Don't Be a Fiddler

"I'm fiddling"

(You get an 'A' if you know what movie this is from!)

Are you a fiddler? I'm the type that will fiddle with something in my hands when I'm thinking, conversing, listening...it's just something I mindlessly do with various objects nearby. I'm usually not actively thinking about it. My hands seem to have a mind of their own in that way and before I know what happened, I look down and realize I've unscrewed the pen tip or I'm twirling my wedding rings around my finger.

Infertility can be like that. Without even realizing what happened, you can find yourself going from carefree to fretting. You can find yourself obsessing about one tiny detail or following the thought pathway of a particular what-if scenario.

I've come to realize that the enemy uses these "mind fiddles" as an opportunity to decrease your faith. Because when I have that moment of realization that I've been fretting about something, I realize that I feel more hopeless and alone. The enemy uses those opportunities to draw you away from God.

So it's very important to faithfully and continually evaluate yourself. If you realize you're fretting or that you've started claiming the reins of your life/situation thinking you have control over something that you really don't...release it. Give them back to God.

1 Peter 5:6-11
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, 7 casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you. 8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. 9 But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world. 10 After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 11 To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

It's unfortunately not a decision you just make once; it's a decision you have to keep making throughout your journey (and whole life, I would argue). Let it go, and put the reins back into God's hands. Take charge of your thoughts, and direct them where you know they should go.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5
3 For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh, 4 for the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh, but divinely powerful for the destruction of fortresses. 5 We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ

Take ownership of what you do have control over, but nothing beyond that...you have to let those things go. It's worth it, because whose hands are more capable than God's?

Hopeful Mother's Day

Mother's Day. A day to celebrate mothers. But how exactly do you define a mother?

In a church service, Mother's Day usually includes a special "Standing of the Mothers Ceremony." It's not normally called such a prestigious title, but for some women, that's exactly how it feels. Sometimes small gifts or roses are given to those who stand. The picture above shows a church crowd on Mother's Day, where the mothers were asked to stand. I don't know why some men are also standing...but notice that there are some women who are still seated.

This very special day can be very complicated. Is a mother strictly a woman who has born a child? What about adoptive moms? What about women who bore a child that died in its infancy? What about a woman who had a stillbirth? Miscarriage? Pregnant? Infertile? What about single women who desperately long to get married and have children?

This public event at church - that I'm sure has very good intentions to honor mothers - at the same time dishonors and isolates women in these complicated classifications. To stand or not to stand, that really is the question.

I long to be a mother, but it's not the appointed time for me yet. But my heart already acts like a mother's heart. My heart is already so full of love for my children, and I haven't even met them yet. Does that mean I'm "worthy" of standing? I have five furry children...does that count? Have I earned my mother's badge?

I love that there's a special day to celebrate mothers, I just wish that we could honor mothers without isolating non-mothers. This blog post addresses this issue very well.

So what to do, what to do?

Moms Already
You are so blessed. Psalm 127:3 says, "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward." Please be considerate of other women around you who may be deeply hurting on this day. Don't be afraid to reach out to those women and encourage them, pray for them, and love them. And please think twice before you utter a complaint about being tired, frustrated, spit up on, etc. Learn to better appreciate the blessings you have been given. You are richly blessed, so have a heart of joy and thankfulness.

Wanna Be Moms
This day will be hard for you. Brace yourself, it comes every year. You should decide for yourself how you will handle this day. We personally choose to skip church on this day, because our church congregation still does the Standing of the Mothers Ceremony. And there is nothing more awkward and painful for me than sitting in a room full of women who have the honor of standing, where all I long to do is have the credentials necessary to stand. I literally have dreams about being in a room full of pregnant women/mothers. It's isolating and painful, so I choose to avoid this day to protect my heart.

But don't let this day be a day of darkness for you. You may not have a physical (human) child yet, but you will one day. Each new day you wake up, you are one day closer to meeting your child. So stay strong in the Lord. Worship Him for His goodness. His plan is perfect and beautiful. Pray for strength, comfort, and peace to wait patiently for His plan to unfold. Treasure this time with your husband, and celebrate the day as a day of Hopeful Mother's Day.

