Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Monthly Mourning

Today I had to meet a window installer at our home to install some blinds in our master bathroom. I had originally planned to wait until tomorrow morning to take a home pregnancy test (HPT), but I realized that maybe that's not the best time of day for me personally.

You see, on a normal night, I have this psychological issue where if I wake up at all, I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm awake and that I could go pee if I tried. It's not that my bladder is full and that I NEED to go, it's just an awareness that my bladder isn't empty, which therefore makes me obsessed with that fact until I give up trying to go back to sleep and just get up and go. Silly? Yep. Just go back to sleep? I know, right? That does seem logical. Except that when I do that, and really, I have tried several times, I just end up DREAMING about going pee or having to go pee. It's a problem, I know. But at least I admit it...

Moving on, so whenever I know that I'm planning to take a HPT the next morning, it compounds this psychological problem. You see, with a HPT, you're supposed to use the "morning's first urine" or urine that has been in your bladder for at least 4 hours. Specific instructions, huh? So whenever I do wake up at 3:00 AM, I'm met with a dilemma. First, we all know I'm going to go to the bathroom since I'm a freak and can't go back to sleep without dreaming about toilets. So does this count as my morning's first urine? When does morning start? Since I'm getting up in 3 hours, does that mean I have to wait an hour after I wake up to pee in the cup? So what usually happens is that I take the test at 3:00 AM and then go back to bed with sad, disappointing news (never gotten a positive result). And then that ruins my night's sleep.

So today, I spontaneously decided to just start testing when I'm awake. It's just better and easier all around, and I'm sure those instructions are just guidelines. Unfortunately, the test was negative today, but having this blog helps to release the sadness and mourn this month's loss. If any husbands of infertile wives are reading this, it's important for you to realize how much your wife may hurt at the end of her cycles each month. You probably don't think about being a parent as much or often as she does, let alone have to get slapped in the face by a bright red Aunt Flow every month. It's important to let her mourn that loss every month. The loss that her dream of becoming a mom will have to wait for a little longer.

Ladies, don't take this mourning overboard, but instead try to remember that with each new period is a new cycle. A new beginning. A renewed hope. I often remind myself during this time that God's plan is bigger and greater than my own, ultimately. It may be a long time before I see or understand that, but it's important to remember that it's not all about me. That my ultimate purpose on this earth is to bring glory to God, and as a result of reminding myself of that, I have been much more aware of how He has moved in my life. In a way, it's flattering to think that I'm special enough to endure a trial like this that can be used to help other women and bring glory to God. So if you're struggling too, take some comfort in that. Remember that God wouldn't let you endure anything that you aren't strong enough to handle, so look at how strong He must think you are! Here's to a new beginning!

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