Suffering

The Lord has been consistently pressing this topic on my heart. You know how you will be sitting in church sometimes and you think, "Wow, it's like this sermon was written specifically for me and what I'm going through!" It's been kind of like that for me lately.

The first occurrence were the sermons on September 2nd, both at Anderson and Southwood. Both sermons are very similar, but I loved listening to both because each brought it from a slightly different perspective. The Scripture discussed is James 1:2-8.

The second occurrence was the book our team selected to study for our women's book study this year: Get Out of That Pit, by Beth Moore.

The third occurrence was the book that the church selected as this semester's growth groups topic: 1 Peter. Now, I know I had read 1 Peter several times before, but never all the way through in one sitting. It was a surprise to me how frequently the word suffer or suffering is mentioned (16 times in only 5 chapters). This book is all about suffering.

So the wisdom gained from all three occurrences boils down to this:

• Suffering is inevitable
• Suffering is meant to bring glory to God
• Suffering will someday end

I will of course elaborate on these, because after all, it is my blog, and elaborating is what I'm here for.

Suffering is Inevitable
Because we live in a fallen world - a world with sin - all people will experience suffering in some form or another. Beyond that, as believers in Christ, we will inevitably experience the suffering of persecution.

1 Peter 2:21-24
21 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, 22 who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; 23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.

1 Peter 4:12
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you.

2 Timothy 3:12
Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

And don't be fooled into thinking that you're the only one suffering. Believer or non-believer, all people experience suffering because we live in a world ruled by Satan at the moment. Because of this, know that God does not cause the suffering.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

It says it clearly above. The devil is prowling and seeking to devour. You are not alone in your suffering. Though your specific suffering may be unique, you are not alone or "unlucky" - the whole world suffers with you.

I love how both pastors in the sermon links above say that you're either just coming out of suffering, in the middle of it, or about to suffer. No one can escape it, because we are all human beings living in a world that contains and breeds suffering. Jesus Himself suffered, arguably the most of all.

But there is a purpose for your suffering. That phrase is almost cliche...perhaps this says it better:

Suffering is Meant to Bring Glory to God
Because everyone in this world experiences suffering, chances are, you will share a similar type of suffering with believers and non-believers alike. I don't mean to undermine your pain here, but rather point out something that wasn't immediately obvious to me: you have an obvious, immediate, and easy thing to connect with other people about.

In other words, by sharing about your suffering, and all that God has done for you through it (even if the suffering is still happening), you are getting a chance to share a testimony with non-believers.

It may sound strange, but I actually was not aware of this fact until last night. Sure, I realized that this suffering I'm experiencing has brought me closer to God, but I didn't realize until last night that this has been the one and only experience in my life that has given me an abundance of courage to bring up the subject of God to complete strangers. And lots of them! Talking about my desire to have children, the difficulty of waiting, but how God has taught us so much about being patient and faithful, and how I was convicted about being a control freak who thought I could "earn" my baby, when in reality you can't earn a baby, much like salvation. I've had those conversations with strangers, friends, and family...all because I've been experiencing this type of suffering. And even if my audience has never experienced this type of suffering themselves, they can still relate to my pain and hopefully hear my key points about faith.

Whatever your suffering is, I dare you to share it with others. Be open, and watch the beauty of what happens. Now, fair warning here: there have of course been some people that I've shared the above testimony with, and I've only received insensitive or unhelpful "wishy washy" replies from. But for the most part, it breaks the ice and establishes a deeper connection with people.

1 Peter 3:14-15
But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you...

The world is watching you. Since both believers and non-believers experience suffering, when a non-believer knows that you are a believer, they are watching how you respond to your suffering.

1 Peter 4:13
but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.

Remember that you cannot avoid suffering. You can't find yourself smack dab in the middle of suffering, and then hit the Esc button and say, "Okay, that's it, I'm ready to be done!" (Believe me, I have tried...)

So choose to be an example to others around you, believers and non-believers alike. Since you cannot control the circumstances of your suffering, focus on the things you do have control over: how you respond to your suffering. Remember that the eyes of the world are on you.

