HSG Test, a.k.a. The Alien Abduction

Thank you all so much for your prayers on October 4th for my HSG test!!

Question: How did it go?
Answer: Ouch, but good.

HSG stands for hysterosalpingogram. Seeing as how I had to copy and paste that, you can see why everyone prefers to abbreviate it. It's basically an x-ray, coupled with injecting x-ray visible dye to see the shape of the uterus and to check if the fallopian tubes are blocked or open. Thankfully, mine were were open. Praise God!

But as for the "how do they do that"...well, that's more akin to an alien abduction movie. So not that I recommend getting one of these tests for fun, but if you ever have to have one, or are simply curious, here's what my experience was.

First surprise is that these tests are done in radiology (unless you're at a fertility clinic where perhaps they have equipment specifically for this procedure). Then I changed into the toga-gown. Very fashionable. I think it's what they use for women getting a mammogram. Like this:

But mine was blue. So there you go.

Anyway, then they took me into the x-ray room, and I waited there for Dr. H. to arrive. At this point Michael and my mom were allowed to come in and put on their lead aprons. Then I had to lay down on the metal table. Thankfully, the nurse working that room was wonderful. She laid a blanket on the metal table so it wasn't as cold. She also gave me two rolled up rags to squeeze in case I needed to. Oh boy, how handy those came in!

After Dr. H. gathered all the tools she would need, the alien prodding began. Speculum, a.k.a. bird beak. Then I have no idea what tools were used, because I was focused on squeezing every single fiber out of those rolled up rags, and staring at the square-shaped air vent in the ceiling. You know the ones that have concentric squares of smaller and smaller sizes as you move towards the center?

But from reading, I believe Dr. H. did something to hold onto the cervix to allow her to insert a catheter into it. On the other end of the catheter was a syringe with x-ray visible dye. The first time she tried to inject the dye, it wouldn't inject, so she had to re-insert or maybe insert the catheter even farther to allow the dye to be injected. Like I said, I was not aware of anything at that point, just those concentric squares and squeezing those rags. An actual alien could have walked into the room and did a song and dance number and I doubt I would have noticed. In fact at some point, the radiologist was all of a sudden at my side, operating the x-ray machine to take images of my pelvic region as the dye was injected. Being male, normally I'm very shy and paranoid about being modest and ensuring I'm all covered, but by this point I was just wanting. it. to. end. (Plus I knew Michael had my back, lol.)

Apparently whenever the cervix is tampered with, immediate cramping can be triggered. Now obviously I do not know this from experience, but I'm guessing that what I felt was similar to early stages of labor, except that it wasn't letting up until she removed everything. Hence squeezing those rags. Oh and breathing. Slow deep breaths to try to force myself to relax despite the pain. The nurse had wonderful bedside manner, and kept checking on me and rubbing my shoulder and asking if I was okay. Her name was Mary. I love you, Mary!

The procedure part lasted about 10 minutes for me since she had to re-insert the catheter. It probably would have been a bit shorter otherwise. But once she removed everything, I felt much better, with only mild cramping and a feeling of being light-headed. So I remained lying down while Dr. H. showed me the x-ray image and reassured me that everything looked great, both tubes are open.

Sorry I don't have a picture of my uterus, but here's an example of what a "normal" HSG test looks like:

Michael and my mom said it was really neat to watch the x-ray images form a flipbook like video of the dye filling the uterus and going through the tubes and then exiting the tubes in a spiral cloud.

Dr. H. said that having this test can "flush out" my tubes, which can increase our fertility chances this month and told us "don't skip this month". ;)

If I do not get pregnant this month, then next month we plan to begin using a fertility drug.

Thank you again for your prayers and sweet messages on the 4th! Please continue to pray that we would be patient for God's timing, and that He would guide us to the best decision about what steps to take next. Thank you!

Chosen

I've been reading through a Bible-in-a-year plan, and a few weeks ago was in the book of Esther. If you have never read this book in the Bible, I encourage you to do so. It's an amazing story about how God works through His people, according to His perfect plan.

