You Just Can't Make This Stuff Up, People!

Last night Michael and I attended a double-retirement reception in honor of two fellow co-workers. The reception took place in a hotel banquet room, with light appetizer foods and alcoholic beverages for purchase. Lots and lots of employees from our work were there: young, old, middle aged, male, female, new, been around forever...get the idea? Your standard mix of people. Normal people.

But what happens to me?

As I'm standing just behind Michael between a wall and a table, very much out of the way of the highly trafficked middle, I sense that there's someone behind me, so I turn around. It's a middle-aged to older woman, who I later find out also works for our company even though I had never met her before, whose first spoken words to me are: "So, where's the baby???"

*Crickets chirping....to allow the similar moment of shock to hit you like it did me...*

Me: "What baby?"
Crazy Lady: "Your baby!"
Me: "...I don't have a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "You don't have a baby?!"
Me: .....
Crazy Lady: "I'm looking for John's other son..."
Me: "Okay..."
Crazy Lady: "They have a baby."
Me: (Pointing across the room to a young woman holding a baby) "There's a baby..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh, I've already met her, she's John's other son's wife, that I've already met."
Me: "I'm sorry, I cannot help you..."
Crazy Lady: "Oh okay, well I'm [Name Withheld, even though she deserves to have it slandered here], and I work in Administration."

I finish the introduction of myself and Michael, who turned around about the time I pointed to the woman holding the baby, and then turn my back to her.

You just can't make this stuff up.

After again asking Michael if I look pregnant, or like I have a baby attached to the side of my body, I asked him, "Why does this keep happening to me? Seriously, why me? That could have happened to any other young looking woman in the room, why did that happen to me?"

His answer sparked my thinking to remember the truth of Ephesians 6:11-13 "Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm."

His answer was "Because you're struggling."

He is completely right. It's not a simple coincidence that events like above, or like this, or like THIS keep happening to me. Or that similar events happen to my fellow infertile friends. The enemy is using every opportunity he can scrounge up to steal my hope, faith, and joy - to get me to doubt my all-powerful God, and what's most challenging is that all of the enemy's efforts are unseen physically. The enemy is working actively behind the scenes, under the radar, in secret, in disguise, in the darkness, undetected and unrelenting.

Praise the Lord that He has conquered ALL! He has provided each and every person the opportunity to readily prepare for those battles. He freely gave His Son to allow us to have an eternal relationship with Him, to allow His Holy Spirit to live in our hearts to win the final battle no matter how you get there. Furthermore, He has freely given us His everlasting Word, the source of 100% truth, and that has the ability to train us, and teach us to put on the full armor of God. Amen to that!

Hope in Mud

This was a picture I took while Michael and I were driving to work. Can you tell what it is? I bet it's difficult to place the context of this picture due to my mad-photo-cropping skills.




Here's the original picture:

That's right, a mud flap. My inspirational word of choice. On a mud flap.

Without getting too poetic, this is kind of what life is like, right? You're trucking along (couldn't help the pun) in life, and then bam, you find yourself stuck in the mud, weighed and pulled down by your problems.

But HOPE can exist in the darkest, smallest, dirtiest, and most unlikely of places, even in the mud of your life.

You won't be stuck forever. Surely, there is an end in sight. Hopefully, one day you will rise up out of the mud and look back at that mud pit with thankfulness and relief.

There is no situation or place you could ever end up where hope is the wrong thing to have. God loves it when we have hope. He wants us to always have hope.

Romans 8:24-25
For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Those Stinkin' Spaghetti Noodles

Have you ever heard of or read the book Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti by Bill and Pam Farrel? In case you haven't, it's a Christian book about the differences between men and women. Men, in general, are like waffles with little "boxes" for everything (they typically compartmentalize their thoughts). Women are typically like spaghetti "noodles", where thoughts connect and intertwine into a seemingly chaotic and confusing way (if you're a man, lol). You could be talking about dinner last night, go to the topic of traffic on the way home from the grocery store, and then be talking about your favorite part of the movie you saw last week.

For Michael and me, we definitely fit into the stereotype depicted in this book. My brain is made up of nothing but noodles. I can change topics from 0 to 60 mph in a second. Oh, and we need to get our oil changed soon...

(See what I did there? You just had your first ride on one of my brain's spaghetti noodles. Welcome to Michael's world.)

Well, this thought process is usually not a problem for me. I don't mind thinking the way I do. And usually I don't mind having to explain and re-explain how I got from topic A to B when Michael gives me that look of confusion because I switched topics too fast. But in terms of our infertility journey, this way of thinking has come back to bite me in the spaghetti noodle. Now I'm hungry. We're making turkey burgers tonight. Mmm, I love sweet potato fries.