I also love how both pastors stated that suffering righteously does not mean you put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy about your suffering. No, that would make you delusional and insane. It's perfectly okay and expected of you to feel sadness or grief as you suffer. Remember that Jesus wept when Lazarus died? And that was before He raised him from the dead! Jesus still experienced that suffering of losing a beloved friend, and grieved that loss. But He still had complete and perfect faith in God to resurrect him. (Read John 11 for the full story.)  Follow Christ's example and how He responded to moments of suffering. Have complete faith that God is with you, loves you, and that He will eventually end your suffering.

Suffering Will Someday End
God is always with you, through suffering and non-suffering moments in your life.

1 Peter 5:6-7
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

And it's not hard to find Scripture about how much God loves you. John 3:16 anyone? Anyone?

God is with you during the suffering. He never leaves you (Hebrews 13:5).

Romans 5:3-5
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

And finally, if the beginning of suffering is inevitable, so is the end. You have hope.

1 Peter 5:10-11
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

IF Statements

I've taken a few computer programming courses in my schooling career, and the first conditional programming you learn is the IF statement. It's pretty straight forward:

IF (condition statement is true)
    Do this.
ELSE
    Do this instead.

It makes sense that this is the first kind of conditional programming that students learn. Why? Because that's how we, as humans, tend to operate in life.

If (whatever) happens to me, then I'll do (whatever). Otherwise, I'll do (whatever). In essence, it's your basic human being, forming a plan of their own. They have their plan clearly decided on, and they're ready with a back-up plan, just in case.

But life doesn't follow our plans. Perhaps it's better restated: Life doesn't initialize your planned program first, and then run with it. Sometimes, it just so happens that your plan and life actually do match up. But to think that it matches up because you wrote the program is asking for a humility software upgrade to be installed. I bet each and every person reading this right now has at some point in their lives known exactly what it feels like to suddenly realize that life happened not according to your plan. Ah, those wonderful moments of getting one of these in real life:

So what's a human being to do?

The point I'm trying to make is that you really have no choice when life throws something unexpected at you. Now, I'm not talking about predestination or free will here. I do believe we as human beings have free will, but it's a fact that we are limited beings and only have control over limited amounts. There will inevitably be moments in your life that will be unexpected and unplanned for you. That's what I mean by "you really have no choice". Get ready, it's coming.

A really inspiring example of this is found in Daniel 3. Daniel had three friends, abbreviated SAM for short (one for S, one for A, and one for M) because I don't want to try to type their crazy long names right now. ;)

So Daniel and SAM were all in the Babylonian kingdom because King Nebuchadnezzar had invaded and exiled the people of Judah and Jerusalem. Daniel just so happens to not be in this chapter I'm discussing.

So King Nebuchadnezzar made a golden statue idol, and he called for all the people to bow down and worship it. The decree was that any who didn't bow down and worship it would be immediately cast into a furnace of blazing fire. SAM were present and did not bow down and worship the idol because they loved and honored the Lord. Some tattle-tales went and told King Nebuchadnezzar that SAM did not bow down and worship the idol, so therefore they should be cast into the furnace, right? So King Nebuchadnezzar called SAM to his presence, and he asked them if it's true that they would not bow down and worship his golden idol. He also warned them: "But if you do not worship, you will immediately be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire; and what god is there who can deliver you out of my hands?"

I'm going to just copy and paste their reply, because I could not restate it better:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

The story is so fascinating and ends with the miraculous preservation of their three lives after being thrown into the furnace that was heated to 7x hotter than usual. Not a hair on their bodies was singed.

But the part I want to focus on is their response to the unexpected and unplanned situation that life threw at them. They had great faith.

They never doubted God's power or ability to deliver them from their bad situation or circumstances. They also recognized that though their God was perfectly powerful and able to save them, He might not choose to. But even if He did not, they were resolved to remain faithful until the end. Until the potential end of their lives.

Now if you're struggling with an unplanned detour in your life, you may struggle a lot like I have (am) with the thought that God might not choose to deliver you from what you're going through. In my case, God might not choose to give Michael and me biological children. Trust me when I tell you, that thought is incredibly hard to swallow. It is so difficult to admit that that may be our future, how our journey ends. But we are called to remain faithful...even if He does not answer our prayers according to our plans. We are called to love God, no matter how this journey ends. Can you do that? Can you remain faithful until the very end? Can I?

