Monday, March 11, 2013

Settled In

It was a sunny afternoon on December 4, 2010. We had just returned from a church social event, where a mutual friend/couple had brought her twin girls. They were so precious! She asked me to help feed one of her girls, and I sat in awe as I held this little girl and gazed into her eyes as she sipped from her bottle. I remember thinking, "I could totally get the hang of this." (I formerly had a fear that I wouldn't have a clue how to take care of a baby's needs.) Michael came over shortly after and held one of the girls. I remember thinking how much I loved that image of him - my handsome husband holding a tender, delicate little baby girl.

I had been talking for months with Michael about how I felt more and more comfortable with the idea of starting a family. So this afternoon, after having been around babies, of course the conversation went that way again. I shared my feelings and desires to become a mom, and after expressing some concerns about financial stability and how a baby would dramatically change our lives, Michael agreed that we could begin trying.

Hooray!!! It just so happened that I was scheduled to ovulate a couple days later. What perfect timing to get pregnant, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning! How did I ever get to be so lucky to have that timing work out so well.

After a few days of enjoying the "consequences" of the decision to start trying (hint hint), I began counting down the days until I could take a pregnancy test. I had everything planned perfectly...I went to the Dollar Store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Kudos to me for saving some money!

Finally the day arrived when I could take the test. Having never taken one before, I of course had to read the instructions to make sure I did everything right. Put a couple drops of urine on the strip, wait 3 minutes, and then let the celebrations begin!

2 minutes 55 seconds...
2 minutes 56 seconds...
2 minutes 57 seconds...
2 minutes 58 seconds...
2 minutes 59 seconds...
3 minutes!

Wait a second...what does one line mean? Only one baby?


It's amazing how much one tiny pink line can impact one's emotions. And it's equally amazing how quickly your mind can be inundated with thoughts of doubt.

Is there something wrong with me? With Michael? Will we have a hard time getting pregnant?

A little disappointed, I brushed off those thoughts, and was determined to figure out this whole conception thing. Christmas came and went.

I remember sitting in bed talking with Michael on New Year's Eve. We were discussing our New Year's Resolutions. Michael's was to compete in an arm-wrestling tournament (which he did). I remember stating mine: "To become a mom."

Oh dear was I setting myself up for disappointment. To make that a resolution, or even a goal or accomplishment was so naive. I had yet to learn how little control a person has on the conception of a life.

Fast forward to today. It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 7 days since that decision was made. 829 days to be exact.

829 days of waiting. Of prayers and pleading. Of tears and broken dreams. But also of growth and character development. Renewed faith and neverending hope. God has completely transformed the both of us in these past 829 days. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually...we are forever changed. We have a new mindset and heart when it comes to children and the hope of having them someday.

I personally went through darkness and thankfully, emerged again into His light. I know that I did not always behave or react the right way during these past 829 days, but I have learned so many valuable lessons.

I'm at a point now where I feel very settled in. Infertility is the norm for me now. I don't mean that in a depressed way. More of a comfort level kind of way. I am so used to the process of trying, waiting, grieving, and trying again, that I feel like if things were to change, it might take me some time to get used to that change.

I've always been slow to's just my personality type. When I make a plan, I get uncomfortable if the plan changes. I used to be a lot worse about that, but I've relaxed quite a bit thanks to infertility. But still, I'm comfortable with where I am now. The thought of getting pregnant is almost bringing back the same fears as before we started trying. Wow, could I really learn how to take care of another life?

I realized the other day after we listened to a conference call about pregnancy that the Wellness Forum hosted that I know nothing about pregnancy and labor. I mean, I know the basics of what goes in must come out, but I'm lacking the details of what happens throughout a pregnancy, the stages of labor, and what in the world you're supposed to do with a baby when you take it home (without an instruction manual)...that's really scary to me. I intentionally forbade myself from reading and learning about it in order to keep my expectations from getting out of hand. I also wanted to save something special for pregnancy. Because of that, I realized that if the Lord does allow us to become pregnant, we will be starting completely over from scratch. We will have a ton of research to do and things to learn and decide about. I already feel like I need to start taking some deep breaths to relax!

Sometimes I imagine what our lives will look like if the Lord does allow us to get pregnant. Would it really change our lives and daily routine all that much? What social norms am I comfortable with now and which am I uncomfortable with? Will I one day forget about this struggle and begin to take our child for granted? And here's my biggest question: Will I always feel that twinge in my stomach whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman, or does that go away? I have gotten so used to that twingy feeling that it's hard to believe it will disappear over night.

I'm just so thankful that no matter what changes occur in our lives, one thing will remain unchanged:

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Our lives could remain this way for even more years, or they could be thrown upside down with the blessing of a pregnancy. But God will always remain the same, forever the steady and peaceful presence by our side. Settled or unsettled, He is always with us. I'll close with a song I love that illustrates this point...enjoy!

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