Okay, back to my main topic.

Yesterday Michael was cleaning up the garage, and one of the items that was in the garage was a small side table that his mom gave to us. It's has a piece that's loose and needs to be glued (hence why it was stored in the garage), but to help save room in the garage, I offered to carry it inside and put it in one of the bedrooms until we're ready to glue it.

So I carried it inside into the front/office bedroom and set it by the wall.

Then I got slapped by a wet noodle.

My thoughts switched over to how perfect this table would be for a nursery. It would easily sit next to a nursery glider, hold a lamp on top, and baby books on the bottom shelf. And I realized I'm sitting in the room we planned to be a nursery, Lord willing. Sitting on the floor, staring at this table, and the stained glass horse night-light plugged into the wall (also set aside, waiting for this room to become a nursery), crying and overcome with grief.

I just sat there and cried, and prayed. How long will we have to wait, Lord? Please give us direction about what to do in the meantime. Please give me strength to be patient and wait.

The moment ended after about 5 minutes, but the heaviness in my heart lasted the rest of the evening. A simple thing, such as a table, can set my emotions off. I know from speaking to other women who struggle with infertility that I'm not the only one who has moments like this.

When you struggle with infertility, or anything that causes a deeply emotional response, there can be so many things that connect to that one spaghetti noodle. There are any number of ways to trigger that noodle. For me, that's what makes it so hard. I cannot predict or control when or how that noodle will be set off. There are some situations that are obvious and predictable - like baby showers or children's birthday celebrations. I have stopped attending those types of events. But many moments are started in random places and situations. Unpredictable. Unexpected. Unprepared. Unable to stop to sudden uprising of emotions.

If you can relate to this, I just want to encourage you (and myself) to do everything you can to build up some armor. You will be assaulted, there's no changing or avoiding that. So be ready to fight back.

Ephesians 6:11
Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.

Ephesians 6:13-16
Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.

Philippians 4:7
And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

James 4:8
Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.

Be ready. Stay in God's Word. Continue to pray. Never cease praying. Be on guard. And fight.

A Life of Uncertainty

A life of uncertainty. That's what I'm facing.

I suppose that's what we're all facing. No one knows what the future holds, except for God. Your life could end at any moment. Your loved ones could be taken from this earth at any moment. We, as human beings, may have control over some things, but there will always remain parts of our lives that we simply cannot control.

If you're a planner, like me, you may find this extremely challenging to accept. It's so incredibly easy to delude yourself into thinking that you maintain more control over your life and future than you actually do. It can be difficult to swallow that moment when you realize this essential truth of life. When you are faced with the choice: to accept it or fight it.

I've been attempting to accept it lately. It's not easy. (Then again, this whole journey has been the furthest thing from easy.) But I'm working on it. Slowly, I'm starting to accept that this is the situation we are in. We are childless. We want children. We pray for children. We hope for children. We hope the Lord will answer our prayers. But we do not know the future. We do not know how long this will last. We do not know what lies ahead, or how this painful journey will end. We simply do not know.

But God does.

This is where hope is conceived. This is where faith is truly tested. This is where I'm daily facing that choice, to accept or fight that God is the One in control of this instead of me.

Some days I fail and choose to fight it. Those days usually end with tears and fits of depression. But on the days I choose to accept it, and better yet, choose to move closer to the One who IS in control, because who better to get close to than the one holding the key to my future, the one who can see the end already, the one who saw the end from the beginning of time? Those days my heart is at peace. My heart and mind are at peace, and I'm okay relinquishing that compulsive need to know everything that is going to happen. That need to have a plan. That need to have an answer. There is freedom in this acceptance.

Music has always been important to me. I would connect so strongly with certain songs based on my emotions and how it related to my life. When I was single, I struggled with singleness. I struggled with depression and hopelessness at my uncertain future. I was terrified that I would never marry. It frightened me to read the Scripture about the gift of singleness, that for some people, it's better to remain single than to marry. At that time of singleness in my life, I was not turning to uplifting music to encourage me through that painful journey. I would listen to whiny, depressing songs. It's no wonder I struggled with depression! You know the saying "you are what you eat"? Well, I say "you are what you listen to".

This time around, throughout my present painful journey, I've been clinging to certain Christian-artist songs. My heart fills so quickly with hope every time I listen to one on my "Encouraging Songs List". I'd like to share my absolute favorite with you right now: Josh Wilson "Before the Morning".



I absolutely love this song. The lyrics speak so deeply into my heart. I hope that if you're reading this and you're facing a future of uncertainty and struggling with that, maybe this song will uplift your heart as well. I've copied and pasted the song lyrics below.

