I realize my blogging frequency has plummeted...I think this is just my new reality. If you want more frequent updates/pictures, please find us on Facebook. :)
But, I'll give an update on the last several months.
1-2 Months More Pictures
Her eyes started focusing on us more. Developed good head strength. And smiled! Oh what a beautiful sight! Only cried a little bit after her first set of vaccines, tough girl. Still ate like a champ and slept well through the night - a huge blessing to us.
2-3 Months More Pictures
Lots more smiling and babbling. Started hair and earring grabbing, which eventually led to my getting a hair cut. Eager to move - learned how to "scooch" on her back by pushing with her legs. Big head - 83rd percentile for head circumference. :)
3-4 Months More Pictures
I officially quit my job to be full-time Mom! EVY started blowing lots of spit bubbles. Also started to give us some soft laughs. Started rolling over to tummy and back before 4 months old...which at first concerned me during nighttime sleep because I was worried about SIDS, but after extensive Googling, I learned that once baby can roll back and forth on their own, you don't have to worry as much about it, just make sure their crib environment is safe. Started teething at 3.5 months (but teeth didn't appear for several more months). Still ate and slept great.
4-5 Months More Pictures
Made a turtle face as pictured on the right that we love. Rolled over with ease and loved sleeping on her tummy. Giggles a lot more and is very playful. Tried to sit up and push up when on tummy.
5-6 Months More Pictures
Went to visit the birth family - had a wonderful time seeing everyone again! Took many precious pictures and videos. Still ate and slept great. On the brink of crawling. Loves our pets. So playful and goofy.
6-7 Months More Pictures
And she's crawling! Also sitting up while using an arm as a kickstand. Enjoys bouncing in the jumper. Loves the pets and crawling after them. Started solid foods...banana is her favorite. She's a good fit for us! Lots of giggles. We finalized our adoption this month!
7-8 Months More Pictures
Crawls with ease and very quickly when she wants to hustle and get somewhere. Also sits up easily without arm support. AND started pulling up on things to get on her knees. Just a matter of time before she gets a foot underneath and stands up. First two teeth on the bottom came through, our cute little bulldog. Loves to play, pull things from their shelves, smoosh her face into the crib railings like she's in jail, throw and then chase after her toys...while panting like a dog (I guess they've been teaching her how to fetch). "Talks" a lot more. And screams a LOT more. Eardrum piercing squeals to communicate that she's bored, mad, or tired. Went "swimming" for the first time (we held her the whole time) and loved it! We put her in the nursery at church for the first time and praise the Lord she has yet to get sick! Church was getting to be difficult when trying to keep her entertained and quiet. Wears 9 month size clothing, weighs close to 17 lbs, and is about 27 inches long.
Now somehow we have an 8-month old who is growing up WAY too fast. For the first 7 months, our mentality was "I can't believe she's already __ months old!" Then when she started crawling at 7 months, it shifted to "Wait...she's ONLY 8 months old??" My day-to-day routine completely changed once she became mobile. Time feels like it has flown by, but then in reality not that much time has passed. It's a weird feeling.
But motherhood has been such a joy for me. I had always heard from friends that they felt desperate to have adult conversations or to get a break. Though I can certainly understand the frustrations and stresses that come with being a mom, I truly love my day-to-day "job". My role isn't what defines me as a person, but it's a role that I'm so thankful and honored that I get to fulfill. It stretches me, convicts me of my own selfishness, and inspires me to live a life that she might want to look up to. I'm just so in love with this little girl and can't believe she hasn't always been in our lives. Michael is completely smitten with her and will probably buy her a pony if she asks for it. :) But really y'all...parenthood has been such a blessing and wonderful growing experience. We still make our marriage a higher priority by setting aside time to talk, but our hearts and home are so much fuller with sweet EVY.
There is much to fill in since our last post, and I'll do my best to capture everything on here.
Before Birth
After we got the call that we had been chosen, we began the process of getting to know the birth family. We had the honor of meeting them in person on December 3rd in their hometown.
We took the afternoon off work and drove to their hometown. We arrived early and walked around to do a little shopping near the restaurant. We bought the best tasting chocolate ever - Taza Chocolate. Thank goodness it's not for sale at our local stores, lol.
We stopped in a bookstore and little did we know, but the birth family was there too and saw us looking at some children's books (they knew what we looked like because they had seen our profile).
Then we walked to the restaurant to meet them. It was incredible getting to meet the birth family, and was wonderful because so many family members were there and in support of their adoption plan. We got to meet the birth mother and her mom, sister, and grandmother, as well as the birth father and his mom.
These two individuals are so amazing. They're quirky and nerdy just like us, and we share a lot of the same taste in music, movies, and books. The birth family said several times that they viewed us as the grown-up versions of the birth parents. We feel so honored they feel that way!
And they are incredible. To have ended up in a tough situation, but to have maintained a mature attitude...way more courage and maturity than Michael or I ever had at their age. Michael jokes that he was still eating boogers at their age. LOL.
Anyway, we grew an instant love for them all and couldn't wait for our families to merge, all centered around a precious little baby girl. Family is not just blood and genetics. Love is all it takes. :)
Welcoming EVY into the World
The birth family felt so comfortable with us that they invited us to join them at the hospital for the birth. Understand that in TX, the birth parents must wait a minimum of 48 hours before signing relinquishment papers, so before that time, they don't have to include the adoptive parents at all. It was nothing but a gift to us to invite and include us during this precious time.
Her due date was the 16th, but EVY decided she wasn't ready yet. The birth mother was scheduled to be induced on Friday morning the 19th. But EVY decided that she'd start making her way into the world at the same time they arrived at the hospital to be induced. That's right, the birth mother went into labor as she was signing into the hospital to be induced. So she didn't need to receive as much Pitocin as would have been needed.
We arrived at the hospital around lunchtime Friday, and the birth family invited us into the L&D room to hang out. The first sound we heard when entering the room was EVY's heartbeat on the monitor...what a beautiful sound! We got to meet the birth father's dad and grandma, and the birth mother's grandpa and stepdad. The birth mother had an epidural, so she was as comfortable as the situation warranted.
After a couple hours of visiting with the family, we felt hungry and decided to go get our lunch from the car and then come back. We didn't expect it to take us half an hour just to FIND our car...trust me, it was not obvious which parking garage we had parked in...turned out it wasn't either of the two garages associated with the hospital, but it was still connected to the hospital by a tunnel. What genius thought of connecting a third parking garage and then not make a single sign directing you back to it??
Anyway, we finally found our car, grabbed our lunch, and then found the cafeteria and microwaves to heat it up. We enjoyed lunch and then received a text message from the birth family that they just sent everyone but the birth mother's mom out of the room so she could start pushing!
So we went to the waiting room and waited with the rest of the birth family. The birth mother's mom called me after a little while and all I heard was a baby crying...she let me hear EVY's first cry! After a little more time passed, her mom came and said the birth father and Michael and I could come back to the delivery room to meet EVY. They wanted us to spend "the golden hour" after birth with her to help bond - yet another incredibly generous gift that they did not have to do for us. All in all, the labor lasted 10 hours.
Meeting EVY for the first time was amazing, and such a mixture of emotions. I was ecstatic, but it also suddenly occurred to me "Oh my gosh, I'm an only child, never babysat growing up, and have a germophobic compulsion that makes me squeamish around other people's kids...I have NO idea how to hold let alone care for a baby!" EVY was just so tiny and delicate, I was afraid of breaking her. So I was a little nervous the first few times with EVY, and a little horrified/amazed at how the nurses flipped and turned the babies in the nursery - they made it look like no big deal, like they weren't handling a fragile little angel. I was so amazed with Michael. He took the initiative with feeding and changing her while at the hospital. That helped me gain some confidence back.
It was a wonderful weekend with family - with the birth family and getting to know them better, with my parents who drove down also, and with EVY getting used to the idea that she would soon come home with us.
