Tuesday, April 17, 2012

While Sitting in the Waiting Room

This post's title can also be taken figuratively, but for today I mean it literally. This morning Michael and I both had dentist appointments, where mine was first and his following. The first thing the office assistants always hand us is a medical insurance and history update form.

On this form is a portion that asks if I am:
Pregnant/Trying to get pregnant
Taking oral contraceptives

A few months after we first began trying, we went to a dentist appointment, where I decided to select the Pregnant/Trying to get pregnant option.

But today marked my third time to continue selecting this option (18 months later). It's always strange because when they hand me the form, they've already pre-blackened the check box next to this option, so there's this momentary flutter in my stomach that the office may think I'm actually pregnant, but then I continue reading to the right of that word and quickly recall that this word is coupled with Trying to get pregnant. You may think it's silly, but it just makes me sad to keep selecting that. As if the office assistants actually read the forms and are anxiously waiting for me to get pregnant. Or that they're aware of how many times I've been selecting that option and are thinking, "Geez, lady, get pregnant already." Silly and most assuredly not true, I know. But it's hard to not think that in the moment. I think next time I will ask them to remove that selected option from my record (if in six months I'm not pregnant, but only still trying), to hopefully avoid this awkward thought.

After my appointment, while I was sitting in the waiting room, waiting for Michael's appointment to finish, I decided it was a good time to catch up on my Bible-reading plan that I missed over the weekend.

A young woman walked in and was speaking to the office assistants through the window (which was right next to where I was seated), filling out her forms and telling them which changes/updates need to be made. Maybe you've already guessed what's about to happen, but the last update she stated was, "Oh, and I'm pregnant."

It's silly. I don't know this woman in the least. A complete stranger. Not ill-intentioned. Just the wrong place, wrong time for me to be seated right there next to where she was announcing this update for her form. Immediately upon hearing this, my heart dropped. I really can't help it anymore - anytime I hear any form of the words "I'm pregnant", my heart drops and my spirit feels dejected. It's a reflex, pure and simple.

Thankfully, when this news was announced, my head was already down and my eyes were already reading in Psalms 34. Trying not to let this moment shake my hope or steal my joy, I forced myself to continue reading. Seconds later, I read Psalms 34:18-19:
18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.
19 Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.

The living Word brings comfort and peace to my soul when it's needed most. Hopefully I won't be sitting in this waiting room (meant figuratively now) for much longer. But while I'm waiting, I will take solace in the fact that the Lord is near my broken heart, he puts all my tears in a bottle, counting each one that is shed (Psalms 56:8). And most importantly, the Lord will deliver me from this pain one day.


  1. Continue delighting in Him, Christine. I know how incredibly hard it is to struggle with infertility and to keep your mind and heart focused on Christ through it. The Lord's timing is perfect even though it hurts. Lean into His arms for comfort. Lindsey

  2. So sorry you went through that. Still praying.