I must say, going through the adoption process is much more fun and exciting than I ever could have expected. (Nice one, God!)
Throughout this process, we have found ourselves daydreaming and picturing what life will be like once we finally have a baby in our home. Our only experiences so far come from Michael's nieces and friends who have visited or stayed at our house that bring their children.
We're learning a lot as we go through this process about what kind of parents we strive to be. I think that's been the most exciting part for me - talking and daydreaming with Michael about what daily life will look like in the possibly near future. We've talked about family traditions we want to start or continue, how to raise and discipline our children, how to best meet and care for their needs, and how we plan to handle the daily "chores" of caring for a baby (feeding, baths, diapers, etc.)
A joke that has emerged from these discussions is what we call the "Burlap Sack Baby". It's meant to describe the fact that we are odd (crazy leaf-eating hippies), but we know we're odd, and there's no way to hide the fact that we're odd from the Chosen Agency...and because we're odd, the Chosen Agency probably has a crazy, rambunctious little rascal in a burlap sack set aside in a back room waiting just for us (because the Burlap Sack Baby is too wild for anyone else).
We are really excited to be moving forward towards parenthood. The love and excitement that our family and friends have poured out on us is so very special to us. We are so thankful that each of you are walking this journey with us and share in our excitement!
Allen and Julie sent us this adorable gift. Burlap Sack Baby will not only get to eat vegetables, but can now PLAY with them! :)
We now have the two-part home study scheduled. The first part will take place on Friday, June 6th, where a social worker will visit our home to ensure it's a safe environment. At first I was nervous about this because I thought this meant we needed to have our house clean and spotless, but after reading online, I see that your house should look lived in - just put your guns in a gun safe and be prepared for fire safety.
The second part will be an office interview at the Chosen Agency's office on Friday, June 20th, where our caseworker, B, will interview us as a couple and individually. We specifically requested B as our caseworker because she led the breakout session at the information orientation we attended in February and we really clicked with her, so we're excited to be working with her from now on.
Thank you all for your continued prayers that God would lead this process and prepare us for parenthood!
We are NOT pregnant. Lord willing, He may someday allow us to conceive, but that day has not yet come.
I'd also like to wish all mothers a very Happy Mother's Day, including those who are still longing to become a mother. Mother's Day has been a day of sadness for me in recent years because it has served as a reminder that I am not yet a mother.
But today is different. Today, we have some wonderful news to share. News that we are very excited about on this Mother's Day:
In a previous post, I talked about how we decided to wait until December 2014 to begin researching adoption, unless the Lord moved us to act sooner or later than that date.
Well, I'm not the most patient waiter. (Shocking, I know)
In the fall, I started to research adoption a lot little and long story short, we both felt peace about moving forward with the adoption process.
We have decided on the agency we want to work with, and are in the middle of the application/home study portion of the process. Once approved, they tell us that the "wait time," on average, is 15 months. But averages are averages, so it could be less, and it could be more. We're trusting God with that timing since He always knows best.
If you'd like to hear the longer version of this story, please read on.
Our journey to this moment has been a mixture of so many things: emotion, heartache, hope, conviction, and beautiful transformations in our hearts. All praise and glory belongs to God!
Why Do I Want to Adopt?
If I'm honest, my heart started from a place of "Well, if I can't have a baby biologically, then I guess I will adopt a baby." But it's not as simple as that.
My former view of adoption was that it was a charitable act of kindness. I was definitely one of those people who used to think/say, "Oh that's nice...how great of you to do that [rescue that child from certain doom]."
When we first began struggling with infertility, the idea of adopting terrified me. At that time, giving into the idea of adoption would have meant defeat. It would have meant acknowledging my failure as a woman to procreate - surely the very thing I was put on this planet for, right? (I now know that is wrong.)
But God slowly changed both of our hearts.
Our best friends moved to the D/FW area. The wife's parents fostered and adopted three little girls. And yes, little girls. The age difference between my best friend (the youngest of their biological children) and the oldest of the three girls is about 20 years. We've known the wife's parents and these girls for several years now and have visited them somewhat regularly.
The girls used to be shy around us, but as they've seen us more and more, they actually know us by name and still ask about us.
One weekend early in our infertility journey, we visited our best friends who had recently found out they were expecting their first little boy. She had made plans to sky dive, but changed her mind because of her condition. So the husband decided to take her place and go sky diving. It was a big deal, and so the wife's parents and three little girls also came to cheer him on.