On Sunday the 21st, we first met the caseworker to sign the adoptive parent agreement. It wasn't quite as lengthy as closing on a house, but felt pretty close. Then we waited while the caseworker met with the birth parents to sign the relinquishment papers. When it was done, we visited with the birth family for a while and then said our goodbyes. Very bittersweet experience. The birth family gave us a photo album of the birth parents growing up as a child, as well as a beautiful blanket their church had blessed. Such wonderful gifts to give to EVY someday.
After our goodbyes, we went to the nursery with the caseworker to discharge EVY from the hospital and head home. That process took quite a bit longer than expected, so we got home really late that night. EVY was an angel and slept the whole car ride home until we were 5 minutes from home because she got hungry.
EVY's First Month at Home
Since being back home, we have learned so much as we settled into a groove. First we learned that the whole co-sleeping thing does not work for us. I'm way too much of a light sleeper that I was waking up to every little coo and sound she made and got no sleep.
Once home, we started feeding her the donated breast milk several friends have generously given to us. She's about 6 weeks old now and has been almost exclusively on breast milk for that time - what a gift! She's a fantastic eater, never refusing anything from the bottle. And she guzzles her bottles, which explains why she frequently gets hiccups. :)
She's been a great sleeper too, really taking it easy on us. Our first few days home were rough because her days and nights were flip-flopped. We realized she was getting her deepest sleep during the day, so we had the thought of trying to disrupt her daytime sleep to help her get her deepest sleep at night. That worked beautifully for her. Until we got a baby monitor, I slept in the guest room (next to the nursery) and took the night shift.
Michael was sadly dealing with his mom passing at the time (high highs and low lows all at once!) and I wanted him to be fully focused on that. You only lose your mom once and he needed to honor her and take care of everything.
After her memorial service, we got a baby monitor and I started sleeping in our bedroom again. I just keep the volume on the lowest setting and can still hear her cry when she wakes up. But thankfully, she has been sleeping through the night for a while now, which is a wonderful blessing to us. We got about 1 week behind in our workout schedule, but now we're back to a daily routine of working out and the hippie-lifestyle of plant-based eating and gardening. :)
At her first pediatrician's appointment on 12/23, she already weighed her birth weight again (6 lbs, 12 oz). She was born with a few holes in her heart that they said is pretty common. The doctor still heard the heart murmur, so we followed up with a children's cardiologist on 12/31. They did another echocardiogram, and the doctor says she only has one tiny hole remaining, and he's confident it'll close on its own. We'll see him again in early February to hopefully confirm the murmur is gone.
At her 2 week appt, she weighed 7 lb, 5 oz, and the doctor said he's very happy with her growth rate, so we can start letting her decide how long she wants to sleep at night (which she started around 6 hours and worked up since). We'll see the doctor again at 2 months for her first vaccine.
She is a feisty and very active girl. When she's awake, she is very alert, and loves to look around the room. She responds to our voices and other noises. She displayed strong neck muscles early on too, and now at 1 month can easily support/lift her head when having tummy time. Speaking of tummy time, she HATES it usually, and will have a crying fit that Mommy was so mean to put her on her tummy again. She got so mad one time that she actually rolled herself back onto her back! She's done this three times now, one of which I caught on video (which is included in the video link below). Now you'll understand why she was crying during that video!
She also loves to squirm, punch, and kick when she's awake and displeased with whatever we're doing (such as changing her diaper). :)
Her noises and grunts amuse us, and we refer to them as "E.T. noises" like the movie. Also, when she begins to cry, she starts off with a comical scoff sound, like "Ah, Ah, Ah, Ah!" And then works up to an actual cry. She loves her pacifier, which is so funny to watch/listen to her suck on - she looks like a little fishy. She hates to be swaddled, contrary to what the hospital told us to do. The reason is because she likes to self-soothe with her hands, which she can't do when they're tied down in a blanket. So we started swaddling her with her arms free and she was much happier.
She has recently started to smile a little at us, usually in the mornings or after I change her diaper. She's not a fan of bath time either, but loves the time right after when I wrap her up in a towel and cradle her. Her bottom lip will quiver and pout as I comfort her. Our favorite of her expressions is her frowny face.
The pets are very interested and protective of her. Ginger thinks it's her baby and that we're never doing a good enough job raising her. Sometimes she'll chase off the other pets that go near her. So far, we've only lost one pacifier to canine casualties (chewed it up).
She also is really funny right before you feed her. She knows what's about to happen and she gets really excited by munching on her hands and making the E.T. noises. She then proceeds to guzzle her bottle and pass out. She regularly gets the hiccups and sneezes, both of which are precious to see. Her hair is also growing in nicely and is currently light brown but seems to be darkening.
This first month has flown by and we are so thankful for every moment with her. :)
I intended to write a blog post last week explaining that we had a change in caseworkers because B had decided to change careers and was sadly leaving our agency. We were sad to see her go because we had specifically requested B to be our caseworker after we met her at the initial orientation and really liked her personality. It's pretty important for us to feel a connection to the person working as our caseworker. Even though we did not want to lose her, we had also enjoyed meeting "I," the caseworker who completed our home visit portion of the home study, so we requested to be placed in I's caseload if possible.
We were happy to hear last week from "I" that she was in fact assigned as our new caseworker. She is so sincere and sweet. She called me just to ask if I had any questions and to tell me that she's looking forward to working with us. She also loved seeing our profile book. "I" informed me that compared to other waiting families, we are more on the open side, so there was a likelihood that our profile might be shown to a tougher background situation soon.
So that was last week.
This past week, I turned 30 on Tuesday. I had a blast celebrating with friends and family over the weekend, and affectionately call myself 30, nerdy, and thriving! "I" even sent me an email on my birthday just to wish me a happy one.
Then came Wednesday, November 19th. Busy day at the office, but got to eat a quick lunch with Michael. Then my phone rang around 2:30 pm. I recognized the area code and actually thought it might be "I" calling.
Sure enough it was. "I" called and asked how I'm doing. I said good and thanked her again for the sweet birthday email. She said, "Well, I have a birthday present for you. On your birthday yesterday, I mailed your profile book to a birth mother with a tougher background."
"But today I have an even bigger birthday present for you: a birth mother saw your online profile and picked you guys to adopt her baby."
I immediately asked her to hold on a second, dialed Michael on my office phone and abruptly said, "Hi...come down here now." I don't think I was even polite enough to say please!
"I" chuckled a little and said it must be nice working close to one another. I agreed. She asked if I call him to my office often, and I said no, so he's probably thinking it's something bad. Michael quickly arrived and shut my door while I put my phone on speaker.
"I" repeated the news...and I think that's when my mind started to shut down because my heart and emotions took over. Because here's what she said next:
"It's a girl and she's due December 16th."
She asked if we wanted to hear about the birth mother.
Of course!
So "I" told us the details she knew at the time: 17 years old, senior in high school, also lives in Texas, is very certain about adoption because she recognizes she is not prepared to parent and has goals/dreams she hopes to achieve. She said the birth mother waited a while to tell her parents because she was afraid of how they would react, but finally told them in early November. Since that time, the birth mother has been receiving pre-natal care.
She told us that the birth mother's parents were really supportive when she finally told them. And that the birth father and his family are also supportive of this adoption plan.
And here is where it begins to be a complete and obvious God-thing.
"I" told us that apparently the birth mother's mom, who was trying to show her support of the adoption decision, started searching online profiles.
On Tuesday - my birthday - she came across our online profile at ParentProfiles and as "I" said, "fell in love with us." She then showed our profile to her daughter (the birth mother) and she too fell in love with us.
Late Tuesday night, the birth mother called our agency and told them she wasn't interested in seeing anyone else's profile - she wants us to adopt her baby.
If you're not crying yet, grab a tissue in case this next part sends you over the edge.