The part of Esther I'm going to focus on is from chapter 4. To provide you with a brief background, Esther (her Hebrew name was Hadassah) was an orphan who lived with her uncle Mordecai in the city of Susa under King Ahasuerus' reign. The king ordered that all the choicest young and beautiful women be rounded up and beautified for one year. Then each woman was given one night, one chance with the king before the king would decide which woman would become his wife. The king chose Esther and she became his wife. At this same time, there was an evil and very prideful man who was named Haman. Without sharing all the details (seriously, you should read the book for yourself), Haman hated Jews, and he manipulated the king into passing a law that would allow for the complete death and destruction of all the Jewish people in the kingdom. You see, the king did not know that his own wife was one of the Jewish people because her uncle Mordecai instructed her to hide that fact from the king for her own safety, and he was the one who changed her name to Esther before she was taken into the king's palace. So when this law was passed that would allow for Haman to slaughter all the Jewish people, Mordecai immediately went to Esther to plead her help. Here's how it went down:

Esther 4:8-17
8 He (Mordecai) also gave him (Hathach, Esther's messenger boy) a copy of the text of the edict which had been issued in Susa for their destruction, that he might show Esther and inform her, and to order her to go in to the king to implore his favor and to plead with him for her people.

9 Hathach came back and related Mordecai's words to Esther. 10 Then Esther spoke to Hathach and ordered him to reply to Mordecai: 11 "All the king's servants and the people of the king's provinces know that for any man or woman who comes to the king to the inner court who is not summoned, he has but one law, that he be put to death, unless the king holds out to him the golden scepter so that he may live. And I have not been summoned to come to the king for these thirty days." 12 They related Esther's words to Mordecai.

13 Then Mordecai told them to reply to Esther, "Do not imagine that you in the king's palace can escape any more than all the Jews. 14 For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance will arise for the Jews from another place and you and your father's house will perish. And who knows whether you have not attained royalty for such a time as this?"

15 Then Esther told them to reply to Mordecai, 16 "Go, assemble all the Jews who are found in Susa, and fast for me; do not eat or drink for three days, night or day. I and my maidens also will fast in the same way. And thus I will go in to the king, which is not according to the law; and if I perish, I perish." 17 So Mordecai went away and did just as Esther had commanded him.

Verses 8-12 show how Esther experienced feelings of fear. She probably knew deep down that it was the right thing to do - to go to the king even though unsummoned, risking her very life - but she was initially afraid. It only took some tough love from her uncle in verses 13-14 to give her the courage to face that fear and trust in God.

I love the way Mordecai challenges Esther. The way he reminds her that God has a plan. His plan is perfect. And most importantly, His plan will not be changed. Esther could either choose to be a part of His plan, by helping the Jewish people and go to the king unsummoned, or choose to cling to her fear and wait it out. Mordecai said in verse 14 that relief and deliverance would come from another place if Esther chose to remain silent. God's plan will not be swayed, even by the disobedience of His people. He will find someone else to obey Him.

Even more so, Mordecai pointed out to Esther in verse 14, that perhaps God appointed her to the position of queen for this specific time and purpose. Isn't that incredible? God orchestrated the set of events that led to Esther being made queen. From her very birth, as a naturally beautiful knock-out of a woman, to being chosen from amongst all the other knock-outs in the kingdom.

So again, Esther was faced with a choice: to play a part in God's plan or not. Whether to remain silent, in effect being useless to and failing to serve God, or not. In verses 15-17, Esther made her choice. "If I perish, I perish"

She was resolved to obey the will of God, no matter the consequences. No matter if her life was at stake. No matter if she was scared. She recognized that she was chosen for a specific purpose, and ran with it. Trusting God to do the rest.

In my opinion, Esther is one of my favorite examples of a God-fearing woman in the Bible. She sets such a great example for me.

I did not choose to struggle with infertility. I certainly did not choose to experience this pain and suffering. But God chose me. Though he may not be directly causing my infertility (recall from this post that God does not cause suffering, but allows it to come about and then uses it for His good and glory), he certainly allowed it to take place because He knew that I possessed the character qualities and personality to serve Him and work according to His plan to bring Him glory.

This is an important and very encouraging point that Beth Moore also mentioned in her book, Get Out of That Pit. That when you experience hardship, there can be a tendency to blame God for why that hardship could be happening to you. But Beth Moore makes it clear that God isn't picking on you...he picked you out.

Take comfort in that truth. God is not bound by time. He knows all things, down to smallest molecule, for all past, present, and future. Whatever hardship you're experiencing, is because He has chosen you to help His people. To be a light for Him. To bring glory to Him. He looked at all of time, all that there is, and He decided to allow you to experience this hardship because you are the right person for the job. You were chosen to face this hardship.

Even though it hurts. A LOT. Even though you're battling a multitude of fears and what-ifs. Obey Him. Trust Him to handle the rest. Trust Him with every aspect of your life - your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual safety. Trust Him.

Love & Hope,
Christine

Latest Update and Prayer Requests

August through October are hereby declared the season of "Doctorall" in our household (or do you prefer "Doctorer" or "Doctoring" instead?)