The three little girls loved to play with Michael. Michael would spin them, flip them, tickle them, and carry them on his shoulders and they just laughed it up and asked for more. It was precious to see that sight. We felt love towards those girls, and they weren't even close to being considered our children.
This was taken in June 2011, 6 months into our infertility journey.
On the drive home, we had our first conversation about adoption. The idea of adoption that used to scare us was not being able to love a child that didn't come from our bodies. We both were (and still are) a little squeamish around other people's children. Too often we have been given "the plague" by family and friends' little ones, so we tend to cringe and shy away from their oozing orifices. We used to think it would be the same if we adopted another person's child. (Just to clarify, we are not naive to think that our children will not have oozing orifices, we just don't care to encounter the oozing orifices of children that we are not raising.)
But this first conversation about adoption was driven by the Lord. He had stirred in both of our hearts - independently - that we could absolutely love another's child as we had felt love towards those three little girls who are not in our care.
We talked about how there is so much beauty and redemption in adoption. Those three little girls were each taken from three separate, broken situations. They are now together and being loved and parented by a couple who wants the best for them. They giggle and play and live as if there is no more brokenness in their lives.
Of course, I know that's not the reality. We all have brokenness. But it was the first time we saw that adoption was a wonderful and beautiful example of God's sacrifice for us. He gave His only "biological" Son for our sinful, horrible mankind. He not only gave His Son away, but gave Him away to a fate of torture and death. For me. For you. For us all.
Sometimes, a word as simple as "Wow" is all that can be thought of to express your feeling of something so profound.
Since that first conversation, we continued to hope and pray (and still do) that God would allow us to have biological children. Though our hearts had softened towards the idea of adoption, we had not yet felt the desire to adopt a child ourselves.
But more time passed. And passed. We went through the ups and downs most couples experience with infertility. Diagnostic tests. Frustration at no explanation for why we cannot conceive. Hopelessness. Renewed hope. More hopelessness. Yet more hope. Seeing friend after friend have one or more children. Feeling left behind and forgotten. The difficult decision to accept that you're only hearing silence and "wait" from the Lord. The difficulty of actually waiting! If you've kept up with this blog, you've probably ridden the roller coaster with me. (And I'm so thankful for you!)
Small events fostered more and more discussions about adoption. We met friends who have adopted children and loved hearing their stories. We watched a couple movies, like The Odd Life of Timothy Green and October Baby. October Baby especially moved our hearts toward adoption. Sorry to spoil some of the plot, but the idea that the main character, Hannah, learns that her life was almost ended as a baby by abortion, but God protected her, and brought her to a loving adoptive family, just melted our hearts completely. In the movie, Hannah searches for her birth mother. Eventually she learns that it doesn't matter where she physically originated...all that matters is that she is loved. Loved and wanted by her adoptive family. And loved and wanted by the Almighty God. That her life mattered. That all life matters.
We soon felt the conviction that we both desired to adopt a child someday. But I'll stress the "someday" part. We were still hoping that we could have biological children first, and adopt later. I'm guessing that this idea is pretty common for couples struggling with infertility. I think it partly goes back to my earlier mindset of "Well, if I can't have a baby biologically, then I guess I'll adopt a baby."
But in the fall, we felt conviction that we were wrong to rank order our children like that. It's not about having "real" children first (biological) and then having "other" children later (adoption). We just desire to have...children! We desire to become parents and to build a legacy as a family. Thankfully the Lord helped us sort that out.
But even though our hearts were open to adopting a child whenever He willed, we did not yet feel Him moving us to take action (I'll come back to this shortly, about how we decided to begin the process of adoption).
So as you can see, our hearts have changed so drastically from where they began. We saw the beautiful example of God's sacrifice for us through the idea of adoption.
If I had a son, I could not stand the idea of giving him away. Perhaps it's because I want a child so badly, that if I finally had one, I would cling to him/her all the more.
The idea that a young woman who finds out she is unexpectedly pregnant would still have the courage to give her child to someone else to raise and care for....it's unimaginable to me. Unthinkable. But like God the Father, she would be giving a huge sacrifice for the sake of someone else. For the sake of a childless couple, like us, who desperately wants a child to call our own.
That's really at the heart of why I want to adopt: I want a baby to call my own. I know that's not reality. I've learned that any child I have, either biologically or through adoption, will never truly be mine. He/she will be the Lord's, and I will simply be the steward in charge of nourishing, caring, loving, teaching, and raising said child. But that's what I want. That's the desire of my heart. To finally be able to fulfill that role. I've been longing for a child to call my own for 3 1/2 years. 3 1/2 long years of waiting, hoping, praying, and longing.