"I" told us that one of the main reasons the birth mother's mom thought her daughter might like us is because the birth mother considers herself a "die-hard vegetarian" and loved that we are so passionate about that too.
You guys, the fact that we eat a plant-based diet was something we felt hesitant about stating in our profile because we feared no birth mother would want to pick us crazy leaf-eating hippies. Isn't that just so like God, to take something we're insecure about and reassure us that His love knows no bounds? And to think, we never would have been open to eating a plant-based diet had it not been for our struggles with infertility. I started weeping after "I" told us that part.
Furthermore, all along we have desired - but not expected - to end up in a situation where we might be able to pick the baby up directly from the hospital (at the minimum 48 hours after birth) instead of having to wait for placement to be at least 30 days after birth. In the latter situation, they place the baby in a transitional family's home while they wait the statute of limitations for the birth father to possibly appear to claim parental rights.
But in this situation, because the birth father is known, supportive, and cooperating, this will be the situation we have desired - pick up from the hospital.
All along, we have also desired a healthy birth mother who might take good care of herself while pregnant (no drugs or alcohol consumption). We were willing to consider some of the tougher situations where usage was involved, but that is not this situation either - the birth mother has taken great care of herself.
I'd like to just pause for a moment and link to this song that speaks directly to our hearts right now: "Overwhelmed" by Big Daddy Weave.
We are speechless and overcome with awe at how intimately God knows our hearts. And beyond that, He so tenderly touches the deepest corners of our hearts in unexpected and unimaginable ways.
This journey was not our original plan. But it has clearly been God's plan all along. It is because, and only because, of our inability to conceive a biological child that we even considered adoption in the first place.
And now there is a brave young lady and a precious baby girl inside her womb that are about to meld with our lives forever.
God's plans may not line up with your plans, and they might contain a fair share of pain and suffering, but I hope you can see from our story that His plans also contain immense joy and grace.
This is an answer to many of our prayers. A 4-year struggle with infertility led to an unexpected surprise of only waiting 3 months to be chosen by a birth mother to adopt her baby.
We are so excited, scared, overjoyed, overwhelmed, and completely awestruck.
In less than 4 weeks, we will become parents! And we're happy to share the name if you ask us, but on the blog I'll just share her initials: EVY - we plan to use that as a nickname anyway. :)
We have enjoyed sharing this joyous news with family and friends and thank you all so much for the outpouring of love and support. You have made us feel so secure and encouraged, which is what we needed with all of the emotions and short time line of preparing for a baby. We humbly ask that you continue to pray for us to be prepared, for the birth mother to have a safe and healthy delivery, for God to comfort her heart as she faces the emotions of placing her baby for adoption, and for our little "sweet potato" to feel the abundant love that already exists for her.
This past weekend was full of joyous celebration as I co-hosted a baby shower for my dear friend, Jocelyn. I met Jocelyn for the first time in August 2011 at NWYM class. I overheard her tearful conversation with someone else in the class that she had been trying to get pregnant for a while and didn't know what else to do. My ears perked up immediately, because my heart was struggling with the same thing.
I boldly introduced myself and shared that I too had been trying to get pregnant for several months (it had not quite been one year for me at the time) and asked if she wanted to be friends. We had an instant connection over such a heartbreaking trial.
I remember the first time we hung out, we shared our background stories and our struggles with infertility. Oh how much we hated measuring our basal body temperatures. (We even joked that hopefully after getting pregnant someday, we'd throw a thermometer burning party.) We shared our frustrations with the insensitive comments and questions from well-meaning people (So, do you have any kids? Oh don't worry, just relax, and it'll happen! Oh I know exactly how you feel - it took us 2 whole months to conceive our third child.) We also shared the bittersweet pain we felt when friends announced their pregnancies, and the feeling that we were left behind, forgotten by God and society even though our hearts longed to be remembered.
In a world that does not talk enough about, let alone understand, infertility and the deep pain it causes, we shared a sisterly bond that will likely last the rest of our lives. We got together regularly for lunch, and then stayed in touch through email and telephone after they moved out of town. We supported one another through all the doctor's appointments, blood test results, two week waits, negative pregnancy tests, and the dreaded periods. We encouraged one another, cried together, laughed together, reminded one another that God has a plan, and always kept hoping that one day our struggles would end with us finally becoming mothers.
The thing about God's plan is that it takes time. Usually much more time than you want or realize.
But the point of waiting, and of suffering, is not what is waiting at the end of the road. It's all the bumps, rocks, and cracks along the way.
Those sharp rocks hurt like nothing else, but they make you tougher. They teach you to accept your present circumstances but to push onward and not let your circumstances define you.
Those deep cracks that your countless tears fall into make you feel like your prayers go unanswered. That you are alone in the darkness. Uncared for. Forgotten. But when you're in utter darkness, you stand the best chance of seeing the tiniest sparks of Light. You're ears are primed and ready to hear the softest whispers.
It's the journey to what's waiting at the end that makes the waiting worth going through. As Michael so wisely said one time, "The blessing of infertility isn't so much the child at the end, but the trial itself."
Though it is deeply painful, and makes you question everything about yourself and what makes you a woman, infertility is one of the greatest blessings God can give His daughters. Because it always has a purpose. You see it multiple times in the Bible - Sarah, Rachel, Elizabeth, Hannah, Ruth, Rebekah - women who suffered years of waiting to conceive a child. But each child played an integral role in God's plan.
Every story of suffering, every trial, has a purpose. God truly does have a plan, but He will not be rushed. His plan is intricate and perfect and simply has to unfold according to His timing.
So while you're on that bumpy, rocky, crack-filled road...pay attention. Look around and listen for God. There is so much to be learned from Him along the journey. The waiting is not in vain. It's the most important part. And God's plan is SO worth the wait!
God, I thank you so much for answering my prayers for Jocelyn to become pregnant. I thank you for her friendship and the journey you've brought each of us on. You are always and only good, and I look forward to seeing the rest of Your plan unfold.
We are NOT pregnant. Lord willing, He may someday allow us to conceive, but that day has not yet come.
I'd also like to wish all mothers a very Happy Mother's Day, including those who are still longing to become a mother. Mother's Day has been a day of sadness for me in recent years because it has served as a reminder that I am not yet a mother.
But today is different. Today, we have some wonderful news to share. News that we are very excited about on this Mother's Day:
In a previous post, I talked about how we decided to wait until December 2014 to begin researching adoption, unless the Lord moved us to act sooner or later than that date.
Well, I'm not the most patient waiter. (Shocking, I know)
In the fall, I started to research adoption a lot little and long story short, we both felt peace about moving forward with the adoption process.
We have decided on the agency we want to work with, and are in the middle of the application/home study portion of the process. Once approved, they tell us that the "wait time," on average, is 15 months. But averages are averages, so it could be less, and it could be more. We're trusting God with that timing since He always knows best.
If you'd like to hear the longer version of this story, please read on.
Our journey to this moment has been a mixture of so many things: emotion, heartache, hope, conviction, and beautiful transformations in our hearts. All praise and glory belongs to God!
Why Do I Want to Adopt?
If I'm honest, my heart started from a place of "Well, if I can't have a baby biologically, then I guess I will adopt a baby." But it's not as simple as that.
My former view of adoption was that it was a charitable act of kindness. I was definitely one of those people who used to think/say, "Oh that's nice...how great of you to do that [rescue that child from certain doom]."
When we first began struggling with infertility, the idea of adopting terrified me. At that time, giving into the idea of adoption would have meant defeat. It would have meant acknowledging my failure as a woman to procreate - surely the very thing I was put on this planet for, right? (I now know that is wrong.)
But God slowly changed both of our hearts.
Our best friends moved to the D/FW area. The wife's parents fostered and adopted three little girls. And yes, little girls. The age difference between my best friend (the youngest of their biological children) and the oldest of the three girls is about 20 years. We've known the wife's parents and these girls for several years now and have visited them somewhat regularly.