Between the two of us, we have been (or will be) to the doctor:
August: 4 times
September: 6 times
October: 4 times (scheduled so far)


Keep in mind this is compared to the other typical months of the year:
Typically: 0 times

I don't want to do the math to figure out how much that is in co-pays...yikes, I did it anyway...geez

So here is the latest update on us:

----------------------------------------------

Completed Appointments:
August 2 -- My annual checkup with my primary care physician, Dr. S., and to get a renewed progesterone cream prescription. He also ordered a blood test for me to check CBC (complete blood count) and progesterone levels again.

August 21 -- Unrelated to infertility, I had a cyst removed from my scalp. Fun, let me tell you...but Dr. S. did a great job, and thankfully there is no bald spot. I've since gotten a haircut to celebrate:

For those who haven't seen it yet...I got the length of it trimmed, the front angled, and now have side swept bangs instead of no bangs.

August 24 -- Fasting blood draw that Dr. S. ordered from the August 2nd appointment. This was on my cycle day 23 of 28 (optimal time to check progesterone levels). All CBC blood work was normal, except for a very slight vitamin D deficiency, so I've added that to the bunches of pills I swallow every day. :)
And I was so excited because my progesterone was 15.5!! (Previously in the 7-9 range)

August 29 -- Went to have my stitches removed, and could finally scratch my head normally. Hey, small things make a big difference, okay?

September 4 -- Another U.T.I. and so you know what that means...more Adventures of Peeing in a Cup!

September 5 -- Michael had a fasting CBC blood draw appointment.

September 10 -- Eye appointment. All looked great, and I was fitted with a trial pair of contacts to see if I can switch from Acuvue 2 to Air Optix Aqua.

September 13 -- Follow up eye appointment. Couldn't see as well, so he increased the prescription slightly to the really poor mild amount of -8.00 and -7.50 contacts (my natural eyesight is so good, that without the contacts, I couldn't make out the big E until I was inches away)...but at least I can see 20/10 with the contacts!

September 19 - A doctor appointment with my OB/GYN, Dr. H. This appointment was meant to be a discussion on the next plan of action to take (additional tests, procedures, etc.) and to discuss our options. I really love Dr. H. She is so nice. And what I love most is that she is not pushy at all. And when I say not pushy, I mean she says things like "Well, here are your options [lists them], but I just don't know what you guys feel is right for you..." It's so refreshing to hear a doctor say stuff like that.

So the consensus is that we have two options from here:

1. Continue down the road of diagnostic testing (try to find a problem to explain why we haven't conceived); or 
2. Begin basic fertility assistance treatments (drugs, IUI, IVF). 

After discussing the fine details of our particular situation, Michael and I feel like the best option at this point is to have one more diagnostic test done called an HSG test that will check to see if my fallopian tubes are open or blocked. It's not a very comfortable test from what I've been told. They insert a tube into your cervix, and then inject x-ray visible dye through the tube, then immediately x-ray your abdominal cavity to watch how the dye moves through the uterus and (hopefully) out both tube openings near the ovaries.

Dr. H. doesn't think there's any reason my tubes would be blocked, but the reason Michael and I (and Dr. H. agrees) want to just be sure my tubes aren't blocked is because we feel ready to take the next step under option 2) -- Clomid drug.

So if you recall from a previous post referring to a doctor's visit in the summer of 2011, Clomid was the drug that my first OB/GYN doctor wanted to put me on, but I didn't feel comfortable at that time because Clomid is a drug meant to stimulate ovulation. But at that time, I knew from my cycle tracking that I was already ovulating (and this fact was confirmed via vaginal ultrasounds with Dr. H. later). But Dr. H. thinks that even though I'm ovulating regularly, it might be a good first drug to start with because it may cause multiple eggs to be released, which might increase our "normal chances" each cycle. (So instead of us, say, having an average chance of 5% of conception, we may have 10%...just made those numbers up as an example.)

She also said that Clomid has been around for a long time (50 years) and that it's the cheapest fertility drug you can get. (There are injection type drugs that costs hundreds/month.) But, using Clomid is pointless if your tubes are blocked because there would be no way for the sperm to meet the egg no matter how many eggs there are, hence why we want to be certain my tubes aren't blocked before paying for and using Clomid.