My heart went from only wanting a child that came from my body to knowing that I could love a child placed in my care even if he/she did not come from my body.
The flipside to adoption is not only the birth mother's God-like sacrifice of giving up her child to another, but also the redemption that we, as the adoptive parents, would feel. When a person accepts the free gift of grace extended by God - all based on that sacrifice of His Son - that person is redeemed and adopted into His kingdom and called a child of God. He adopts us as His children! So us adopting a child from someone else would likely cause us to feel the heaviness of that birth mother's sacrifice, but also be in awe of the redemption that child will bring to our lives. We are loved so much by Our Father, that He would orchestrate the circumstances to bring this little life into our care and home. He would trust us enough to love and raise this child as our own.
Romans 8:14-17 14 For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. 15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!" 16 The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, 17 and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
Galatians 3:26-28 26 For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. 27 For all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. 28 There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Ephesians 1:3-8 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved. 7 In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace 8 which He lavished on us.
1 John 3:1-3 1 See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, that we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. 2 Beloved, now we are children of God, and it has not appeared as yet what we will be. We know that when He appears, we will be like Him, because we will see Him just as He is. 3 And everyone who has this hope fixed on Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
I find it remarkable how much the Lord has transformed our hearts. He
has taken us both from being lukewarm about having our own biological
children, to having the desire to love any child that could be called
our own, even if that child did not come from our physical bodies.
Adoption
is not about rescuing a child in need from certain doom. It's about
expressing the kind of Christ-like love towards another life, and being
redeemed by that same Christ-like love in the process. In short,
adoption is a very odd mix of both parties being rescued from certain
doom. Both parties living and experiencing the kind of redemption that
can only come from God.
"Wow."
How We Decided to Begin the Adoption Process
Once we felt peace about adopting a child whenever the Lord called us to, I began my research into the process. There are so many options, that it can be overwhelming at first. And not every option would work for everyone. Just a brief, but not exhaustive, list of options includes: domestic, international, open, semi-open, closed (rare these days), foster-to-adopt, infant adoption, special needs, inter-racial, and varying ages.
So part of our initial research was being honest with ourselves about what we think we can and cannot handle. What we felt peace about and what we did not.
We have a strong desire to raise a newborn. As newly born as possible. Those that know us, know that we are quite different from the norm. We have very different views about child rearing, diet, and lifestyle. So we desire to raise our children - biological or adopted - according to our beliefs. Part of that begins as a newborn. We desire to breastfeed our children instead of giving formula, preferably my breast milk if we can make that happen or bumming breast milk from friends (sorry in advance if you get a creepy email from me asking you for your breast milk - it's for a good cause). I'm sure this topic will one day be a blog post on its own. :)
We also desire to adopt a child of the same ethnicity as our own. That's not to say that we would not be open to adopting inter-racially if God moves us, but at this time, our desire is to adopt a child that could somehow resemble us. Knowing my tendency to make snappy comments when people act insensitively to me, I would not invite a situation where our child would be constantly labeled as adopted while out in public. Here are a couple videos of what I'm talking about:
Nowadays, open or semi-open adoptions are the most common. The difference is mainly that semi-open still retains some level of privacy between birth parents and adoptive parents, whereas open adoptions encourage an active, continual relationship with the birth parents throughout the child's life. Each adoption situation looks different, and can depend heavily on which agency you choose to work with. We feel most comfortable retaining some level of privacy, leaning more towards semi-open than open.
Searching for the Right Agency to Work With
Once we discussed what we were and were not comfortable with, we started looking into potential agencies to work with. The first agency we looked into was located out of town, which I'll nickname the Big City Agency. We liked the idea of working with an out-of-town agency in order to avoid the awkwardness of possibly running into the birth parents at the grocery store or something. If the birth parents lived in a different city, the chances of that happening would be greatly reduced.
So we read the information packet about adopting through the Big City Agency. But we did not feel at peace in the least. Quite honestly, the tone, rules, and requirements were written in such a way that it made us feel like the Big City Agency is only on the side of the birth parents. They are an open adoption agency, but to an extreme in my opinion.
They require that one parent commit to being a stay-at-home parent full-time until the child turns 18. While I desire to be a stay-at-home mom for at least half the time, we do not feel comfortable with an agency dictating to us about whether we can or cannot work for the life of the child.