Church Body, Pastors, and Congregation
Know that the church body is composed of sinners. This means that the black and white mother/non-mother descriptors are a thing of the past. So let's just celebrate and honor the mothers we know personally, rather than having a formal Standing of the Mothers Ceremony. Mothers should be honored, but not in the way that is done in many churches today. So reach out to the mothers you know and tell them how much you appreciate them. Encourage and uplift them. And also be aware of the more complicated situations, like adoptive, infertile, and former parents. There is much suffering in the church body, and we should all seek to uplift and love on those who suffer. Let compassion be your motto.

Happy Hopeful Mother's Day!!

Jealousy - Green Is Not My Best Color

I have struggled with jealousy for all my life. Blame it on being an only child, or simply the fact that I'm a regular, sinful, selfish human being...often times my first response to someone who has something that I want but don't have is a response of jealousy. This especially became a foothold for me when we first began struggling with infertility. It took every ounce of strength I possessed to not dwell on thoughts like this (and I often failed, allowing myself to stew in jealousy):

Why does she deserve a baby and I don't?
She's so ungrateful for being pregnant by complaining so often, it just makes me sick.
I bet I would handle that so much better than her.
It's so unfair that teenagers get pregnant all the time after "just once", yet I can't get pregnant at all!

And on and on...turning greener and greener by the minute.

As I learned to depend on the Lord, and give everything about this journey to Him, submitting to His and only His plan, it became easier for me to reject thoughts of jealousy. I still face many temptations to be jealous about others' pregnancies and children, but the more I focus my attention heavenward, the easier it gets to move past the narrow-focused thought of jealousy.

I still intentionally protect myself by setting boundaries that aid my ability to reject jealousy, such as refusing to attend all baby showers or visit newborns and new parents. I do this in the same way that a man who struggles with sexual purity might set a boundary by installing protective computer software or avoid seeing a movie with sexual content. It's only prudent to set yourself up for success rather than willingly entering a situation you know will lead you into temptation and struggle. But the greatest recipe for success is keeping your gaze focused on the Lord, pursuing Him actively.

Hebrews 12:1-2
Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

The Sarah's Laughter devotional below is a wonderful example of how jealousy, especially in the midst of infertility, can lead you away from the dream you so desperately long for. We infertile women must be extra cautious about the condition of our hearts. We must make every effort to not set ourselves against our husbands and begin a trend of instilling jealousy in our children. It does not mean you are not allowed to feel sadness and grief, but always viewing the world from the perspective of "what I'm not getting" is a selfish and narrow perspective to have. We must fix our eyes on the hope and plan God has for us.

Profile: Rachel April 15, 2013

Rachel was definitely one of us.  She wanted a baby so badly, and it seemed that nothing she tried worked.  There is much we can learn as we examine Rachel’s life.  Just as Hannah gave us examples of how we should strive to handle the heartache of infertility, Rachel gives us a crystal clear look at what pitfalls we need to avoid as best we can. Jealousy was a major chapter in Rachel’s infertility story.  Undoubtedly, the most painful reminder of her infertility was her sister.  Her sister who lived in her own house.  Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant.  Her sister who lived in her own house and was pregnant by Rachel’s husband.  I know it’s tough to be infertile in 2013, but most of us don’t have pregnant siblings living with us who are carrying our spouse’s child!  Ugh! Jealousy was such a factor in Rachel’s heart that it is one of the themes that Scripture shares with us about her life.  She was so jealous of her sister that it tainted everything she did, everything she said, and even played a role in the naming of her children that God did eventually grant her.  Rachel’s jealousy didn’t go away when her children were born.  It colored her parenting and even affected her children throughout their adult lives. All of us feel a twinge of jealousy when we see a pregnant woman or hear someone our age announce their third pregnancy.  Sometimes it’s more than a twinge!  Ask God to help you with this hurtful emotion when jealousy begins to rear its ugly head.  Don’t let your infertility story be written by jealousy’s hand. There is no doubt that Rachel was consumed by baby hunger.  She was also consumed by rage.  She was so angry that she couldn’t conceive and her anger spilled over into her relationships.  In Genesis 30:1, we see her snipping at her husband.  Chances are, it wasn’t the first argument they’d ever had regarding her inability to conceive.  “Give me children, or else I die!”  What was her husband, Jacob’s response?  Then Jacob’s anger burned against Rachel...(Genesis 30:2).  No wiping her tears.  No strong shoulder to lean on.  Rachel’s accusations lit a fire in her husband’s heart. (Remember Proverbs 15:1: “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”)  How many times could she lash out at Jacob without expecting him to reciprocate?  Chance are, he was doing everything he could possibly do to help her get pregnant.   Learn from Rachel’s mistakes.  How different would her life have been if she had found a way to harness jealousy and rage?  How much lighter would the burden of infertility have been had she not had to simultaneously struggle with broken relationships and hurt feelings? No one says it’s easy.  No one expects you to get through this season of your life with the total absence of anger or jealousy.  After all, you are a human being, you know.  But keep an honest eye on yourself and on your heart.  Don’t let Satan get a stronghold in your life as he tries to wrap your heart in anger and jealousy.