The positives of using Clomid:

• 45% of couples using Clomid get pregnant within 6 cycles (they recommend not using Clomid for more than 6 cycles) 
• It tricks your brain into thinking it hasn't produced enough estrogen, so your body kicks it into overdrive to make more estrogen (estrogen is what makes cervical mucus and stimulates egg production)
• Since I've been low in cervical mucus production, there's a chance my body may produce even more (hopefully)

But the negative side effects are:

• Clomid can cause your body to make hostile cervical mucus - obviously not what I want, but they say that this risk is greater for higher doses (I'll be starting on a low dose) 
• 10% chance of twins (although I would love to suddenly have two children instead of zero, twins create a complicated and potentially dangerous pregnancy)
• Headaches 
• Nausea 
• Blurred vision 
• Breast tenderness 
• Hot flashes 
• Mood swings 

Again, these are more likely to happen with higher doses, so hopefully I won't experience any of them. I also plan to use ovulation predictor pee sticks to facilitate our timing of intercourse, just in case the Clomid dries my cervical mucus to where I can't tell when I ovulate (since I don't track my temperatures anymore, I've only been watching my cervical mucus to determine when I'm about to ovulate).

September 20 -- Michael's annual appointment with Dr. S. to discuss the results of his blood draw from September 5. Overall his CBC looked great, just a slightly high cholesterol level. Dr. S. recommended we eat a wheat-free diet, which we are now moving towards. I may blog about this later because it's a lengthy topic on its own. :)

Upcoming Appointments:
September 27 -- Vet appointment. Obviously this doesn't involve us or infertility, but I just wanted you all to know that our pet children are getting the care they need. :)

October 3 -- Urology appointment for me. I've contracted 3 U.T.I.'s in the past year, and since the usual tips to avoid getting them have not been helping me, they want me to see a urologist to make sure there isn't some other reason I might be prone to getting them all of a sudden. (These 3 have been the only 3 U.T.I.'s I've ever had.)

October 4 -- HSG test to check my fallopian tubes.

October 10 -- Dermatology appointment to check possible skin allergies. Over the past 6 months or so (not really sure when I finally thought that it was strange), I've been getting very short-term (15-20 minutes) raised bumps along my jaw line that itch like crazy for a little bit and then disappear. I can't tie it to a particular product or food or anything because it also happens on days I don't wear anything on my face, eat different foods, and it happens at different times of day. Sometimes once a day, sometimes several times in one day. Maybe stress-related? I hope whatever it is would be easily identified and treated if necessary.

October 30 -- Dentist appointments. Unrelated to infertility, but still good to have done. Gotta maintain those purrty smiles! :)

Prayer Requests:

• Urology appointment - that the results would be favorable, no serious cause for frequent U.T.I.'s. Or better yet, that I would simply stop getting them, period! (And while you're at it, you could pray that I'd stop getting periods for nine months...thanks!)
• HSG test - I'm a little nervous about this test, because I tend to get a little squeamish when it comes to medical procedures, and this one does not sound like your ordinary OB/GYN checkup. As my mother can confirm, my first gynecology appointment at 18 years old was traumatic for me. I literally fainted. And this procedure is going to feel "uncomfortable" she said, and she also suggested I take 3 ibuprofens about an hour beforehand. So your prayers about this procedure for me to be calm and tough it out would be much appreciated. Dr. H. was wonderful in explaining all the details I can expect to happen that day, which brings me a lot of comfort that she takes the time to tell me everything. Also please pray for the result to be favorable (tubes would be open).
• And the usual prayer request - For us to have patience and strength to wait for God's perfect timing and plan to unfold.

So that's where we're at. We both feel excited about this next step for some reason (trying Clomid). I'm surprised, especially because we both were so resistant to using Clomid back when my first doctor prescribed it last summer. My hope (not having expectations) is that God knew we needed to go through this past year of growing in Him, faith, and our marriage and that's why He didn't let us feel peace about Clomid the first time, but now we do. I know I definitely needed to learn that I cannot control everything, because there will always be some things that are simply out of our control. Creating a life is one of them. We are both so thankful for all of the humility and wisdom God has taught us through this, and we greatly appreciate your love, prayer, and support. This journey would be much more difficult to bear without it. Truly, we thank you!

Love & Hope,
Christine

Suffering

The Lord has been consistently pressing this topic on my heart. You know how you will be sitting in church sometimes and you think, "Wow, it's like this sermon was written specifically for me and what I'm going through!" It's been kind of like that for me lately.

The first occurrence were the sermons on September 2nd, both at Anderson and Southwood. Both sermons are very similar, but I loved listening to both because each brought it from a slightly different perspective. The Scripture discussed is James 1:2-8.

The second occurrence was the book our team selected to study for our women's book study this year: Get Out of That Pit, by Beth Moore.

The third occurrence was the book that the church selected as this semester's growth groups topic: 1 Peter. Now, I know I had read 1 Peter several times before, but never all the way through in one sitting. It was a surprise to me how frequently the word suffer or suffering is mentioned (16 times in only 5 chapters). This book is all about suffering.