The girls used to be shy around us, but as they've seen us more and more, they actually know us by name and still ask about us.
One weekend early in our infertility journey, we visited our best friends who had recently found out they were expecting their first little boy. She had made plans to sky dive, but changed her mind because of her condition. So the husband decided to take her place and go sky diving. It was a big deal, and so the wife's parents and three little girls also came to cheer him on.
The three little girls loved to play with Michael. Michael would spin them, flip them, tickle them, and carry them on his shoulders and they just laughed it up and asked for more. It was precious to see that sight. We felt love towards those girls, and they weren't even close to being considered our children.
This was taken in June 2011, 6 months into our infertility journey.
On the drive home, we had our first conversation about adoption. The idea of adoption that used to scare us was not being able to love a child that didn't come from our bodies. We both were (and still are) a little squeamish around other people's children. Too often we have been given "the plague" by family and friends' little ones, so we tend to cringe and shy away from their oozing orifices. We used to think it would be the same if we adopted another person's child. (Just to clarify, we are not naive to think that our children will not have oozing orifices, we just don't care to encounter the oozing orifices of children that we are not raising.)
But this first conversation about adoption was driven by the Lord. He had stirred in both of our hearts - independently - that we could absolutely love another's child as we had felt love towards those three little girls who are not in our care.
We talked about how there is so much beauty and redemption in adoption. Those three little girls were each taken from three separate, broken situations. They are now together and being loved and parented by a couple who wants the best for them. They giggle and play and live as if there is no more brokenness in their lives.
Of course, I know that's not the reality. We all have brokenness. But it was the first time we saw that adoption was a wonderful and beautiful example of God's sacrifice for us. He gave His only "biological" Son for our sinful, horrible mankind. He not only gave His Son away, but gave Him away to a fate of torture and death. For me. For you. For us all.
Sometimes, a word as simple as "Wow" is all that can be thought of to express your feeling of something so profound.
Since that first conversation, we continued to hope and pray (and still do) that God would allow us to have biological children. Though our hearts had softened towards the idea of adoption, we had not yet felt the desire to adopt a child ourselves.
But more time passed. And passed. We went through the ups and downs most couples experience with infertility. Diagnostic tests. Frustration at no explanation for why we cannot conceive. Hopelessness. Renewed hope. More hopelessness. Yet more hope. Seeing friend after friend have one or more children. Feeling left behind and forgotten. The difficult decision to accept that you're only hearing silence and "wait" from the Lord. The difficulty of actually waiting! If you've kept up with this blog, you've probably ridden the roller coaster with me. (And I'm so thankful for you!)
Small events fostered more and more discussions about adoption. We met friends who have adopted children and loved hearing their stories. We watched a couple movies, like The Odd Life of Timothy Green and October Baby. October Baby especially moved our hearts toward adoption. Sorry to spoil some of the plot, but the idea that the main character, Hannah, learns that her life was almost ended as a baby by abortion, but God protected her, and brought her to a loving adoptive family, just melted our hearts completely. In the movie, Hannah searches for her birth mother. Eventually she learns that it doesn't matter where she physically originated...all that matters is that she is loved. Loved and wanted by her adoptive family. And loved and wanted by the Almighty God. That her life mattered. That all life matters.
We soon felt the conviction that we both desired to adopt a child someday. But I'll stress the "someday" part. We were still hoping that we could have biological children first, and adopt later. I'm guessing that this idea is pretty common for couples struggling with infertility. I think it partly goes back to my earlier mindset of "Well, if I can't have a baby biologically, then I guess I'll adopt a baby."
But in the fall, we felt conviction that we were wrong to rank order our children like that. It's not about having "real" children first (biological) and then having "other" children later (adoption). We just desire to have...children! We desire to become parents and to build a legacy as a family. Thankfully the Lord helped us sort that out.
But even though our hearts were open to adopting a child whenever He willed, we did not yet feel Him moving us to take action (I'll come back to this shortly, about how we decided to begin the process of adoption).
So as you can see, our hearts have changed so drastically from where they began. We saw the beautiful example of God's sacrifice for us through the idea of adoption.
If I had a son, I could not stand the idea of giving him away. Perhaps it's because I want a child so badly, that if I finally had one, I would cling to him/her all the more.
The idea that a young woman who finds out she is unexpectedly pregnant would still have the courage to give her child to someone else to raise and care for....it's unimaginable to me. Unthinkable. But like God the Father, she would be giving a huge sacrifice for the sake of someone else. For the sake of a childless couple, like us, who desperately wants a child to call our own.
That's really at the heart of why I want to adopt: I want a baby to call my own. I know that's not reality. I've learned that any child I have, either biologically or through adoption, will never truly be mine. He/she will be the Lord's, and I will simply be the steward in charge of nourishing, caring, loving, teaching, and raising said child. But that's what I want. That's the desire of my heart. To finally be able to fulfill that role. I've been longing for a child to call my own for 3 1/2 years. 3 1/2 long years of waiting, hoping, praying, and longing.
My heart went from only wanting a child that came from my body to knowing that I could love a child placed in my care even if he/she did not come from my body.
The flipside to adoption is not only the birth mother's God-like sacrifice of giving up her child to another, but also the redemption that we, as the adoptive parents, would feel. When a person accepts the free gift of grace extended by God - all based on that sacrifice of His Son - that person is redeemed and adopted into His kingdom and called a child of God. He adopts us as His children! So us adopting a child from someone else would likely cause us to feel the heaviness of that birth mother's sacrifice, but also be in awe of the redemption that child will bring to our lives. We are loved so much by Our Father, that He would orchestrate the circumstances to bring this little life into our care and home. He would trust us enough to love and raise this child as our own.
Romans 8:14-17 14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" 16 The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
Galatians 3:26-28 26 For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. 27 For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 1:3-8 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. 7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace 8 which He lavished on us.
1 John 3:1-3 1 See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 2 Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. 3 And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
I find it remarkable how much the Lord has transformed our hearts. He
has taken us both from being lukewarm about having our own biological
children, to having the desire to love any child that could be called
our own, even if that child did not come from our physical bodies.
Adoption
is not about rescuing a child in need from certain doom. It's about
expressing the kind of Christ-like love towards another life, and being
redeemed by that same Christ-like love in the process. In short,
adoption is a very odd mix of both parties being rescued from certain
doom. Both parties living and experiencing the kind of redemption that
can only come from God.
"Wow."
How We Decided to Begin the Adoption Process
Once we felt peace about adopting a child whenever the Lord called us to, I began my research into the process. There are so many options, that it can be overwhelming at first. And not every option would work for everyone. Just a brief, but not exhaustive, list of options includes: domestic, international, open, semi-open, closed (rare these days), foster-to-adopt, infant adoption, special needs, inter-racial, and varying ages.
So part of our initial research was being honest with ourselves about what we think we can and cannot handle. What we felt peace about and what we did not.
We have a strong desire to raise a newborn. As newly born as possible. Those that know us, know that we are quite different from the norm. We have very different views about child rearing, diet, and lifestyle. So we desire to raise our children - biological or adopted - according to our beliefs. Part of that begins as a newborn. We desire to breastfeed our children instead of giving formula, preferably my breast milk if we can make that happen or bumming breast milk from friends (sorry in advance if you get a creepy email from me asking you for your breast milk - it's for a good cause). I'm sure this topic will one day be a blog post on its own. :)
We also desire to adopt a child of the same ethnicity as our own. That's not to say that we would not be open to adopting inter-racially if God moves us, but at this time, our desire is to adopt a child that could somehow resemble us. Knowing my tendency to make snappy comments when people act insensitively to me, I would not invite a situation where our child would be constantly labeled as adopted while out in public. Here are a couple videos of what I'm talking about:
Nowadays, open or semi-open adoptions are the most common. The difference is mainly that semi-open still retains some level of privacy between birth parents and adoptive parents, whereas open adoptions encourage an active, continual relationship with the birth parents throughout the child's life. Each adoption situation looks different, and can depend heavily on which agency you choose to work with. We feel most comfortable retaining some level of privacy, leaning more towards semi-open than open.
