Hospitality

In continuing through my Bible-reading plan, I read about the Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4:8-37. At the time, Elisha the prophet was at work prophesying for the Lord as he traveled around the land. This story is about a Shunammite woman, who I'm assuming was barren even though it doesn't explicitly say she was barren, and how her kindness and hospitality allowed her to receive the blessing of a child.

The story says that every time that Elisha and his servant would pass through the Shunammite's territory, the Shunammite woman would request that Elisha and his servant come and allow her to serve them a meal. After a few times of this, the Shunammite woman asked her husband if she could prepare a guest room for Elisha and his servant to stay in whenever they passed through because she knew he was a man of the Lord. So the husband consented, and Elisha and his servant stayed in the guest room prepared for them whenever they passed through.

While staying with the Shunammite couple, Elisha was overcome with gratitude for the woman's hospitality and asked his servant to inquire what Elisha could do for her to make it up to her. The servant asked the woman, but she did not ask for anything in return. But the servant observed that the couple had no children and went and told Elisha that she has no son and her husband is very old (implying that she too is very old, past childbearing age). So Elisha told the woman that by the same time next year, she would embrace her son. So the woman conceived and she bore a son.

When the child was grown up a bit, the child became ill and died. The woman placed the boy in the bed Elisha slept in in their home, and then she immediately traveled to where Elisha and his servant were at the time. Elisha returned with the Shunammite to her home to help the boy, and God worked a miracle through Elisha by reviving the boy.

This story made me think of two applicable points: (1) Serving the Lord with a joyful heart is always the right thing to do; and (2) The pain and suffering you experience with infertility doesn't necessarily end once you have a child.

Serving the Lord
Not much is said about this woman, so I may be stretching it here, but I would assume that if this woman did not have a son for most of her life, she was probably sad and disappointed about this. She probably had a desire to be a mother, and wondered why she couldn't.

But she didn't let that sadness affect her ability to serve the Lord and those chosen by the Lord. She served joyfully. She served thoroughly. She served as much as she could in as many ways as she could think of. Serving meals to Elisha and his servant wasn't good enough in her mind. She knew she could do more to help.

The way I apply this to my own life is how I often allow myself to get into a mental rut associated with our routine life. I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, go to bed. Sure, there is more to it some days. Some days are more enjoyable than others. Some days I easily have a heart of joy and patience. Usually I enjoy the work I do at my job. But some days I go to work with a non-joyful heart, and that causes me to fall into a negative pit of despair. I will not have a productive day, or be in a pleasant mood, because all I'm really thinking about is how much I want to stop working and be a mother. I whine and complain about how much I can't wait for that to happen. Instead, I should realign my heart and serve the Lord as much as I can, with joy, while I'm in this present struggle.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

Suffering
I have touched on this topic in a previous blog post, but this served as yet another good reminder of this truth. We as believers in Christ will always suffer in some form or another. Maybe not every minute of every day. Certainly to varying degrees. But don't buy into the prosperity gospel rubbish that when you become a believer in Christ, your life will magically get better and you'll be rich and happy. What is the truth?

Philippians 1:29-30
For to you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear to be in me.

Philippians 4:11-13
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

2 Corinthians 1:5-7
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

2 Timothy 2:3
Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 2:20-21
For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps.

1 Peter 3:13-17
Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence; and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame. For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong.

1 Peter 4:12-13, 16
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation...but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name.

1 Peter 5:10
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

The Shunammite woman likely suffered with sadness at not having a child. Then God finally blessed her with a son in her old age. But her suffering did not end there, it merely changed forms when her son died. She still kept faith by seeking out Elisha's help, instead of letting herself fall into a pit of despair.

So for my life, I need to remember to not be fooled into thinking that the suffering ends with the end of infertility. My suffering may diminish, but I'm almost certain I will experience a great suffering in the future in other ways. But I should strive to respond to that suffering like the Shunammite woman - with joy and faith, turning to the Lord for help. The world is watching us, Christians. Suffer with joy. Keep on rejoicing. Endure it patiently and without giving up hope.

Milestones

Several friends have reached out to us lately, to express their love and support and to let us know they are thinking of and praying for us. We are so thankful for each and every one of you!

This journey is not an easy one. I would imagine that any journey that involves a long period of waiting can start to feel very challenging as time continues to move on without an answer as to when the waiting will end. Singleness is probably the best analogy to infertility. Or you could also think of it like a job that you're at, but you can't quit, get fired, or promoted...you're just stuck. Waiting, no matter what you're waiting for, can be incredibly hard to bear.