So the wisdom gained from all three occurrences boils down to this:

• Suffering is inevitable
• Suffering is meant to bring glory to God
• Suffering will someday end

I will of course elaborate on these, because after all, it is my blog, and elaborating is what I'm here for.

Suffering is Inevitable
Because we live in a fallen world - a world with sin - all people will experience suffering in some form or another. Beyond that, as believers in Christ, we will inevitably experience the suffering of persecution.

1 Peter 2:21-24
21 For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, 22 who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; 23 and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24 and He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed.

1 Peter 4:12
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal among you, which comes upon you for your testing, as though some strange thing were happening to you.

2 Timothy 3:12
Indeed, all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.

And don't be fooled into thinking that you're the only one suffering. Believer or non-believer, all people experience suffering because we live in a world ruled by Satan at the moment. Because of this, know that God does not cause the suffering.

1 Peter 5:8-9
Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experiences of suffering are being accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

It says it clearly above. The devil is prowling and seeking to devour. You are not alone in your suffering. Though your specific suffering may be unique, you are not alone or "unlucky" - the whole world suffers with you.

I love how both pastors in the sermon links above say that you're either just coming out of suffering, in the middle of it, or about to suffer. No one can escape it, because we are all human beings living in a world that contains and breeds suffering. Jesus Himself suffered, arguably the most of all.

But there is a purpose for your suffering. That phrase is almost cliche...perhaps this says it better:

Suffering is Meant to Bring Glory to God
Because everyone in this world experiences suffering, chances are, you will share a similar type of suffering with believers and non-believers alike. I don't mean to undermine your pain here, but rather point out something that wasn't immediately obvious to me: you have an obvious, immediate, and easy thing to connect with other people about.

In other words, by sharing about your suffering, and all that God has done for you through it (even if the suffering is still happening), you are getting a chance to share a testimony with non-believers.

It may sound strange, but I actually was not aware of this fact until last night. Sure, I realized that this suffering I'm experiencing has brought me closer to God, but I didn't realize until last night that this has been the one and only experience in my life that has given me an abundance of courage to bring up the subject of God to complete strangers. And lots of them! Talking about my desire to have children, the difficulty of waiting, but how God has taught us so much about being patient and faithful, and how I was convicted about being a control freak who thought I could "earn" my baby, when in reality you can't earn a baby, much like salvation. I've had those conversations with strangers, friends, and family...all because I've been experiencing this type of suffering. And even if my audience has never experienced this type of suffering themselves, they can still relate to my pain and hopefully hear my key points about faith.

Whatever your suffering is, I dare you to share it with others. Be open, and watch the beauty of what happens. Now, fair warning here: there have of course been some people that I've shared the above testimony with, and I've only received insensitive or unhelpful "wishy washy" replies from. But for the most part, it breaks the ice and establishes a deeper connection with people.

1 Peter 3:14-15
But even if you should suffer for the sake of righteousness, you are blessed. And do not fear their intimidation, and do not be troubled, but sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you...

The world is watching you. Since both believers and non-believers experience suffering, when a non-believer knows that you are a believer, they are watching how you respond to your suffering.

1 Peter 4:13
but to the degree that you share the sufferings of Christ, keep on rejoicing, so that also at the revelation of His glory you may rejoice with exultation.

Remember that you cannot avoid suffering. You can't find yourself smack dab in the middle of suffering, and then hit the Esc button and say, "Okay, that's it, I'm ready to be done!" (Believe me, I have tried...)

So choose to be an example to others around you, believers and non-believers alike. Since you cannot control the circumstances of your suffering, focus on the things you do have control over: how you respond to your suffering. Remember that the eyes of the world are on you.

I also love how both pastors stated that suffering righteously does not mean you put on a fake smile and pretend to be happy about your suffering. No, that would make you delusional and insane. It's perfectly okay and expected of you to feel sadness or grief as you suffer. Remember that Jesus wept when Lazarus died? And that was before He raised him from the dead! Jesus still experienced that suffering of losing a beloved friend, and grieved that loss. But He still had complete and perfect faith in God to resurrect him. (Read John 11 for the full story.)  Follow Christ's example and how He responded to moments of suffering. Have complete faith that God is with you, loves you, and that He will eventually end your suffering.

Suffering Will Someday End
God is always with you, through suffering and non-suffering moments in your life.

1 Peter 5:6-7
Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.

And it's not hard to find Scripture about how much God loves you. John 3:16 anyone? Anyone?

God is with you during the suffering. He never leaves you (Hebrews 13:5).

Romans 5:3-5
And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

James 1:2-4
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

And finally, if the beginning of suffering is inevitable, so is the end. You have hope.