They also require that the adoptive parents use one name that the birth parents give the newborn. Now, that's certainly respectable - they explain their reason for this rule is the importance of a name. We agree completely. That's why we want to be in charge of naming our own children. Our childrens' names are very important to us. We've had at least two names in mind for 9 years now.
And finally, the Big City Agency requires that the adoptive parents send lots of pictures, letters, and updates each month to the birth parents for the first 6 months and then twice a year until age 18. The adoptive parents would also have to agree to meet with the birth parents (with the child present) when the child is 6 or 7 months old, and then meet 2-3 times per year until the child is 18. Furthermore, the adoptive parents would have to agree to give the child whatever the birth parents send to the child throughout the year. Now, again, this is admirable that the Big City Agency seeks to promote such an open adoption situation. But that does not work for all families. And that does not work for our family. Though we will have tremendous respect for the birth parents and their sacrificial choice, we do not want to be obligated to visit with the birth parents for the child's life. We plan to tell our child that he/she is adopted and allow him/her to decide if and when he/she wants to meet the birth parents. We do not want to force those meetings if the child is not comfortable. And again, because we are quite different from the norm in terms of diet and lifestyle, it would be very awkward to feel obligated to give our child whatever the birth mother sends (i.e. the butter-filled cupcakes or the Miley Cyrus music album...cultural and dietary things we do not agree with).
In short, we desire to raise our children. Whether our children are adopted or come from our bodies, we desire to raise them according to our beliefs, and are not ashamed for dogmatically holding that view.
So to say the least, we did not have any peace about adopting through the Big City Agency.
Our next consideration was the Local Agency (my nickname for it). With the Local Agency, there is the potential for the awkward encounter at the store. But we liked what we read in their information packet. They too are an open adoption agency, but are much less "strict" than the Big City Agency, which is a wonderful attribute in our minds. Furthermore, the tone of the information packet was written in a way that made us feel like the Local Agency is on both parties' sides. Like they want what is best for everyone.
They request that one parent commit to staying at home full-time, but if that is not possible, to agree to not work more than 20 hours per week outside of the home (potentially allowing one parent to work full-time, where half of the time the parent works inside the home). This fit much better with us.
The Local Agency does not mention anything about using the name the birth parents give the child, and besides meeting with the birth mother during her pregnancy, there is no requirement to meet with the birth parents again. That allows each adoptive family and birth mother to decide how much contact they desire to have, which is how I think it should be. The Local Agency requires the adoptive parents to send updates during the first 6 months, but the updates are intended for the agency's review. And once the adoption is finalized, that's it, there are no more requirements about maintaining contact.
After we both read the information packet, we felt peace about inquiring more about this agency. But as it turns out, because this agency is local, they have a long waiting list of adoptive families, and only adopt about 8-10 babies per year, meaning that we could potentially have another 2-3 years before becoming parents. Furthermore, the Local Agency was not accepting new adoptive families because they already have so many waiting that have been through the approval process. We felt discouraged by this, but decided to put our names on the contact list in case they began accepting new families.
Finding THE Agency
In the meantime, we re-watched the TV show "Friends." Leave it to God to use Hollywood to move His children to action. For those unfamiliar with the show, two of the main characters, Chandler and Monica, find themselves unable to have biological children. So they decided to adopt, and ended up being matched with a birth mother in Ohio. We had a silly epiphany moment while watching this show that, "Hey, Chandler and Monica live in New York, but they were matched with someone in another state. Maybe we should look at a bigger agency that has access to birth mothers around the U.S., not just in Texas."
This reminded me of an agency (from now on I'll refer to it as the Chosen Agency) I had gotten information about during my initial search, but passed on because of the apparent higher costs. The Chosen Agency was one that some friends had also looked into and during one of our phone conversations, the wife spoke very highly of this agency because they have separate case workers for the adoptive parents and birth parents. This made a lot of sense to me because it's like having two realtors when a home is for sale: it doesn't make sense to have one realtor representing both the buyer and the seller - there is an inherent divided interest.
So I requested more information from the Chosen Agency. The more we read, the more at peace we felt. They have no restrictions on parents working vs. staying home, allowing the parents to decide how to raise their family. They help adoptive parents connect with birth mothers around the U.S. They place approximately 350 babies per year. By working with our own case worker, we would only be matched with a birth mother who wants the same level of openness as we do (semi-open).
We submitted an information sheet requesting to move forward with the Chosen Agency. They approved us, and invited us to attend a pre-adoption orientation on February 21st. It was a little bit of information overload (the orientation was an all-day event), but it was SO helpful and reassuring.
