Confessions of an Infertile

I'm a really bad waiter. I was also a really bad waitress.

I just want so desperately to know what God's plan is. I feel pretty confident that I can get on board with whatever His plan is...I just want to know what it is so all of this uncertainty can go away.

No matter what happens in my life; no matter what I'm doing; no matter how busy I am...nothing will make me feel whole. Only God can do that.

I feel like the most impatient person in the world. I do not like waiting. I get so anxious and antsy. Waiting at a red light or for a train. Waiting for a speech or lecture to end. Waiting for an airplane to get moving. Waiting to get off said airplane. Waiting in line at the store. Why do people move sooooo sloooooooow when I'm around?? Get a move on people!

That's honestly how I feel about God sometimes...get a move on God! Why are you taking so long to reveal your plan?!

Could there really be a reason for all this waiting? Is it really for some good? I mean, looking back, I definitely see all the good that has happened. So many lessons learned, relationships made, and opportunities realized. But in each moment, I feel like that must certainly be it. All the learning must surely be over. Right? RIGHT?!

Deep breath. And again.

And again.

Days like this make it really hard to trust that God knows what He's doing. But that's absurd. Because He's GOD! Of course He knows what He's doing. He made the world and everything in it. And the most crucial detail: He made time. Time belongs to Him. The stupid thing that I keep obsessing over is the very thing that He made and is in complete control of.

So the real question I find myself asking is: How to be patient? I clearly do not possess this skill when it comes to waiting for God's plan to be revealed, so how can I learn to be patient? Is there a class I can attend? A book I can read? A magical potion I can swallow?

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

It's a fruit of the Spirit. Great! And which store can I pick that up at? I'm a health nut...I love fruit!

But this fruit is not something that is so simple to find and possess. Or is it?

John 15:1-11
1 "I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not abide in Me, he is thrown away as a branch and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire and they are burned. 7 If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. 9 Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. 10 If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father’s commandments and abide in His love. 11 These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full."

This is lengthy, but so very informative and valuable. In short, the only way to bear fruit (read "patience" for yours truly) is to abide in Christ. So patience is not something that I yield on my own. Just as a farmer is not the one to grow a crop, he is the one who puts in the time, labor, and care. God then causes the growth. So I will only gain patience by putting in the time, labor, and care (love) towards Christ.

And that's not all. In verse 5, He says that if you abide in Him, you will bear much fruit. You mean I might bear more things from that list than just patience?! Sounds unbelievable...I mean, have you met me before? Phew, God has His work cut out for Him growing so many different fruits from this sinful being.

But God is faithful. So I must be faithful. I want to abide in Him. And if I have any hope of keeping some semblance of my sanity, I need to abide in Him. I need to stop and smell the roses, not push passed all the slow pokes at the park. I need to bear fruit while I wait for the Lord.

God, please help me abide in You. I long to make you proud. I want to bring You glory. Please help your daughter out.