1 Peter 5:10-11
After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you. To Him be dominion forever and ever. Amen.

IF Statements

I've taken a few computer programming courses in my schooling career, and the first conditional programming you learn is the IF statement. It's pretty straight forward:

IF (condition statement is true)
    Do this.
ELSE
    Do this instead.

It makes sense that this is the first kind of conditional programming that students learn. Why? Because that's how we, as humans, tend to operate in life.

If (whatever) happens to me, then I'll do (whatever). Otherwise, I'll do (whatever). In essence, it's your basic human being, forming a plan of their own. They have their plan clearly decided on, and they're ready with a back-up plan, just in case.

But life doesn't follow our plans. Perhaps it's better restated: Life doesn't initialize your planned program first, and then run with it. Sometimes, it just so happens that your plan and life actually do match up. But to think that it matches up because you wrote the program is asking for a humility software upgrade to be installed. I bet each and every person reading this right now has at some point in their lives known exactly what it feels like to suddenly realize that life happened not according to your plan. Ah, those wonderful moments of getting one of these in real life:

So what's a human being to do?

The point I'm trying to make is that you really have no choice when life throws something unexpected at you. Now, I'm not talking about predestination or free will here. I do believe we as human beings have free will, but it's a fact that we are limited beings and only have control over limited amounts. There will inevitably be moments in your life that will be unexpected and unplanned for you. That's what I mean by "you really have no choice". Get ready, it's coming.

A really inspiring example of this is found in Daniel 3. Daniel had three friends, abbreviated SAM for short (one for S, one for A, and one for M) because I don't want to try to type their crazy long names right now. ;)

So Daniel and SAM were all in the Babylonian kingdom because King Nebuchadnezzar had invaded and exiled the people of Judah and Jerusalem. Daniel just so happens to not be in this chapter I'm discussing.

So King Nebuchadnezzar made a golden statue idol, and he called for all the people to bow down and worship it. The decree was that any who didn't bow down and worship it would be immediately cast into a furnace of blazing fire. SAM were present and did not bow down and worship the idol because they loved and honored the Lord. Some tattle-tales went and told King Nebuchadnezzar that SAM did not bow down and worship the idol, so therefore they should be cast into the furnace, right? So King Nebuchadnezzar called SAM to his presence, and he asked them if it's true that they would not bow down and worship his golden idol. He also warned them: "But if you do not worship, you will immediately be cast into the midst of a furnace of blazing fire; and what god is there who can deliver you out of my hands?"

I'm going to just copy and paste their reply, because I could not restate it better:

Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego replied to the king, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to give you an answer concerning this matter. If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the furnace of blazing fire; and He will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But even if He does not, let it be known to you, O king, that we are not going to serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up."

The story is so fascinating and ends with the miraculous preservation of their three lives after being thrown into the furnace that was heated to 7x hotter than usual. Not a hair on their bodies was singed.

But the part I want to focus on is their response to the unexpected and unplanned situation that life threw at them. They had great faith.

They never doubted God's power or ability to deliver them from their bad situation or circumstances. They also recognized that though their God was perfectly powerful and able to save them, He might not choose to. But even if He did not, they were resolved to remain faithful until the end. Until the potential end of their lives.

Now if you're struggling with an unplanned detour in your life, you may struggle a lot like I have (am) with the thought that God might not choose to deliver you from what you're going through. In my case, God might not choose to give Michael and me biological children. Trust me when I tell you, that thought is incredibly hard to swallow. It is so difficult to admit that that may be our future, how our journey ends. But we are called to remain faithful...even if He does not answer our prayers according to our plans. We are called to love God, no matter how this journey ends. Can you do that? Can you remain faithful until the very end? Can I?

I hope so. I plan to live my life and eventually die trying -- no matter what unexpected events come my way. I think that's the one plan that God wants us all to keep. I hope these three men inspired you as much as they inspired me.

Love & Hope,
Christine

Expectations vs. Desires

In our marriage, Michael is typically the optimist and I'm typically the pessimist realist. My mother raised me under the expression "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst." So that's how I have always approached events in my life. For example, I was a very good student throughout my years of school. I don't mean to sound pompous, but just state the fact that I generally performed well in whatever class I took (there were certainly exceptions!). But nearly every time I would take an exam, even if the exam felt extremely easy to me, I would tell myself that I probably failed -- preparing for the worst, right? Then when the test score would be anything above passing, I'd be thrilled.