The first part of the morning was spent in a small group with one of the adoptive parent case workers. She walked us through the details of the whole adoption process, and allowed us to ask questions and look at examples of life books (photo books that are shown to potential birth mothers). The afternoon included a tour of their facility (they house birth mothers who have no other living arrangements), information about adoption tax credits, using the internet to build a profile for potential birth mothers (for those who are not in the same city as the Chosen Agency to look at the physical life books), the legal aspects of adopting through their agency, and a very helpful panel of adoptive parents and birth mothers.
My biggest takeaway from this orientation was that a birth mother is looking for a family to place her child with. Her biggest fear is that an adoptive family won't like her, or will judge her. And we felt encouraged to be ourselves (as crazy and leaf-eating hippie-like as we are in reality), because they want to know about the day-to-day aspects, as well as the future dreams, of the family they place their child with.
At the end of this orientation, we had the option of purchasing the full application forms to move forward with their agency (which we did). By submitting the main application form within one month of the orientation, we got a small discount on the total program fee. We have already submitted all of our application materials (medical forms, background checks, references, etc.) for the agency to review. Once approved, they will schedule and conduct the home study. Then we'll build our life books and profiles and we'll be officially waiting for a birth mother to choose us.
The Lord will have to be in complete control of this entire process, and we are faithfully stepping forward, waiting for Him to provide a child according to His plan.
I can't describe how excited I am. For the past 3 1/2 years, we've been what I call passively waiting. Praise be to God, that time of passively waiting was not fruitless. It was definitely required to teach us, mold us, and transform our hearts as I've described.
But now we're getting to move forward one step at a time. We're moving closer to becoming parents. It feels so wonderful, like we're expecting! Thank you, Lord, so much, for leading us through this journey. We're so excited to see what His plan is.
A couple of months ago, we decided to try using DuoFertility to aid with conception. From what I can tell, not many people know that this product even exists, so I wanted to share my opinions about it so that you can decide for yourself if you think it's worth trying.
What is it?
It's essentially a fertility monitor that you wear on your body, and the purchase of the product includes the company's fertility experts who will monitor your cycle for you each month and give you a predicted window of fertility.
How does it work?
You wear a quarter-sized sensor just below your armpit that monitors your temperature 24/7 (or as long as you choose to wear it). You also have a handheld device that you upload the sensor's data to everyday. On the handheld device, you can also input various things like intercourse, menstruation, ovulation pains, cervical mucus, etc. You then connect the handheld device to your computer via USB and open the DuoFertility software to view your cycle's chart. The company reviews your temperature and other data, and gives you a predicted window of fertility (we call them our "green days") that should maximize your chances of conception. They tell you your predicted green days up to 6 days in advance, so you can plan your intimacy ahead of time if need be. Here's an example of what a chart looks like (this is from the instruction manual, not my personal chart):
How is it different than taking your own temperature?
Rather than having to remember to take your own temperature every morning...first thing before sitting up...after at least 4 hours of sleep...with only a BBT (basal body temperature) thermometer...phew, as you can tell, DuoFertility takes away the hassle of doing all of that. Since it's monitoring your temperature each day, it can determine the lowest body temperature while you sleep, so you don't have to think or worry about it.
How much did it cost?
They offer a few different packages: Lite, Premium, and Deluxe. I purchased the Premium package because I felt it was the best value (one-time purchase of $795).
What do you like about it?
As a recovering tempaholic, I love how DuoFertility does all the work for me. I also love the organization of the software and chart. I formerly kept track of all of those things in my own lame-o Excel file, but it's much nicer to have it displayed on their software. You can also save and download your charts to take to your doctor if you want to. I also love the customer service. They have always answered my questions in a timely manner, and there was so much more included in the purchase price than I originally thought (such as additional adhesives, LH strips, fertility expert access). Furthermore, there was one cycle that I ovulated much later than the predicted green days, and the customer service folks emailed me to tell me that so we would continue having regular intercourse - as if we needed a reason ;)
What do you dislike about it?
The only thing that's slightly awkward is that you wear the sensor on your body the whole time. Usually though, I forget that it's there. They say that it's waterproof and can be worn in the shower, but I noticed that the adhesive stopped sticking as well, so I choose to remove it before I shower, and replace the adhesive afterwards. I also sometimes choose to remove it while I workout because I don't want it to bother me. I also sometimes (but not usually) feel it when laying down to sleep.
Would you recommend it?