I hope so. I plan to live my life and eventually die trying -- no matter what unexpected events come my way. I think that's the one plan that God wants us all to keep. I hope these three men inspired you as much as they inspired me.

Love & Hope,
Christine

Expectations vs. Desires

In our marriage, Michael is typically the optimist and I'm typically the pessimist realist. My mother raised me under the expression "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." So that's how I have always approached events in my life. For example, I was a very good student throughout my years of school. I don't mean to sound pompous, but just state the fact that I generally performed well in whatever class I took (there were certainly exceptions!). But nearly every time I would take an exam, even if the exam felt extremely easy to me, I would tell myself that I probably failed -- preparing for the worst, right? Then when the test score would be anything above passing, I'd be thrilled.

I don't necessarily like this viewpoint. In my opinion, viewing life this way causes one to sound like a negative person. Always saying things (either to others or to yourself) like, "There's no way we're pregnant this month" or "I doubt it'll happen this month" has only made me feel like I'm a Negative Nancy. And even though I tell myself those negative things, my hopeful heart cannot be contained sometimes. For instance, I'll take a pregnancy test a day before my period is supposed to start, of course it's negative, which disappoints me in the moment, but there's still this little, stubborn, hopeful part of me that thinks, maybe it's wrong. And when my period doesn't start right when I think it's supposed to, I'm convinced I must be pregnant. Then hours later or the next day when my period finally starts, it's heartbreaking, and I feel so stupid for thinking the test could be wrong when it hasn't lied to me yet.

So needless to say, I struggle a lot with how to keep my hopes high, without getting them too high so it doesn't hurt as bad when I fall down with disappointment, or when the captain of the red team, Aunt Flow, sends me hurtling back down to reality.

What's the right approach for my attitude? Should I just say the words "I'm pregnant!" just to feel what that feels like? To speak that into existence through faith?

How do you stay positive, without getting your hopes up too high? How much is too hopeful? When does hopeful become delusional and setting yourself up for depression-type disappointment?

I asked Michael about this, and as usual, I just love the wisdom he shares with me. He has a God-given and natural ability to be able to put things into words in a way that are so helpful to me. He said in my situation, it seems like what I'm doing is having expectations rather than desires. Like I'm expecting either extreme: to be pregnant or not to be pregnant. I'm either telling myself "Yes, this must be it!" or "No way, not happening!" When instead, my thoughts and attitude should be one of desires, not expectations. He said having a desire to have children is a good desire. It's biblical. It's godly. It's good. God wants us to desire children. So just stop it at that - at the point of expressing my desires - before it turns into expectations, into the two extremes.

Duh!

Sometimes something can be so simple, but so difficult to figure out for yourself. This was one of those things for me. In fact, it made me realize that for my whole life, I had been viewing events with expectations, with the two extremes. I misinterpreted the the "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" mantra. Hoping for the best is having a desire for the best. Having a desire for the thing you want. I'll come back to the second part of the mantra in a moment.

What differentiates expectations from desires? Sometimes a simple Google search is all that's needed to provide some needed perspective.

Expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
Desire: A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

So both attitudes are strong in their feelings. But the difference is believing something will for sure happen, and the other is stopping it at wanting or wishing for the thing to happen, not depending or relying on the certainty of that said thing happening.

In summary, it's GOOD to desire to have children, but NOT GOOD to expect to have children. Or in my case, to expect that we'll have children this month. Or next month. Or next month. So what I've been doing since Michael helped me realize this flaw in my attitude is every time I have a thought about wanting to have children or wondering if I might be pregnant at this very moment, I stop and pray the following:

God, I strongly desire to have children. Please give me strength to be patient and to wait for Your timing. If this month is not the time You have chosen to give us a child, please prepare my heart for that disappointment.

This past April, during National Infertility Awareness Week, I posted the following picture on Facebook to raise awareness about the average number of times per week that I think about my desire to have children. I actually counted, and wrote a tally mark on my arm to keep a running total.  So as you can see, this gives you an idea of how many times each day that I end up saying that prayer. A. W.H.O.L.E. L.O.T.

