Hope Does Not Disappoint: Worry Wart

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Worry Wart

Sometimes that title describes me well. Today is one of those days where it aptly fits how I'm feeling. Full of worry, anxiety, and concern about several things. Allow me to elaborate...

I track my temperature daily as part of trying to conceive. The background on this practice is described well at this website, but the basics are that you should see a noticeable shift in temperatures shortly after you ovulate, which is a way of confirming that you've ovulated (temps should rise after ovulation, and remain higher until right before your period starts, assuming you're not pregnant).

So from my update about my appointment with Dr. H. on the 28th and how she said I would ovulate that same day or the next (28th or 29th), my temps should have started to rise on the 29th or 30th and should be higher now than they were prior to those dates. Well, they haven't changed much at all, so that is what spurred the worry wart in me to come out this morning.

Worries such as:
Did I not ovulate this month?
Did we not time intercourse appropriately?
Was Dr. H. wrong?
I am getting over a cold...did that sickness halt the process building up to ovulation and now it will be delayed (meaning that I still have not yet ovulated)?
I hate taking my temperature!!
It's not going to happen this month either, is it?

Isn't it amazing how quickly your mind can fill with thoughts of worry? It's like zero to worry in six seconds...it's the sports car of my mind, the Worry Ferrari.

Thankfully, I was instantly aware of the fact that I was worrying about something that, in the big picture, is not something worth worrying about. So that led me to start praying right away for strength to take every thought captive and to let go of all anxiety about this. After all, like Luke 12:25 says, who can add a day to their lifespan by worrying? Perhaps the better question is who can conceive a child by worrying? It certainly does not contribute anything positive to that endeavor. And no matter what temperatures say, God is bigger and greater than anything and everything. If he can conceive a child in a virgin's womb, then he can conceive a child in a womb that has lower temps than fertility experts say it should have at a certain time in her cycle - if He wants to.

Those positive thoughts and time of prayer helped bring me back to a place of waiting in hope. My goal today is to reject every worrisome thought that enters my mind and attempts to rob me of my hope. I desire to remain in the place of waiting in hope. I desire to be patient. I desire to enjoy this time in my life when it's just the two of us, and enjoy it to the fullest.

As a result of today, I have begun to pray for direction about a decision: should I continue charting my temperatures or not? I am seeking the Lord's guidance on what's best for me. After all, if charting temps is only causing me stress and leading me into the temptation of being a worry wart, then perhaps it's time to let it all go. I would still be using the progesterone cream that Dr. S. prescribed me, I would just base my doses on calendar dates of my cycle (set reminders for Day 6, 16, and 30 since my cycles average about 30 days in length). So if you're reading this, I'd appreciate prayer that the Lord would make it perfectly clear to me what I should decide about this - to track or not to track temps. Thank you so much!

In closing, I want to share some uplifting Bible verses that pertain to "waiting in hope" and seeking the Lord during that time. Be blessed my friends!

Psalms 25:5
Lead me in Your truth and teach me, For You are the God of my salvation; For You I wait all the day.

Psalms 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my soul does wait, And in His word do I hope.

Isaiah 40:31
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary.

Lamentations 3:25
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, To the person who seeks Him.

Romans 15:13
Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

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Our Story

So far our journey is not over, but the lessons learned will last a lifetime. Michael and I have been married since 2007. In early December 2010, we decided to begin trying to start a family. I'm a planner, and had high expectations that we would get pregnant right away, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning. But to my surprise, we did not get pregnant.

After finding no medical explanation for our inability to conceive (unexplained infertility), we began eating a whole foods, plant-based diet and exercising regularly. This helped regulate my hormones greatly and improved many aspects of our overall health (lost 30 lbs and kept it off, yay!) This has been our lifestyle since late 2012, yet we still have not been able to conceive. Clearly there is a bigger reason for this.

In late 2013, we felt God moving us to adopt. This was remarkable considering that, in the past, we never once considered adopting a child. But over the years of struggling with infertility, God taught us that no child - whether it comes from our physical bodies or elsewhere - is truly ours, but will always belong to God. We wanted to be parents, and we decided there was no reason to wait.

We desire to have children through adoption AND pregnancy. However the Lord wishes to grow our family, that's what we want too. We are completely trusting God with these details. How and when He brings children into our family is completely up to Him.

In March 2014 we submitted our application to the agency we chose. We didn't know it at the time (but God did), but that was also the month that our daughter was conceived. After being officially approved and put on the waiting list in August 2014, we were told the average wait would be 15 months. But God had other plans. Only 3 months later we received THE call from our caseworker that a birth mother had chosen us to adopt her baby, and the baby girl was due in a month.

We were overjoyed at this news and felt instant love for the birth family. I mean, out of all the couples waiting to adopt, they picked US! It felt humbling and amazing and overwhelming with only a month to prepare. We got to meet both sides of the birth family and we get along very well. They invited us to be at the hospital for our daughter's birth and wanted us to hold her shortly after being born. They chose to let us share in so many precious moments that they didn't have to do. They are such welcoming people, and we love them all so much!

After our daughter was two days old, we brought her home and started life together as a family of three. Though there were many things about parenthood that went differently than planned, or were frustrating in some moments, it has truly been such an honor to be our daughter's parents. She brings so much joy into our hearts with her sweet smile, laugh, and unique personality. I can't imagine her not being part of our family. We continue to keep in touch with the birth family on a regular basis. After all, we're all family now!

Through this journey, I have experienced such growth in my faith. Our story is proof that God gives good gifts and He truly cares for the desires of our hearts. He may not give you every desire in the way you ask for it, but He is faithful "and we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

I have learned that I need to surrender to the Lord and let Him lead this endeavor. So that is my goal: “let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus” – Hebrews 12:1-2.

Prayer of My Heart

"Heavenly Father, it seems as if every month brings about disappointment because I pray for a child and nothing happens. I don’t understand why I have to suffer like this. But in your Word, You say that I am to rejoice in my sufferings, because it gives me perseverance for the journey ahead, and perseverance brings about better character in me, and character; hope. I praise you for your great love, which has been shed in my heart by your Holy Spirit, which gives me hope that does not disappoint, as I continue to believe in You. Thank you! In Jesus’ name, amen."

[From Dancing Upon Barren Land]