Living in the Now

Philippians 4:11-13
11 Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Take a moment to meditate on the verses above.

Today I want to speak directly to those reading this who are currently in the midst of infertility. Usually my posts are generic enough to apply to other life issues, and perhaps you'll still be interested in reading this, but I just feel compelled to level with my fellow infertile-sisters today.

My sweet sister, do not take the present for granted.

I know how easy it is and how often you dwell on your future hopes, and that's certainly not a bad thing. But you must be careful not to get so overly-focused on the future that you neglect the present.

Some "state-of-your-heart" questions to ask yourself are:

• Have I been an active participant in my other relationships besides my spouse, or have I pulled away?
• Are my husband and I focusing on our marriage well, or is there tension and strife?
• Am I over-consumed with the potential of being pregnant that I'm neglecting having fun? (Have a drink occasionally! Don't fret about eating sushi...bleh, if you like that sort of thing.)
• Do I become distraught over "wasting" another month when the timing of intercourse doesn't work out?
• Am I allowing time to become a master over my attitude? (Fretting about my age, timing intercourse, the timing of fertility treatments/decisions, etc.)
• Am I actually enjoying sex, or is my primary thought about the potential of conceiving?
• Have I been putting off any life-goals or activities for the hopeful possibility that this will be "the" month? 
• Am I angry with God for not answering my prayers?

Sisters, the present is full of wonderful adventures and beauty, you just have to allow yourself to live in it. And I get a free pass to say this next statement, because I'm still a member of the "infertile club": please enjoy the quiet house, the full night's sleep, and the spontaneity you have with your husband. Seriously ladies, enjoy it! Your house will one day have children in it, but not today. So don't let this time slip away without its proper appreciation. You are blessed today, and you will be blessed tomorrow. Be thankful for the present and learn to be content in your present circumstances, even if they are not the circumstances that align with your plans and desires.

Here's the latest update on us...

We are loving life. We are filled with the Lord's perfect peace and feel completely sure we are doing what God wants us to be doing right now with regard to growing our family: patiently waiting.

A few months ago, as my mental health improved and I finally overcame my depression about infertility (thanks to the Lord and better physical health!), I can honestly say that I have learned to be content about our family situation now. My baby room is still empty, but my heart is full of peace.

I've truly been thankful for the ability to have so much quality time together, just the two of us. Free of interruptions, dirty diapers and spit up. Quiet serenity at home (except for the occasional dog bark of course). Getting to sleep in a little on Saturdays. The ability to keep a (relatively) clean house. Even though I desire to be a stay-at-home Mom, we have a lot more "fun money" at our disposal because we both currently work full-time. That also means we'll pay off our house much sooner than if we had gotten pregnant according to our plan.

I really do want God's plan over my own. Many months ago, I had to recite that to myself, hoping I would actually believe and feel it one day. But that day has finally come. However God plans to bring children into our life, that's what I want. And I'm totally at peace about that. I'm just dedicated to soak up as much of the present as I can before God reveals His plan to us.

I can relate this feeling to the time when we were living in a one bedroom apartment and saving up for a house down payment. It was all I could do not to get worked up with desires and dreams about one day living in a house. It was an eventual certainty - we would be living in a house someday, just not quite yet. A real house! With a yard for the dogs, and more than one bedroom. More than one bathroom! But I also knew that I would likely never be in that present situation again - living meagerly to save as much as possible. Having crazy stories about how cramped we were living with 2 humans and 5 pets in a one bedroom apartment. Making up nicknames for all our neighbors. Walking to church. I knew that I better take good mental pictures, because one day I would look back on those "tough" times with fondness and nostalgia.