The "but prepare for the worst" part of the mantra was the part that I really had wrong. It doesn't have to mean "be super negative about everything", it could simply mean allowing yourself to think through what you would do if the thing you're hoping for doesn't happen. How would you handle it? What would you do? It does NOT mean you should tell yourself "It definitely won't happen."

So again, thanks to my husband's encouragement and wisdom yesterday, he suggested that I allow myself time each month to be sad for a moment. Because my desire to have children is a desire God wants me to have, it's okay, it's a good thing even, to feel sad when that desire is not answered or given. He suggested I take some time, actually plan some time and be intentional about it, to be sad. And then move on, let it go for that month, and then strive to be hopeful the rest of the time.

Again, it sounds simple, but it's something I had never done before. Sure, I usually ended up by myself in a closet, curled up in a fetal position on the floor, sobbing, but that wasn't planned or intended. So my new plan of action for this is to set aside time every month, when my monthly disappointment arrives, to be sad. I plan to sit somewhere by myself, with a Bible and Kleenex nearby, and a journal and pen ready to write my feelings out. I may even try to write letters to my future children, or simply write my desires for my children out on paper. To celebrate the beautiful fact that God has given me this desire, that perhaps doesn't come naturally to others. To be sad. To be allowed to be sad. For a moment. For a specific, planned, intentional moment.

Identity

Who am I?

If you think about it, really stop and think about it, this question can be difficult to answer about yourself. At the most basic, you have your name. But beyond that, the answer could be anything.

I don't recall ever struggling with my identity while growing up. Maybe I knew, maybe I didn't. But what I do know is that in college I allowed myself to start identifying myself by my circumstances. Before I met Michael, I was Single. After I met Michael, I was Girlfriend.

Then I identified myself as Wife. It stayed this way for a long time, and I was content focusing fully on being that identity, Wife. I didn't feel a need or desire to find another identity. I didn't even know that I was only identifying myself as Wife, and nothing else.

But then, we made a decision. A decision that caused a switch to flip in my mind, instantly changing my identity from Wife to Mother. Or better yet, Wife AND Mother. There. It was done. Decided.

But this was where the first crack started in my identity. Nearly two years ago, this hairline crack was started. From that point on, it did only what cracks do, what cracks are best at: getting bigger, getting longer, getting wider. Until my identity looked like this:

What happened?! But God, I don't think you understand who I am. I'm Wife AND Mother. Why hasn't the Mother part of that identity happened yet? ("Where's your baby!?", LOL)

I wish I had been intuitive enough to pick up on this a while ago. To have actually realized that I was placing my identity in things out of my control. Even Wife. Wife can be stripped from me at any moment. So what should I call myself?

Child. Chosen. Redeemed.

I found this wonderful article that lists all the things God calls us, with Scripture references.

I am Child. This will never change. Even after my earthly parents pass away, I will always remain the Chosen, Redeemed, Child of God.

And here I am, Child, longing for a child of my own. Longing to be a loving, respectful wife. Longing to be a kind, loving person to others. But in the end, from physical birth, to spiritual birth, to physical death, I have and will always be Child. Chosen Child. Redeemed Child. Beloved Child. The fact that I am Child of God is my constant identity.

And this is only possible because of Christ. Christ allowed us all to have only one true eternal identity. When the world around us crumbles to pieces, our identity as Child of God will remain forever.

Believe it or not, I have arm wrestling to thank for this realization of my identity. Yes, arm wrestling.

Photo taken by U Name It Creative Services

Michael has always been a man of variety. He has many interests and hobbies. It's a natural personality trait of his that I've always admired. Because after we met, dated, and got married, I stopped pursuing hobbies. I now know that happened because I was calling myself Wife instead of Child. So as time went on, he kept pursuing various hobbies, while I would focus on being Wife or doing relaxing activities to pass the time. But as Michael was spending a lot of time recently pursuing his latest hobby of arm wrestling (he's building an arm wrestling table to practice for tournaments and train), I found myself starting to feel lost. I wasn't Mother yet. I was losing motivation to be Good Wife. I was basing my identity on my circumstances. So Michael was persistent in asking me what hobbies I enjoy.

I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to answer his question - the result of years of misplacing my true identity. Finally a little mortar was placed on those cracks. I love riding horses. Always have, ever since I could remember. I started taking horse lessons at 4 years old.