Absolutely. If you are someone who has been trying for a few months or a couple years, I personally think this is worth trying, especially before beginning any kind of fertility treatment. Even IUI can cost more than $800, and that usually involves dosing yourself with all kinds of hormones and such. My opinion is why not try DuoFertility for 6 months if that could mean avoiding those invasive procedures and high costs?
What's your takeaway? I am the type of person who likes to know what's going on with my body, but doesn't want to pursue medical intervention. We also want to faithfully do our part each month to be open to God's plan of possible conception. My belief still stands firm that God and only God can create a life. I do not think DuoFertility is the answer to all infertility struggles and is not something you should place your faith in. I believe that if God wants to, he can bless our efforts of monitoring my body and the natural signals it gives off related to fertility. But I also know that no matter what the outcome is, God is good, He has a beautiful road to parenthood planned specifically for us, and I look forward to the day that I become a mother.
First, let me apologize for my lengthy break in blogging. Work picked up for me, which meant I had much less free time to blog. But I hope to get back to blogging more regularly, so cross your fingers.
Life is full of joy, but also challenges. For those that experience the suffering of infertility, you can find yourself riding a roller coaster of emotions over a period of several years. My journey being no exception, I have had moments of solid trust and faith that God is in control and I'm 100% okay with that, and then seemingly the very next day will have a moment of complete despair and hopelessness.
Doubting is a part of life, as much as anything else (joy/bitterness, happiness/sadness, dancing/mourning). To be human, is to be filled with doubts. In those moments of despair and heavy doubts, I often wish I could simply escape it.
We have this button at work. Once the building is locked after work
hours, you have to press this button in order to open the door.
In those moments of doubt and despair, I wish there was this sort of button for my life. With a simple push of a button, I could escape the pain and suffering of waiting for an unknown period of time for a child. It would be so much easier if I had a button like this to push in times of despair. It would be so easy to skip over this difficult part of my life.
But I think that's God's point of this, and any, trial. He doesn't want me to skip over this difficult part of my life.
He wants to share in this suffering with me. He wants to hold me and comfort me and listen to my every cry and catch my every tear. He wants to teach me what it means to persevere. He wants to teach me what it means to have unfailing faith, even when it makes logical sense to give it up. He wants to write a beautiful story leading us to parenthood, and to the specific children He has chosen for us, but He needs me to learn that time and events must fall into proper place for that story to unfold.
So it may be easy to have a button like this for your life when it gets tough, but skipping over the hard parts of life will not help you in the long run. You will miss out on so many character-building, faith-building, and relationship-building moments if you do. And trust me, those moments are worth experiencing.
I'm saying this as much to myself as I am to you, but try not to skip over the difficult parts of life. Instead look for God in those moments. Look for the ways that God is working, or the ways that He has blessed you. Sometimes you have to look really, really, really closely, but it is always there, somewhere.
Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
1 Peter 1:3-9 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who according to His great mercy has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4 to obtain an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away, reserved in heaven for you, 5 who are protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6 In this you greatly rejoice, even though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been distressed by various trials, 7 so that the proof of your faith, being more precious than gold which is perishable, even though tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ; 8 and though you have not seen Him, you love Him, and though you do not see Him now, but believe in Him, you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, 9 obtaining as the outcome of your faith the salvation of your souls.
I love this passage for several reasons. First, when I accepted Christ, I became a new person once and for all eternity. That means sin is no longer my master. When I mess up, fail, give into temptations…I’m forgiven because Christ stands before me, protecting me from the fate I deserve, and gives me a pass to be with Him for all eternity. Such grace. Such humbling, beautiful grace. Truly an undeserved favor.
Second, Peter says we have a living hope. This comforts me so much when I struggle with anxious thoughts of the unknown future of infertility. My hope is not in vain. It is alive because Christ lives in me. But like a living being, that hope must be nourished and properly cared for, otherwise it might shrink into a state of dis-health. When I allow depression and the enemy to dominate my thought life, my living hope is injured and sickly. I need to nourish it with food and water in the form of choosing hope over hopelessness. By spending time with my Father and His Word instead of dwelling on my own thoughts, fears, and worries.
Third, I’m protected by the power of God. That’s so huge and important to remember! When fears and worries begin to overtake me…when the enemy is whispering lies of shame in my ear, my God is ready and available to protect me. I need to turn to Him in those moments of weakness. He wants me to turn to Him in moments of weakness.