Our journey has felt like a long time, but I know there are so many others who have waited much, much longer than we have. I cannot imagine that, how much harder it must be for them.

The thing that has kept me going has been when God sends me little milestones along our path. Normally, milestones are equidistant markers to show progress through time or distance. But in our case, they are markers of thankfulness for this journey we're on and they have come in unequal intervals along this path.



When we first started trying to conceive, it was the starting line of this journey. I remember feeling so much excitement that we made that decision, and were ready to begin the next chapter of our lives - parenthood. The first few months were full of slight disappointments, uncertainty, and the beginnings of doubt.

I wonder how much longer it will take for me to get pregnant? Could there be something wrong? Surely not...we're both healthy and young. Did I do something to cause this? Did we wait too long?

Then I noticed my heart starting to get more sensitive. The thickness of my skin decreased. Every little comment and remark related to pregnancy and children would register easily with me. No pregnant woman or infant within a quarter-mile radius escaped my notice.

Then in the summer of last year, I received some slightly disappointing news from the doctor about one of my blood tests (that my progesterone levels were too low). Even though this is not much of a concern anymore, at the time, it was my first milestone. It was the moment where I broke down before God and realized that everything related to conception, apart from having an intimate relationship with my husband, was completely out of my control, and that I had been desperately and sinfully clinging to all forms of control I could get my hands on. This milestone and very valuable life lesson was the first marker of thankfulness that I experienced about this journey. I was thankful to have learned that I needed to give all control to the Lord. That I needed to stop assuming that my plans mattered more than God's plans.

A second milestone was within our marriage. This milestone was placed very shortly after the first because they went hand in hand. I realized that I had started viewing sex with my husband as just a necessity to procreate, and less on the expression of intimacy and love in our marriage. My former attitude had resulted from my sinful desperation to maintain control over the situation. But with this second milestone, I realized I owed Michael a big apology for taking all the fun out of the bedroom. He was gracious enough to forgive me. At that time, I made a commitment to fully turn our lovemaking over to the Lord, by praying that Michael would initiate sex during my fertile window, and if he didn't, then I wasn't going to initiate it because I didn't trust myself to not have the wrong motives. We have since reached a healthy balance, but this milestone was very necessary at the time, and I was again thankful for our infertility because it helped me to truly appreciate my man instead of just his seed :)

The third milestone resulted from my reaching out to others about my struggle. I began to share publicly that we were hoping for children, and that we were experiencing some emotional difficulties in waiting. The return of prayer support and encouragement from friends was amazing. Again making me thankful to have experienced infertility. I also started meeting others who struggle with infertility, which allows us to share a very special bond.

The fourth milestone occurred at the end of the summer. Michael and I had previously declined to lead the Newlywed/Young Married class at church because we had expected to begin a family. But the opportunity again presented itself at the end of the summer in 2011, and we felt like perhaps God wanted us to serve in that way before we became parents.

The fifth milestone was on September 1, 2011. My first doctor's appointment with Dr. S. You can read about it here. Great doctors are a joy to find.

The sixth milestone occurred in November when a friend who formerly struggled with infertility told me that because of my advice, she gave up control to the Lord and repented of her bitterness, and lo and behold, she became pregnant the next month. Not that I really had anything to do with her conception, but it greatly encouraged my heart that I'm on this path for a bigger reason. For a God-given reason.

The seventh milestone was on December 1, 2011. My first doctor's appointment with Dr. H. Again, great doctors are a blessing to find, and my appointment with her was awesome. She also followed up with me on December 29th and confirmed that everything appears to be functioning and looking normally.

The eighth milestone also occurred in December 2011. I started this blog and began finding other inspiring infertility blogs out there that really spoke hope and encouragement to my heart. I felt the Lord leading me to share my thoughts about infertility to hopefully help others on this journey. I never would have had that opportunity if I hadn't experienced infertility. It made me thankful.

The ninth milestone also occurred in December when we decided it was time to tell our families that we were struggling with infertility. This resulted in us feeling much closer to family, which made me incredibly thankful.

March 2012 marked the tenth milestone for me with the first meeting of Hope Does Not Disappoint. I again felt thankful because I felt the Lord reassuring me that all this pain I've been feeling has a big purpose in His ultimate plan, that He's doing lots of good through it.