Although I never owned my own horse, my parents continued to bless me with paying for horse lessons throughout high school.

And then in college God blessed me by allowing me to be on the equestrian team. It's actually an interesting story how that happened. It shows that it was really God's effort, not just my own. When I was spending the summer before my college freshman year with my aunt in North Carolina, she helped me put together an application for the equestrian team. But I had already missed the tryout period. So during my freshman year, I participated in an intramural type club that occasionally allowed us to go horseback riding with school-owned horses. I enjoyed it so much! Then a fellow club member, who was on the equestrian team herself, told me about the upcoming tryouts for the team. So I tried out, but received an email at the end of my freshman year that they would not be able to accept me on the team.

But then at the end of the summer, just before my sophomore year, I received a random email offering a second congratulations for being chosen to be on the team. It had information about when and where to report for the first meeting. I was in shock. Was it a mistake? Did they mean to email this to me? I don't remember if I ever questioned it, but the point is that I showed up and they were prepared for me to join (had forms and items with my name ready, etc.) I was so shocked how God re-opened a door I thought had permanently closed. Even though I wasn't ever chosen to compete in a show, I still had the pleasure of being on the team for two years. Essentially, I got to take free riding lessons for two years, got free stuff, had a physical trainer who designed our workouts, and had the honor of being on an NCAA team. I decided to quit my senior year to focus on my academics and planning our wedding, already calling myself Wife!

So now my plan is to try to pursue this hobby. I would love to get back into horseback riding again, just for fun this time (not interested in competing in shows). So I'm looking into the possibility of leasing a horse that I can go and ride once or twice a week. It's funny how quickly I got excited about this hobby, after spending years never thinking about my own hobbies. I'm so glad God helped me find my proper identity again!

Love & Hope,
Christine, a.k.a. Child of God

You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up, People!

Last night Michael and I attended a double-retirement reception in honor of two fellow co-workers. The reception took place in a hotel banquet room, with light appetizer foods and alcoholic beverages for purchase. Lots and lots of employees from our work were there: young, old, middle aged, male, female, new, been around forever...get the idea? Your standard mix of people. Normal people.

But what happens to me?

As I'm standing just behind Michael between a wall and a table, very much out of the way of the highly trafficked middle, I sense that there's someone behind me, so I turn around. It's a middle-aged to older woman, who I later find out also works for our company even though I had never met her before, whose first spoken words to me are: "So, where's the baby???"

*Crickets chirping....to allow the similar moment of shock to hit you like it did me...*

Me: "What baby?"
Crazy Lady: "Your baby!"
Me: "...I don't have a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "You don't have a baby?!"
Me: .....
Crazy Lady: "I'm looking for John's other son..."
Me: "Okay..."
Crazy Lady: "They have a baby."
Me: (Pointing across the room to a young woman holding a baby) "There's a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh, I've already met her, she's John's other son's wife, that I've already met."
Me: "I'm sorry, I cannot help you..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh okay, well I'm [Name Withheld, even though she deserves to have it slandered here], and I work in Administration."

I finish the introduction of myself and Michael, who turned around about the time I pointed to the woman holding the baby, and then turn my back to her.

You just can't make this stuff up.

After again asking Michael if I look pregnant, or like I have a baby attached to the side of my body, I asked him, "Why does this keep happening to me? Seriously, why me? That could have happened to any other young looking woman in the room, why did that happen to me?"

His answer sparked my thinking to remember the truth of Ephesians 6:11-13 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."

His answer was "Because you're struggling."

He is completely right. It's not a simple coincidence that events like above, or like this, or like THIS keep happening to me. Or that similar events happen to my fellow infertile friends. The enemy is using every opportunity he can scrounge up to steal my hope, faith, and joy - to get me to doubt my all-powerful God, and what's most challenging is that all of the enemy's efforts are unseen physically. The enemy is working actively behind the scenes, under the radar, in secret, in disguise, in the darkness, undetected and unrelenting.

Praise the Lord that He has conquered ALL! He has provided each and every person the opportunity to readily prepare for those battles. He freely gave His Son to allow us to have an eternal relationship with Him, to allow His Holy Spirit to live in our hearts to win the final battle no matter how you get there. Furthermore, He has freely given us His everlasting Word, the source of 100% truth, and that has the ability to train us, and teach us to put on the full armor of God. Amen to that!