Fourth, Peter says that the various trials the people are being distressed by are for a little while. It is so incredibly easy to feel overwhelmed by infertility and to feel like I’m trapped in this chapter of life. Like it will last forever, I’ll never become a mother, woe to me. But that’s not true. Like any trial, it has been, is, and will always be temporary. A season. A chapter. It must have a beginning (December 2010) and therefore MUST have an END! For a little while. The “little while” may feel like an eternity to my earthly-bound state, but to God, it’s but a blip in the grand timeline He’s orchestrated. I just need to trust Him and do everything I can to be patient for His timing.
Fifth, Peter says that the purpose of our trials is to demonstrate the proof of your faith. He says trials should result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. This relates to how I am called to respond in the midst of suffering and trials. The purpose of my suffering is to show the greatness of God, not the vastness of my self-pity. I am called to respond with hope and joy when it’s illogical to other people. When the world says it’s time to give up, there’s no chance, etc…I should remain hopeful and joyful. Even when I’m hurting, God is still worthy of my praise. And I truly do have so much to praise Him for!
I love how verse 9 ends with you greatly rejoice with joy inexpressible. Not just a little joy, but inexpressible joy. Greatly rejoice. So much joy you cannot describe with words how much! That’s a lot of joy, and if I truly focus on all that God has blessed me with – even while facing the pain and suffering of a trial – I find it easy to have joy. My eyes see that I am so richly blessed already. Even though now for a little while I am hurting. Be joyful. Inexpressibly joyful.
When you face a trial, a natural tendency is to blame yourself or feel guilty for getting yourself into the trial. With infertility, it's common to think thoughts like:
If I hadn't taken birth control pills for all those years, would I still have difficulty conceiving?
What did I do wrong to deserve this pain and suffering?
What more could I have done this past month to better track my cycle or time intercourse?
Why can't I do what so many other women are able to do with seemingly no effort?
What's wrong with me?
Why am I broken?
I could go on listing similar questions, but hopefully you get the idea. It's common to worry and dwell on thoughts like that.
But let's get one thing straight: infertility is NOT your fault.
You must accept the fact that there will always be certain aspects of life that are out of your control. And infertility is simply one of those things you can't control, so don't blame yourself for it.
Life is made up of choices, consequences, and circumstances. The three C's.
Choices
You have the freedom to make certain choices in life. With infertility, you can choose how much or how little you want to track your cycles, pursue medical intervention, be available for intercourse (but you only have control over your half of that equation; your husband has control over his half and you have to accept that it takes two to tango). This is the only thing you have control over, so I encourage you to pray for wisdom as you take time to decide on choices in your life.
Consequences
You have control over the choices you make. You do not have control over some of the consequences of your choices. Your choices will naturally lead to consequences. Tracking your cycles excessively may result in feelings of empowerment, knowing how your body is behaving...but it may also bring added stress because you're focused on your cycle day in and day out. Pursuing medical interventions will certainly have consequences on your body, your health, your future health (increased risk of cancer, for example), your relationships, and schedule. Ask any woman who has been through IVF procedures, and she will tell you how involved and expensive the process is. Likewise, not pursuing medical interventions may lead to feelings of fear, like "What if I'm not doing everything I could be doing to get pregnant?" As I previously mentioned, you have to make certain choices about what you are or are not okay with, and then be okay with the consequences of those choices. All choices have consequences, good or bad. Since consequences are a direct result of your choices, this should motivate you to pursue God before you make a choice, asking Him for wisdom and guidance. Once you've made your choice, you are at the mercy of consequences that are out of your control.
Circumstances
You do not have control over your circumstances, and unlike consequences, circumstances are not a direct result of your choices. Circumstances are independent of your choices. You can choose to save up for a house, mortgage a small portion of it, and purchase home insurance, but you cannot control a tornado destroying your house and having to start over with a few belongings and the insurance money. You can make wise choices that hopefully result in good consequences, but your circumstances may affect your life dramatically without any input from you. The death of a loved one, natural disasters, etc. With infertility, you cannot control your circumstances like a close friend announcing her pregnancy, or you miscarrying your baby. You can choose everything wisely, and you can prepare and hope for good consequences to your choices, but your circumstances are independent and unpredictable.
So once you've accepted how much and how little control you have over aspects of your life, how do you deal with the things you can't control? Allow Paul to share some of his wisdom with you.
Philippians 4:11-12 11 Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.
This is the key to maintaining a heart of hope and joy in the midst of trials and suffering. God will grant you wisdom to make wise choices if You ask Him. The consequences to your choices or simply the uncontrollable will lead to your life's circumstances. God asks us all to be content no matter what our circumstances are. Whether your circumstances are good or bad, happy or sad, full or empty, bright or dark...be content. There is ALWAYS at least one thing you have to be thankful for. So dwell on that. Praise God for that one thing (and the many things). Be content.