I went downhill a bit since then, struggling back and forth with uncertainty of what to do, how to move forward, weariness from this journey. It became difficult to experience a thankful attitude because I just wanted the pain to end. So my most recent (eleventh) milestone happened only in the past two weeks, and it was in the context of our marriage again. There was a particular issue that has been a source of pain in our relationship for our entire marriage and much of our dating years. But just recently, Michael and I were able to communicate our feelings effectively and experience great healing that was so very needed. It was so beautiful to see that happen in our relationship. I know for a fact that had we not been on this infertility path, it would have been years and years from now before we would have experienced this healing, so it made me the most thankful I've ever been for infertility.

That's the funny thing about milestones for me. Each milestone is like hitting the reset button in my heart. I'll be trucking along, starting to get really weighed down by hopelessness, and then boom, I run straight into a milestone that God puts in my path that wakes me up and makes me realize that I don't regret a single minute of the pain we've been experiencing. The glory and beauty of each milestone greatly outshines the pain that's behind it in the past. It makes me truthfully say that I'm glad for every minute we've struggled, because I'm glad to have learned what we've learned and be where we are right now, this minute.

So if you're praying for us, please just pray that God will get us through the rest of this journey and guide us every step of the way. We desire His will and timing to be done, so we just ask that He prepare us for that plan of His. And maybe pray that in the meantime, God will put many milestones in our path to continue to help remind us to be thankful for it. Thank you all so much!

Dig Up the Root of Bitterness

While Michael and I were watching Part 5: Taking Out the Trash of Mark Driscoll's Real Marriage video series, I felt very convicted about my heart. While it's true that I have been down in a rut lately with feelings of hopelessness, the Lord also convicted me that my heart has been filled with bitterness towards certain people.

As I alluded to in the previous post, there have been a few people who have greatly hurt my feelings regarding our infertility. Whether it was intentional on their part or not, whether they are aware of the fact that they hurt my feelings or not...it does not matter. Not in order for me to forgive or not.

This was my main holdup in my battle to forgive or not to forgive these people. "But God...they haven't even said they're sorry. In fact, some of them haven't even said a thing!"

Ephesians 4:31-32
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.

Oy. You mean, I should forgive because Christ forgave me...not because they apologize? Oh. Ok. Hm...I hadn't wanted to think much about that.

Mark Driscoll went on to explain that by choosing not to forgive someone (definition of bitterness), that's like you saying that Christ's blood is insufficient. Golly Mark...way to punch me in the face! Or I guess maybe it was the Holy Spirit doing that, but I fully admit I deserved the punch.

He also explained that just because you choose to forgive someone does not necessarily mean that you should also seek to reconcile the relationship. This was something I had also been held up on...I was thinking that if I forgave these people, that would mean I would have to get over the hurt feelings and be their friend again, regularly see them again, and allow them into my life. I'm relieved to understand that this is not the case. He explained that repentance of bitterness (choosing forgiveness) requires one person. Reconciliation requires two people.

Another thing to remember is that forgiveness is not just a one-time deal. I chose on Saturday to forgive all of these people who have hurt me. But there will be (and already have been) moments that will trigger the hurt feelings again, tempting me to walk down the path of bitterness. So I will have to re-forgive. And re-forgive. And re-forgive. Possibly for a very long time. Probably until Michael and I are well past this trial. Practice makes perfect, right?

One very helpful exercise he suggested, especially in the case of the situation where the person who has offended you has never apologized, was to journal out your feelings. This allows you to experience a sense of closure that can allow you to move from bitterness to forgiveness.

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled.

That's probably a good idea, so that my heart of bitterness doesn't continue to spread in my heart like a cancer, and then bleed over into Michael's heart, and so on until much destruction is caused.

So I chose to forgive these people. It may be hard to do, but it's so freeing if you can actually accomplish it. Choose forgiveness over bitterness, and let the healing begin. (And turn on Tenth Avenue North's Healing Begins song, just for good measure!)

Two Roads Diverged in a Wood

Total honesty here. I'm struggling. This journey we're on is getting a little too routine for me, to the point where it's been a huge struggle for me to think positively or hold onto hope. I know it's not right to think that way, but I can't seem to shake the negative feelings. It feels like what was once a blessing in disguise that taught us so much, humbled us so much, and drew us closer in marriage...is now becoming a stumbling block in my heart.

If you've ever experienced a point in your life where you were waiting for something you desire, then you can probably relate. When you've waited, and waited, and waited, and don't have even a clue as to how much longer you have left to wait, thoughts of hopelessness enter your mind so much more frequently. Satan knows exactly what he's doing, and what to whisper in my ear to get me to lose hope.

