If you think about it, really stop and think about it, this question can be difficult to answer about yourself. At the most basic, you have your name. But beyond that, the answer could be anything.
I don't recall ever struggling with my identity while growing up. Maybe I knew, maybe I didn't. But what I do know is that in college I allowed myself to start identifying myself by my circumstances. Before I met Michael, I was Single. After I met Michael, I was Girlfriend.
Then I identified myself as Wife. It stayed this way for a long time, and I was content focusing fully on being that identity, Wife. I didn't feel a need or desire to find another identity. I didn't even know that I was only identifying myself as Wife, and nothing else.
But then, we made a decision. A decision that caused a switch to flip in my mind, instantly changing my identity from Wife to Mother. Or better yet, Wife AND Mother. There. It was done. Decided.
But this was where the first crack started in my identity. Nearly two years ago, this hairline crack was started. From that point on, it did only what cracks do, what cracks are best at: getting bigger, getting longer, getting wider. Until my identity looked like this:
What happened?! But God, I don't think you understand who I am. I'm Wife AND Mother. Why hasn't the Mother part of that identity happened yet? ("Where's your baby!?", LOL)
I wish I had been intuitive enough to pick up on this a while ago. To have actually realized that I was placing my identity in things out of my control. Even Wife. Wife can be stripped from me at any moment. So what should I call myself?
Child. Chosen. Redeemed.
I found this wonderful article that lists all the things God calls us, with Scripture references.
I am Child. This will never change. Even after my earthly parents pass away, I will always remain the Chosen, Redeemed, Child of God.
And here I am, Child, longing for a child of my own. Longing to be a loving, respectful wife. Longing to be a kind, loving person to others. But in the end, from physical birth, to spiritual birth, to physical death, I have and will always be Child. Chosen Child. Redeemed Child. Beloved Child. The fact that I am Child of God is my constant identity.
And this is only possible because of Christ. Christ allowed us all to have only one true eternal identity. When the world around us crumbles to pieces, our identity as Child of God will remain forever.
Believe it or not, I have arm wrestling to thank for this realization of my identity. Yes, arm wrestling.
Michael has always been a man of variety. He has many interests and hobbies. It's a natural personality trait of his that I've always admired. Because after we met, dated, and got married, I stopped pursuing hobbies. I now know that happened because I was calling myself Wife instead of Child. So as time went on, he kept pursuing various hobbies, while I would focus on being Wife or doing relaxing activities to pass the time. But as Michael was spending a lot of time recently pursuing his latest hobby of arm wrestling (he's building an arm wrestling table to practice for tournaments and train), I found myself starting to feel lost. I wasn't Mother yet. I was losing motivation to be Good Wife. I was basing my identity on my circumstances. So Michael was persistent in asking me what hobbies I enjoy.
I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to answer his question - the result of years of misplacing my true identity. Finally a little mortar was placed on those cracks. I love riding horses. Always have, ever since I could remember. I started taking horse lessons at 4 years old.
Although I never owned my own horse, my parents continued to bless me with paying for horse lessons throughout high school.
And then in college God blessed me by allowing me to be on the equestrian team. It's actually an interesting story how that happened. It shows that it was really God's effort, not just my own. When I was spending the summer before my college freshman year with my aunt in North Carolina, she helped me put together an application for the equestrian team. But I had already missed the tryout period. So during my freshman year, I participated in an intramural type club that occasionally allowed us to go horseback riding with school-owned horses. I enjoyed it so much! Then a fellow club member, who was on the equestrian team herself, told me about the upcoming tryouts for the team. So I tried out, but received an email at the end of my freshman year that they would not be able to accept me on the team.
But then at the end of the summer, just before my sophomore year, I received a random email offering a second congratulations for being chosen to be on the team. It had information about when and where to report for the first meeting. I was in shock. Was it a mistake? Did they mean to email this to me? I don't remember if I ever questioned it, but the point is that I showed up and they were prepared for me to join (had forms and items with my name ready, etc.) I was so shocked how God re-opened a door I thought had permanently closed. Even though I wasn't ever chosen to compete in a show, I still had the pleasure of being on the team for two years. Essentially, I got to take free riding lessons for two years, got free stuff, had a physical trainer who designed our workouts, and had the honor of being on an NCAA team. I decided to quit my senior year to focus on my academics and planning our wedding, already calling myself Wife!
So now my plan is to try to pursue this hobby. I would love to get back into horseback riding again, just for fun this time (not interested in competing in shows). So I'm looking into the possibility of leasing a horse that I can go and ride once or twice a week. It's funny how quickly I got excited about this hobby, after spending years never thinking about my own hobbies. I'm so glad God helped me find my proper identity again!
Love & Hope,
Christine, a.k.a. Child of God
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