Better still, LEARN to be content. Paul admits that contentment is something to be learned. When you learn something, you usually have to study it, ponder it, repeat it, and practice it. Do the same with contentment. Choose contentment, and your consequences will follow a heart of contentment. Choosing contentment will strengthen your heart for whatever circumstances come your way.
I'm copying and pasting today's devotional from Sarah's Laughter because I found it very encouraging and I hope that you do as well. Stay hopeful, my friends!
When God Says "No"
August 1, 2013
When you
face a crisis in your life such as infertility, you must come face to
face with your true belief about God. Is He who He says He is? Can
He--will He--do what He says He will do? In times of crisis, we must
grapple with the fact that we are called on to trust the God who
sometimes says “No”.
When
infertility enters your life, a lot of things can happen. Some people
turn to doctors. Others decide to trust God to allow conception to
happen naturally. Some people tell everyone they know so they can
garner support, and some choose to keep their situation very private.
Emotions go haywire and decisions must be made, but one thing is usually
constant when infertility invades the home of a Christian couple: we
pray.
We ask
God to reverse the barrenness we carry. We cry out for healing of
endometriosis or polycystic ovaries. We promise Him that we will be
good mothers, that we will not only take these much-desired children to Sunday
School, but we’ll teach the class as well. We beg and plead with Him
to end our struggle with infertility and give us the baby that only He
can provide.
But sometimes--at least for a time--God says “No”.
What does
it mean when God says “no”? It feels like He has abandoned us or that
He is somehow unaware of how badly we want a baby. Maybe He thinks I
wouldn’t be a good mother, so He withholds from me the blessing of my
womb. It would be so much easier if God was unable to give me a baby!
Then I could imagine Him saying “Oh child! I wish I could grant this
desire. I want to place life in your womb so badly, but I just can’t. I
would if I could, but I cannot.” Then it would feel like He was a
partner in this struggle with me, rather than a holy being that I must
convince of my desire and commitment to being a good mother. How do I
serve this God who says “no”?
If your
heart is hurting today, and you are struggling with how God must feel
toward you and your infertility, let’s turn together to the Word, and
examine another who heard God say “no”. Perhaps you’ll understand a
little better how He loves you. Mark 14:35-36 says this:
And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground and began to pray that if possible, the hour might pass Him by.
And He was saying, “Abba! Father! Everything is possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will, but what You will.
This
emotional passage of Scripture lets us in on the intimate exchange
between God the Father and Jesus the Son, in the hours leading up to the
excruciating execution of Jesus. He is praying in the Garden of
Gethsemane and you can hear His anguish dripping from every word. He
cries out to His “Abba Father”--the literal translation is like us
crying to our “Daddy”. Can’t you hear Him?
“Daddy,
please! Please, Daddy! Please let this cup--let Calvary pass from
me! If it’s possible, Daddy, please! It’s going to hurt! The weight
of sin will be crushing! Oh Daddy, please, if it’s possible, make
another way!”
Didn’t Jesus know whether or not it was possible, or whether or not God could make another way? Of course He did. Read on...
Everything is possible for You; remove this cup from Me; yet not what I will but what You will.
God the
Father, heard the anguished cries of His only begotten Son, begging Him
to let the cup of Calvary pass from Him and God said “no”.
Why did
God say “no”? He had a greater plan. If He had allowed Jesus to
by-pass Calvary, infertility would be the least of your worries. Your
eternity would be a terrifying reality. God, in His infinite wisdom and
mercy, told Jesus “no”.
Did God
love Jesus that day? Absolutely. Did His heart break to tell His
hurting Child “no”? Without a doubt. He does the same for you.
You’ve
begged God to let this be the month you conceive. God says “no”.
You’ve asked Him to let you avoid medical treatment, but you pick up the
phone to make the appointment because God said “no”. Others have
babies so easily, yet your family is formed through tears and years.
Hard to understand? Unquestionable. But God has a greater plan. Will
He always say “no”? Of course not. He has marvelous works in store for
you. He just knows that for a time, He must say “no” to allow the
greater plan to unfold, and He weeps with you as your tears fall.
Trust the
God who sometimes says “no”. His plan for you is unimaginable. His
mercy for you is inexhaustible. And just as He loved His only begotten
Son, He loves you enough to sometimes say “no”.