You will never get pregnant.
You've always seen a negative result on the pregnancy test, therefore you will always see a negative result. It won't ever change.
You're going to have to rely on science to get pregnant.
This may never end. God doesn't promise to give children to everyone.
You are powerless.
You have endometriosis.
You don't produce enough fertile CM to conceive naturally.
And the darkest one: I'm a terrible wife because I can't even give my husband a child.

My hope in listing these negative, dark thoughts out is to help them lose their power. Bring Satan's lies to light so they can be revealed as false. Re-reading them shows me that they contradict one another. Thankfully, God is not a God of disorder (1 Corinthians 14:33).

As a side note here, Michael has been a wonderful help and comfort to me. I love that he has openly expressed his willingness and desire to be the listening ear when I need it, any time. I love that he prays for us right after I've tearfully let all my feelings out. I am so thankful to have him by my side as my spiritual head, and to not have to go through this alone. I know the truth is that he loves me no matter what, children or no children. But facing the lies and temptation to despair has been more than I can handle as of late. I have been praying for God's strength through His Spirit to take over, but feel like I'm still depleted. I know He is in control and has a perfect plan, but the waiting is getting to be unbearable.

The other hard part for me is that I have felt a division taking place in my heart with regards to my friends. Michael and I have chosen to be as open about our struggle as possible, in the hopes that when our friends find out they are expecting, they might show some courtesy by warning us ahead of time before they announce publicly in front of us. It is also in the hopes that our friends who already have children might use caution around us before complaining about unnecessary things related to being parents.

Many of our friends, as a result of our openness and their hearts of sensitivity, have shown us those courtesies above. For you, we are so thankful.

But there are others who I once felt very close to, and now I struggle with deep-seeded bitterness towards. There are people we once considered close friends who have said absolutely nothing to us since we've announced our struggle. Nothing. Zip. Zilch. And it has not been for a lack of opportunity. To you, I pray that you will learn to be more sensitive to other people's struggles and be less self-involved. I'm being totally honest because...well...it's my blog, and this helps me to process my feelings.

There are others who have at one time expressed their condolences about our struggle (and some who on top of condolences, offered their 'sage wisdom' and lectures on how I should get over it because kids are hard and change your life), and then they publicly announce their pregnancies without so much as an "I'm sorry, I hope that wasn't too hard on you." Again, zilch. To you, I struggle the most with you. I struggle so deeply with bitterness that I scare myself. I don't want to feel this way about you. I want to forgive you, but at this time, I just cannot seem to bring my heart to that place yet. I know I should. I know Ephesians 4:32 says "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." Even though you have not asked for my forgiveness, I should grant it to you anyway. I know. But I'm just not there yet. It's easier to rationalize the previous type who has never expressed any condolences at all, because I can hope that they are just oblivious and perhaps too embarrassed to bring it up, or perhaps they think bringing it up will hurt our feelings, but your type...it feels like you're being fake. You offer phony condolences and pity, then turn around and act selfishly, only concerned about yourself. My prayer for you is that you would be made aware of how often you do this. I wonder if I'm the only one who has been affected by this trait of yours. I hope so, because I would not want someone else to feel the hurt that I feel from you. My hope and prayer for myself is that one day, hopefully soon, I will be able to truly forgive you. Sometimes I get really close to forgiving you because doing so honors God, not because you deserve it. But then I get pulled back in to those thoughts of bitterness towards you, making me realize I need to start the process over again. I really hope one day I can be free of the bitterness towards you and truly forgive you.

So the way I've been feeling lately is like I'm standing at a fork in the road, with all my friends lined up just before the fork, and I'm sorting them to the right and to the left: those whom I can trust with my struggling heart, and those I cannot. Those who have stood by us through this difficult time, and those who have not. Those who have been praying for us, and those who have not. Those who have entered a new, even more beautiful space in my heart reserved for friendship that I didn't even know existed, and those who have bruised my heart and taken advantage of it.



This feeling has made me question what kind of friend am I? Are there people in my life that I have ignored during their struggles? Have I been fake about my condolences and then hurt someone without even realizing it? If I have, I'm so, so sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. Know that I'll be a lot more aware of this from now on, and I pray that I can become even more sensitive to others' struggles.

And for those who graciously have been praying for us...please don't stop. I desperately need your prayer to help get me through this. To help bring me to a heart of forgiveness and hopefulness. To not let the lies listed above take root. To not let bitterness take root. I need you, I love you, and I greatly thank you.

