Have you ever heard of or read the book Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel? In case you haven't, it's a Christian book about the differences between men and women. Men, in general, are like waffles with little "boxes" for everything (they typically compartmentalize their thoughts). Women are typically like spaghetti "noodles", where thoughts connect and intertwine into a seemingly chaotic and confusing way (if you're a man, lol). You could be talking about dinner last night, go to the topic of traffic on the way home from the grocery store, and then be talking about your favorite part of the movie you saw last week.
For Michael and me, we definitely fit into the stereotype depicted in this book. My brain is made up of nothing but noodles. I can change topics from 0 to 60 mph in a second. Oh, and we need to get our oil changed soon...
(See what I did there? You just had your first ride on one of my brain's spaghetti noodles. Welcome to Michael's world.)
Well, this thought process is usually not a problem for me. I don't mind thinking the way I do. And usually I don't mind having to explain and re-explain how I got from topic A to B when Michael gives me that look of confusion because I switched topics too fast. But in terms of our infertility journey, this way of thinking has come back to bite me in the spaghetti noodle. Now I'm hungry. We're making turkey burgers tonight. Mmm, I love sweet potato fries.
Okay, back to my main topic.
Yesterday Michael was cleaning up the garage, and one of the items that was in the garage was a small side table that his mom gave to us. It's has a piece that's loose and needs to be glued (hence why it was stored in the garage), but to help save room in the garage, I offered to carry it inside and put it in one of the bedrooms until we're ready to glue it.
So I carried it inside into the front/office bedroom and set it by the wall.
Then I got slapped by a wet noodle.
My thoughts switched over to how perfect this table would be for a nursery. It would easily sit next to a nursery glider, hold a lamp on top, and baby books on the bottom shelf. And I realized I'm sitting in the room we planned to be a nursery, Lord willing. Sitting on the floor, staring at this table, and the stained glass horse night-light plugged into the wall (also set aside, waiting for this room to become a nursery), crying and overcome with grief.
I just sat there and cried, and prayed. How long will we have to wait, Lord? Please give us direction about what to do in the meantime. Please give me strength to be patient and wait.
The moment ended after about 5 minutes, but the heaviness in my heart lasted the rest of the evening. A simple thing, such as a table, can set my emotions off. I know from speaking to other women who struggle with infertility that I'm not the only one who has moments like this.
When you struggle with infertility, or anything that causes a deeply emotional response, there can be so many things that connect to that one spaghetti noodle. There are any number of ways to trigger that noodle. For me, that's what makes it so hard. I cannot predict or control when or how that noodle will be set off. There are some situations that are obvious and predictable - like baby showers or children's birthday celebrations. I have stopped attending those types of events. But many moments are started in random places and situations. Unpredictable. Unexpected. Unprepared. Unable to stop to sudden uprising of emotions.
If you can relate to this, I just want to encourage you (and myself) to do everything you can to build up some armor. You will be assaulted, there's no changing or avoiding that. So be ready to fight back.
Ephesians 6:11
Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.
Ephesians 6:13-16
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
James 4:8
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.
Be ready. Stay in God's Word. Continue to pray. Never cease praying. Be on guard. And fight.
That is exactly what it's like. You are moving merrily along with your day, enjoying life, and then something hits you just right (or wrong, really) and the next thing you know you are overcome with grief.
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