Searching for the Right Agency to Work With
Once we discussed what we were and were not comfortable with, we started looking into potential agencies to work with. The first agency we looked into was located out of town, which I'll nickname the Big City Agency. We liked the idea of working with an out-of-town agency in order to avoid the awkwardness of possibly running into the birth parents at the grocery store or something. If the birth parents lived in a different city, the chances of that happening would be greatly reduced.
So we read the information packet about adopting through the Big City Agency. But we did not feel at peace in the least. Quite honestly, the tone, rules, and requirements were written in such a way that it made us feel like the Big City Agency is only on the side of the birth parents. They are an open adoption agency, but to an extreme in my opinion.
They require that one parent commit to being a stay-at-home parent full-time until the child turns 18. While I desire to be a stay-at-home mom for at least half the time, we do not feel comfortable with an agency dictating to us about whether we can or cannot work for the life of the child.
They also require that the adoptive parents use one name that the birth parents give the newborn. Now, that's certainly respectable - they explain their reason for this rule is the importance of a name. We agree completely. That's why we want to be in charge of naming our own children. Our childrens' names are very important to us. We've had at least two names in mind for 9 years now.
And finally, the Big City Agency requires that the adoptive parents send lots of pictures, letters, and updates each month to the birth parents for the first 6 months and then twice a year until age 18. The adoptive parents would also have to agree to meet with the birth parents (with the child present) when the child is 6 or 7 months old, and then meet 2-3 times per year until the child is 18. Furthermore, the adoptive parents would have to agree to give the child whatever the birth parents send to the child throughout the year. Now, again, this is admirable that the Big City Agency seeks to promote such an open adoption situation. But that does not work for all families. And that does not work for our family. Though we will have tremendous respect for the birth parents and their sacrificial choice, we do not want to be obligated to visit with the birth parents for the child's life. We plan to tell our child that he/she is adopted and allow him/her to decide if and when he/she wants to meet the birth parents. We do not want to force those meetings if the child is not comfortable. And again, because we are quite different from the norm in terms of diet and lifestyle, it would be very awkward to feel obligated to give our child whatever the birth mother sends (i.e. the butter-filled cupcakes or the Miley Cyrus music album...cultural and dietary things we do not agree with).
In short, we desire to raise our children. Whether our children are adopted or come from our bodies, we desire to raise them according to our beliefs, and are not ashamed for dogmatically holding that view.
So to say the least, we did not have any peace about adopting through the Big City Agency.
Our next consideration was the Local Agency (my nickname for it). With the Local Agency, there is the potential for the awkward encounter at the store. But we liked what we read in their information packet. They too are an open adoption agency, but are much less "strict" than the Big City Agency, which is a wonderful attribute in our minds. Furthermore, the tone of the information packet was written in a way that made us feel like the Local Agency is on both parties' sides. Like they want what is best for everyone.
They request that one parent commit to staying at home full-time, but if that is not possible, to agree to not work more than 20 hours per week outside of the home (potentially allowing one parent to work full-time, where half of the time the parent works inside the home). This fit much better with us.
The Local Agency does not mention anything about using the name the birth parents give the child, and besides meeting with the birth mother during her pregnancy, there is no requirement to meet with the birth parents again. That allows each adoptive family and birth mother to decide how much contact they desire to have, which is how I think it should be. The Local Agency requires the adoptive parents to send updates during the first 6 months, but the updates are intended for the agency's review. And once the adoption is finalized, that's it, there are no more requirements about maintaining contact.
After we both read the information packet, we felt peace about inquiring more about this agency. But as it turns out, because this agency is local, they have a long waiting list of adoptive families, and only adopt about 8-10 babies per year, meaning that we could potentially have another 2-3 years before becoming parents. Furthermore, the Local Agency was not accepting new adoptive families because they already have so many waiting that have been through the approval process. We felt discouraged by this, but decided to put our names on the contact list in case they began accepting new families.
Finding THE Agency
In the meantime, we re-watched the TV show "Friends." Leave it to God to use Hollywood to move His children to action. For those unfamiliar with the show, two of the main characters, Chandler and Monica, find themselves unable to have biological children. So they decided to adopt, and ended up being matched with a birth mother in Ohio. We had a silly epiphany moment while watching this show that, "Hey, Chandler and Monica live in New York, but they were matched with someone in another state. Maybe we should look at a bigger agency that has access to birth mothers around the U.S., not just in Texas."
This reminded me of an agency (from now on I'll refer to it as the Chosen Agency) I had gotten information about during my initial search, but passed on because of the apparent higher costs. The Chosen Agency was one that some friends had also looked into and during one of our phone conversations, the wife spoke very highly of this agency because they have separate case workers for the adoptive parents and birth parents. This made a lot of sense to me because it's like having two realtors when a home is for sale: it doesn't make sense to have one realtor representing both the buyer and the seller - there is an inherent divided interest.
So I requested more information from the Chosen Agency. The more we read, the more at peace we felt. They have no restrictions on parents working vs. staying home, allowing the parents to decide how to raise their family. They help adoptive parents connect with birth mothers around the U.S. They place approximately 350 babies per year. By working with our own case worker, we would only be matched with a birth mother who wants the same level of openness as we do (semi-open).
We submitted an information sheet requesting to move forward with the Chosen Agency. They approved us, and invited us to attend a pre-adoption orientation on February 21st. It was a little bit of information overload (the orientation was an all-day event), but it was SO helpful and reassuring.
The first part of the morning was spent in a small group with one of the adoptive parent case workers. She walked us through the details of the whole adoption process, and allowed us to ask questions and look at examples of life books (photo books that are shown to potential birth mothers). The afternoon included a tour of their facility (they house birth mothers who have no other living arrangements), information about adoption tax credits, using the internet to build a profile for potential birth mothers (for those who are not in the same city as the Chosen Agency to look at the physical life books), the legal aspects of adopting through their agency, and a very helpful panel of adoptive parents and birth mothers.
My biggest takeaway from this orientation was that a birth mother is looking for a family to place her child with. Her biggest fear is that an adoptive family won't like her, or will judge her. And we felt encouraged to be ourselves (as crazy and leaf-eating hippie-like as we are in reality), because they want to know about the day-to-day aspects, as well as the future dreams, of the family they place their child with.
At the end of this orientation, we had the option of purchasing the full application forms to move forward with their agency (which we did). By submitting the main application form within one month of the orientation, we got a small discount on the total program fee. We have already submitted all of our application materials (medical forms, background checks, references, etc.) for the agency to review. Once approved, they will schedule and conduct the home study. Then we'll build our life books and profiles and we'll be officially waiting for a birth mother to choose us.
The Lord will have to be in complete control of this entire process, and we are faithfully stepping forward, waiting for Him to provide a child according to His plan.
I can't describe how excited I am. For the past 3 1/2 years, we've been what I call passively waiting. Praise be to God, that time of passively waiting was not fruitless. It was definitely required to teach us, mold us, and transform our hearts as I've described.
But now we're getting to move forward one step at a time. We're moving closer to becoming parents. It feels so wonderful, like we're expecting! Thank you, Lord, so much, for leading us through this journey. We're so excited to see what His plan is.
1 Peter 1:3-9 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.
I love this passage for several reasons. First, when I accepted Christ, I became a new person once and for all eternity. That means sin is no longer my master. When I mess up, fail, give into temptations…I’m forgiven because Christ stands before me, protecting me from the fate I deserve, and gives me a pass to be with Him for all eternity. Such grace. Such humbling, beautiful grace. Truly an undeserved favor.