The same applies to your life in the midst of infertility. It's fun, good, and exciting to look ahead and dream. But you should make as much effort as possible to enjoy the present, while you still can. Don't be in such a hurry to rush this process. God has His plan already laid out, so try your best to sit back and live it out. Your precious time of "just the two of you" is running out quickly. You may not feel like it's quick, but trust me, one day you'll look back at this time and realize just how quick it was. So don't miss out on today's opportunities to enjoy your time together. This time is truly precious.

October Baby Movie

Here's a trailer for the movie, in case you've never heard of it:

Every Life is Beautiful.

That's the movie's tagline. We watched this movie last week and were moved to tears. For several reasons.

1. It's a reminder that no matter what, you have the power to forgive others for their wrongs. For their choices. But here's the key: you only have that power if you yourself hold the free gift of God's forgiveness through Jesus Christ in your heart. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:32

2. It's a reminder that God has a plan. And even when, from our narrow perspective, His plan includes pain, suffering, and death...there is inevitably beauty and glory to be found in that plan. When a life is lost due to miscarriage, abortion, murder, an accident, illness, suicide, or simply old age, it is a tragedy. It does not escape God's notice. It is within His sovereign plan. There can be joy found in those moments of sorrow. When a life is saved from those tragedies, it's for a purpose. Had a life been successfully aborted, then that life would never have interacted with all the people it eventually did. It's amazing how the chain of events are impacted. In our personal situation, we are beginning to see how God orchestrated every detail in our journey of pursuing to have children. Every moment of sadness, every setback, every disappointment...has led us to the place where we are today. God has used our painful journey to shape us, completely change our hearts about a variety of things, and open our minds to the reality of our health choices. Enough to change our diet and lifestyle forever. Which, in case you didn't know this about us, has now changed how we plan to raise, nurture, and nourish our future children. If we have anything to say about it, our children will not eat meat or dairy. When they are adults, they can make their own choices, but while in our house, they will be given no other choice than to follow our dietary standards because we believe it's what best for them. We can only speculate if God has spared us or our future children of some health-related condition that would have otherwise been developed. He is so good!

3. It's a beautiful story about adoption. Without spoiling too much of the movie, I'll simply say that it's tearjerking to hear stories of fallen, sinful human beings displaying the kind of unconditional love that God showed to us through Jesus. God adopted us horrible creatures as His children. We don't deserve it. We should not be desirable. But God loves us and adopted us anyway. When there is a child who is adopted in the world, it's beautiful. When there's a disabled or impaired child who is adopted, it's so beautiful. God loves us all. We should strive to return that love to all the world.


I highly recommend that you see the movie!

Settled In

It was a sunny afternoon on December 4, 2010. We had just returned from a church social event, where a mutual friend/couple had brought her twin girls. They were so precious! She asked me to help feed one of her girls, and I sat in awe as I held this little girl and gazed into her eyes as she sipped from her bottle. I remember thinking, "I could totally get the hang of this." (I formerly had a fear that I wouldn't have a clue how to take care of a baby's needs.) Michael came over shortly after and held one of the girls. I remember thinking how much I loved that image of him - my handsome husband holding a tender, delicate little baby girl.

I had been talking for months with Michael about how I felt more and more comfortable with the idea of starting a family. So this afternoon, after having been around babies, of course the conversation went that way again. I shared my feelings and desires to become a mom, and after expressing some concerns about financial stability and how a baby would dramatically change our lives, Michael agreed that we could begin trying.

Hooray!!! It just so happened that I was scheduled to ovulate a couple days later. What perfect timing to get pregnant, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning! How did I ever get to be so lucky to have that timing work out so well.

After a few days of enjoying the "consequences" of the decision to start trying (hint hint), I began counting down the days until I could take a pregnancy test. I had everything planned perfectly...I went to the Dollar Store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Kudos to me for saving some money!

Finally the day arrived when I could take the test. Having never taken one before, I of course had to read the instructions to make sure I did everything right. Put a couple drops of urine on the strip, wait 3 minutes, and then let the celebrations begin!

