often remind myself during this time that God's plan is bigger and greater than my own, ultimately. It may be a long time before I see or understand that, but it's important to remember that it's not all about me. That my ultimate purpose on this earth is to bring glory to God, and as a result of reminding myself of that, I have been much more aware of how He has moved in my life. In a way, it's flattering to think that I'm special enough to endure a trial like this that can be used to help other women and bring glory to God. So if you're struggling too, take some comfort in that. Remember that God wouldn't let you endure anything that you aren't strong enough to handle, so look at how strong He must think you are! Here's to a new beginning!