Wall of Hope

You know the cliche "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer"? Well, I disagree with that...I like to keep my friends closer because as iron sharpens iron, their love and support are a big part of what helps me keep a heart of joy and hope.

Several friends have been so sensitive and considerate of my feelings. Some who have found out that they will be expecting a bundle of joy have taken the time to send me a private message to "warn" me that they will be announcing soon, and that they told me ahead of time in order to spare me of any hurt feelings. I've got to say, when a friend of mine does this, my respect and gratitude for them jumps by a lot. So if you have been one of those who have shown me this type of consideration, I greatly thank you for making this infertility journey easier on me. I thank God for placing you in my life and giving you a selfless heart of love for others. Trust me, I won't ever forget your kindness.

And several other friends have been so supportive of us through prayer, asking us how we're doing or how they can help, and sending me little notes of encouragement. I have received several to date, and I wanted to do more than just file them away after reading them the first time.

So I started a Wall of Hope.

This Wall of Hope started originally from a gift that my friend, Anna, gave to me for throwing a baby shower for her. She was one of those sensitive and awesome friends who knew my pain and struggles, and did everything (and still does everything) she could to make this journey easier on me while she was pregnant. She gave me a wall decor of Matthew 21:22 that says "Pray for anything and if you have faith you will receive it."

So I hung it in the one room where I struggle the most with infertility...my bathroom. Yes, the place where I'm most often reminded about our struggle with infertility. Where I notice the changes in my fertility cycle, and experience the disappointment that parenthood will have to wait at least another month.

The Wall of Hope grew after our church's pastor's wife gave me another wall decor that simply says the word "HOPE". She gave this gift to me just before the first Hope Does Not Disappoint support group meeting kicked off.

So I added it to the Wall of Hope in the bathroom.

Then, as I mentioned previously, I decided I wanted to do more with the sweet and encouraging notes that friends have sent to me, rather than just keep them in a box in a closet.

So they joined the Wall of Hope.



This is one of the ways that God has shown me His love through our trial...He has brought to the surface how many people He has placed in our lives who love us, and have the heart to pray for us to become parents. God has richly blessed us in this way, and we are truly thankful.

The Adventures of Peeing in a Cup

The last time I blogged about this topic, it was in regards to taking a pregnancy test.

I'm...happy?...to say that this time, it is in regards to something else. Gimme a "U"! Gimme a "T"! Gimme a "I"! Put it together, and what do you get? U.T.I.!

Fine print: A U.T.I. may cause a sudden sense of panic when you realize that you've taken three trips to the bathroom in the past hour at work, and that you should probably go ahead and go submit a urine sample in case your nightmare is about to be realized...that you do in fact have a U.T.I. and since the lab closes at 4:30pm, you better leave work early. It may also cause a sense of urgency...not only in the need to urinate, but in your willingness to take any and all medication necessary to stop the BURNING and discomfort. Oh yeah, and a U.T.I. may also cause you to feel like your bladder hates you and has caught on fire, and that the insides of your urethra are lined with gasoline. Warning: Do not mix fire and gasoline.

So at the lab, they give you a cup to submit your urine sample in. They act like it's all discreet, but seriously, I'm pretty sure even a five-year-old is intelligent enough to figure out that a person carrying an empty cup into a bathroom is not trying to get a glass of water.

And they have the little "discreet" secret door in the wall where you leave your fresh sample for some technician to take out from the other side. There is nothing discreet about carrying a cup full of yellow liquid from the bathroom to this secret door.

But my favorite part of this process are the instructions in the bathroom stall:



To sum up the instructions, you must NEVER touch anything that is remotely close to the lid of the specimen container, and you need to have at least three hands to hold everything.

Thankfully, Dr. S. is super awesome, and he called me that same evening and prescribed me some antibiotics which started making me feel better the next morning, so all is well now. :)

A City Set on a Hill Cannot be Hidden

My apologies for having not posted in a while...I have been traveling a lot for work, but thankfully, the Lord continues to inspire me in every situation, even at work, about topics to blog about here.

Earlier this week I attended a conference with several of my co-workers, one of whom is currently expecting her first child. Just before leaving for the conference, I was fearful of getting into the car with her and another female co-worker (we were all three carpooling to the conference) because I was afraid I would be subjected to 3+ hours of nothing but baby-related talk.

To my surprise, this pregnant woman did not mention anything remotely close to her pregnancy, babies, children...nothing. Later that evening she was telling me how she used to be able to travel a lot without it affecting her, but now it's harder "Maybe because I'm married now..." She did NOT say "Because I'm pregnant" or anything close to that.

