Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My Sweet David

Lately I've blogged about how I've been feeling weary of going through infertility. I've felt tired of waiting, frustrated that I don't yet have children, and alone like God is ignoring my prayers. I was definitely at a low point in our journey.

Thankfully, I realized that I've been feeling this way, so I made it a point to pray about it. Even though I was feeling like fears and anxieties were overwhelming me, that all my prayers were falling on deaf ears, I still chose to pray. More specifically, I prayed and asked God to hear my prayers, to not forget me, and to please, please, please (I say a lot of please's in my prayers) reassure me somehow that this is only temporary...that one day, some how, I will hold my children in my arms and begin that next chapter in our lives.

I didn't feel reassurance right away. I didn't feel peace right away. But I continued to stay faithful and pursue fellowship with my God because I know in my heart that I'm most protected and at my best when I seek Him.

A few weeks later, God began to reassure me in little ways.

First, I started to notice a trend in the book of Psalms as I caught up on my Bible-reading plan. Many of the Psalms were written by David, and in case you don't know, David encountered various trials in his life. As a result of those trials, he wrote many psalms of prayer and lamentations about what was going on in his life. Well, the trend I started to notice was how often David said something similar to "Please God, don't turn Your face from me, please hear my prayer!"...but stated in a Psalms-kind-of-way. Seriously, read the first couple verses of Psalms 4, 5, 13, 17, 22, 28, 40, 54, 55, 61, 62, 64, 65, 69, 70, 77, 83, 86, 88, 102, 106, 109, 116, 120, 121, 130, 141, 142, and 143. And that is just a rough/quick list I made - I'm sure I skipped a few that were not at the start of a chapter. This reassured me that I'm not the only one who has felt this way - ignored by God, like my prayers are not being heard or answered. That realization gave me a sense of peace and reminded me of God's truth, that He hears all my prayers and will answer them, just according to His will and timing.

The next time of reassurance came in the form of the name of David. You see, when Michael and I had been dating for only two months, we picked boy and girl baby names that we wanted to use someday. You guessed it, the boy name we picked is David. (The girl name is Katherine, FYI. So be warned, if you know us and have a baby before us, and you choose either of these names...too bad, we're still going to use these names, and you heard it here first that no, we are not stealing the names from you - we've had these names in mind for over seven years now.)

Continuing with my story, at work in my building there are two elevators, and inside each one is an inspection certificate that shows the date of the last inspection and the date of the next inspection, a year later. Back when we first started trying to conceive (December 2010), my office was still on the third floor, so I rode in the elevators more often than I do now, since my office is now on the first floor. So back then, for whatever reason...really, I don't know why...whenever I would get on the elevator, which back then was at least once a day, my eyes would immediately go to the Date of Next Inspection and I would think and wish to myself, sometimes praying and asking God, that I would please be pregnant by the time that next inspection date rolls around. Seeing as how I'm now on my third certificate, this wish has not come true yet. (You may think it's silly, but sometimes women struggling with infertility set these little timelines on themselves. Without meaning to cause ourselves stress or anxiety, it just sort of happens. I try to take the stairs more often to avoid this type of depressing thought.)

But earlier this week, as I got on the elevator to go back downstairs, instead of my eyes immediately falling on the date of next inspection, they fell on something else. Something that has likely been on these inspection certificates for this entire time, and I never noticed until earlier this week. My eyes fell on the name of the person who issued the inspection certificate. You guessed it, his first name is David.

Then yesterday, I emailed a seller about something I might be interested in buying from Craigslist, and he responded by calling me to talk about it. You guessed it, his name was David.

What do I think this means? Well, I choose to see it as my God sending me a sweet message. I see it as God reassuring me that one day, I will have a son, which means that one day, I will get to hold my sweet David in my arms. One day. That day is not yet here, but that's okay. I am happy to wait for my David.

As a result of these little reassurances, I've actually started to pray for my children, wherever they are at this moment. I know their spirits are with God right now, waiting just like I am, until the moment where we finally get to meet one another. My sweet little David and Katherine are waiting for me as much as I am waiting for them.

Psalm 139:13-16
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.

Perhaps the reason I have not yet conceived is because my sweet little David or Katherine are meant to impact certain, specific people in this world, and so their conception must wait until the proper time. It's a beautiful thought, isn't it? My heart fills with so much peace and hope when I choose to have this bigger perspective about my future children, or even my future in general.

I'd like to close this post with a link to a fellow-infertile's blog post that talks about this type of thought with respect to waiting. I love the illustration she uses of waiting for the train to pass. Hopefully your heart will be as encouraged as mine was.

1 comment:

  1. SUCH AN AWESOME POST!!!!!! I just got to read the whole thing here in the office and it had me in tears (thankfully, no patients walked in the midst of my breakdown.) Absolutely beautiful job writing this, Christine.