Second, Peter says we have a living hope. This comforts me so much when I struggle with anxious thoughts of the unknown future of infertility. My hope is not in vain. It is alive because Christ lives in me. But like a living being, that hope must be nourished and properly cared for, otherwise it might shrink into a state of dis-health. When I allow depression and the enemy to dominate my thought life, my living hope is injured and sickly. I need to nourish it with food and water in the form of choosing hope over hopelessness. By spending time with my Father and His Word instead of dwelling on my own thoughts, fears, and worries.
Third, I’m protected by the power of God. That’s so huge and important to remember! When fears and worries begin to overtake me…when the enemy is whispering lies of shame in my ear, my God is ready and available to protect me. I need to turn to Him in those moments of weakness. He wants me to turn to Him in moments of weakness.
Fourth, Peter says that the various trials the people are being distressed by are for a little while. It is so incredibly easy to feel overwhelmed by infertility and to feel like I’m trapped in this chapter of life. Like it will last forever, I’ll never become a mother, woe to me. But that’s not true. Like any trial, it has been, is, and will always be temporary. A season. A chapter. It must have a beginning (December 2010) and therefore MUST have an END! For a little while. The “little while” may feel like an eternity to my earthly-bound state, but to God, it’s but a blip in the grand timeline He’s orchestrated. I just need to trust Him and do everything I can to be patient for His timing.
Fifth, Peter says that the purpose of our trials is to demonstrate the proof of your faith. He says trials should result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. This relates to how I am called to respond in the midst of suffering and trials. The purpose of my suffering is to show the greatness of God, not the vastness of my self-pity. I am called to respond with hope and joy when it’s illogical to other people. When the world says it’s time to give up, there’s no chance, etc…I should remain hopeful and joyful. Even when I’m hurting, God is still worthy of my praise. And I truly do have so much to praise Him for!
I love how verse 9 ends with you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible. Not just a little joy, but inexpressible joy. Greatly rejoice. So much joy you cannot describe with words how much! That’s a lot of joy, and if I truly focus on all that God has blessed me with – even while facing the pain and suffering of a trial – I find it easy to have joy. My eyes see that I am so richly blessed already. Even though now for a little while I am hurting. Be joyful. Inexpressibly joyful.
When you face a trial, a natural tendency is to blame yourself or feel guilty for getting yourself into the trial. With infertility, it's common to think thoughts like:
If I hadn't taken birth control pills for all those years, would I still have difficulty conceiving?
What did I do wrong to deserve this pain and suffering?
What more could I have done this past month to better track my cycle or time intercourse?
Why can't I do what so many other women are able to do with seemingly no effort?
What's wrong with me?
Why am I broken?
I could go on listing similar questions, but hopefully you get the idea. It's common to worry and dwell on thoughts like that.
But let's get one thing straight: infertility is NOT your fault.
You must accept the fact that there will always be certain aspects of life that are out of your control. And infertility is simply one of those things you can't control, so don't blame yourself for it.
Life is made up of choices, consequences, and circumstances. The three C's.
Choices
You have the freedom to make certain choices in life. With infertility, you can choose how much or how little you want to track your cycles, pursue medical intervention, be available for intercourse (but you only have control over your half of that equation; your husband has control over his half and you have to accept that it takes two to tango). This is the only thing you have control over, so I encourage you to pray for wisdom as you take time to decide on choices in your life.
Consequences
You have control over the choices you make. You do not have control over some of the consequences of your choices. Your choices will naturally lead to consequences. Tracking your cycles excessively may result in feelings of empowerment, knowing how your body is behaving...but it may also bring added stress because you're focused on your cycle day in and day out. Pursuing medical interventions will certainly have consequences on your body, your health, your future health (increased risk of cancer, for example), your relationships, and schedule. Ask any woman who has been through IVF procedures, and she will tell you how involved and expensive the process is. Likewise, not pursuing medical interventions may lead to feelings of fear, like "What if I'm not doing everything I could be doing to get pregnant?" As I previously mentioned, you have to make certain choices about what you are or are not okay with, and then be okay with the consequences of those choices. All choices have consequences, good or bad. Since consequences are a direct result of your choices, this should motivate you to pursue God before you make a choice, asking Him for wisdom and guidance. Once you've made your choice, you are at the mercy of consequences that are out of your control.
Circumstances
You do not have control over your circumstances, and unlike consequences, circumstances are not a direct result of your choices. Circumstances are independent of your choices. You can choose to save up for a house, mortgage a small portion of it, and purchase home insurance, but you cannot control a tornado destroying your house and having to start over with a few belongings and the insurance money. You can make wise choices that hopefully result in good consequences, but your circumstances may affect your life dramatically without any input from you. The death of a loved one, natural disasters, etc. With infertility, you cannot control your circumstances like a close friend announcing her pregnancy, or you miscarrying your baby. You can choose everything wisely, and you can prepare and hope for good consequences to your choices, but your circumstances are independent and unpredictable.
So once you've accepted how much and how little control you have over aspects of your life, how do you deal with the things you can't control? Allow Paul to share some of his wisdom with you.
Philippians 4:11-12 11 Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
This is the key to maintaining a heart of hope and joy in the midst of trials and suffering. God will grant you wisdom to make wise choices if You ask Him. The consequences to your choices or simply the uncontrollable will lead to your life's circumstances. God asks us all to be content no matter what our circumstances are. Whether your circumstances are good or bad, happy or sad, full or empty, bright or dark...be content. There is ALWAYS at least one thing you have to be thankful for. So dwell on that. Praise God for that one thing (and the many things). Be content.
Better still, LEARN to be content. Paul admits that contentment is something to be learned. When you learn something, you usually have to study it, ponder it, repeat it, and practice it. Do the same with contentment. Choose contentment, and your consequences will follow a heart of contentment. Choosing contentment will strengthen your heart for whatever circumstances come your way.
I've always been a planner. Whether or not I actually carry through with a plan, I have always been one to make plans. I feel scattered and lost without at least having a plan for many aspects of my life. In other words, it comforts me to know what's supposed to happen. For example, even something as simple as running a few errands compels me to formulate a plan. I list out all the locations I want to go to and then write numbers next to each location to tell me what order I should go to each one to maximize the efficiency of my driving route.
If I'm that crazy with errands, you can imagine how much I planned for big decisions in my life. When we married over 6 years ago, our plan was to enjoy the first few years together "just us." We were both wanting to finish school and a baby was simply not in the plan. Birth control pills were the method of contraception we chose. It was the method with the highest probability of preventing conception - the method that was most likely to keep us on the path of our child-free plan. I've always been meticulous and responsible, so it was no trouble for me to take the pill at the same time every day without missing one.
I took the pill for the first 2 years of marriage, but experienced negative side effects (depression, low libido, nausea, etc.) that made us decide to change our plan. We switched contraception methods to a less certain one - condoms - in 2009. Still sticking with our child-free plan, we knew there was a higher chance that we might get pregnant using condoms than taking the pill, but we decided that was best for us overall.
It's not that I didn't like or want kids at all. They were definitely part of the plan in the future, but not yet. And if I'm honest, I wasn't starstruck about kids. Sure, they could be cute. But they could also be completely and utterly gross. Sticky. Smelly. Slobbery. Worse behaved than my dogs. I was very timid around kids, and had no desire to hold other people's kids. But I figured I would love my own kids someday, hence why they were in my plan. Plus, the way I felt about kids at that time was more like "you're supposed to have kids" not "I want to have kids." (Michael shared my same mindset.) As you can see, God had some work to do in our hearts.
About a year later, I experienced a very late period. I was so scared that I went to the doctor to have my blood tested for pregnancy. I don't know why, but I didn't think about taking a home pregnancy test first. (I think God knew what events needed to take place, so maybe that's why the thought never entered my mind.) We were both very nervous about possibly being pregnant. What would we do?! This is much earlier than we'd planned for. Could we afford to have a baby now? Are we mature enough to raise a child? The what-ifs were endless. I received a phone call from my doctor's office with the test results.