This really impressed me.

Why?

Because I've noticed a pattern in our culture, specific to females only. Obviously there are a lot of different personalities, backgrounds, strengths/weaknesses because we are all unique, but there is one thing that I've observed about women that can be classified into two groups, and only two groups: Prideful or Humble.

The pattern that I'm speaking of specifically relates, of course, to pregnancy or being a mother of children of any age. I have observed that women fall into one of the two groups above, either they are prideful or humble about how they view their role as a future or current mother.

Really and truly think about this pattern. I have observed that when women get pregnant, it seems like all of a sudden a switch is flipped, and they realize that they get to have 9-month's worth of doting on and full-blown attention from society. They get special parking spaces, strange women approaching them to comment about how great they look or ask them about their plans, the gender, the name, etc. They get to be the center of attention for at least one baby shower thrown for them by friends or family.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with recognizing the beauty and blessing of pregnancy. But where I have a problem, is how that pregnant woman's attitude and heart responds to all of this attention.

Does she remain humble, and just dwell in her gratitude and thankfulness for the blessing she's been given by the Lord? Or does she take this opportunity, where for 9-months she is placed in the spotlight on center stage, to keep the focus on herself?

Does she remain humble by expressing her thankfulness to God for the blessing she's been given, taking the opportunity to share her faith with complete strangers or unbelievers? Or does she post an unnecessary amount of ultrasound pictures, status updates about pregnancy, pictures of her growing belly, or a cartoon "Your Pregnancy, Week by Week" tracker on her blog or Facebook?

What should your heart focus on while the world is focusing on YOU?

Matthew 4:14-15
"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house."

It's inevitable -- when you become pregnant, the world will focus a lot of attention on you. I'm not saying this attention is a bad thing. But if you choose to keep that attention mostly focused on yourself, then I believe you are falling into that Prideful group instead of the Humble one.

What message will you choose to send? If you know you have infertile friends, yet you choose to update frequently on Facebook or blogs about your pregnancy, doesn't that send a message to others that you are insensitive and intentionally being a stumbling block to your infertile friends? (Assuming of course that you have not already personally contacted those friends to warn them you will be updating those types of things. I have had two friends message me on Facebook prior to their announcing pregnancy for all of Facebook, warning me that they will be doing so, and to unfriend or hide them so that I won't be hurt. That is true class if you ask me. Their sensitivity frees me up to be joyful for them, without struggling with bitterness towards them.) If you utter several complaints about how sick or tired you feel, doesn't that tell the world all about yourself instead of how faithful God is to give you a child? When you meet a stranger who asks you about your pregnancy, do you only talk about yourself and your plans, or do you bring the focus back to God -- the One who created the very topic of your conversation?

Psalm 127:3-5
3 Behold, children are a gift of the Lord,
The fruit of the womb is a reward.
4 Like arrows in the hand of a warrior,
So are the children of one’s youth.
5 How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them;
They will not be ashamed
When they speak with their enemies in the gate.

If you are fortunate enough to receive the blessing of carrying a child, then please realize that you have been given an amazing opportunity from the Lord to share His glory and your testimony at a time when you will most certainly have a listening and watching audience.

I was so very impressed with this co-worker of mine that I flat out told her that I think she is so incredibly sensitive for not flaunting her pregnancy. I shared about how I struggle with infertility and thanked her profusely for making it easier for me to be around her -- so much easier that I joyfully asked her questions about her baby, the gender, the name, etc. because my heart was free of fear and full of joy and happiness for her.

Matthew 23:12
Whoever exalts himself shall be humbled; and whoever humbles himself shall be exalted.

If one day the Lord blesses me with a pregnancy, you will not see me flaunt it, nor will you hear me utter a complaint about it. I do not want to keep the focus on myself because I know for a fact that the pregnancy will not be a result of any effort I made, it will only be because God decided it was the right time to open my womb. I cannot wait for the opportunity to share my faith even more with strangers who approach me. This infertility journey has certainly given me a lot of practice at remaining faithful through difficulties. And since I never plan to use any form of contraceptive ever again, even after having a first child, Lord willing....second pregnancy right away? Bring it on. Ten children in my future? Bring it on. I say this will full confidence because I have complete faith in the Lord to carry me through any situation or struggle we may face. Easy? Certainly not...this is the most difficult struggle I've ever gone through, but I have such a greater testimony to share about the Lord and His Grace and Love because of it.