2 minutes 55 seconds...
2 minutes 56 seconds...
2 minutes 57 seconds...
2 minutes 58 seconds...
2 minutes 59 seconds...
3 minutes!

Wait a second...what does one line mean? Only one baby?

Negative...

It's amazing how much one tiny pink line can impact one's emotions. And it's equally amazing how quickly your mind can be inundated with thoughts of doubt.

Is there something wrong with me? With Michael? Will we have a hard time getting pregnant?

A little disappointed, I brushed off those thoughts, and was determined to figure out this whole conception thing. Christmas came and went.

I remember sitting in bed talking with Michael on New Year's Eve. We were discussing our New Year's Resolutions. Michael's was to compete in an arm-wrestling tournament (which he did). I remember stating mine: "To become a mom."

Oh dear was I setting myself up for disappointment. To make that a resolution, or even a goal or accomplishment was so naive. I had yet to learn how little control a person has on the conception of a life.

Fast forward to today. It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 7 days since that decision was made. 829 days to be exact.

829 days of waiting. Of prayers and pleading. Of tears and broken dreams. But also of growth and character development. Renewed faith and neverending hope. God has completely transformed the both of us in these past 829 days. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually...we are forever changed. We have a new mindset and heart when it comes to children and the hope of having them someday.

I personally went through darkness and thankfully, emerged again into His light. I know that I did not always behave or react the right way during these past 829 days, but I have learned so many valuable lessons.

I'm at a point now where I feel very settled in. Infertility is the norm for me now. I don't mean that in a depressed way. More of a comfort level kind of way. I am so used to the process of trying, waiting, grieving, and trying again, that I feel like if things were to change, it might take me some time to get used to that change.

I've always been slow to change...it's just my personality type. When I make a plan, I get uncomfortable if the plan changes. I used to be a lot worse about that, but I've relaxed quite a bit thanks to infertility. But still, I'm comfortable with where I am now. The thought of getting pregnant is almost bringing back the same fears as before we started trying. Wow, could I really learn how to take care of another life?

I realized the other day after we listened to a conference call about pregnancy that the Wellness Forum hosted that I know nothing about pregnancy and labor. I mean, I know the basics of what goes in must come out, but I'm lacking the details of what happens throughout a pregnancy, the stages of labor, and what in the world you're supposed to do with a baby when you take it home (without an instruction manual)...that's really scary to me. I intentionally forbade myself from reading and learning about it in order to keep my expectations from getting out of hand. I also wanted to save something special for pregnancy. Because of that, I realized that if the Lord does allow us to become pregnant, we will be starting completely over from scratch. We will have a ton of research to do and things to learn and decide about. I already feel like I need to start taking some deep breaths to relax!

Sometimes I imagine what our lives will look like if the Lord does allow us to get pregnant. Would it really change our lives and daily routine all that much? What social norms am I comfortable with now and which am I uncomfortable with? Will I one day forget about this struggle and begin to take our child for granted? And here's my biggest question: Will I always feel that twinge in my stomach whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman, or does that go away? I have gotten so used to that twingy feeling that it's hard to believe it will disappear over night.

I'm just so thankful that no matter what changes occur in our lives, one thing will remain unchanged:

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

Our lives could remain this way for even more years, or they could be thrown upside down with the blessing of a pregnancy. But God will always remain the same, forever the steady and peaceful presence by our side. Settled or unsettled, He is always with us. I'll close with a song I love that illustrates this point...enjoy!

Hindsight Series, Part 4: Sonia

Our last story is told by Sonia. Sonia and Cameron have been married for almost 12 years, where a third of that time was spent waiting for the Lord to bless them with a child. Please enjoy Sonia's story below. Thank you, Sonia, for taking the time to contribute!

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Sonia's Story

1. Please share your story/background briefly (about your journey of infertility and how it ended, where you are now)

Cameron and I tried, prayed, and trusted God for 4 years to get pregnant. We had all sorts of tests done, saw doctors & specialists, did 3 IUIs, I was treated by a Chinese acupuncturist & a Russian naturopath, took herbal fertility supplements, and were prayed over at a faith healing center by some friends. While I had different issues affecting my fertility, i.e. endometriosis & luteal phase defect, doctors never gave us definitive reasons as to why we couldn’t conceive. After 4 long years while taking a break from seeking treatment, to our surprise we were pregnant! God made the impossible, possible. Praise God! He first blessed us with our son, Lincoln (now 2.5 years old) and 10 months later, we got pregnant with our daughter, Naomi (now 1 year old).