"Your pregnancy test came back negative."
My heart sank. I felt...disappointed. Disappointed?
I couldn't believe that was my response to the test result. Not being pregnant was in line with our plan, so why would I feel sad by the test result? It made no sense to me. But now I know that it was clearly God working and moving in the depths of my heart, stirring a deep rooted desire to be a mother. Metaphorically, he awoke a sleeping giant.
Since that day, my desire to be a mother has only grown. And so from that day forward, my plans changed. I wanted to be a mother as soon as possible.
At first it was I alone that held this desire. Michael was not yet ready to even consider trying to conceive a baby. I still have my old prayer journals full of prayer after prayer that God would work in Michael's heart, help him to be open to becoming a father and gain that desire for himself. I tried to talk about my desires with Michael so that he would be fully aware of how I felt. I was ecstatic when he finally relented in December 2010 and agreed that we could begin trying to conceive.
So I made my new plan in that moment: get pregnant right away and announce it Christmas morning to our families. It would have been magical. There would have been tears and hugs and tons of excitement.
But it would not have been right, because it was my plan and not God's.
Since entering the realm of infertility, God has moved mountains of stubbornness in my heart. Mountains so large and deeply entrenched that I never thought they could be moved. But He is God after all. Most powerful, yet most gentle. Unwavering in His plans.
He taught me that it's okay to make plans, but only if I remain open to His plan above all else. That's the hard part to apply in life.
When you struggle with infertility, there are so many overwhelming decisions to make. What tests and procedures to try, when, with what doctor, how much are you willing to pay, when do you decide to move on to the next step, etc.
Planners like me can be very tempted to make plan after plan and keep trying to force their plan into existence. But at some point, you must stop. You must yield to the unyielding God. You must let him move your mountain of stubbornness where He pleases (which is out of your heart). You must trust that He has a plan, that it includes you, and that His plan will truly be the best one. And then the hardest part, you must decide to choose to follow His plan instead of your own.
I continue to struggle with this, but I recognize and am thankful for how far I've come in this struggle. I know how stubborn I used to be, how hard I fought to keep my plan in place.
But I reached a point where I finally relented and decided to let go of keeping my plans in first place. My desires to be a mother have not changed. My desires to conceive a biological child have not changed. But pretty much every other part of my heart has been forever changed.
I no longer look at kids as just part of the plan. I no longer view adoption as a charitable act of kindness. I know better than to pry into other couples' family planning ("So...when will you guys have kids?"). I know that if I do end up conceiving a biological child, that child is never going to truly be mine, but the Lord's. I know that whomever ends up being my child, it is the purest form of a blessing from God, and I should be grateful day in and day out at having the honor of such an important role as a mother.
Most importantly, I know that all of this pain and heartache is ultimately meant to bring glory to God and all His goodness. He has been so faithful and gentle in dealing with this stubborn planner in yours truly. He took a girl who was lukewarm about kids and transformed her into a woman longing for children of her own yet seeking God's will even if it does not line up with her plans and desires. He took a boy who had superficial and unrealistic views about children and molded him into a man with a deep heart's desire to be a father and to teach his children about the glory of the Lord. He took a marriage that likely would not have survived had we conceived according to my plans, and transformed it into a lasting and beautiful expression of grace. He made us partners. He showed us that children are not to be idolized because all good things come from God, and He deserves all the glory, not the object of the blessing.
As much as I think my plans are best, I believe His plans are even better, and I want nothing more than to allow Him to carry out His plan in my life.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
The Latest Update On Us:
We are loving our new diet and lifestyle and plan (lol) to stick with it for life because we believe it's the best way to honor our temples, no matter the outcome (hoping for biological conception but whether our journey ends with conception or not will not change our decision to adopt a plant-based diet). I don't think we ever would have been open to adopting a plant-based diet unless we'd experienced this trial, so praise God for that.
We have been plant-based for almost 9 months, and although we have yet to conceive, we are not interested in pursuing any form of medical procedures to help us conceive. We have felt the Lord confirm in our hearts that He wants us to keep waiting at this time. The only way we will include the medical field in our family planning is if the Lord clearly moves us in that direction.
We are open to God's will, whatever that may be. We are open to adopting, but will not pursue adoption until we feel Him leading us down that path. Adoption is not an easy process. It will require an extensive amount of research, financial planning, and emotional commitment. We have decided to wait until December 2014 before we begin to research the adoption process, unless the Lord moves us to act sooner (or later) than that time. This is an example of me making a plan because it brings me comfort to have a date to look forward to (December 2014), but God's plan and timing come first. We will ultimately do what He wills, when He wills it.
Thank you to those who continue to pray for us. We are grateful for your love and friendship. We look forward to seeing what God has planned for our lives.
Philippians 4:11-13 11 Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
Take a moment to meditate on the verses above.
Today I want to speak directly to those reading this who are currently in the midst of infertility. Usually my posts are generic enough to apply to other life issues, and perhaps you'll still be interested in reading this, but I just feel compelled to level with my fellow infertile-sisters today.
My sweet sister, do not take the present for granted.
I know how easy it is and how often you dwell on your future hopes, and that's certainly not a bad thing. But you must be careful not to get so overly-focused on the future that you neglect the present.
Some "state-of-your-heart" questions to ask yourself are:
Have I been an active participant in my other relationships besides my spouse, or have I pulled away?
Are my husband and I focusing on our marriage well, or is there tension and strife?
Am I over-consumed with the potential of being pregnant that I'm neglecting having fun? (Have a drink occasionally! Don't fret about eating sushi...bleh, if you like that sort of thing.)
Do I become distraught over "wasting" another month when the timing of intercourse doesn't work out?
Am I allowing time to become a master over my attitude? (Fretting about my age, timing intercourse, the timing of fertility treatments/decisions, etc.)
Am I actually enjoying sex, or is my primary thought about the potential of conceiving?
Have I been putting off any life-goals or activities for the hopeful possibility that this will be "the" month?
Am I angry with God for not answering my prayers?
Sisters, the present is full of wonderful adventures and beauty, you just have to allow yourself to live in it. And I get a free pass to say this next statement, because I'm still a member of the "infertile club": please enjoy the quiet house, the full night's sleep, and the spontaneity you have with your husband. Seriously ladies, enjoy it! Your house will one day have children in it, but not today. So don't let this time slip away without its proper appreciation. You are blessed today, and you will be blessed tomorrow. Be thankful for the present and learn to be content in your present circumstances, even if they are not the circumstances that align with your plans and desires.
Here's the latest update on us...
We are loving life. We are filled with the Lord's perfect peace and feel completely sure we are doing what God wants us to be doing right now with regard to growing our family: patiently waiting.
A few months ago, as my mental health improved and I finally overcame my depression about infertility (thanks to the Lord and better physical health!), I can honestly say that I have learned to be content about our family situation now. My baby room is still empty, but my heart is full of peace.
I've truly been thankful for the ability to have so much quality time together, just the two of us. Free of interruptions, dirty diapers and spit up. Quiet serenity at home (except for the occasional dog bark of course). Getting to sleep in a little on Saturdays. The ability to keep a (relatively) clean house. Even though I desire to be a stay-at-home Mom, we have a lot more "fun money" at our disposal because we both currently work full-time. That also means we'll pay off our house much sooner than if we had gotten pregnant according to our plan.
I really do want God's plan over my own. Many months ago, I had to recite that to myself, hoping I would actually believe and feel it one day. But that day has finally come. However God plans to bring children into our life, that's what I want. And I'm totally at peace about that. I'm just dedicated to soak up as much of the present as I can before God reveals His plan to us.