Hope & Peace,
Christine


Josh Wilson - "Before the Morning"

Do you wonder why you have to,
feel the things that hurt you,
if there's a God who loves you,
where is He now?

Maybe, there are things you can't see
and all those things are happening
to bring a better ending
some day, some how, you'll see, you'll see

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning

My friend, you know how this all ends
and you know where you're going,
you just don't know how you get there
so say a prayer.
and hold on, cause there's good for those who love God,
life is not a snapshot, it might take a little time,
but you'll see the bigger picture

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

so hold on, you got to wait for the light
press on, and just fight the good fight
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
yeah, yeah,
before the morning,
yeah, yeah

Once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
once you feel the way of glory,
all your pain will fade to memory
memory, memory, yeah

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain that you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Come on, you got to wait for the light
press on, and just fight the good fight
because the pain that you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the dark before the morning
before the morning, yeah, yeah
before the morning

Master of My Own Bladder

For those that don't recall part of a previous post, I have this psychological battle with myself during the night, nearly every night. I've pasted the section from the previous post here:

You see, on a normal night, I have this psychological issue where if I wake up at all, I suddenly become aware of the fact that I'm awake and that I could go pee if I tried. It's not that my bladder is full and that I NEED to go, it's just an awareness that my bladder isn't empty, which therefore makes me obsessed with that fact until I give up trying to go back to sleep and just get up and go. Silly? Yep. Just go back to sleep? I know, right? That does seem logical. Except that when I do that, and really, I have tried several times, I just end up DREAMING about going pee or having to go pee. It's a problem, I know. But at least I admit it...

I'm really not exaggerating how often this happens to me. There are nights when I feel very tired and would much rather just turn over and go back to sleep again instead of getting up to pee, but my mind will not allow it (the epitome of "mind over body" -- just not in a way that's helpful to me).

Well, lately this issue has increased in frequency because I've made a personal goal for myself to drink at least 64 ounces of water each day, often times averaging around 75 ounces. It's been great making that a habit because I feel better, and know that it's good for my body. (I recently felt convicted about my need to increase my water intake due to the UTI I blogged about and pulled quad muscles that made me realize how much I took for granted being able to walk, let alone run.) The only downside to drinking so much water is that it means I'm making more trips to the bathroom each day, including at night because it takes some time for it exit my system even after I've stopped drinking at bed time. What used to be getting up once per night is now at least two or three times a night.

We've also been watching The Big Bang Theory for the first time (we bought the first four seasons), and let me tell you, this TV show will have you laughing yourself to tears with nearly every episode. So when I saw this scene in one of the episodes, I burst into laughter because I could so easily relate to that psychological battle about having to pee or not.

Just to set the context for this scene, Sheldon and Leonard's apartment had been robbed that day, and Sheldon was very scared that the burglars might return to finish them off.

Hospitality

In continuing through my Bible-reading plan, I read about the Shunammite woman in 2 Kings 4:8-37. At the time, Elisha the prophet was at work prophesying for the Lord as he traveled around the land. This story is about a Shunammite woman, who I'm assuming was barren even though it doesn't explicitly say she was barren, and how her kindness and hospitality allowed her to receive the blessing of a child.

The story says that every time that Elisha and his servant would pass through the Shunammite's territory, the Shunammite woman would request that Elisha and his servant come and allow her to serve them a meal. After a few times of this, the Shunammite woman asked her husband if she could prepare a guest room for Elisha and his servant to stay in whenever they passed through because she knew he was a man of the Lord. So the husband consented, and Elisha and his servant stayed in the guest room prepared for them whenever they passed through.

While staying with the Shunammite couple, Elisha was overcome with gratitude for the woman's hospitality and asked his servant to inquire what Elisha could do for her to make it up to her. The servant asked the woman, but she did not ask for anything in return. But the servant observed that the couple had no children and went and told Elisha that she has no son and her husband is very old (implying that she too is very old, past childbearing age). So Elisha told the woman that by the same time next year, she would embrace her son. So the woman conceived and she bore a son.

When the child was grown up a bit, the child became ill and died. The woman placed the boy in the bed Elisha slept in in their home, and then she immediately traveled to where Elisha and his servant were at the time. Elisha returned with the Shunammite to her home to help the boy, and God worked a miracle through Elisha by reviving the boy.

This story made me think of two applicable points: (1) Serving the Lord with a joyful heart is always the right thing to do; and (2) The pain and suffering you experience with infertility doesn't necessarily end once you have a child.

Serving the Lord
Not much is said about this woman, so I may be stretching it here, but I would assume that if this woman did not have a son for most of her life, she was probably sad and disappointed about this. She probably had a desire to be a mother, and wondered why she couldn't.