I don't necessarily like this viewpoint. In my opinion, viewing life this way causes one to sound like a negative person. Always saying things (either to others or to yourself) like, "There's no way we're pregnant this month" or "I doubt it'll happen this month" has only made me feel like I'm a Negative Nancy. And even though I tell myself those negative things, my hopeful heart cannot be contained sometimes. For instance, I'll take a pregnancy test a day before my period is supposed to start, of course it's negative, which disappoints me in the moment, but there's still this little, stubborn, hopeful part of me that thinks, maybe it's wrong. And when my period doesn't start right when I think it's supposed to, I'm convinced I must be pregnant. Then hours later or the next day when my period finally starts, it's heartbreaking, and I feel so stupid for thinking the test could be wrong when it hasn't lied to me yet.

So needless to say, I struggle a lot with how to keep my hopes high, without getting them too high so it doesn't hurt as bad when I fall down with disappointment, or when the captain of the red team, Aunt Flow, sends me hurtling back down to reality.

What's the right approach for my attitude? Should I just say the words "I'm pregnant!" just to feel what that feels like? To speak that into existence through faith?

How do you stay positive, without getting your hopes up too high? How much is too hopeful? When does hopeful become delusional and setting yourself up for depression-type disappointment?

I asked Michael about this, and as usual, I just love the wisdom he shares with me. He has a God-given and natural ability to be able to put things into words in a way that are so helpful to me. He said in my situation, it seems like what I'm doing is having expectations rather than desires. Like I'm expecting either extreme: to be pregnant or not to be pregnant. I'm either telling myself "Yes, this must be it!" or "No way, not happening!" When instead, my thoughts and attitude should be one of desires, not expectations. He said having a desire to have children is a good desire. It's biblical. It's godly. It's good. God wants us to desire children. So just stop it at that - at the point of expressing my desires - before it turns into expectations, into the two extremes.

Duh!

Sometimes something can be so simple, but so difficult to figure out for yourself. This was one of those things for me. In fact, it made me realize that for my whole life, I had been viewing events with expectations, with the two extremes. I misinterpreted the the "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" mantra. Hoping for the best is having a desire for the best. Having a desire for the thing you want. I'll come back to the second part of the mantra in a moment.

What differentiates expectations from desires? Sometimes a simple Google search is all that's needed to provide some needed perspective.

Expectation: A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.
Desire: A strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

So both attitudes are strong in their feelings. But the difference is believing something will for sure happen, and the other is stopping it at wanting or wishing for the thing to happen, not depending or relying on the certainty of that said thing happening.

In summary, it's GOOD to desire to have children, but NOT GOOD to expect to have children. Or in my case, to expect that we'll have children this month. Or next month. Or next month. So what I've been doing since Michael helped me realize this flaw in my attitude is every time I have a thought about wanting to have children or wondering if I might be pregnant at this very moment, I stop and pray the following:

God, I strongly desire to have children. Please give me strength to be patient and to wait for Your timing. If this month is not the time You have chosen to give us a child, please prepare my heart for that disappointment.

This past April, during National Infertility Awareness Week, I posted the following picture on Facebook to raise awareness about the average number of times per week that I think about my desire to have children. I actually counted, and wrote a tally mark on my arm to keep a running total.  So as you can see, this gives you an idea of how many times each day that I end up saying that prayer. A. W.H.O.L.E. L.O.T.

The "but prepare for the worst" part of the mantra was the part that I really had wrong. It doesn't have to mean "be super negative about everything", it could simply mean allowing yourself to think through what you would do if the thing you're hoping for doesn't happen. How would you handle it? What would you do? It does NOT mean you should tell yourself "It definitely won't happen."

So again, thanks to my husband's encouragement and wisdom yesterday, he suggested that I allow myself time each month to be sad for a moment. Because my desire to have children is a desire God wants me to have, it's okay, it's a good thing even, to feel sad when that desire is not answered or given. He suggested I take some time, actually plan some time and be intentional about it, to be sad. And then move on, let it go for that month, and then strive to be hopeful the rest of the time.

Again, it sounds simple, but it's something I had never done before. Sure, I usually ended up by myself in a closet, curled up in a fetal position on the floor, sobbing, but that wasn't planned or intended. So my new plan of action for this is to set aside time every month, when my monthly disappointment arrives, to be sad. I plan to sit somewhere by myself, with a Bible and Kleenex nearby, and a journal and pen ready to write my feelings out. I may even try to write letters to my future children, or simply write my desires for my children out on paper. To celebrate the beautiful fact that God has given me this desire, that perhaps doesn't come naturally to others. To be sad. To be allowed to be sad. For a moment. For a specific, planned, intentional moment.

Identity

Who am I?

If you think about it, really stop and think about it, this question can be difficult to answer about yourself. At the most basic, you have your name. But beyond that, the answer could be anything.

