Friday, March 30, 2012

How Am I Really

"Hey! How are you?"

Such a commonly asked question, from strangers and close friends alike. What's your reflex response? Mine is always "Good!" usually followed by repeating the question back to the person.

I respond this way without even thinking. In fact, I've been the initiator and stated the first question without much care of getting a response, it's more of a social courtesy as opposed to ignoring my co-worker as we pass in the hallway. Have you noticed how people don't seem to wait for a response before continuing to walk by? I'm guilty of it too.

It doesn't matter if I've had a good or bad day, my reflex response is "Good!". But there are moments when I'm asked that question, where even though I respond "Good!", my heart screams something different.

So what is the right way to respond? I toil with this thought sometimes. Is it better to just put on a fake smile and reply "Good!" even though my true state of feelings reflect something quite other than "Good!"? Or does that make me a liar? Should I dodge the question with something like, " are you?" Or do I let the truth of my feelings come out, however they may? "I'm struggling a lot right now because I really want to be a mother, but it's just not God's plan yet." (And because I sometimes have sin in my heart, my thoughts and feelings are not stated quite that nicely.)

I'm sure the right way to respond may depend on the audience. I would not feel comfortable divulging such personal detail to a co-worker or stranger, but when it's an acquaintance maybe the line starts to blur a bit. Maybe the best response is simply that "I'm hanging in there."

I'm so thankful for our friends and family who support us through prayer and love. I feel comfortable being honest with them when I'm asked that question, and trust them enough to share my deeper struggles.

So here's to honesty and truth. How am I? No, Really?

I am not okay. I am weak, sad, and tired of waiting. I struggle with thoughts of envy and bitterness sometimes when I think of friends who have already had children. I feel paranoid that every time I log onto Facebook or attend church that I'm about to find out yet another friend is pregnant. I feel angry when I hear parents complaining about their children. I feel angry when I hear a pregnant woman complaining about her pregnancy. I feel guilty for thinking such sinful thoughts. I feel scared that I'm being left behind while the world is allowed to move on without me. I feel scared at the dark thoughts and What If's like, what if I never bear my own child? What if something is seriously wrong with my body? I feel alone.

But the GOOD NEWS is that I'm not alone. I may feel alone and left behind, but that feeling is a lie that springs from either the enemy or my own sinful nature. The truth is that even though I gave up hope a long time ago, God was there for me and took over when I needed Him to. I am weak, but He is forever strong. I am sad, but He is pure joy. I fell to my knees, broken-hearted, long ago, and God was there, catching every tear I shed, and picked me up, and has carried me ever since. My hope is in Him. My joy is in Him. I am never alone.

It hasn't been easy in the least. To be where I am today, being carried through this trial by my Savior, required me to relinquish control and surrender my all to Him. There was such freedom from that moment on. The dark thoughts still try to creep in daily, but He is right there, willing and ready to chase those thoughts away, as long as I make the decision to surrender them to Him and ask Him to help me. He is so beautifully faithful. Rest all your worries, fears, and your deepest heart's desires in Him, and He will never fail you, never let you go.

Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

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