2. Looking back, how was God at work during your time of waiting for children?

I think that God was maturing us. With Cameron, when we began trying to get pregnant, he wanted to have children, but it wasn’t a really strong desire. After a couple of years of trying, I feel that he began to really want to have children and become a father. With me, I feel like God drew me closer to Himself during that time of waiting. While reading through the Bible and in prayer, over and over God laid things on my heart. He impressed upon me that nothing was too difficult for Him, that He was right there with me on this journey, and that He loves me. I experienced a beautiful intimacy with the Lord unlike I ever had before. Suffering and waiting for a child is what brought me to my knees before my Savior. While the waiting was painful and harsh at times, there was a sweetness to it knowing that God was with me, right by my side, and that He would get me through it. Were there times when I lost hope that I would ever get pregnant? Yes. Often I rode on the hopes of others and my hope in God that He could do a miracle.

3. Looking back, what would you describe as the purpose for you having to wait for children? In other words, what do you think was the reason(s) you had to wait?

I feel like there were several reasons that I know of as to why I had to wait and the purpose behind it. Of course, I also realize that there were other reasons that I’m not aware of and that I may never know or understand. My role is to be faithful to Him and trust that He loves me, He works all things together for my good, and that He is in control. He is the author and sustainer of life. I had to learn to put my hope in Him, not in my doctor, upcoming procedure, or anything that I was doing. God wanted to use the time of waiting to grow and mature me. In the Bible, James 1:2-4 says that God uses hard times to develop perseverance. Perseverance helps us to mature. In Romans 5:3-4 it says that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance character, and character hope.

Another reason I think I had to wait was to give me compassion and sympathy for others going through infertility and other struggles. I was clueless about infertility before we journeyed through it. Looking back now I’m reminded about a few of the insensitive comments and questions I said to others. And those are only the ones I remember. I’m sure there were more. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says that God “comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God”. How beautiful is that? He comforts us and we comfort others out of the comfort we’ve received from Him. Infertility has definitely helped me to better be able to comfort others and walk with them.

4. What was the biggest lesson(s) you learned through your journey?

God’s character is never on trial. His character does not change whether it’s smooth sailing or I’m going through hard times. My circumstances do not dictate His character, His nature and who He is. Also, I’m not in control. I never was and I never will be. I thought I was in control of my life as I enjoy setting goals and planning. Infertility helped me to see that no matter how hard we tried, or what our doctors did, God is in control of my life. He is the author and sustainer of life. I believed before that in most things if you try hard enough, set your mind to something, you could accomplish anything. This is not the case with the miracle of life. It’s just that. It’s truly a miracle and God has to act.

5. What helped you endure the time of waiting?

Endure is the right word as it was such a challenging rollercoaster ride! For me it was spending time reading through the Bible and in prayer, journaling, seeing a counselor, meeting with other friends going through infertility, having family & friends pray for me and knowing that I wasn’t forgotten. Also important was allowing myself to grieve, but to not stay stuck in the grief. So I would have a good cry when I needed to and then I would ask for God’s help to endure. As a couple we continued to live life and do fun things like travel and visit friends. It was also critical to not compare myself to others. Comparison robs you of joy. So I made it my goal to keep my eyes on Jesus and to not shift my focus onto who all was pregnant or having babies.

6. If you could go back and tell your past self something -- the past self who is in the midst of waiting -- what would you say?

As you suffer, suffer well. God is going to redeem the time and turn the suffering into something beautiful if you let Him. It will be more beautiful than you could ever imagine. This is really hard, but you’re going to get through this and come out on the other side. Put your hope in Him, trust Him, lean on Him and the family and friends supporting you.

7. Is there anything else you'd like to share?

A friend of mine, Heather, once told me in the midst of waiting that God has in mind a certain time for my child to be born. God wants him to befriend certain people and influence those around him. I have seen that come true. God has given me some beautiful friendships through my son. There is a bigger plan at work around us. Allow God to do His work and you won’t be disappointed. You will be amazed!

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