But she didn't let that sadness affect her ability to serve the Lord and those chosen by the Lord. She served joyfully. She served thoroughly. She served as much as she could in as many ways as she could think of. Serving meals to Elisha and his servant wasn't good enough in her mind. She knew she could do more to help.

The way I apply this to my own life is how I often allow myself to get into a mental rut associated with our routine life. I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home, go to bed. Sure, there is more to it some days. Some days are more enjoyable than others. Some days I easily have a heart of joy and patience. Usually I enjoy the work I do at my job. But some days I go to work with a non-joyful heart, and that causes me to fall into a negative pit of despair. I will not have a productive day, or be in a pleasant mood, because all I'm really thinking about is how much I want to stop working and be a mother. I whine and complain about how much I can't wait for that to happen. Instead, I should realign my heart and serve the Lord as much as I can, with joy, while I'm in this present struggle.

Colossians 3:23-24
Whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord rather than for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the reward of the inheritance. It is the Lord Christ whom you serve.

Suffering
I have touched on this topic in a previous blog post, but this served as yet another good reminder of this truth. We as believers in Christ will always suffer in some form or another. Maybe not every minute of every day. Certainly to varying degrees. But don't buy into the prosperity gospel rubbish that when you become a believer in Christ, your life will magically get better and you'll be rich and happy. What is the truth?

Philippians 1:29-30
For to you it has been granted for Christ’s sake, not only to believe in Him, but also to suffer for His sake, experiencing the same conflict which you saw in me, and now hear to be in me.

Philippians 4:11-13
Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

2 Corinthians 1:5-7
For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ. But if we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; or if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which is effective in the patient enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; and our hope for you is firmly grounded, knowing that as you are sharers of our sufferings, so also you are sharers of our comfort.

2 Timothy 2:3
Suffer hardship with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

1 Peter 2:20-21
For what credit is there if, when you sin and are harshly treated, you endure it with patience? But if when you do what is right and suffer for it you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God. For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps.

1 Peter 3:13-17
Who is there to harm you if you prove zealous for what is good? But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence; and keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame. For it is better, if God should will it so, that you suffer for doing what is right rather than for doing what is wrong.

1 Peter 4:12-13, 16
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you; but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation...but if anyone suffers as a Christian, he is not to be ashamed, but is to glorify God in this name.

1 Peter 5:10
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

The Shunammite woman likely suffered with sadness at not having a child. Then God finally blessed her with a son in her old age. But her suffering did not end there, it merely changed forms when her son died. She still kept faith by seeking out Elisha's help, instead of letting herself fall into a pit of despair.

So for my life, I need to remember to not be fooled into thinking that the suffering ends with the end of infertility. My suffering may diminish, but I'm almost certain I will experience a great suffering in the future in other ways. But I should strive to respond to that suffering like the Shunammite woman - with joy and faith, turning to the Lord for help. The world is watching us, Christians. Suffer with joy. Keep on rejoicing. Endure it patiently and without giving up hope.

Milestones

Several friends have reached out to us lately, to express their love and support and to let us know they are thinking of and praying for us. We are so thankful for each and every one of you!

This journey is not an easy one. I would imagine that any journey that involves a long period of waiting can start to feel very challenging as time continues to move on without an answer as to when the waiting will end. Singleness is probably the best analogy to infertility. Or you could also think of it like a job that you're at, but you can't quit, get fired, or promoted...you're just stuck. Waiting, no matter what you're waiting for, can be incredibly hard to bear.

Our journey has felt like a long time, but I know there are so many others who have waited much, much longer than we have. I cannot imagine that, how much harder it must be for them.

The thing that has kept me going has been when God sends me little milestones along our path. Normally, milestones are equidistant markers to show progress through time or distance. But in our case, they are markers of thankfulness for this journey we're on and they have come in unequal intervals along this path.



When we first started trying to conceive, it was the starting line of this journey. I remember feeling so much excitement that we made that decision, and were ready to begin the next chapter of our lives - parenthood. The first few months were full of slight disappointments, uncertainty, and the beginnings of doubt.

I wonder how much longer it will take for me to get pregnant? Could there be something wrong? Surely not...we're both healthy and young. Did I do something to cause this? Did we wait too long?

Then I noticed my heart starting to get more sensitive. The thickness of my skin decreased. Every little comment and remark related to pregnancy and children would register easily with me. No pregnant woman or infant within a quarter-mile radius escaped my notice.

