Friday, January 13, 2012

Not This Month

The 14th cycle that we've been trying to conceive just came to an end -- Aunt Flow arrived unexpectedly. My original plan was to keep using the progesterone cream through Sunday before taking a pregnancy test, so that I wouldn't A) Know for certain that I wasn't pregnant while attending two baby showers this weekend, and B) Be on my period and over-emotional while attending two baby showers this weekend. That's right, two very close friends are having their baby showers this weekend, and my period started yesterday. And did I mention that I'm hosting one of the showers at my house? I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.

Because I knew that my cycle was potentially going to end around this weekend, I had started praying weeks ago for the emotional strength to handle the disappointment of not getting pregnant this cycle and to still be able to express joy and happiness for my two friends who are expecting little ones. Since the New Year, I've also been sticking with the Bible-reading plan, so I've been digging into the Word more as well. Thankfully, like James 4:8 says, "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you," I'm doing okay with this disappointment.

Side Note: Don't get me wrong, I'm still an emotional snowball on the brink of tears at any given moment...which means that yesterday was probably not the best day to try giving Michael a haircut...for the first time...ever...After a few hours instances of fighting disagreements and many tears later, his hair turned out pretty good. But back to my original thought...

In fact, I feel at peace about taking a break from some things for a while, in hopes of keeping my stress level low. I decided to stop tracking my temperature and cervical fluid. Of course, I'll still notice cervical fluid, because, well, it's just kind of there, but I won't record anything about it. All I need to know is when Day 6 and 16 is so that I can adjust the progesterone cream accordingly. So I set calendar reminders for those two days and that's all I'm keeping track of. It's up to the Lord to lead the timing of our intimate moments and everything else in between. He is the creator of life, He knows my heart's desire to be a mother, and He will answer that desire according to His will, His timing, and in His way.

I cannot describe how good it felt to not get up and take my temperature this morning. In essence, I feel like I'm completely surrendering everything about this to God. I think I had surrendered previously, but this is completely trusting Him to keep track of everything for me and it's me letting go of as much control as possible. A helpful analogy is like riding as a passenger in a car while God is driving. Previously, I was sitting in the passenger seat biting my nails in anxious suspense about Where are we going?, Why?, Are we there yet???, What's taking so long?, and the silly/naive Are you sure you know where you're going??? All that state of mind was doing for me is causing me stress. I'd much rather proceed forward passed out in the back seat clueless about what's taking place and hopefully wake up one day to find two lines on that pee stick. At least that's my plan for not have a plan.

Today's Prayer:
Father God, please take over completely and carry us into the role of becoming parents according to Your will and timing. In the meantime, please give me an abundance of emotional strength and patience to enjoy this present chapter and not burden myself with unnecessary stress, worry, and anxiety. If anything is physically wrong with my body that is preventing us from conceiving, please heal me, or make it clear to me that I should seek medical help. Please lead us in every way relevant to this endeavor. Thank you for all the ways you've blessed us, and for all the lessons you've taught us through this trial. I wait for you, Lord, my soul does wait, and in Your Word do I hope (Psalms 130:5), Amen.

Thank you all for your continued prayer and support. We are so thankful for you!

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