I can relate this feeling to the time when we were living in a one bedroom apartment and saving up for a house down payment. It was all I could do not to get worked up with desires and dreams about one day living in a house. It was an eventual certainty - we would be living in a house someday, just not quite yet. A real house! With a yard for the dogs, and more than one bedroom. More than one bathroom! But I also knew that I would likely never be in that present situation again - living meagerly to save as much as possible. Having crazy stories about how cramped we were living with 2 humans and 5 pets in a one bedroom apartment. Making up nicknames for all our neighbors. Walking to church. I knew that I better take good mental pictures, because one day I would look back on those "tough" times with fondness and nostalgia.
The same applies to your life in the midst of infertility. It's fun, good, and exciting to look ahead and dream. But you should make as much effort as possible to enjoy the present, while you still can. Don't be in such a hurry to rush this process. God has His plan already laid out, so try your best to sit back and live it out. Your precious time of "just the two of you" is running out quickly. You may not feel like it's quick, but trust me, one day you'll look back at this time and realize just how quick it was. So don't miss out on today's opportunities to enjoy your time together. This time is truly precious.
Here's a trailer for the movie, in case you've never heard of it:
Every Life is Beautiful.
That's the movie's tagline. We watched this movie last week and were moved to tears. For several reasons.
1. It's a reminder that no matter what, you have the power to forgive others for their wrongs. For their choices. But here's the key: you only have that power if you yourself hold the free gift of God's forgiveness through Jesus Christ in your heart. "Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you." - Ephesians 4:32
2. It's a reminder that God has a plan. And even when, from our narrow perspective, His plan includes pain, suffering, and death...there is inevitably beauty and glory to be found in that plan. When a life is lost due to miscarriage, abortion, murder, an accident, illness, suicide, or simply old age, it is a tragedy. It does not escape God's notice. It is within His sovereign plan. There can be joy found in those moments of sorrow. When a life is saved from those tragedies, it's for a purpose. Had a life been successfully aborted, then that life would never have interacted with all the people it eventually did. It's amazing how the chain of events are impacted. In our personal situation, we are beginning to see how God orchestrated every detail in our journey of pursuing to have children. Every moment of sadness, every setback, every disappointment...has led us to the place where we are today. God has used our painful journey to shape us, completely change our hearts about a variety of things, and open our minds to the reality of our health choices. Enough to change our diet and lifestyle forever. Which, in case you didn't know this about us, has now changed how we plan to raise, nurture, and nourish our future children. If we have anything to say about it, our children will not eat meat or dairy. When they are adults, they can make their own choices, but while in our house, they will be given no other choice than to follow our dietary standards because we believe it's what best for them. We can only speculate if God has spared us or our future children of some health-related condition that would have otherwise been developed. He is so good!
3. It's a beautiful story about adoption. Without spoiling too much of the movie, I'll simply say that it's tearjerking to hear stories of fallen, sinful human beings displaying the kind of unconditional love that God showed to us through Jesus. God adopted us horrible creatures as His children. We don't deserve it. We should not be desirable. But God loves us and adopted us anyway. When there is a child who is adopted in the world, it's beautiful. When there's a disabled or impaired child who is adopted, it's so beautiful. God loves us all. We should strive to return that love to all the world.
It was a sunny afternoon on December 4, 2010. We had just returned from a church social event, where a mutual friend/couple had brought her twin girls. They were so precious! She asked me to help feed one of her girls, and I sat in awe as I held this little girl and gazed into her eyes as she sipped from her bottle. I remember thinking, "I could totally get the hang of this." (I formerly had a fear that I wouldn't have a clue how to take care of a baby's needs.) Michael came over shortly after and held one of the girls. I remember thinking how much I loved that image of him - my handsome husband holding a tender, delicate little baby girl.
I had been talking for months with Michael about how I felt more and more comfortable with the idea of starting a family. So this afternoon, after having been around babies, of course the conversation went that way again. I shared my feelings and desires to become a mom, and after expressing some concerns about financial stability and how a baby would dramatically change our lives, Michael agreed that we could begin trying.
Hooray!!! It just so happened that I was scheduled to ovulate a couple days later. What perfect timing to get pregnant, just in time to announce it to our families on Christmas morning! How did I ever get to be so lucky to have that timing work out so well.
After a few days of enjoying the "consequences" of the decision to start trying (hint hint), I began counting down the days until I could take a pregnancy test. I had everything planned perfectly...I went to the Dollar Store and bought a cheap pregnancy test. Kudos to me for saving some money!
Finally the day arrived when I could take the test. Having never taken one before, I of course had to read the instructions to make sure I did everything right. Put a couple drops of urine on the strip, wait 3 minutes, and then let the celebrations begin!
Wait a second...what does one line mean? Only one baby?
Negative...
It's amazing how much one tiny pink line can impact one's emotions. And it's equally amazing how quickly your mind can be inundated with thoughts of doubt.
Is there something wrong with me? With Michael? Will we have a hard time getting pregnant?
A little disappointed, I brushed off those thoughts, and was determined to figure out this whole conception thing. Christmas came and went.
I remember sitting in bed talking with Michael on New Year's Eve. We were discussing our New Year's Resolutions. Michael's was to compete in an arm-wrestling tournament (which he did). I remember stating mine: "To become a mom."
Oh dear was I setting myself up for disappointment. To make that a resolution, or even a goal or accomplishment was so naive. I had yet to learn how little control a person has on the conception of a life.
Fast forward to today. It has been 2 years, 3 months, and 7 days since that decision was made. 829 days to be exact.
829 days of waiting. Of prayers and pleading. Of tears and broken dreams. But also of growth and character development. Renewed faith and neverending hope. God has completely transformed the both of us in these past 829 days. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually...we are forever changed. We have a new mindset and heart when it comes to children and the hope of having them someday.
I personally went through darkness and thankfully, emerged again into His light. I know that I did not always behave or react the right way during these past 829 days, but I have learned so many valuable lessons.
I'm at a point now where I feel very settled in. Infertility is the norm for me now. I don't mean that in a depressed way. More of a comfort level kind of way. I am so used to the process of trying, waiting, grieving, and trying again, that I feel like if things were to change, it might take me some time to get used to that change.
I've always been slow to change...it's just my personality type. When I make a plan, I get uncomfortable if the plan changes. I used to be a lot worse about that, but I've relaxed quite a bit thanks to infertility. But still, I'm comfortable with where I am now. The thought of getting pregnant is almost bringing back the same fears as before we started trying. Wow, could I really learn how to take care of another life?
I realized the other day after we listened to a conference call about pregnancy that the Wellness Forum hosted that I know nothing about pregnancy and labor. I mean, I know the basics of what goes in must come out, but I'm lacking the details of what happens throughout a pregnancy, the stages of labor, and what in the world you're supposed to do with a baby when you take it home (without an instruction manual)...that's really scary to me. I intentionally forbade myself from reading and learning about it in order to keep my expectations from getting out of hand. I also wanted to save something special for pregnancy. Because of that, I realized that if the Lord does allow us to become pregnant, we will be starting completely over from scratch. We will have a ton of research to do and things to learn and decide about. I already feel like I need to start taking some deep breaths to relax!
Sometimes I imagine what our lives will look like if the Lord does allow us to get pregnant. Would it really change our lives and daily routine all that much? What social norms am I comfortable with now and which am I uncomfortable with? Will I one day forget about this struggle and begin to take our child for granted? And here's my biggest question: Will I always feel that twinge in my stomach whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement or see a pregnant woman, or does that go away? I have gotten so used to that twingy feeling that it's hard to believe it will disappear over night.
I'm just so thankful that no matter what changes occur in our lives, one thing will remain unchanged:
Hebrews 13:8 Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Our lives could remain this way for even more years, or they could be thrown upside down with the blessing of a pregnancy. But God will always remain the same, forever the steady and peaceful presence by our side. Settled or unsettled, He is always with us. I'll close with a song I love that illustrates this point...enjoy!