Hope in Mud

This was a picture I took while Michael and I were driving to work. Can you tell what it is? I bet it's difficult to place the context of this picture due to my mad-photo-cropping skills.




Here's the original picture:

That's right, a mud flap. My inspirational word of choice. On a mud flap.

Without getting too poetic, this is kind of what life is like, right? You're trucking along (couldn't help the pun) in life, and then bam, you find yourself stuck in the mud, weighed and pulled down by your problems.

But HOPE can exist in the darkest, smallest, dirtiest, and most unlikely of places, even in the mud of your life.

You won't be stuck forever. Surely, there is an end in sight. Hopefully, one day you will rise up out of the mud and look back at that mud pit with thankfulness and relief.

There is no situation or place you could ever end up where hope is the wrong thing to have. God loves it when we have hope. He wants us to always have hope.

Romans 8:24-25
For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Those Stinkin' Spaghetti Noodles

Have you ever heard of or read the book Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel? In case you haven't, it's a Christian book about the differences between men and women. Men, in general, are like waffles with little "boxes" for everything (they typically compartmentalize their thoughts). Women are typically like spaghetti "noodles", where thoughts connect and intertwine into a seemingly chaotic and confusing way (if you're a man, lol). You could be talking about dinner last night, go to the topic of traffic on the way home from the grocery store, and then be talking about your favorite part of the movie you saw last week.

For Michael and me, we definitely fit into the stereotype depicted in this book. My brain is made up of nothing but noodles. I can change topics from 0 to 60 mph in a second. Oh, and we need to get our oil changed soon...

(See what I did there? You just had your first ride on one of my brain's spaghetti noodles. Welcome to Michael's world.)

Well, this thought process is usually not a problem for me. I don't mind thinking the way I do. And usually I don't mind having to explain and re-explain how I got from topic A to B when Michael gives me that look of confusion because I switched topics too fast. But in terms of our infertility journey, this way of thinking has come back to bite me in the spaghetti noodle. Now I'm hungry. We're making turkey burgers tonight. Mmm, I love sweet potato fries.

Okay, back to my main topic.

Yesterday Michael was cleaning up the garage, and one of the items that was in the garage was a small side table that his mom gave to us. It's has a piece that's loose and needs to be glued (hence why it was stored in the garage), but to help save room in the garage, I offered to carry it inside and put it in one of the bedrooms until we're ready to glue it.

So I carried it inside into the front/office bedroom and set it by the wall.

Then I got slapped by a wet noodle.

My thoughts switched over to how perfect this table would be for a nursery. It would easily sit next to a nursery glider, hold a lamp on top, and baby books on the bottom shelf. And I realized I'm sitting in the room we planned to be a nursery, Lord willing. Sitting on the floor, staring at this table, and the stained glass horse night-light plugged into the wall (also set aside, waiting for this room to become a nursery), crying and overcome with grief.

I just sat there and cried, and prayed. How long will we have to wait, Lord? Please give us direction about what to do in the meantime. Please give me strength to be patient and wait.

The moment ended after about 5 minutes, but the heaviness in my heart lasted the rest of the evening. A simple thing, such as a table, can set my emotions off. I know from speaking to other women who struggle with infertility that I'm not the only one who has moments like this.

When you struggle with infertility, or anything that causes a deeply emotional response, there can be so many things that connect to that one spaghetti noodle. There are any number of ways to trigger that noodle. For me, that's what makes it so hard. I cannot predict or control when or how that noodle will be set off. There are some situations that are obvious and predictable - like baby showers or children's birthday celebrations. I have stopped attending those types of events. But many moments are started in random places and situations. Unpredictable. Unexpected. Unprepared. Unable to stop to sudden uprising of emotions.

If you can relate to this, I just want to encourage you (and myself) to do everything you can to build up some armor. You will be assaulted, there's no changing or avoiding that. So be ready to fight back.

Ephesians 6:11
Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

Ephesians 6:13-16
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

James 4:8
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Be ready. Stay in God's Word. Continue to pray. Never cease praying. Be on guard. And fight.