I don't recall ever struggling with my identity while growing up. Maybe I knew, maybe I didn't. But what I do know is that in college I allowed myself to start identifying myself by my circumstances. Before I met Michael, I was Single. After I met Michael, I was Girlfriend.

Then I identified myself as Wife. It stayed this way for a long time, and I was content focusing fully on being that identity, Wife. I didn't feel a need or desire to find another identity. I didn't even know that I was only identifying myself as Wife, and nothing else.

But then, we made a decision. A decision that caused a switch to flip in my mind, instantly changing my identity from Wife to Mother. Or better yet, Wife AND Mother. There. It was done. Decided.

But this was where the first crack started in my identity. Nearly two years ago, this hairline crack was started. From that point on, it did only what cracks do, what cracks are best at: getting bigger, getting longer, getting wider. Until my identity looked like this:

What happened?! But God, I don't think you understand who I am. I'm Wife AND Mother. Why hasn't the Mother part of that identity happened yet? ("Where's your baby!?", LOL)

I wish I had been intuitive enough to pick up on this a while ago. To have actually realized that I was placing my identity in things out of my control. Even Wife. Wife can be stripped from me at any moment. So what should I call myself?

Child. Chosen. Redeemed.

I found this wonderful article that lists all the things God calls us, with Scripture references.

I am Child. This will never change. Even after my earthly parents pass away, I will always remain the Chosen, Redeemed, Child of God.

And here I am, Child, longing for a child of my own. Longing to be a loving, respectful wife. Longing to be a kind, loving person to others. But in the end, from physical birth, to spiritual birth, to physical death, I have and will always be Child. Chosen Child. Redeemed Child. Beloved Child. The fact that I am Child of God is my constant identity.

And this is only possible because of Christ. Christ allowed us all to have only one true eternal identity. When the world around us crumbles to pieces, our identity as Child of God will remain forever.

Believe it or not, I have arm wrestling to thank for this realization of my identity. Yes, arm wrestling.

Photo taken by U Name It Creative Services

Michael has always been a man of variety. He has many interests and hobbies. It's a natural personality trait of his that I've always admired. Because after we met, dated, and got married, I stopped pursuing hobbies. I now know that happened because I was calling myself Wife instead of Child. So as time went on, he kept pursuing various hobbies, while I would focus on being Wife or doing relaxing activities to pass the time. But as Michael was spending a lot of time recently pursuing his latest hobby of arm wrestling (he's building an arm wrestling table to practice for tournaments and train), I found myself starting to feel lost. I wasn't Mother yet. I was losing motivation to be Good Wife. I was basing my identity on my circumstances. So Michael was persistent in asking me what hobbies I enjoy.

I'm embarrassed to say how long it took me to answer his question - the result of years of misplacing my true identity. Finally a little mortar was placed on those cracks. I love riding horses. Always have, ever since I could remember. I started taking horse lessons at 4 years old.

Although I never owned my own horse, my parents continued to bless me with paying for horse lessons throughout high school.

And then in college God blessed me by allowing me to be on the equestrian team. It's actually an interesting story how that happened. It shows that it was really God's effort, not just my own. When I was spending the summer before my college freshman year with my aunt in North Carolina, she helped me put together an application for the equestrian team. But I had already missed the tryout period. So during my freshman year, I participated in an intramural type club that occasionally allowed us to go horseback riding with school-owned horses. I enjoyed it so much! Then a fellow club member, who was on the equestrian team herself, told me about the upcoming tryouts for the team. So I tried out, but received an email at the end of my freshman year that they would not be able to accept me on the team.

But then at the end of the summer, just before my sophomore year, I received a random email offering a second congratulations for being chosen to be on the team. It had information about when and where to report for the first meeting. I was in shock. Was it a mistake? Did they mean to email this to me? I don't remember if I ever questioned it, but the point is that I showed up and they were prepared for me to join (had forms and items with my name ready, etc.) I was so shocked how God re-opened a door I thought had permanently closed. Even though I wasn't ever chosen to compete in a show, I still had the pleasure of being on the team for two years. Essentially, I got to take free riding lessons for two years, got free stuff, had a physical trainer who designed our workouts, and had the honor of being on an NCAA team. I decided to quit my senior year to focus on my academics and planning our wedding, already calling myself Wife!

So now my plan is to try to pursue this hobby. I would love to get back into horseback riding again, just for fun this time (not interested in competing in shows). So I'm looking into the possibility of leasing a horse that I can go and ride once or twice a week. It's funny how quickly I got excited about this hobby, after spending years never thinking about my own hobbies. I'm so glad God helped me find my proper identity again!

Love & Hope,
Christine, a.k.a. Child of God