Then in the summer of last year, I received some slightly disappointing news from the doctor about one of my blood tests (that my progesterone levels were too low). Even though this is not much of a concern anymore, at the time, it was my first milestone. It was the moment where I broke down before God and realized that everything related to conception, apart from having an intimate relationship with my husband, was completely out of my control, and that I had been desperately and sinfully clinging to all forms of control I could get my hands on. This milestone and very valuable life lesson was the first marker of thankfulness that I experienced about this journey. I was thankful to have learned that I needed to give all control to the Lord. That I needed to stop assuming that my plans mattered more than God's plans.

A second milestone was within our marriage. This milestone was placed very shortly after the first because they went hand in hand. I realized that I had started viewing sex with my husband as just a necessity to procreate, and less on the expression of intimacy and love in our marriage. My former attitude had resulted from my sinful desperation to maintain control over the situation. But with this second milestone, I realized I owed Michael a big apology for taking all the fun out of the bedroom. He was gracious enough to forgive me. At that time, I made a commitment to fully turn our lovemaking over to the Lord, by praying that Michael would initiate sex during my fertile window, and if he didn't, then I wasn't going to initiate it because I didn't trust myself to not have the wrong motives. We have since reached a healthy balance, but this milestone was very necessary at the time, and I was again thankful for our infertility because it helped me to truly appreciate my man instead of just his seed :)

The third milestone resulted from my reaching out to others about my struggle. I began to share publicly that we were hoping for children, and that we were experiencing some emotional difficulties in waiting. The return of prayer support and encouragement from friends was amazing. Again making me thankful to have experienced infertility. I also started meeting others who struggle with infertility, which allows us to share a very special bond.

The fourth milestone occurred at the end of the summer. Michael and I had previously declined to lead the Newlywed/Young Married class at church because we had expected to begin a family. But the opportunity again presented itself at the end of the summer in 2011, and we felt like perhaps God wanted us to serve in that way before we became parents.

The fifth milestone was on September 1, 2011. My first doctor's appointment with Dr. S. You can read about it here. Great doctors are a joy to find.

The sixth milestone occurred in November when a friend who formerly struggled with infertility told me that because of my advice, she gave up control to the Lord and repented of her bitterness, and lo and behold, she became pregnant the next month. Not that I really had anything to do with her conception, but it greatly encouraged my heart that I'm on this path for a bigger reason. For a God-given reason.

The seventh milestone was on December 1, 2011. My first doctor's appointment with Dr. H. Again, great doctors are a blessing to find, and my appointment with her was awesome. She also followed up with me on December 29th and confirmed that everything appears to be functioning and looking normally.

The eighth milestone also occurred in December 2011. I started this blog and began finding other inspiring infertility blogs out there that really spoke hope and encouragement to my heart. I felt the Lord leading me to share my thoughts about infertility to hopefully help others on this journey. I never would have had that opportunity if I hadn't experienced infertility. It made me thankful.

The ninth milestone also occurred in December when we decided it was time to tell our families that we were struggling with infertility. This resulted in us feeling much closer to family, which made me incredibly thankful.

March 2012 marked the tenth milestone for me with the first meeting of Hope Does Not Disappoint. I again felt thankful because I felt the Lord reassuring me that all this pain I've been feeling has a big purpose in His ultimate plan, that He's doing lots of good through it.

I went downhill a bit since then, struggling back and forth with uncertainty of what to do, how to move forward, weariness from this journey. It became difficult to experience a thankful attitude because I just wanted the pain to end. So my most recent (eleventh) milestone happened only in the past two weeks, and it was in the context of our marriage again. There was a particular issue that has been a source of pain in our relationship for our entire marriage and much of our dating years. But just recently, Michael and I were able to communicate our feelings effectively and experience great healing that was so very needed. It was so beautiful to see that happen in our relationship. I know for a fact that had we not been on this infertility path, it would have been years and years from now before we would have experienced this healing, so it made me the most thankful I've ever been for infertility.

That's the funny thing about milestones for me. Each milestone is like hitting the reset button in my heart. I'll be trucking along, starting to get really weighed down by hopelessness, and then boom, I run straight into a milestone that God puts in my path that wakes me up and makes me realize that I don't regret a single minute of the pain we've been experiencing. The glory and beauty of each milestone greatly outshines the pain that's behind it in the past. It makes me truthfully say that I'm glad for every minute we've struggled, because I'm glad to have learned what we've learned and be where we are right now, this minute.

So if you're praying for us, please just pray that God will get us through the rest of this journey and guide us every step of the way. We desire His will and timing to be done, so we just ask that He prepare us for that plan of His. And maybe pray that in the meantime, God will put many milestones in our path to continue to help remind us to be thankful for it. Thank you all so much!