I have struggled with jealousy for all my life. Blame it on being an only child, or simply the fact that I'm a regular, sinful, selfish human being...often times my first response to someone who has something that I want but don't have is a response of jealousy. This especially became a foothold for me when we first began struggling with infertility. It took every ounce of strength I possessed to not dwell on thoughts like this (and I often failed, allowing myself to stew in jealousy):
Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?
She's so ungrateful for being pregnant by complaining so often, it just makes me sick.
I bet I would handle that so much better than her.
It's so unfair that teenagers get pregnant all the time after "just once", yet I can't get pregnant at all!
And on and on...turning greener and greener by the minute.
As I learned to depend on the Lord, and give everything about this journey to Him, submitting to His and only His plan, it became easier for me to reject thoughts of jealousy. I still face many temptations to be jealous about others' pregnancies and children, but the more I focus my attention heavenward, the easier it gets to move past the narrow-focused thought of jealousy.
I still intentionally protect myself by setting boundaries that aid my ability to reject jealousy, such as refusing to attend all baby showers or visit newborns and new parents. I do this in the same way that a man who struggles with sexual purity might set a boundary by installing protective computer software or avoid seeing a movie with sexual content. It's only prudent to set yourself up for success rather than willingly entering a situation you know will lead you into temptation and struggle. But the greatest recipe for success is keeping your gaze focused on the Lord, pursuing Him actively.
Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
The Sarah's Laughter devotional below is a wonderful example of how jealousy, especially in the midst of infertility, can lead you away from the dream you so desperately long for. We infertile women must be extra cautious about the condition of our hearts. We must make every effort to not set ourselves against our husbands and begin a trend of instilling jealousy in our children. It does not mean you are not allowed to feel sadness and grief, but always viewing the world from the perspective of "what I'm not getting" is a selfish and narrow perspective to have. We must fix our eyes on the hope and plan God has for us.
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Rachel
was definitely one of us. She wanted a baby so badly, and it seemed
that nothing she tried worked. There is much we can learn as we examine
Rachel’s life. Just as Hannah gave us examples of how we should strive
to handle the heartache of infertility, Rachel gives us a crystal clear
look at what pitfalls we need to avoid as best we can.
Jealousy
was a major chapter in Rachel’s infertility story. Undoubtedly, the
most painful reminder of her infertility was her sister. Her sister who lived in her own house. Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant. Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant by Rachel’s husband.
I know it’s tough to be infertile in 2013, but most of us don’t have
pregnant siblings living with us who are carrying our spouse’s child!
Ugh!
Jealousy
was such a factor in Rachel’s heart that it is one of the themes that
Scripture shares with us about her life. She was so jealous of her
sister that it tainted everything she did, everything she said, and even
played a role in the naming of her children that God did eventually
grant her. Rachel’s jealousy didn’t go away when her children were
born. It colored her parenting and even affected her children
throughout their adult lives.
All
of us feel a twinge of jealousy when we see a pregnant woman or hear
someone our age announce their third pregnancy. Sometimes it’s more
than a twinge! Ask God to help you with this hurtful emotion when
jealousy begins to rear its ugly head. Don’t let your infertility story
be written by jealousy’s hand.
There
is no doubt that Rachel was consumed by baby hunger. She was also
consumed by rage. She was so angry that she couldn’t conceive and her
anger spilled over into her relationships. In Genesis 30:1, we see her
snipping at her husband. Chances are, it wasn’t the first argument
they’d ever had regarding her inability to conceive. “Give me children, or else I die!” What was her husband, Jacob’s response? Then Jacob’s anger burned against Rachel...(Genesis
30:2). No wiping her tears. No strong shoulder to lean on. Rachel’s
accusations lit a fire in her husband’s heart. (Remember Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”) How
many times could she lash out at Jacob without expecting him to
reciprocate? Chance are, he was doing everything he could possibly do
to help her get pregnant.
Learn
from Rachel’s mistakes. How different would her life have been if she
had found a way to harness jealousy and rage? How much lighter would
the burden of infertility have been had she not had to simultaneously
struggle with broken relationships and hurt feelings?
No
one says it’s easy. No one expects you to get through this season of
your life with the total absence of anger or jealousy. After all, you
are a human being, you know. But keep an honest eye on yourself and on
your heart. Don’t let Satan get a stronghold in your life as he tries
to wrap your heart in anger and jealousy.
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